《songs about you [h.s.]》I
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I sit on the bench under the awning as the rain pelts the ground. It's a crisp fall rain that's wind bites your skin to leave goosebumps across it. I scribble down anything and everything that comes through my mind as I drag on a cigarette.
I lift my wrist up to see the hands on my watch tick down the time remaining in my shift. Shit, my break was over ten minutes ago. Darcy will have a stroke if I don't go back inside.
I toss the cigarette to the ground and stomp out the burning stick until glowing embers and ash are all that remain. I fold up my pen into my notebook and stick it under my arm as I stand from the bench.
I take in the soaked streets and drowned out noises of chatter and cars driving by before taking the icy handle in my fingers and pulling the door to the bookstore open.The warm air washes my skin as the door shuts behind me.
Darcy's is an old joint here in town, a bookstore nearly as ancient as its owner and the person it's named after. Darcy opened this place when she first came to town almost fifty years ago and it hasn't changed at all. The same books stock the shelves with the same return policy, if you love the book enough to keep it all you have to do is bring back the money back to her and if you don't you just bring back the book. Everyone that's ever stepped into this shop has abided by that rule, including me.
I've been working here for three years, since I was sixteen. It started as a job to give me some money to save for college but it turned out to be the origin story for my biggest aspirations. I sat in these book aisles reading Emily Dickinson when I realized I loved literature, I sat in a chair spinning around behind the cash register when I discovered I loved to write, and I stocked those old tattered books back on the shelves when I finally decided that that's what I wanted to do. I want to have a book on a shelf somewhere with my name on it. I want it to be read so much that it becomes worn. I want people to love it so much that they bring it back to share with others that come through the doors.
I go to the small, local college as an Lit major. It's not a big name school and I've gotten plenty of shit for not taking my opportunity to get as far away from here as possible but I just couldn't bring myself to leave. For one, I don't have the money. More importantly, I don't have the heart to leave this place. I grew up here and I couldn't imagine just leaving, especially leaving Darcy's.
I set my notebook down on the desk behind the checkout and sit down behind the large mahogany desk. I pick up an old book that's so worn the cover has since ripped off. It's a collection of Emily Dickinson poems that I've read cover to cover probably hundreds of times. I know that no one is going to be coming in at this time, it's the middle of the day, children are at school and everyone else is at work.
I flip through the pages before settling on a poem. As my eyes dance across the page I hear the bell above the door chime, I look up to see a guy around my age walk in and tug an umbrella closed.
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He was rather tall and muscular, with a simple white tee shirt and black jeans on. The shaggy brown curls that rested on his head bounced slightly as he walked. Once he disappeared out of my line of sight, I went back down to my book.
I hear a frail voice speak out from behind me, "Phoebe, I've told you not to read during your shift." The short woman had a kind smile on her face that told me she was merely joking, she knew that this was a slow hour for her store just as much as I did.
Darcy is in her seventies, she started this store with her husband who has since passed. I only knew him for about a year, he had Alzheimer's and succumbed to it just after I'd started to enjoy his company. When I first started working I knew he had Alzheimer's, he was constantly forgetting where he put things and who I was. Even when he was on his deathbed though, he never forgot Darcy, not once.
His name was Eddie. Eddie and Darcy, isn't that just the cutest thing you'd ever heard? They were meant to be an old married couple. Every morning when she opens she blows a kiss to his picture that hangs next to the front door and tells him good morning and every night when she closes she blows him another kiss and tells him good night.
Darcy is just as cheery and kind as when Eddie was alive albeit a tad bit slower than before. Her short stature and hunched posture are the only things that broadcast her age, her spirit is very young and lively.
I let out a soft snicker and place my hand on her shoulder, "I'll stop reading during my shift when customers actually start showing up during my shift ole girl."
She shakes her head lightly and places a stack of books in front of me, "Put these back where they belong, Pheebs. Maybe if we have books on the shelves customers will come." She raises a brow playfully before walking away.
