When I hung up the phone, I found that Afflqwst had given me two new tasks. One that I was already trying to work on, but also a new one that I was completely onboard with.

Quest - Your affiliate is an affiliate in name only. Complete basic start up requirements in order to provide a functional business model, and the bare minimum requirements of sustaining life.

REQUIREMENTS:

Produce a regular source of income. Provide shelter, water, food, and power for affiliate operators.

PROBABLE OUTCOME - Affiliate seizure. (65%).

POSSIBLE OUTCOME - Affiliate establishment. (35%).

REWARD - Upgrade coupon on select Afflqwst items.

Those numbers certainly didn’t thrill me, but I couldn’t exactly say I was surprised either. Felt like a good reminder to get working, and the next quest told me exactly what I needed to be working on.

Quest - Your affiliate is in danger from the sentient beings known as Sleem. You must find their base and eliminate it. Clear the Sleem from your affiliate’s land.

REQUIREMENTS:

Locate Sleem Base Of Operations Clear base of Sleem Affiliate forces. Scavenge base for sales items. (Optional) Retrofit base for Affiliate use.

PROBABLE OUTCOME - Hostile Takeover of affiliate property (95%).

POSSIBLE OUTCOME - Sleem retreat from Earth (.005%).

REWARD - Sale coupon on select Afflqwst items.

When I thought about the Sleem again, I opened BuyMort with a sigh. This time, I dove straight into the ad space, looking for Clippy. He was there, right where I left him, slowly circling his orb of advertisements, gazing lovingly at it.

“Stop pondering your orb, Clippy, we have work to do,” I said.

Clippy turned and a smile lit his cartoonish features. I again felt bad for him, for what BuyMort had done to a fundamentally innocent concept.

“Do you have a task today? I would love to help . . .” The paperclip swirled over to me and hovered around my consciousness. Several ad screens from his orb began to loosen, before following him over.

“Yes, I need to fight the Sleem. Gotta kill or chase some of ‘em off, please.” I said, gritting my teeth. His computerized consciousness was heavy with desire, and the closer he came to me, the more I could feel it resonating against my own consciousness. It was an extremely uncomfortable sensation.

“It looks like you’re trying to manage a home defense project! Would you like me to offer some products to help with that task?”

The animated paperclip’s face distorted and extended. His eyes became disturbingly large while his cartoon mouth spread in a giant dopey smile.

“We have so many ways to help . . .”

His features billowed out at the edges and deflated back to normal.

The first ad he popped up for me was a walking tank. Something roughly three times the size of Phyllis’ mech was displayed on screen, hefting two large chemical flamethrowers, one on each arm. In what looked like a mud-crete hangar, the mech faced off against several Sleem. The majority of them were the little ones I was used to, in their standard variations of color. Blueish, greenish, yellowish, etc. But one of them near the back was significantly larger, cube shaped, and nearly translucent. The war machine sprayed gouts of fire across the mud-crete floor, and the Sleem all panicked and started scrambling to avoid the flames.

Trongdoor the Burninationator — Burninationating the Multiverse, Burninationating the Sleem, Burninationating all of the Critters from your Mudcrete Strongholds! 5,000,000 morties, 5 stars

I swiped it away. No chance I could afford that thing, nor did I suspect it would fit underground. It was honestly a crapshoot if Phyllis was going to fit, and I was terrified about the prospect of her not being with us down there. Clippy sighed in relief when I swiped away the ad.

“Here’s another technically valid option!” He chirped, as a new ad spun from the orb to his hand.

A mordren festooned with grenade belts stepped into frame in a dark alley. A Sleem oozed from around a corner in front of him, followed by several more. The mordren looked back at the camera and winked, then pulled a thin glass orb from one of his belts and casually tossed it into the growing crowd of Sleem oozes. It sunk into one of the Sleem and burst, sending a cascade of jet black liquid through the hapless slime monster. It released a single squealing fart and erupted in black jelly. Where the glop touched other Sleem, it sunk into them and spread until they all began bursting in small splashes of inky gore.

