Chapter 46 | BUT I LOVE HIM

By the time the sun is rising, I'm walking to the trail that leads out of the village. I'm not sure if Vaughn will be there or not yet, but if he isn't, I'm bound to meet him at some point along the way.

As I trudge along on the snowy pathway, I'm grateful I remembered to use the hand and feet warmers. They're heavenly, in all honesty.

I keep my head lifted, continuously glancing in every direction to stay aware of my surroundings.

Before I came here, I had a habit of always looking at the ground when I walked, to avoid any unnecessary eye contact. But after that wolf pack attack, I no longer allow myself to risk another.

Eventually, though, I see Vaughn through the trees, and quickly jog to meet him. "Good morning," I say happily.

"Morning, Mikaere. Would you like me to carry that?" He nods to my bag as we start heading back in the direction of the cabin, and I consider it for a split second, then decide against it.

"No, it's okay, it's not that heavy. Thanks, though."

He nods, and so before we descend into silence, I decide to tell him about Hayley and William.

"So, do you remember what John wrote to me in his last letter?"

"About?"

"About finding the two people who remind me most of my parents, and they'd lead me to you?"

"Yes. Nina and Henry."

"No," I reply, and he looks to his left at me, visibly confused.

"No?"

"There's a couple who visit the village that reminded me of my parents. Mainly because of their, I don't know, just their posture and interactions with their daughter and everything. So, I ended up talking to them, and it turns out they were actually excellent friends with John. We had breakfast recently, and they told me stories about him when he was here. I think... I think they were who John was actually talking about."

"Why haven't you spoken to them before?"

"They moved to Palmer years ago, but they still visit the village because the woman's mother lives here."

"How do you feel about this?"

I consider his question for a second. "I'm not really sure. I mean, if I hadn't met Henry and Nina, I wouldn't be so wrapped up in their situation and their niece's disappearance. I just, I don't know. For some reason, I feel like a fraud when I stay there now. Like, I know something they don't, and trusting them less makes me feel guilty, especially after all they've done for me."

He nods, listening patiently before I almost run into a branch. He quickly reaches his left hand over to my left side, grabbing my hip firmly and guiding me away from the thing before I can become female Thor.

I laugh awkwardly, feeling a blush rise as he releases me once I'm out of harm's way, embarrassed that I'm so clueless and clumsy when I'm around him. "Thanks."

He merely nods again, but I see the side of his mouth is slightly upturned, making my heart happy. I examine him for a few seconds, and we're both aware that I'm staring, but neither of us makes a move to point it out. His beard is once again growing out, but it's not like he looks terrible with it. I actually think he could pull off anything if he wanted to.

I think I could admire him all day, and I hate myself for it.

So, I quickly focus on our surroundings again, trying to shove the pleasant feeling of Vaughn's hand on me out of my mind. It seems like almost impaling myself could have its benefits.

"What's wrong?" I faintly hear him ask, and I snap my head up, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"You look...bothered." He sounds amused.

I do?

And why did he sound amused?

"I do?"

When I look at him, though, his face shows no sign of amusement. He simply raises an eyebrow at me, telling me to answer his question.

"Nothing's wrong," I assure him, deciding to change the subject, so I opt to tell him about yesterday's trip to the store.

And when I'm done, he only asks, "Sloth man?"

"Yeah, the guy who I waited forever for, but-"

"How old was he?" He asks nonchalantly.

"I don't know, maybe fifty? He smelled and sounded gross," I reply, before simply elaborating, "Smoker."

He acknowledges my reply with a nod, but his expression gives away nothing as to what he's thinking.

My mind flashes back to the situation with the Mick guy all of a sudden, and I feel the curiosity rising within me again.

"Vaughn?"

"Hm?"

"You never told me what you said to that creepy, Mick guy."

He's silent for a second. Then: "Mikaere, that's because I told you I didn't say anything to him."

"And we both know that's a lie."

He sighs through his nose, as usual. "You aren't going to quit asking, are you?"

"What do you think?" I smile lightly, knowing I'm annoying him.

I almost feel bad about it, but my curiosity takes control of any guilt that I have. Oh well.

He takes a deep breath, fiddling with his fingers. "...I told him that if he didn't stop looking and speaking to you like that, I would ensure his wife knew."

"He was married?" I ask, disturbed.

"Yes, Mikaere."

"How'd you know?"

"I've seen him and his wife together on previous trips here. And he was wearing a ring."

Oh, that's right. Vaughn's really observant, and I am not.

"Huh, didn't notice."

Yeah, Mikaere, you only stare at one man's hands.

I shake my head, causing Vaughn to glance at me oddly. So, I quickly ask: "Was that all you told creepy guy?"

He looks away, quickly muttering a hesitant, "...Yes."

He's lying, I'm pretty sure. However, I won't push him to tell me what else he said, even if I'm dying to know.

But, I will ask him a different question.

"Why did you smirk?"

He looks at me, seeming surprised that I would ask him that outright.

"When?"

"When I asked the guy what he wanted, and he replied, you smirked."

