1.7.2

Light and Dark

Two lanterns, salvaged from the emergency supplies, sat on the deck three meters apart.

Astrid, with an audience of Romo, Dell, Tenya, Karth, and Rue, paced herself a human’s length away.

One lantern lit in cool glow. The other lantern remained empty of light and power.

With determination, Astrid resolved to relocate the energy from one into the other.

Her companions watched while she attempted to feel the power source from the distance. But to open herself up for that kind of range further exposed her senses to the static of those around.

She strained to reach past them, to her target.

It seemed so straightforward a task. It infuriated her that it posed such a challenge. Years of schooling in minimizing her effects, and now she could not perform the humblest of cantrips.

“What’s the problem?”

A soothing voice spoke from just behind as Karth drew closer to help.

“I’ve not attempted anything like this. It should be simple but…”

She could feel eyes burn into her back. Not all of them kind.

The sheer noise of all five of them, expectant, while she struggled to feel the weakest of pulls against their lurid auras, encumbered her.

“The static. It’s so loud.”

“’Static’. I’ve heard that word before. At the Sanctuary.”

Astrid kept her eyes fixed ahead.

“That’s what we call you. For your inability to channel yourselves you seem… like loose noise in a constant windstorm. It’s distracting.”

“Can you quiet it?”

“Not without draining you. And I won’t.”

“I understand.” Karth spoke lowly. “But where we are going there will be even more like us. Crowds. Please. Try again.”

Astrid narrowed her eyes. She blocked out all the wildness behind her for the steady bloom of faint power ahead.

But while it buzzed pleasantly just inside her perception, she could not find her way to its heart from this distance. Let alone simultaneously extend for its presumed destination to transport it. To do so would take concurrent effort in a skill set she could envision but not yet employ.

“This is such bullshit.” At Astrid’s back, Rue huffed and marched off.

“Rue!” Tenya called after her.

“What?” Rue rotated swiftly on her heel to shout. “What is the point of this? If she can’t even do this, what help is she to us? She’s useless! Another mouth to feed, more resources, more weapons, more time, and for what? A cheap taser could do what she does!”

“You didn’t pick up a gun your first day out of the womb and start ghosting hostiles, did you?!”

“I don’t know,” Romo snarked, “Rue might’ve.”

“We don’t have time for this! Why am I the only one being practical here? Don’t you all feel stupid standing here waiting for a light to come on?” Rue gestured madly to the pitiful setup they’d designed. “And this –THIS—is where we’re laying our bets? Wake up!”

“That’s enough!” Karth raised his voice so even Astrid flinched. His genteel composure slipped, and Astrid altogether gave up blocking them out.

“Report yourself to the captain. Get some damned perspective before you prove yourself as much a child as you behave!”

He barked after the blonde, who, face cross and body tense, flipped the commander the bird before she rotated back for the stairs and stomped off.

The moment she left, however, the thickness of the air decompressed.

“I’m sorry.” Astrid’s shoulders drooped as Rue’s words diminished one soft echo at a time. Karth wandered a few steps, to recompose himself.

“Ignore her.” Tenya and the others moved in. “You’ll get there. We’re asking a lot of you. Maybe we’re moving too fast. It’s only been a day.”

“We know you can do it touching your target,” Romo reminded her. “It’s a place to start. Practice moving the energy back and forth as quickly and efficiently as you can. And who knows, maybe it’ll make this exercise easier in the future.”

Frustrated, Astrid collected the lamps and headed for a dark corner and some personal space.

The others remained, for a time, to talk. While they may have wanted to help her, there was little they could do.

The men eventually dispersed, unsure of how to support her. Tenya, however, padded to where Astrid worked the flow between the two lanterns.

The two sat in silence as shifting light lit each somber face. After multiple passes, Astrid, in her agitation, pushed and pulled sharper, hastier. But it tired her, and only fostered her morose mood.

“You seem so sure that your kind are so dangerous to us,” Tenya finally chanced. “Not to minimize that possibility but… is that why you’re having a hard time now?”

