It's Christmas!

I shoot up straight with wide eyes and fling the mossy comforter off of my legs. My toes hit the cold wooden floor and I'm practically running down the hallway. I make it to the front room where our Christmas tree is and double check to make sure everyone's gifts are under it. My feet take me to the kitchen where I dig through the cabinet for the coffee grounds. I turn on the pot and it starts brewing. The aroma of rich coffee and pine needles fill the early morning.

I actually used to hate Christmas, it was the day I looked forward to the least. For the first six years of my life, Christmas wasn't special. Teddy and I didn't get any presents, there were no decorations, no music, nothing. I remember going back to school after winter break and everyone showing off their new clothes and their new toys, I would just sit there twiddling my thumbs until class started. It was embarrassing to say that you didn't get anything, the looks you'd get from the other kids was uncomfortable. They didn't understand they were being mean, they just didn't understand, but that didn't make it any better.

Bob changed that for me, he filled our house with beautiful song and joyful decoration. I remember the first time we got a tree. Bob took Teddy and I to a tree farm and we picked the biggest tree they had, he had to break it to us that a tree that large wouldn't fit in our tiny house but it was still one of my happiest memories. We painted our own ornaments and he made a star. That star is still on our tree to this day, he gave it to Teddy and Nick when they moved into this house.

I don't get to see Bob that often anymore because of work and school but when I do it feels simultaneously as if it's been years and yet no time has passed at all. His jovial smile and hearty laugh bring me such warmth.

It's only seven and Darcy won't be here with breakfast until nine. She's picking up Tiff's for everyone, we decided this year that we'd start this tradition. Bringing our little makeshift family together. Sam is coming over too, it's the first Christmas I get to spend with him. He said that it would be a nice change of pace from his usual mad dashes from one relative's house to another.

Nick steps into the kitchen with a tired smile and a quiet, "Merry Christmas Phoebe." His sleep deprived eyes and wild hair proving that Edward still has yet to sleep through the whole night. He reaches for a mug and pours coffee into it until it nearly overflows.

I sit down at the breakfast nook and pat the seat next to me, "Merry Christmas Nick."

He obliges and sips at his coffee. Nick and I have this unspoken pact that we don't converse until we've both had our coffee. It's for the best that we don't. We're both very unagreeable when we're tired and we've gotten into it before because of it.

He downs his coffee pretty quickly and then looks back to me, "Okay, I need to talk to you about something."

I set my mug down on the table but wrap my hands around it to use it as a heat source for my iced hands. "Shoot."

"I want to marry Teddy." He blurts out.

I let out a laugh and give him an expression that says, 'Obviously.'

"I want to marry her. I want to be the only person she wakes up next to everyday. I want it to be me and her forever." He rubs the heels of his palms on his eyes, "I just don't know how to ask, I want it to be special."

"Nick, I'm sure however you ask will be perfect." I put my hand on his shoulder and give it a reassuring squeeze.

His head drops down and he shakes his head, "I messed it up. It wasn't supposed to go like this. I was supposed to marry her first, do it the right way."

I swat his arm and he pulls up to look at me as he rubs the side of his arm, "Idiot, there is no right way. The 'right way' is to be there for one another when you need it and enjoy your time together. Marriage doesn't have to be part of the equation, if you want it to be then it's the right way, but don't just do it because other people say it's what you're supposed to do. Teddy loves you like I've never seen anyone love someone else, she knows you love her and that you want to be with her forever. She doesn't need marriage because it's the right way, she just needs you."

"I just wonder if this is what she really wanted." He sighs.

"She didn't write her number on your receipt for you to question if she really wanted this. She didn't stick around when times got tough and money got tight for you to question if she really wanted it. She didn't have your kid for you to question her love for you. Everything she's done is because she loves you and wants you." My voice gets louder as my anger boils the blood in my veins, I have to quiet myself again.

Nick gives me a nervous look and nods slowly, "I just want her to be happy. She's everything to me. I never thought I'd feel that way about anyone but I do and it's terrifying. I'm so scared that one day she's gonna wake up and realize that I'm not half good enough and I'm not this great man she makes me out to be."

