"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry" I cried as she did. We had both lost him, we had both known the pain, the despair, we had both understood that now we needed to somehow move on without him, and that was going to be an enormous challenge.

8 days later, I sat beside Valentina, her fiancé Ferdinand and Dawson's immediate family in the front row of the local church, voices hushing before the service began.

It was a small service, organised neatly by Valentina in accordance to what she believed he'd have wanted. Naturally, the department had wanted a large service, but I'd overheard Isaia and Valentina discuss that it hadn't of been something Dawson had wanted, so they'd worked together to ensure it was kept quiet and small.

I felt numb, broken. Half of what had been said was heard as dull, annoying white noise, I couldn't concentrate on anything apart from the fact that I'd lost him. He was gone, and I was going to need to rebuild without him.

With my dad, I had found time to process the idea of losing him, those thoughts were difficult within themselves, but when it came to losing someone so quickly, so unexpectedly, in your arms in such a violent way, it was almost completely impossible to come to terms with. All I could do was blame myself, wish that I had done something differently that would have saved him, all I could do was question my own actions.

It would take a long, long time to find it in myself to forgive myself for what had happened, just like it would with what had happened to Tony. I was in the centre of all of the loss, and yet I was the one who remained standing, breathing. It hardly seemed fair.

Standing inside my kitchen, freshly showered and rid of my dark sorrowful funeral attire, I continued packing my belongings into the various boxes scattered across my apartment.

I jumped when a small knock sounded on my door, sighing when I saw Camille standing outside the peephole.

"Jasmine" She breathed the moment I opened the door, her arms embracing me tightly, holding me together

"I'm okay" I told her, her eyes looking over my features when she pulled back

"Packing?" She turned her attention to my disarray living conditions, laying her jacket down on the back of the couch

I nodded with a sigh "Most of it is done, removalists will be here in the morning"

"How are you feeling about it?" She began helping me pack the last of my kitchen utensils

I shrugged "Excited, nervous, a bit of everything.. thanks again Camille, it really does mean a lot for you pulling the strings you did"

"It's no problem, Rich has been trying to find a tenant for that house for a few months anyways, he was more than happy to have you there" She smiled, her eyes soft as she watched me carefully

Camille's father in law - Richard - was a realtor, he had a 2 bedroom home between the city and Hartley conveniently up for rent. I jumped on the opportunity, eager to leave my haunted apartment in hopes of starting new. It would be a longer drive from the city, from work and from school, but I hoped that it would be worth it in return for having a little more country in my backyard. Hartley held so much more importance to me now than it ever had before, I needed to be closer to it, I felt closer to him when I was there.

"Okay so I gotta ask, what is that smell?" I changed tone, scrunching my nose up "Are you wearing men's cologne?" I moved closer towards her, sniffing the air

She paused, narrowing her eyes on me "Okay then, what super hero powers have you picked up?" She scoffed "Byron was getting ready for work when I left home, he sprayed his cologne on right before I hugged him to leave, must have stuck to me" She began pulling at her clothing, sniffing it "It's so faint, how did you even smell that?" She shook her head as I shrugged

"So Miss super sniffer, how do you feel about pizza, my shout, I'll order it to the door, we can watch a movie, I'll help you with the rest of this.." She changed tone, slumping down on the couch with her phone between her fingers

I smiled, genuinely appreciative for having her, for having the support "Sounds good"

"Perfect" She sang, dialling a number into her phone before pressing it to her ear.

Camille was a breathe of fresh air. She knew how to make me smile, she knew what to say to make me feel better, having Camille with me in such a dark time was a godsend.

For hours, as night progressed, we spent our time packing boxes and watching movies until my apartment was entirely empty, ready for the next morning. I was excited about change, I was looking forward to moving ahead, putting the past behind me for a fresh start.

Like the true boss Camille was, she had called in sick for work for the next day and informed Byron that instead of heading home, she would be staying with me, helping me move. I tried to protest it, uninterested in being babysat, but she had insisted, and for once, I wasn't so unhappy about it.

We had both slept on the couch and my sleep had gone undisturbed thanks to the tablets I had once again been prescribed.

6am I had gotten up, rising with the sun, unable to sleep anymore despite tossing and turning for an hour beforehand. Moving to the bathroom, I felt a sudden sickness inside my stomach rise, again, the taste of my own saliva making me feel nauseated. Rushing to the toilet bowl, I had only just made it in time to throw up, confused by the continuous sick feeling inside of me. It wasn't like my body to react the way it was, I hadn't ever felt the urge to throw up in all of the loss I had felt before, this was different.

After my urges stopped, I sat in the toilet lid, wiping my face with a cold washer. It was ironic that the moment I released what was inside of my stomach, it would growl out in hunger. I was frustrated with how my body was betraying itself.

