confession, my body's been buzzing from an insurmountable high. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.

Now that I had a word for this feeling I haven't been able to describe in these past few months, I couldn't stop using it. I've claimed that I've loved 3 before him, but was I being honest? Did I really love them as much as I loved Atlas?

No, I loved Atlas in the way that the sea reached for the shore; I loved him the way the moon ached for the stars; I loved him more than the world had enough room for.

Love is an intense feeling of deep affection. It's the scary thing that creeps on you when you're least expecting it. It's the feeling that you have for a person that's so strong; so magnificent that your chest aches when you're away from them. A love so cosmic, so colossal, that the smile you've tried to wipe off your face at the thought of them will never budge.

All the times I spent with my head against his chest and all the time I spent with his lips pressed against my neck was building this weight in my chest. I didn't know it at the time, but this was what it was: Love.

And right now, as I watched him from the driver's seat of the car, his eyes shielded by a pair of sunglasses, his curls falling loosely around his forehead, a half-smile pulling at the edge of his lips, I knew it then like I knew it yesterday. I loved him.

He glanced at me as soon as I realized I was staring. With my cheeks burning a bright shade of red, I quickly looked away just for him to pull my gaze back to his with his fingers gently wrapped around my chin. He glanced back at the road for a moment before meeting my eyes again. "Don't look away from me, please."

The smile that tugged at his lips and the faint blush that tinted his slightly burnt cheeks was precious, it was everything in the world to me.

"Mhm, okay." I nodded, heat racing up my cheeks, but my gaze held steady on his. He winked at me before turning back to the road. As he drove, I brought his hand down and threaded my fingers through his. I laid my head down on the rest and watched him as he drove in silence.

When I was younger, I used to be scared of the dark and the stifling quiet. I used to dread going to sleep alone because of the monsters under my bed or the tree trying to climb in through my window. I slept every night with a white noise machine and a night light plugged in next to me.

Even now, I hate going to bed alone or hate sleeping when it's completely quiet. Now, I realize that maybe the quiet isn't so scary if you're with a person who makes it all easier. Maybe the dark isn't so bad if your hand is in the hold of someone you love.

I was meeting Ethan alone today. We were going to meet for brunch at a favorite restaurant of his. When I expected a text from him saying something nice like he couldn't wait to see me or that he'd talk to me soon, he didn't. A simple goodbye was all I got.

It didn't seem like that big of a deal, I know, but it is to me. Was his cold and distant behavior what our relationship has come to? Were our years of estrangement the cause of this? The lack of affection, the lack of fondness in his words was what made me want to curl up in this car and not meet him in that restaurant.

Atlas's hand squeezed mine and when I looked up, I realized we were parked. I sucked in a deep breath and stared out the window. I couldn't see him, but he was in there, I knew it. He was never late.

"You'll be okay, mi paraíso." He said, reaching out his other hand to brush a strand of hair behind my ear. He curled his finger around the end of my hair before letting his hand fall to my bare knee. My breath hitched, hopefully noticeably.

I nodded, swallowing all the nervous energy fluttering in my chest and rising up my throat. Mi paraíso– even if I had no idea what it meant (my something)--and the warm smile was all it took. Where was he my whole life?

"I'll be okay," I smiled, meeting his eyes and begging him for a kiss.

His smile stretched a bit and he pulled me closer. His nose brushed mine and his lips hovered too close yet not close enough to mine. And when finally, finally, his lips pressed against mine, I was reeling.

"I'll pick you up whenever you need me to, okay?" He asked, his lips were now pressed against my forehead. I nodded and then it was time to pull away, time to step out of the car, time to wave goodbye.

I smoothed down the bottom of my dress and sucked in a stabilizing breath. When I walked in, his eyes seemed to already be searching for me in the empty cafe. He stood up and I breathed a smile onto my face and made my way towards him.

"Hi," I said when I was finally in front of him. He smiled, his shoulders loosening a fraction. The jittery feeling in my hands was calming and I was breathing. "Hey, it's good to see you, Ede."

We'd be okay.