Memento Mori Multiversal, The Morigan anti-Sleem grenade system — Human grade weapon designs, tested and approved by veteran mordren campaigns, The Morigan is a product of unparalleled effectiveness in halting and reversing Sleem infestations on your homeworld. Seek them out, toss the flask, tell those Sleem to kiss your ass. With MMM, quality is guarunteed. 50,000 morties / grenade, 4.7 stars

“And another!” Clippy was getting excited again. I got a little nervous, but watched the ad.

Several Hobbs in composite armor piled into cover behind a mud-crete barrier in the middle of an alien city. It looked like real combat footage, shot from the air. Bizarre buildings featuring large overhanging terrarium orbs at the top dominated the streets, and dripped Sleem.

“Infestation Cleanser!” rolled across the screen as one of the soldier Hobbs lifted a shoulder mounted launcher of some sort. Sleem began pouring into the streets in the thousands, cubes, and even distant giant orbs visible in the background, as the soldier’s team hooked up two large cables to the back of his launcher, and then to a nearby portable generator. As the tsunami of Sleem rolled to the soldiers’ position, the launcher suddenly activated and fired a roaring purple beam into the slime monsters.

They popped, erupted, and melted into smoke as they were touched by the beam weapon. Inky smoke began to cover the street, but the soldier just waved his beam weapon back and forth. It splashed harmlessly against the buildings but devastated any Sleem it touched.

Infestation Cleanser — In a dimension not so different from yours or mine there exist exact copies of every species of every dimension and every space and time, but reversed. For every you, an anti-you. For every Sleem, an anti-Sleem . . . Using our secret blend of crushing, squeezing and juicing, we blend, grind and energize until we have the perfect 100% effective anti-Sleem matter ray. Sleem eradicate worlds. Don't risk your life on some cheap anti-Sleem wannabe. Go big or lose your home. Go Infestation Cleanser. 438,000,000 morties. 5 stars. Spare Generators cost extra.

I sighed and waved it away as Clippy moaned in disappointment beside me. I turned and curled a lip at him in horror. “Could you not make that sound, ever again please?”

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” Clippy floated back to his orb and began blinking furiously as he searched through the ads. Each time he blinked, an ad flickered across his cartoon eyes, and I immediately felt bad for yelling at this poor, broken thing. “Here!” He shouted, yanking an ad block from the orb with his hands.

“This one will help you with your task, I just know it.”

The ad spun toward me faster than the holographic Paperclip AI, and I was poorly prepared for what it showed. An Orc woman screamed as an attacking Sleem cube consumed her entirely. Her body entered the slime block and began to bubble, as she writhed in pain and all of her body hair burned off in an instant. Large bubbles escaped from the Sleem cube, and the woman’s screams mixed with its gastrointestinal sounds, perverting her death cries with great ripping fart sounds.

Then another Orc stepped forward and jabbed the cube with a long, triple-spiked pole. The weapon sparked at the end when it made contact, and the cube reacted immediately. It convulsed and ejected the woman from its innards. The Orc pressed and jabbed it again as another Orc sprayed foam from a handheld canister over the woman’s body, neutralizing the remaining Sleem juice. Again it convulsed when the rod sparked and tried to retreat. The ad ended with a rotating icon of the item.

Sleem Stick - Keep it at a distance. Neutralize and incapacitate. Cheap and effective Sleem defense in the palms of your hands, however many there might be. 250 morties/ea, 4.3 stars.

I paid for a dozen of them on the spot.

Clippy moaned in pleasure this time, and it was far worse than the other sound. I moved to leave, but the distorted AI grabbed my arm.

“Did I help you with your task?” It shouted at me. “Your task?”

Another ad was floating toward me from the orb, and I waved it away. “Yes, Clippy. You helped me with my task, now let me go.”

His hands, and more importantly, his consciousness released me immediately. The feeling of being in the same ‘room’ as this entity disturbed me greatly. He felt like one of those toothy fish with a little dangling light on the forehead, and the Clippy cartoon felt like the light.

“Please! I haven’t helped you with your task, I know I haven’t! I can see it all over you, I haven’t helped! Please, let me help you with your task!” The AI freaked out. I could feel it’s anxiety in the cloud with me, and in a moment of fear and confusion, I focused on the ad he showed me.