Sighing, I stood, draping the washer over the faucet to dry, and that's when my eyes roamed over the small singular blue box sitting on the empty shelf beside my fingers. I flinched, reaching out for the item as my mind kicked into overdrive. As I began to make calculations inside my head, organising the weeks, the timing, the fact that I had missed a cycle, I began to panic. My hands were trembling, my thoughts racing, and when a knock sounded on the door, I jumped, caught off guard

"You okay in there?" Camille called

"Yep, I'm good" I rushed back out, stuffing the box of feminine hygiene products back on the shelf, composing myself before exiting.

The next few weeks consisted of organising and attempting to get my life back into a routine. I had successfully moved into my new home, enjoying every moment of it. It was a perfect little brick house, cosy and surrounded by large trees on a neat little 800 square meter block.

Every morning I watched the sun rise as I sat with my coffee on the front porch, grateful for the weather, grateful for the view. I felt a sense of peace that I hadn't felt before and with Monday morning nearing, I felt ready to begin my new chapter, returning to school, returning to work, returning to life, with a little something extra to look forward to.

"Hey you" June approached the porch, a small smile in place

"Hey" I replied, blowing the steam off of my coffee, my legs pulled up to my chest, a blanket over my bottom half.

June had since been a regular face in my life, finding time to always drop by, bring me dinner and make a solid effort to spend time with me, ensuring I was moving forward with life. I valued her deeply and appreciated her more than she knew.

She leaned on the pillar of the porch in front of me, her eyes on mine "How are you doing?"

I shrugged "I'm alright"

I tried to hide my nervousness, but I knew that sooner or later I was going to have to tell her. I myself had come to terms with the news, so now it was time for those around me to know.

Her eyebrows were drawn together in the middle, her hands buried in her jacket, the gun and badge on her hip giving me a quick rush of flashbacks.

"So, I wanted to show you something.." I told her, placing my mug down as I stood, my hand in my cardigan pocket "You've been amazing since.. since everything happened.." I began "You've been here for me through everything and I want you to know how much I value that"

A small smile grew on her lips "I know that Jas, what's going on, you're making me nervous.."

It was rare to see her jittery, I couldn't help but smile "I wanted to tell you earlier, but I just needed time.."

"Jasmine, what's going on?" June pulled her hands from her pockets, placing them on my shoulders, unsure

Fidgeting with the edge of the photo inside my pocket, I looked down, my heart hammering inside my chest. Only Camille had known of my news, with me when I had discovered the truth a few nights after Dawson's funeral.

Sighing, June's eyes glued to mine, I pulled the photo from its safe and hidden place, stepping back so her hands fell from me. With trembling hands, I held it out towards her, her eyes flicking down to the square thick paper before taking it

"What's this?" She mumbled, holding it to her eyes, realisation of what it was quick, obvious

She was quiet, her lips parted and her gaze wide, she hadn't been expecting it, and she hadn't been the only one

"Jasmine.." her voice was almost silent "what is.. what is this?"

I couldn't speak, my mind a whirl of thoughts, my fingers returning to my pockets, shaking. I watched her carefully, forcing back my emotions.

"Jasmine" she repeated softly, leaning against the pillar again to brace the shock. Her hand was over her mouth, her eyes finally reaching mine "I don't.. I don't understand.."

I cleared my throat and sat back down on the chair behind me "Turns out he wasn't quite ready to leave me entirely, so he gave me.. that.." I tried to explain

Her hand remained over her mouth, her fingers lightly shaking "Dawson's" she pieced it together "how.. I mean.. I know how, but.. wow" she seemed more surprised than I had thought she'd be.

Her and Dawson hadn't ever been close, in fact they seemed to share the same disdain for one another.

Looking between the photo and me, she blew out a long breath and sat on the chair beside me, her body turned in my direction

"How far?"

"13 weeks.. I had this done last week" I pointed to the grainy black and white photograph of mine and Dawson's baby, a perfect profile of the head, nose, and lips

"I'm in shock, I just.. I wasn't expecting this you know?" She leaned back, unable to stop herself from looking between me and the scan

"I knew you'd be surprised, but.. you seem more affected than I thought you'd be" I told her, relieved she finally knew about what was to come

Suddenly it was as though a switch flicked. She placed the photo down and looked up at me with a wide eyed smile "Congratulations Jasmine, it's.. it's wonderful news" she told me, something about it forced and false

"What's going on June? You're acting.. weird.." I told her, a small part of me pained to see her falsifying an excited reaction

"Nothing, I'm happy for you, really, I am" she stood, continuing the charade

"June.." I too stood, eager to know why she was reacting the way she was "tell me what you're thinking"

"I should get to work" she began to back off, rushed "I'll call you later okay, I have court in an hour, I can't be late" she almost tripped down the stairs, fleeing my porch, still attempting to sound genuine

"June!" I called as she retreated, getting into her car

I stood motionless for a moment, shocked. Why had she reacted the way she had? Why was she not happy for the idea of Dawson leaving behind something to keep his memory alive? At first Camille had reacted the same way, but with her, it quickly turned to excitement, why was June acting as though I'd dropped a grenade on her lap?

I was confused, completely confused and it hadn't taken long for that confusion to turn into disappointment, ruining my mood, the tears flowing.