When we sat down, ordered our food, and we'd gotten past the superficial small talk, Ethan stared at me for a long time. I pretended not to notice as I fidgeted with my rings, the smooth porcelain of my cup, and the crumbs I had dropped on the table. He seemed to find this funny because after a few minutes of this, he laughs– the same laugh he used to have when we were younger, soft and breathy.

I glanced up at him, an ache reverberating deep in my chest with the laugh that echoed around us. I missed this even if it wasn't anything at all like what we used to do. We used to scale walls and jump over fences to get closer to the water; we used to lay down on the roof during the summer and eat buckets of ice cream until we were sick; we used to tell each other every stupid little thing we wanted to do when we were older.

Ethan seemed to catch the way my face fell and when he asked me to look at him, I did. His eyes were just like they were when we were younger. He stared at me for a moment, piecing something together in his head and messily racking his fingers through his messy hair. He finally sat up in his seat and threaded his fingers together in front of him. He seemed to find that too lacking personality so he dropped his chin in his hands instead, his elbows on the table.

His eyes blinked attentively at me, "I know this is long overdue, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that instead of being there for you and healing together, I decided to run away from my problems. That was unfair to you, to Mom and Dad, and to Lydia and I hate every second of it, believe me."

A sob was buried in my throat and my eyes welled with tears. Every moment we spent together, I cherished. I didn't have friends and when he started to treat me like a sister, I loved that. Now, I felt like I was reliving every worst moment between us. The years we spent apart, the moment I found him in his blood, alone, the time I laid on the floor in his blood, the night I washed all of his blood out of my hair. I pressed my hands to my cheeks in a weak attempt to slow the tears.

"Then why didn't you come back?" I managed to whisper after a long silence.

He blinked at me, picking his head up and dropping his hands in his lap. "God, Eden, I thought about going back every day. I missed you and I missed Lydia. I missed my life back there, but I also hated the thought of going back to that stupid cycle I was stuck in. I hated the idea of having to go back to that house with Mom and Dad always fighting and going to school and sitting in a corner and coming back home just to not eat and lock myself in my room. I needed help. I needed a new normal, a healthier one."

"Why didn't you just say that?!" I blurted out, the tears in my eyes now freely flowing and my cheeks were burning from how embarrassing it was that I was crying in a restaurant yet again.

Ethan looked at me, the eye contact between us unbreakable. If there was one thing that changed in him, it was that. Before, four, five years ago, he'd never make eye contact with anybody for more than two seconds. Right now, I knew he was right, he needed to get away from home. He needed to meet new people and learn how to be happy alone.

That's why I wasn't mad.

He needed to get away from us, get away from the loop he was stuck in. He needed to breathe and I knew how suffocating living at home was like. I should be happy that he got out and I am. I just wished he trusted me enough to let me know what he was thinking. Instead, he couldn't even look at me.

"I don't know why I didn't tell you, Eden." He breathed. I could see him wringing his hands together under the table. It was what I did when I was nervous. It was something we got from Mom.

"I thought about picking up the phone and asking to talk to you every day, but I knew you were mad at me. I knew that it was best if I just stayed away from you until I was ready to face it. Until I was ready to own up to how shitty of a brother I am."

After this, he waits.

I stayed like that for a long time, watching him watch me. His face was clear and healthier and I could see how easy it would be for him to smile. Before, with just one look at his face, I knew how hard of a job it would be to get him to even crack a half-smile.

My mind wandered to Atlas and the reluctance in every smile he aimed at people— at me.

I sucked in a breath, "I wasn't mad at you for even a second, Ethan. You could've called and I would've been happy that you were even thinking of me." My bottom lip trembled.

Ethan's face blanched for a moment and I watched him stand up and move his chair so that it was less than a foot away from me. He faced me and took my hands in his. He was warm unlike how he used to be. "I don't want you to ever think that I wasn't thinking about you, okay? I thought about you every day. I talked about you to whoever would listen, I kept an eye out on Mom's Facebook to catch glimpses of you and Lydia, I stalked your Instagram just to feel like I still knew some part of you. Eden, I'm still your brother and I don't care if this isn't what you're used to hearing from me, but I love you, okay? You're my blood and my twin, my other half. It would be impossible for me to forget you."