A group of human children played at a park, near a row of low bushes. From the bushes, stalked a small Sleem ooze toward a secluded child in a sand pit. The image slowed down, and a male Nah’gh wearing a business suit top appeared on screen and crooned in a pleasant baritone, “We’ve all dealt with the Sleem. Dangerous, dirty, and full of low cunning. Here we see why we can’t even let our children play without vigilance.” Then he looked at the child and the Sleem. “Or can we?”

He vanished, and the scene played out quickly. The Sleem ooze lunged and attempted to envelop a small toddler playing in a sand pit. The air around the child vibrated, and the Sleem sparked against an invisible barrier and retreated before it had even managed to extend its body over the child’s head. The Nah’gh returned to the screen as concerned parents rushed to gather children, and a Hobb ran onto the scene brandishing a weapon at the Sleem. “With Dynatrope’s newest personal shielding for children, never worry about the Sleem again.”

KiddyCap Shielding - Do you love your child? 250,000 morties, 4.4 stars.

As I waved it away I noticed with horror that it had a disclaimer about cubes and orbs not being covered. Clippy was looming though, and I recoiled as the ad closed. “Dude!” The cartoon paperclip spun away, cowering behind his orb. “Personal space.”

I turned to leave again, and he whimpered at me from behind the Orb. “Did I help you with your task?”

“Yes, Clippy, you helped me with my task. I bought the Sleem Sticks.” I stared at the bizarre paperclip and shook my head.

“That wasn’t your task though.” He said.

I hesitated. “It wasn’t?”

“No, your task was to-” he switched to a recording of my own voice. “Fight the Sleem.”

My eyes narrowed and I wondered what the hell this AI was up to. “Won’t the Sleem Sticks help me fight the Sleem?”

“Helping is fulfilling. Helping more is more fulfilling. I can still help you with your task!” Clippy floated a little closer, over the top of his orb. It hummed and glowed and something clicked. All of the different ads he showed me had a theme.

I raised an eyebrow at the AI and he moaned in pleasure again.

“I’ve helped you with your task! WHEEEEE!!”

The paperclip flew at me with a primordial screech and swooped by overhead. He zoomed across the ceiling, still exalting his triumph and I left. Instinctually, I left the ad sphere. Didn’t even realize it until the ground beneath my feet registered again and I was blinking in the Arizona Sunset once more, a dozen boxes of Sleem Sticks stacked around me.

Clippy really had helped me. When I thought about the ads he showed me, I was given multiple methods to kill Sleem. What was present in all was some kind of energetic weapon. A chemical poison or acid, flamethrowers, beam weaponry. Even their reactions to electrical activity showed something important, especially when I remembered how shooting one with my sawed-off had gone.

The Sleem were resistant to physical damage, and weak to energy damage. That’s why the extinguisher had hurt but not killed them. The foaming agent sucking the oxygen out of the Sleem was a minor chemical reaction, and that was enough to damage their bodies. My mind raced with possibilities, and I had to admit, Clippy had really helped me with my task.

Back to BuyMort I went.

Ads blasted across my vision, a cornucopia of weapons and ammunition vendors splaying across the horizon. I narrowed in the vision, selecting for exotic varieties of shotgun ammunition and found a vendor that claimed a high variety.

GARY’S “GET ‘EM GOOD” GUNS GARDEN

I browsed their interactive storefront, aisles strung full of bandoleers, each labeled with a different sort of ammunition type. It was, frankly, an astounding place. Their affiliate page reminded me of a supermarket for gunheads, the sort of place that was perfect for the apocalypse. Even the virtual air smelled like gunpowder. I browsed through, thoroughly checking the options at my disposal in what felt like hours but was almost certainly a simple blink of the eye.

DRAGON’S BREATH — Shot and cooked on demand. Gives a new meaning to fast food. 20 morties/shell

I opened a bandoleer and examined the shells. They were nearly identical to my standard red buckshot shells, but had a tiny golden dragon emblazoned near the rim of each shell. The packaging claimed a hot burning load of magnesium sparks delivered up to thirty meters. Sounded like exactly what I needed, and the next shells I found seemed even better.