I sort through the pile, each book with a sticky note that details the reason for the return. Most of them just say that the customer didn't want to keep it. When I get to the final book, a book about Louis Armstrong, the post-it says, 'great read. too bad i already knew all of this,' in sloppy handwriting. That's one I haven't seen before, why in the world would you get a book about something you already know all about?
I shrug and ball up the post-it throwing it in the trash can with all the others before picking up the stack of books. I hold the books against my chest and set my chin on top of the pile to stop them from falling.
I walk up and down the different aisles, replacing the books where they belong as I go. When I get to the final book, I see the same guy from earlier standing in the aisle scanning the shelves. He'd pick up a book, look at the cover and flip through a few pages in the middle before setting it back on the shelf.
I walk up next to him to slide the book onto the shelf. Once the book is back in its home and I turn around, "What kind of book are you looking for? If you like music I'd suggest a music history book maybe rather than a biography. They usually go into more detail about different genres and periods of music." I try my best to have a friendly smile and demeanor.
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He lifts his head up from the book he's currently half-ass skimming to give me a small glare and he rolls his eyes, "Yeah I know that, I'm not bloody thick." His deep accent surprises me slightly, it sounded British.
I give a half-hearted fake tight lipped smile before spinning on my heel to make my way back towards the front. What an ass, all I was trying to do was help him.
I brush it off and plop back down in my seat again, opening back up my book. My eyes flash across the words, soaking in every syllable to bring her stories to life. She may be outdated to some but to me the oldest literature always holds the most true, messages may change in form but they always find their way through each generation.
I hear a thud on the thick wood desk and lift my head from the page to see a pair of green eyes staring down at me under furrowed brows. I dart my gaze down to the book on the table to see the book I'd just put back on the shelf. I shift my sight between him and the book through my lashes.
"Armstrong fan?" I raise a brow as I flip the book to check the back cover for its price. Darcy always reduces the price of books by half after they've been here for a while. A pink sticker shows her price.
"I guess you could say that," he mutters.
I type the price into the cash register and print a receipt for $5. I place the receipt into the book past its warped, worn cover and bring my vision up to meet his. "If you like the book you just have to bring back the money, if you want to bring it back just drop it in the box by the front."
He shakes his head as his gape traces to the ground and he slips the book under his arm, "I'm not new, I know how it works."
I shrug my shoulders, "Hey, I just work here."
He doesn't say another word, just walks back to the door before opening his umbrella and walking out. He was a character.
I turn in my chair to reach for my notebook and pen. I stretch my arm out and nearly fall from the chair trying to get it. Once my fingertips reach it I snag it from its resting place and bring it to the dark desk. I set the top edge of the book to rest on the desk as I twirl the pen with fingers and tap it to my lip.
I turn the pages until I find one that's not completely filled with my nonsense yet. I pull the cap off with my teeth and let it rest between my lips as I bring the ink to the page.
'The strange character slugged through the aisles, skimming half heartedly for a story he hasn't read- an adventure he's never been on. He hunches down to scowner the books coated in dust, the beloved stories of the past. He settles upon the story of another, a musician, one he's seemed to have read before. His jaded eyes match his jaded soul, living vicariously through the experience of another. Every soul on this purposeless orbitor mirroring the actions of everyone their lives intertwine with. The original is obsolete, all that's left are its copies.'
I tap the pen against the page for a while as I try to articulate my thoughts. I place the cap back on the pen and sink it into the notebook. Darcy comes up to the desk and leans over it, holding her weight on her palms.
"Pheebs, today is slow. You can go home early if you'd like, I'm sure Teddy is waiting for you." She places her wrinkled hand atop mine and taps it lightly. Her creased face turns into a melancholy smile.
I curl my lips into a tightlipped smile and bring her one hand between my two, letting my book fall to my lap. "Dee if you want to get rid of me you could've just said so," I tease.
"Oh, shush. I'd steal you away forever if I could." She laughs weakly and swats at my hand.
I snicker and bring my hands down to bring my book up against my chest, "Want me to bring you back dinner from Teddy?"