My shoulders fell and then I was crying. Ethan pulled me to him and let me cry into his shoulder, his arms wrapped around me, warm and not at all cold and lifeless like they used to be. He was better and that was all that mattered.

He brushed my hair back and let out a small laugh in my ear, "You cry in restaurants often?"

A laugh escaped my lips before I knew it and I pulled back, wiping away the tears still wet on my cheeks. "You have no idea," I smiled, running my fingers through my hair, an excuse to break the eye contact we were holding.

Ethan laughed and I smiled at him, happy that I had some type of a family back.

We fell back into a small conversation. Ethan asked hundreds of questions about what I was doing, what I wanted to do, how Lydia is, and what she's like. He almost snorted coffee out of his nose when I told him that she's grown up to be a little brat. He asked about Leah and Julia and I didn't give him much since there wasn't much to say. He asked about the places we've been to so far and I talked on and on about what England was like and how beautiful Spain and The Netherlands were.

I asked him about Renee and was super excited to hear that they got married less than a year ago, but haven't had the wedding yet. When I asked him why, he had said that Renee wanted to wait until her whole family could make it.

A text message pulled me away from our conversation and I glanced down at my phone. It was a text message from Leah saying that Dawson got into a tiny skateboarding accident and that they're going to see if he needs to go to the hospital. Afterward, she writes:

He's laughing so that must be a good sign??

Alarmed, I quickly type back a reply.

Or he's got a concussion??!??

"Everything alright?" Ethan asks and I quickly look up, nodding urgently. "Yeah, yeah. I think so. Dawson got into a little skateboarding accident. Leah just texted me."

Ethan's eyebrows rise, "Is he okay?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. Leah thinks it's a good sign that he's laughing."

Ethan frowned, a small laugh escaping his lips, "Or he might have a concussion." I met his eyes, a laugh falling from my lips too. "Yeah, that's what I told her."

I tucked my phone back in my pocket and smiled as I plucked at the tag of my teabag. Ethan's leg was still as mine bounced under the table. "Wanna get going then? You guys are leaving tonight, right?"

I nodded. I didn't want to because now that we've had our first conversations in four years, I didn't want it to end. At my hesitation, Ethan cracked a smile and reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. He offered it to me, "You better call me every day,"

I rolled my eyes and snatched the phone from his hand nonetheless. "You're starting to sound like Dad."

Ethan's eyes widened and he let out a strangled laugh, "God forbid," I laughed at that.

When Ethan paid the bill and we walked out of the cafe and walked up and down the street as we waited for Atlas to come and pick me up, it was good. Every moment, every laugh, every "Remember when..." was just right. I didn't want it to end, but it did.

Atlas parked a few feet behind us and as I watched him step out of the car, the smile that radiated off me seemed to spread to his face. He brought down his sunglasses from his head and put them on, making his way towards us.

Ethan laughed softly next to me, "You love him?" My eyes met his, obviously surprised. Was it that obvious?

My cheeks burned red and when I nodded, Ethan nodded, a soft smile on his lips. "Good," He said, "It's good that you're happy."

My smile tripled at his words and when Atlas reached us and threaded his fingers through mine, my heart seemed to skip a few beats. "Hi," He breathed and Ethan smiled at him.

"Hi," I smiled up at him. His eyes moved to Ethan's and he offered him his hand, "Nice to finally meet you."

Ethan took his hand and shook it, his lips pulled into a teasing smile, "Treating my sister okay?"

And when Atlas looked over at me, a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips, a fluttery feeling erupted in my stomach. His hand squeezed mine and he pressed his lips to my head. "I hope so,"

I tried to think of anything else, but all I could hear was Atlas,

Atlas,

Atlas,

Atlas.

WOW ive been gone a long time. im sorry. ive been having mental breakdowns on the daily. i wish i was joking.

anyways, this chapter was cute. im completely butt-crazy in love with ethan even though he's married rip.

also more news, im in love with yet another boy. fuck my life ahaha

ALSO THANK YOU FOR 111K READS THAT'S SO CRAZY I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO MUCH. STAY AMAZING. LOVE U TO THE MOON AND BACKKK