There's nothing but the sound of boots on snow as he thinks of how to reply.

"You want to know the truth," he states, and I internally roll my eyes.

That would be nice, yes.

"Yeah."

"Fine," he pauses, then, looking directly at me, states: "I thought that he and his efforts were entirely pathetic, and the fact that he considered himself worthy of you...entertained me."

I, to my utter despair, feel myself going somewhat red, so I just nod, looking away from his discerning eyes as I keep walking.

As he resumes walking alongside me, though, he surprises me slightly when he lowly asks, "Do you have any more questions?"

If his voice isn't heaven, I don't know what is.

I merely shake my head, allowing us to fall into silence, not trusting to open my mouth.

I'm just...confused by what he said.

The fact that he considered himself worthy of you.

Entertained me.

Frankly, I've never really thought of myself as pretty or anything like that. Sure, I would get complimented on sometimes, but it would only ever be from older, creepy men or sweet, older women who reminded me of those caring grandmothers I always saw on tv.

But Vaughn insinuating I'm a pretty girl?

I know it shouldn't, but it makes me feel flattered, happy even.

We're quiet for a few minutes until he speaks up, "Mikaere?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you mean what you said?"

He asks it quietly, as usual, and only after he's finished asking do I register what he said. "About?"

"About my family only being relieved to have me back?"

I think back to what I told him weeks ago when we were cooking, right after he got done opening up a bit about staying and leaving the cabin.

He said something like, 'the longer I'm away from home, the more unforgivable it seems that I left in the first place.'

And I told him I thought his family would just be relieved to have him back.

"Yeah," I answer. "I stand by what I said."

"But I left for eight years, Mikaere. For something that was my fault. How can they forgive me for that?"

"Love."

He looks at me, "What?"

"Love is a driving motivation to forgive someone. If they still love you, which I don't know how eight years could change that, they'll forgive you, Vaughn."

And now it's his turn to stare. Except unlike his ability to ignore my staring, I find it really hard to ignore his observant eyes on me.

So, I simply try my best to direct all my attention to the sticks that look like they could potentially impale me until he looks away.

We don't talk about much else for the rest of the walk.

When we get back to the cabin, I quickly kneel down on the snowy ground as Moose comes bounding over. I wrap my arms around the gentle giant as he tries to lick me, causing me to laugh at his sweet antics.

"I got him some more marshmallows," I hear Vaughn tell me. "And carrots."

I smile, remembering when Vaughn first told me about how Moose also likes the orange vegetable. 'Marshmallows and carrots are his favorite foods,' he said. 'He would take them over meat any time.'

What a strange dog.

But I love him.

Standing up, I make my way inside the cabin, Vaughn trailing behind me. As soon as I smell the familiar scents of the cabin, and see the fireplace lightly glowing, I feel myself relax.

I'm here.

And here's safe.

Vaughn immediately sets to work on cooking something, so I make my way over to see if he needs help.

By the time we're done with the food, I'm feeling like a nap.

I'm exhausted, and I'm going to blame it on the fact I didn't get my usual ten or so hours of sleep.

But once I'm no longer here in Alaska, it will go back to being the usual five to seven hours per night, I'm sure.

I quickly brush my teeth and whatnot, getting ready for bed just in case the nap turns out to be goodnight. Lying down on the cot, I opt to take advantage of the current situation and try to rest.

When I wake up, the first thing I see is Vaughn writing in his journal by lantern light. I rise, leaning on my right forearm.

The second thing I see is the warm, cozy glow of the fireplace, illuminating in the otherwise cold darkness.

I can't really process anything at the moment since my brain is only now starting up again. It will, unfortunately, take a minute to actually begin to wake up and function properly.

I'm aware that I feel a bit thirsty.

Scratch that, very thirsty.

But since I really am too tired to move, I'll have to deal with it.

And, I'm aware that I also feel tired, and I probably look tired, so I'm really not surprised when I hear him ask about it.

"How much sleep do you get in town?"

"Um...not enough, I think," I mumble tiredly, laying back down again.

He sighs through his nose lightly, "Do you want anything before you fall back asleep for the night?"

"Water, please. I feel like SpongeBob when he comes out of the ocean," I mutter, closing my eyes as I hear him rise from the futon.

I hate that I didn't take a sauna and rinse off tonight, but it's not like it will kill me. Plus, how bad can my skin get overnight? I'm sure it will be fine.

Or at least that's what I have to tell myself to keep from worrying, at least.

Pretty soon, he comes over with a glass of water, and I tiredly sit up, aware that my hair's most likely all tangled.

He places the cup in my hands, but he helps gently guide the glass as I drink as soon as he sees that I can barely keep my eyes open for longer than a second.

It's considerate of him, but that doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel like a child.

After I've guzzled down all of it, I sleepily mumble a, 'thank you' before lying down once again and closing my eyes.

And before I hear him walk off, I feel a bit of hair being tucked behind my left ear.

"Night, Vaughn," I say quietly, too tired to focus on his little gesture.

"Night, Mikaere."