She shakes her head in decline, "No thanks Pheebs, I'll whip something up when I get home."
I nod in acknowledgement as I stand up from my chair. I turn my back to her and take my jacket off the hook on the wall. I place my notebook back down on the counter and swing the jacket around to slide my arms into it. Darcy lifts the notebook up to hold it out for me to take, I give her a soft smile and grasp it.
"Ever going to let me put those stories on my shelves?" She inquires with a curious tone.
I shake my head and chuckle softly, "Maybe one day. They're just not ready yet."
She drops her face into a playful scowl and holds her hands out in front of her, "You've said that everytime I ask, Phoebe Mae."
I shrug as I tuck the book under my coat to protect it from the rain that's still steadily falling outside. "And when they're ready they'll be all yours."
I walk around the desk and hold my free arm out towards Darcy, gesturing for a hug. She tilts her head to the side and brings her frail arms to wrap around me, I duck down to bring her into the hug. She brings her hand to the back of my head and presses a gentle kiss to my hair.
"Please, give this old girl something to look forward to." She whispers as she pulls away from my hug.
I bow my head down and head for the door, "Love you Dee."
I hear a muffled reciprocation as the door closes behind me and the bell chimes. The rain comes down harder than before and I pull my hood up over my head.
I head down the sidewalk and scan the windows of the old storefronts that cover this street, this little town is full of mom and pop shops. Each one just as charming as the next, I don't think there is any corporate store within this town.
I study the waterlogged leaves that have since fallen down from the trees that lie under my feet, seeping water out with the pressure of my boots. I leisurely stroll until I'm met with the front of the diner, the dim fluorescent sign reads Tiff's.
Teddy--well Theodora, my sister, has worked here forever. She's much more outgoing than me, kept saying she was going to shake off this crummy old town and see the world. Then she fell in love, got knocked up. Her boyfriend is a nice guy, kind of annoyingly optimistic, but nice. She's about eight months along and working extra hours to make end's meet.
Her boyfriend is an electrician, makes a decent wage but certainly not enough to support a family. She wanted to go to school but ended up giving me the money instead, told me I was the one with the potential to go somewhere bigger and better. The only problem with that being is that she wasn't a great saver, so I really didn't have the money to go anywhere bigger and better, which is okay because as I said before--I didn't really want to leave anyway.
I opened the door by its tarnished gold handle and stepped into the building that smelled of strong coffee and bacon grease. I find a seat at the counter and hop onto a red stool.
Teddy waddles over to me and flips the mug to fill it with coffee. She looks so uncomfortable, I can tell she's starting to get sick of being pregnant. She's tried to be overly happy throughout the whole thing because she said she didn't want to seem ungrateful for such a gift.
"The usual Pheebs?" She asks through labored breathing.
I shake my head and bring my lips to the corner as I think. "Pancakes. Chocolate chip."
She turns partially and shouts back to the cook, "Chip pancakes," she pauses and turns back to me, "How many?"
I scrunch up my nose, "Hmmm, two."
"Two," she shouts again, "Did you hear that John?"
"Got it Teddy. Two coco jacks," He yells back through the order window.
She turns back to me with a smile meant to mask her discomfort. She rubs her bump with her hands as if she's trying to soothe it. She takes a deep breath and knits her brows together. She's never been one to take on pain well.
"Everything alright Ted?" I ask as I slide my coat off and set it on the empty stool next to me, setting my notebook on top of it.
She nods as her face relaxes from its tense state, "Mhm. Baby just keeps kicking me right in the ribs."
I bring my lips to form a line. She's kind of my hero, she's gotten everything from nothing. She found love in a man who is dirt poor, what he lacks in financial wealth he heavily makes up for in kindness. She's taken on another person's life, dedicated herself to raising a kid. She's always wanted that, to have a picture perfect family.
I, on the other hand, don't know what I want. Some days I look at her and can't comprehend how she could possibly be content living this way. But on days like today, I crave what she has. It's never something I can pinpoint, the reason I want it, I just crave normalcy.
