Harry

Hours left unaccounted for, the culprit a prescription bottle of sleeping pills without a refill, yet again. The city of angels was my destination. A city full of bright days and hectic nights. A city of rising stars and diligent talents. Moved out here by a meager demo that was well liked by keen ears. Moved out here by a monstrous devastation that was poorly taken by a broken heart.

A city full of brilliant blazes of bright light but none shine quite like she did. I left without a goodbye, a simple 'Thank you' scribbled out in my shitty script that was hidden on a sunsoaked post-it within the yellowing pages of an eternally returned biography.

A city of lush green but no meadows in sight, monotonous lawns that are pampered into perfection. I hurried away without a goodbye, pathetic peering through storefronts at her industrious efforts to worship the temple that built her up studiously.

A city of amber waves dusted in sunshine, falsified blondeness that is spoiled into sublimity. I ran away without a goodbye, woefully waving at her doorstep before tossing back pills and sleeping away the dreaded journey.

A city that was full of new beginnings and second chances. I received the attention I required—therapy for my body and therapy for my soul. In-patient rehabilitation until my sobriety was solidified, weekly counseling until my mind's wounds were stitched so well that they could begin to heal.

A city shrouded in shining starlight and sparkling serenity. Integrity driven introspection paving the way for noted memories that ebb and flow through musicality. Memories that I swore I'd pathetically sulk over for the rest of my days, I've turned into my passion. My longing for admiration brought me here and now my loss of adoration has kept me here. Plans to remain a specter of spoken word destroyed by the warning of wasted potential.

And so here I am, sitting across from radio show host Zach Lauwer just weeks after the release of my album. The album that truly belongs to her—every word inspired by her. The syllables spilled from her lips or onto ink covered pages whittled into the deepest parts of my mind to haunt my own reflections of this earthly existence.

"That was Sign of the Times from rising star Harry Styles. His self-titled debut album is a quote, 'Breath of fresh air. Combining nostalgic elements of the past that will bring forth a new age of music,' according to critics. That's pretty high praise, wouldn't ya say?" Zach's voice is full of articulated enthusiasm and intrigue.

"Yeah, it's absolutely incredible, I couldn't ask for a better reaction." My chest tightens as the anxious joy fills it.

"Now your album has come out only a few weeks ago but you've got a special treat for us here at 97.5 Pacific?" He asks, his excited annunciation continuous.

I hum lowly before I respond, "Yes, I've got a new song. I wanted it to be played here first."

"Surprise drop? Bold move."

"I have to be bold while I can, I guess."I jest, my smile widening until my cheeks hurt. My eyes glance down to the pristine clouded blue that had remained on the nail of my smallest finger for the last year, I haven't let it be any other color, I wanted to hold a piece of her with me wherever I go. I've painted my nails countless times since I've adjusted to the eternal summer of California but that nail has continued to be my loving reminder of her light.

"We talked off air and you told me that this new song is your most meaningful, most important."

"Uh, yeah. It definitely is, I've been through a lot, I've grown while I've been out here, I wanted to reflect that in this song." My voice so full of serenity that a pang of insecurity forces an ache in my gut.

"Yeah, you've struggled with alcoholism since you were fourteen?"

"I have, I'm in recovery and I can finally do what I've always wanted. I owe it all to one person, I wouldn't be here without them." I pause for a moment in reflection before I continue, "You're probably not listening, but if you are, the songs are about you, every single one of them. We said that we didn't want a forever, it was right that way, but it was an honor to be loved by someone like you, it was my pleasure to love you."

"Wow. Mind if we play it?"

A light laugh breaks the tension in my abdomen,, "Go right ahead."

"This is a new one, Fine Line by Harry Styles, here on 97.5 PacificSun."

"Put a price on emotion, looking for something to buy. You've got my devotion, but man I can hate you sometimes."

Hearing my own honesty spilled through my headset leaving a grin slapped across my face.

"We'll get the drinks in. So I'll get to thinking of her."

I let out a long exhale through my nose as my smile loosens for a moment, the darkness that once shrouded me has now lifted and left me with the opportunity to be doused in my own light.

"We'll be a fine line."

I continue to listen to my own song, watching the callers calling in and lighting up the board. Each one left to be dismissed.

"You sunshine, you temptress. My hand's at risk, I fold."

I can't help the wandering of my mind to her. She lives in my dreams, day and night, I cannot escape them, I cannot escape her. She has burrowed her way into my mind and will forever be at home there.

"We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be alright."

I pray selfishly that she has not been lonesome but not been without solitary sleep. I cannot imagine someone else being where I've been.

"We'll be alright. We'll be alright."

The instruments fade out and the quiet hum continues for a moment before it's over. My hands shake as I am brought back to where I am, what will happen. Callers will be answered and my music will be subjectively judged based upon biases I will never know the origins of. Fans will praise and critics will dismiss, but it is mine and I will stand by it all.

"That was Fine Line by Harry Styles. Incredible, dude."

"Thank you." Gratuity drowning my words.

"Alright now let's go to our calls, see what our listeners have to say." He says with a smooth zealousness.

A caller is picked and I am shocked what comes after his introduction, "This Zach Lauwer and you're listening to 97.5 PacificSun. What's your name, where are you calling from?"