"Have you seen the way she looks at you? Have you really seen it?" I ask with a hint of offence under my tone. It makes me angry that he's questioning this because he has everything you could ask for, Teddy is everything that anyone could ever want.

"Yes," he pauses, "I've seen it." His anxiousness fades and a smile pulls across his lips as he looks towards their bedroom. "I can't live a day without her looking at me like that. It's all I need."

"Okay, Nick you don't have to marry her. She doesn't need you to, she knows that it's you and her. It's a piece of paper. It won't change the way she looks at you or the way she feels about you because it's just a piece of paper. She'll still love you no matter what, so if you marry her, marry her because you want to, not because you think you need to." I say with an assertive tonality.

"I do, I really do want to marry her." He says as he keeps his sight on the doorway to the kitchen.

"Okay, then do it."

Just as those words come from my mouth Teddy walks into the kitchen with Edward in her arms. Her tired eyes were full of excitement for the day's events. "Do what?"

Nick and I look at each other for a moment before he speaks, "Deep fry a turkey next year."

"Ew, Nicky that's gross." She says as she reaches for a mug.

A small snicker comes out of my nose as I sit there with a smile on my face. Nick wants to marry Teddy. Teddy has been talking about marrying Nick since she met him, I know that this is what she wants.

We move to the front room and I turn on the tree lights before flicking on the television to a random channel, every channel is playing Christmas movies so it doesn't matter which one we switch it to. The 1960s version of Rudolph plays on the screen as we sit around waiting for our guests to arrive.

Bob came at around eight-thirty, followed by Darcy at nine, and then Sam came in right after her. We pulled open the mound of styrofoam leftover boxes and ate until we felt sick. I probably had six pancakes at least. We joked and talked about past Christmases before we finally decided to open presents.

Darcy told us about her first Christmas with Eddie, they were just married and had just opened the bookstore. They were living above it and could only afford to get each other one present. Eddie bought her a book full of pictures of wild flowers, like the ones he'd picked her when they'd started going out. He told her that it was too cold for any flowers to grow but once spring came, he'd bring her a thousand yellow daisies because those were her favorite. She got him a new bow tie because he'd burnt the other one on a candle in the store.

Bob retold the Christmas tree farm story and how much joy it brought him to see Teddy and I try to carry the tree we ended up getting back to the car by ourselves. He pointed to the wound-wire star that sat atop the tree and thanked us for continuing to use his mediocre creation.

Teddy placed Edward in his strap-in chair and we all sat on the ground like little kids under the tree. I dig through the presents until I've passed out my gifts to everyone and I watch them open them. Darcy thanked me for her new stationary, she'd been needing it for nearly a year. I got Teddy and Nick a baby monitor, they'd forgotten to buy one. Bob immediately put on the ugly Christmas sweater I got him, he'd always been a sucker for cheesy Christmas stuff. Sam was last, I got him a kit to make a paw print ornament of Henry and Bubby's paws.

Sam planted a kiss on the side of my head and immediately shoved his gift to me onto my lap. I pulled the red paper off slowly, which killed Sam with anticipation. It was a book full of a collection of new poems by smaller poets. He told me he hoped it'd inspire me to share my work one day because he knew it was better than anything that was in that book.

Bob gave me a canvas tote bag with a print of different vinyls on it, Teddy had told him about my habit of taking my notebook everywhere with me and that I always just carry it in my hand. He said he knew I wasn't a purse girl and so he'd gotten me something he thought I might actually use.

Teddy and Nick bought us a new coffee machine. Ours was ancient and finicky, I appreciated it but I found it funny that they got us a collective gift.

Darcy gave me something I'd been asking for forever. She finally gave me a key to the store. She'd said when I started working there that I'd get a key but then Eddie passed away and she forgot. She'd bring it up every few months that she still needed to get me a copy of the key and then nothing would come of it. I'd honestly given up hope of ever getting a key. She said, "Now you can use it as a writing space. A place to clear your head and let your art run free."