Teddy and I never had that picture perfect life growing. Our dad has been in and out of custody since I was three and our mom is just a plain bitch, shittest mother ever. I don't think we would have turned out anything remotely like we did if it wasn't for Bob. Bob was married to our mom until we were teenagers, he left her sorry ass after he found out she'd cheated on him, but he still treats us as his own. He was the one source of light and love we had growing up, our one source of normalcy.
Teddy and I both emancipated from our parents when I was sixteen, the year I got my job at the bookstore. They were more than enthusiastic to kick us to the curb. Bob legally adopted both of us, he's truly an angel on earth.
I think that's what attracted Teddy to Nick, her boyfriend. He reminds me a lot of Bob, selflessly kind and uniquely genuine. She met him two years ago while she was working at the dinner and left her number on his check. Turns out he had a girlfriend at the time but she was a toxic bitch, broke up with her a few days later.
"Pheebs," she waves her hands out in front of my face. I blink my eyes a few times and my vision focuses back on her. I completely zoned out, I do that sometimes. "You alright?"
I run my hands through my hair to get the stray hairs out of my face, "Yeah, yeah. I'm good."
She goes to one of the booths to take a couple's order, they're an old couple that comes in almost everyday. Darcy and Eddie used to do the same thing. Since he died Darcy hasn't set foot in here, she can't bear to sit in a booth alone, which is why I take her home food sometimes. She'd always get banana foster french toast and a glass of sprite, gave her horrible stomach pain but she didn't seem to care.
She jots down their order on her pad of paper and sticks the ticket on the turntable in the window. She stumbles back over to me and rests her weight against her forearms that she rests on the counter.
"Taking out for Darcy today?" She mumbles out.
"No, nothing for her today."
The bell in the window rings and the plate of pancakes clangs against the laminate countertop.
Teddy groans out a sigh and grabs the plate and sets it in front of me along with a syrup dispenser. "Need anything else?"
"Yeah, I need you to take a break. You've been on your feet all day, you need to sit down. It's not rush yet, I'm sure John won't mind if you take a break," I say before shouting, "Right John? Teddy needs to take a break right?"
"Ted, sit down." A bellowing shout comes from the other side of the window.
She laughs shallowly as she hobbles around the counter to sit in the stool next to me. She rubs her eyes and props her head up on her hands as her elbows rest on the counter. "You're here earlier today, it's only four," she gasps out with her lack of breath.
"Yeah, Dee kicked me out early today." I say as an idea pops in my head. "Hey John, who's waiting later?"
His head pops up in the window, "Giana and Grace."
That's what I was hoping for, Giana and Grace are his sisters. They're all Tiffany's children, she retired a few years ago and now they run it. Like I said, this tiny town is composed completely of family run businesses.
"Ted, you can leave as soon as they get here," he adds.
She lifts her head from her hands to protest, "But I was supposed to close."
"Teddy if you don't leave I'm going to fire you. You're working yourself to death." He yells through the window as he waves his finger at her.
I know she needs the money but I agree with John, she's wearing herself thin. She needs to relax, she's putting herself through the ringer. "Theodora Rose," I chastise her, "You need to let yourself rest."
She agrees reluctantly and takes a fork and starts to eat my pancakes, this is exactly why I got two. I don't think she realizes but every time I get food now I always order more than I can eat because I know she's going to end up eating most of it.
I finish it and pay my bill. I put my coat on and wait with Teddy for one of Tiff's kin to relieve her. Giana ends up coming first, she crouches down and talks to Teddy's belly. She says the same thing everyone else has been saying, "Your mama is a hard worker, she loves you so much she's going to work herself to death."
Teddy laughs apathetically and puts her coat on. We walk out arm in arm into the rain. I decided that tonight I was going to have a night in with Teddy and Nick. I live with them during the week and then visit Bob on the weekends usually, but today I think I need to be with Teddy. As we left Tiff's, she insisted we go borrow a record from the local music store.
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