i check my phone to see the time once again, and it flashes "" brightly. this is the fifth time i've checked my phone in the past minute, and i know i should stop delaying and start moving, but i can't seem to get past your front door.

i stare at your door knob, hesitating to touch it. i know the house is unlocked -- you never worried much about being robbed, you said you'd already lost all that mattered to you -- and i know i can walk in right this moment, but my hands are shaking and i can't get myself to come in.

but i need to see you and i need to talk to you. so i take a couple of deep breaths and gather what little bit of courage and hope i have left, and open your door.

the house is dark, but candles are still burning, and in that way i know you're still awake. i make my way to your bedroom, hoping to find you there. but when i do enter your room, i almost burst out in tears at what i see.

you're sitting in a chair and staring out at the window, holding a pen in one hand and a crumpled piece of paper in the other. a full bottle of alcohol remains untouched on the ground next to your feet, and a picture of us lies next to it, torn in two pieces.

you look up at me with your dim and despairing eyes, seeming both surprised and confused at my arrival. i stare at you, not knowing what to say, and silence screams in the room for moments that seem to last for years.

finally you decide to speak, and the words come out hoarsely and tiredly from your mouth. "what are you doing here?" you ask quietly.

i inhale a large gasp of clean air, breathing in the aromas of the dozens of candles that are lighted in this room before walking closer to you. i come to your chair and kneel down next to you, being careful not to touch you.

"i'm here because ..." the words come out slowly as i struggle to find the right thing to say. i had a speech memorized in my mind, but seeing you now has made me completely forget all the words i'd recited over and over again. still, i try and tell you how i feel.

"i'm here because i love you. i'm here because i am so sorry for hurting you. darling, i know i shattered you to pieces but i need you to know that i never meant to hurt you, i never meant to break you. i was just so damn afraid of getting hurt myself that i ran away from it all, hoping to find happiness without risking the pain. but in all this time i've realized that without you by my side, i can't ever be happy, i can't ever be content. and i know, god, i know, you still love me, and i don't know if you forgive me but i need you to. i need you to know that i want this to work, i want to try again, i want you. darling, i don't know if it will work out between the two of us, but i've decided you're worth the risk of getting hurt. so please just tell me that i'm worth the risk too, so that we can start all over, start anew. you are my everything, you are my world, and i would do anything to make you happy, i would do anything to be yours. please take me back, my love, and let's try again. i love you."

minutes pass before you reply, and as i wait for your response, i have to wipe off the tears that have escaped my eyes. you look so broken and confused, and all i can think is that i absolutely loathe myself for doing this to you, for making you into such a mess. regret and pain fill me and i wish there was some way to take back what i did, but i know there's no turning back now. all i can hope for is that you love me enough to not give up on me.

when you reply, your words are slow, deliberate, shaky. "i can't," you whisper, uttering the words that break my heart. "i can't get hurt again. what you did, it ruined me. i can't risk letting you break me again like that. please leave."

i look at you, heartbroken and agonized, and i move closer to you, sobbing softly as i hold your face in my hands. you don't look back into my eyes as i plead to you. "please," i beg you. "please don't do this. i can't survive without you, and i know i made a horrible mistake but i need you. please, don't you love me?"

you begin to cry and it feels as if a knife has pierced my heart as i watch the boy that i'd fallen so head over heels in love with fall apart in front of my eyes. your shaggy coal hair falls on top of your lifeless jade eyes and tears spill down your blemished skin. "leave," you tell me, refusing to look at me. "leave and don't ever come back."

i kiss your forehead and your cheeks and you close your eyes at the touch of my lips. i'm crying and for a few moments we hold each other in our arms, crying into each others fading hearts. then slowly, i stand up, wiping the tears off your face and off mine. you stare back at the window, and all i can think is that you look just as broken as i feel.

"i'm sorry," i whisper one last time, trying to keep myself standing even though everything inside of me is falling apart. i turn around and start to walk towards your door, counting each candle on the ground as i make my way out.

i count fourteen candles before your hand on my shoulder stops me in my tracks. i turn around, and you're standing in front of me with the most tormented expression a man could ever hold. you are exhausted, weary, tragic, and in this moment i know that you and i will never be the same.

"how many times will we keep doing this to ourselves?" you ask me, shaking your head, seeming as if you've surrendered to a great battle.

i bite my lip, still crying. "i don't know," i tell you honestly.

"i don't trust you," you tell me. "i think you'll just hurt me again." your words are harsh but i deserve it. i know i do.

but you don't seem to realize how much i love you and how much i wish i could take it all back. it hurts so damn much that you can't understand how i feel, and i don't know what else to say to you. "do you want to be with me or not?" i ask.

you don't respond and instead, kiss me softly. i can taste your tears and the brokenness of your soul, of your heart. i get lost in your kiss and it feels soft at first but then it becomes urgent, and you kiss me like i'm air and you're suffocating. you kiss me for a long time before you pull away, and then you shake your head, staring at the ground.

"leave," you say quietly one last time.

feeling as if my whole world is crashing to the ground, i turn around, and leave.