We all got each other rather practical and inexpensive gifts, it's more special this way. A flashy gift is exciting for a short while but then you forget about it and never use it again. Everyday items stick with you and you never forget how you got them. It's something that was spurred on by the experiences Teddy and I had as children. We'd go to school with nothing, not understanding why Santa didn't get us anything while other kids had so many new gifts. I hated feeling that way and not understanding.

Teddy has said that Edward will not get nice presents from 'Santa.' Gifts from 'Santa' would be practical things such as socks or new shoes, toys would come from mom and dad. That way other kids at school with less money wouldn't be hurt. I love that concept and I wish more people would adopt it.

Teddy put Edward down for a nap and then Nick and her ended up falling asleep on the couch. Bob said he needed to go to his brother's house for dinner and Darcy was eager to go put her stationary in the store. Sam and I watched a few movies before deciding to go grab hot chocolate and look around town at the decorations.

We bundled up in our coats and I got dressed. I put on a pair of jeans, a tan turtleneck, and a huge flannel that I'd stolen from Bob years ago. I slipped on my usual pair of boots and my heavy coat. My hair was hidden under a beanie which Sam so graciously shoved over my eyes when he tired to put on my head. We laughed at that for far too long before heading out the door.

We snuck in Tiff's right before they closed early for the day and got hot chocolate. Giana and Grace wished us Merry Christmas and tugged at Sam's cheeks like a little child. They both kept looking between Sam and I before exchanging elated smiles with one another.

Sam went up to the counter and got the two cups, while he was up there Grace wrapped her shoulder around me and whispered to me, "He's the keeper."

A soft snicker came from both her and I before Sam handed me the warmed beverage and took my hand into his.

We sipped on it as we walked hand in hand down the streets. We saw the classic decorations on the main street and the residual lights in the neighborhoods. There were so many beautifully lit homes with wreaths and candles in the windows, those were always my favorite. We made a roundtrip and were heading back down main street when I turned my sight to Dorthea's for a moment.

Dorthea and George had set up a tree in the middle of the store and were sitting on stools as Harry dug under the tree and handed a present to each of them. I could tell he was trying to look just as disinterested as always but I thought I saw a glimpse of a real smile on his face.

Sam squeezes my hand and I look at him to see a sweet smile curl onto his lips. His nose red from the cold and his eyes glassy from the wind. His hair wild from being under a hood and teeth chattering slightly.

He leads me to sit on a bench on the sidewalk and he slides his arm over my shoulder and pulls me close to him. He looks at me with a glow about him.

"Today was perfect." I sigh out as I feel Sam's fingers slide up and down my arm.

He rests his head on mine, "Everyday with you is."

I look up at his through my lashes and I feel my cheeks turn a pale pink. I nuzzle my head farther into him and let out pleased hum.

"I'm serious. I want to spend everyday with you." He says with a passionate annunciation.

I lift my head to look at him again and a small smile slides across my lips before I rest my head back down again. I could tell this was headed in a deeper direction that I wasn't ready for, I was trying to play it off and hint to him that I wasn't ready to go there.

"Phoebe," he grabs the sides of my face with his frost-bitten fingertips and his eyes dart between my own, "I want to be with you. Forever."

I just stare at him and blink. I don't know what to say, this is all happening really fast. I like Sam, he's very sweet, but I'm not to that forever phase yet. I know I should be jumping with joy but I'm just sitting here shocked.

I don't believe I'll ever be in that forever phase. I love my independence too much to have to be responsible for someone else, I'm happy as I am.

I press a quick kiss to his lips and pull back. I can see the hurt in his eyes, he knows that I'm not there yet.

"Pheebs," he winces, "I told you that I hoped I wouldn't fall for you, well it's too late for that. I have, I've fallen. I don't want to ever get up."

His face has fallen from its previous heartwarming smile to a look of pure distress.