“We’re dangerous because people lose control.” Astrid could feel the annoyance in her voice and loathed it. “Our power gets unpredictable, and more potent when we experience intense emotions. That’s why we spend so much time learning to regulate ourselves.”

“So maybe the key to your power is letting yourself indulge in your emotions. Then controlling how that manifests.”

“That would be—”

“Risky, I know,” Tenya interjected. “But Astrid, our jobs are risky. Don’t you get that? We all, all of us here, risk our lives all the time. You’re not among a bunch of unwitting civilians. And you’re not one either. Not anymore.

“This is what we do. Warriors and pacifists don’t live by the same code. And as long as you hold back, as long as you keep acting like you’re a monster to be constrained, you will always be in that cage.”

Tenya vacated the table, to return the Channeler to her solitude.

“Think about it.”

~~~

Astrid labored until she simply couldn’t conduct the power anymore. It took only an hour before she slumped forward, wearied. Though, it served an interesting data point by Ishioka’s observation when Astrid made her routine trip for a quick check in.

Most the crew turned in. But when Astrid made to join them, she was ambushed in the commons just outside the sleeping quarters.

Out of nowhere, a muscled arm swung into her vision. A vicious heave slammed Astrid’s back against the wall until she saw stars. A tight grip on her throat squeezed.

Fatigued, Astrid gave a feeble struggle against the assault.

A face under messy platinum hair sneered in the dark.

“You shouldn’t be here, Deathborn. I won’t let you kill us all.”

Astrid lashed her hands around Rue’s forearm, but the woman held her pinned.

“I don’t want to. I’m not going to!” she gasped.

“But you can’t control it, right? Like the infants? You’re a mess. It’d be more efficient to put an end to this experiment right now.”

At the threat, Rue constricted her fingers, and Astrid choked on thinning air. Through the vicious touch Rue’s static fizzled in hatred the likes of which Astrid never crossed paths before. It tasted of bile and resentment but so much darker and acrid.

“Then why don’t you?”

Only when her own voice rasped, jagged, did Astrid feel frightened. And for a moment, Rue clutched tighter.

Astrid’s lean neck gave in to the strength behind the soldier’s grasp. Worn from her training, Astrid couldn’t summon the might to fight back. The edges of her vision darkened around Rue’s scornful expression.

Then, all at once, the trooper slammed her against the hull again and relinquished her hold. Astrid sagged to the ground. She wheezed for air until she coughed.

“Look at you,” Rue spat. “You’re pathetic. You’re just another wild animal to be put down. But I don’t have to do it. You’ll get yourself killed before too long.”

Astrid stayed low. She eyed Rue’s heavy boots and avoided any reason to give the woman cause to use them.

“Stay away from the others. I won’t let you take any of my people down with you.”

The soldier stamped into the dorm and left the Channeler to the floor. In relief, Astrid curled up against the wall and tenderly rubbed her own throat.

Soon, tears welled against her will, and afraid someone would hear, she buried her face in her shaking arms.

Too much. Too much change, too much helplessness, too quickly, broke through the careful constructed foundation of Astrid’s composure. And finally, a much-needed cry clawed up her body and spilled from her eyes.

Only by the grace of exhaustion did her abilities summon not even a meager presentation. There was nothing left.

One day, she thought. It took one day from home to find herself attacked for merely being what she was.

Maybe Rue was right, and this whole adventure would be short-lived. Perhaps Astrid signed her own death warrant, and now nothing could blot out the ink or divert her from her day of judgement.

She cradled her crystal, her last tie to the Sanctuary, against her chest.

“I am light.” Her voice trembled as she whispered to herself in the dark. “I am light.”

Her sadness could not withstand how tired she felt. She possessed nothing more to give. Instead, a weight settled in her stomach for the night.

Rue lay, still awake, when Astrid collected herself enough to go to bed. The blonde stretched over her mattress on her back, totally relaxed with her head lounged in the crook of her arm as if nothing happened.

If not for her exhaustion, Astrid might never have found rest. But her mind and body gave her no alternative. She only hoped Rue would not renege her assertion that life itself would kill the Channeler before the soldier took it upon herself.