TASER SLUGS — When violent mobs swarm your streets, Taser Slugs make the difference. Shock and awe with the amazing accuracy and downright brutal power of lightning-flavored pain. Protect your family with Taser Slugs. 15 morties/shell

The next bandoleer was filled with clear plastic solid rounds. I could see a microchip, and coiled wire in each, with deployable fins on the sides and injector needles at the tip. Each of these taser rounds would deliver 500 volts of current and should at least slow down or stun a Sleem. I bought two of each. One set of bandoleers was for me, the other for Tollya, and her SPAZ-12 shotgun.

My next purchase was a new helmet.

I know, I know, but I had a line of reasoning, so hear me out. My first thought was that I should be okay fighting the Sleem. If I got spit on or something, the suit would fix me up. Then I remembered we were going to be underground, which is essentially their perfect environment, and one of them might surprise me by dropping from the ceiling to engulf me. They seemed to like engulfing people, and humans were apparently already a part of this BuyMort system before Earth, so they know how to fight us.

Maybe even one of those cubes would get me somehow, they seemed aggressive and terrifying from the videos.

I wasn’t really worried about most of my body in even that scenario because I had the starfish suit and if I keep it charged I should be fine. One of the Hobbs would spike it with a Sleem Stick, pull me out, and my suit would spray me down and heal me up. But I got nervous thinking about my head again. This time, it was vanity. I was worried that I could be scarred up by the suit. Turned into a zany video game villain with a stapled-on face or something.

BuyMort had me covered, of course. Ads zipped in, rippling over my mind’s eye like waves over the ocean.

PASGT — Tried and true human technology now available in bulk and at steep discount, PASGT Kevlar helmets saw much use in the human’s constant global conflicts.

An outer shell of multi-layer Kevlar folds, low cut and set over humanoid ears with a lip over simian brow structures, it is a powerful mix of cheap and effective. 4.2 stars, 500 morties.

I was shocked to see the rows upon rows of US Military helmets on display in my head. Each one almost certainly had once had a user, yet here they were on absolute discount sale waiting for poor and desperate shoppers. I reluctantly bookmarked the ad, saving it as a last resort. There had to be better.

MICH — A modern-use human helmet technology, the MICH saw use in special operations in human tactical squad actions.

An outer shell of reinforced Kevlar, open brow and sides allow for better visibility and great situational awareness in the heat of combat. Inserted rails allow for the easy attachment of tactical accessories — perfect for the mod-happy smart shopper. 4.5 stars, 1000 morties.

The sales pitch looked good, but the helmet itself covered less than the PASGT did. And I had yet to use a mod or become proficient in their use. It was something I would have to look into later.

FAST — Carbon, Uni-directional Polyethylene and Woven Aramid, dressed with a rail system for tactical accessories. High cut to preserve situational awareness in combat situations. 4.6 stars. 2000 morties.

Too many Earth helmets. I was more than willing to spend the morties on this. I needed something fancy and powerful. Something better than anything that Earth ever came up with.

The ads shuffled and shifted, sliding and waving through my vision. A series of very unsuitable and possibly even profane shapes slid by as BuyMort’s algorithms shifted out other body types for a helmet suited to us standard humanoids. Now things were looking shinier and more high tech. Fully-encasing helmets, computerized innards, bullet-proof and plas-resistant. This was the sort of thing I was looking for.

TITANO-Z — Looking to lead your men to glory? Save your head, keep them under command and heading in the right direction with Titano-Z. Unparalleled titanium-exotic alloys that weigh almost nothing while giving you full tactical interior comms with members of your squad. Onboard scanner, lights, starlight and full-dark vision, air filters and even adrenal boosters for the worst fight-or-flight emergencies. (Adrenal booster chem-packs sold separately.)

Titano-Z. Go be a goddamn hero. 350,000 morties. 5 stars.

It was beautiful. I’m not going to lie, it did cross my mind that this was kind of a lot of morties. But it looked perfect and it felt worth a couple spiders in trade.

When it arrived, I happily cut away the disgusting flesh tape and tossed it aside, before reaching into the box lovingly and retrieving my new, jet black motorcycle helmet of the future. It featured a full Heads Up Display on the inside screen with amazing customization, and an emotive display on the outside, for team-mates. The instructions showed me how to start it up, with a small switch on the inside rim, and when I flicked it I giggled in delight. Turns out I’m a helmet nerd. Never woulda guessed it, but a good helmet is a really interesting piece of equipment.