"Sam," I groan out, "I really like you, I do. I'm not there, I'm not going to fall. I'll be standing here on the edge of the cliff watching you fall, happy to see you when you climb back up, but I won't fall."

"You're not going to fall?" He repeats unsurely.

"No."

"What does that mean then?" He places his hand on my thigh and leans closer to my face.

I can't tell if the glossed over state of his eyes is from the cold or the pain. His nose is redder than before, he's sniffling back emotion. His hands shakier than before, I've crushed him.

"I want to be with you, Sam. I just," I hesitate because I'm not sure how to explain this, "I- I don't need you. Not in the way that you say you need me"

"But you do want to be with me?" He questions, I can hear the desperation in his pleading tone.

"Yes. I want to be with you and I'd like to think that it'd be forever but I just don't know. I don't think I'm meant for a forever." I place my hand on his cheek and brush my thumb over his jaw.

His head falls and he pushes against my hand, "You're just unsure. That's okay."

"No. Sam, I'm not unsure. I know that I don't feel the way you do. You want this long lasting, sit on the porch swing love. You want the forever. That's not who I am, I don't dream of a forever. I dream of a happiness that lasts on its own, not one dependent on someone else. "

He looks down between us and sighs, "I know, I've always kind of known. But I'll be here until you don't me to be here."

"I want you to be here." I gasp out reassuringly.

"Then I'm here." He smiles before he cups my face and kisses me.

We walked home and I could feel the atmosphere between us had changed. Now that it was all out in the open, there wasn't that glint in his eye anymore. I'd taken away the sparkle that he had when he looked at me.

Maybe I did want to be with Sam forever, maybe I was just scared. It seems that I might have ruined that now though.

The previous day's snow had compacted into thick patches of glistening ice on the grass and heavy grey sludge on each side of the road. The bitter winter air left you skin red and sore as soon as you hit the warmth of a home. I like that burn, it reminds me I'm alive.

Sam kissed me goodbye and hopped into his truck. He waved at me before backing out of the driveway and driving away. I watched the red truck disappear down the street with him inside. I stepped up onto the porch to find a thin package resting on the wooden platform.

It was wrapped in what appeared to be an upcycled brown paper back, it had poorly drawn black suns inked on it in several places. A sloppily written word that I recognized right away, Sunshine. The handwriting was one I'd seen several times on post-it notes on a repeatedly returned book.

I picked it up off the wood and lifted it into my arms. I pulled the door open and stepped inside. That warmth burning my numbed nose and fingers. I passed Teddy and Nick in the kitchen, Teddy gave me a confused look which I shook my head at.

I tred down the hallway to my door, I twist the old worn handle and push it to step inside. I lean against it to close it again. I place the vinyl onto my dresser and slide the thick coat off of my arms. I grab a gator clip off the nightstand and pull my hair back off my face.

I pick the vinyl off the beaten dresser and step over to my bed. I study the printed font and sloppy suns before carefully peeling the tape to retrieve what's hidden by the paper. It falls out of the paper onto my lap and I recognize it immediately.

It's the Frank Sinatra vinyl.

I brush my fingers over the old cover and open it to see the black disk inside. The artist's face plastered onto the cover in vivid color with the names of the tracks on the back. The disk is plain and classic.

I place it down on the green bedding and stand up to get the record player from the front room. I carry the heavy object down the hallway, waddling my way back to my room. I'm quick to drop it onto the wooden furnishing and plug it into the wall. I rush over to the bed and pull the disk from its casing, placing it on the turntable and turning the volume up.

'You, you make me feel so young,' are the words that flow out of the old speaker and I sing along as I find my notebook that'd fallen under my bed. The cover had accumulated some dust as I'd left it under there longer than I intended to. The pen from Dorthea's still wedged between two pages.

I open it up and find a corner that I'd not written in yet. I pull the cap off the pen and wiggle it between my teeth as I spill out the words that'd been going through my mind for a while now.

'And maybe we'll work it out

We don't talk about it

It's something we don't do

'Cause once you go without it

Nothing else will do'