Chapter 13

"Please...." I begged, his body pinning me down once again. But not because I tried running and he tackled me. No, he was over me because it was time for us to go to sleep, the worst time of the day for me. His hand held my failing fighting wrist to the bed, keeping it out of the way. He grabbed my other wrist that he planned to cuff.

"I'm sorry," he breathed above me, looking deeply in my eyes with such sincerity.

I felt him press the metal of the handcuffs against my wrist again, an invitation to another night of horror. Before he could lock it around my wrist and leave me helpless once again, I thrashed under him, bucking up and trying to get him off of me and get away from what he was holding.

"No! No, you can't!" I screamed, trying to bend my knee and move it up, wanting to kick him or push him away. His legs over mine wouldn't allow it and he made sure too by pressing more of his body weight over me. He wasn't worried about me being able to physically dominate him, wasn't concerned about my current and pathetic attempt for escape - which was just me moving as much as I could under him. We both knew I wouldn't be able to get out of his reach again this time. I couldn't help it, couldn't keep myself from yelling and trying to fight.

It never hurt this bad before. I knew this was going to be my worst night of the withdrawal. I was shaking since the middle of the afternoon, I couldn't keep any food down, and I was in a constant sweat. But that wasn't including my internal pain. At the worst points today, I was on fire, burning alive within my own skin. With no escape and it left me shrieking in pain. I never, in my life, felt such a pain. Clare's beatings could go under the category of 'kid's play' because this couldn't be described without saying I was sure I was going to die.

Luke tried his hardest all day to keep me distracted. By admitting to me some embarrassing things about him, telling me some dirty jokes, and even resulting in some of the faults he saw in Clare but they were very small faults - he wouldn't dare go against her to the extreme, even if it helped me feel better. I don't think it would have anyway because nothing he said to me helped. Sure, it kept my mind busy for a while, pondering over the jokes he said and reasons for his blush at telling me embarrassing things about him. But always, in the back of my mind and chest, the burn was there. No matter how distracted I was, I could always feel it to some extent.

He didn't leave my room all day. He knew this was an important day and he wouldn't dare keep his gaze off me. It was Clare's day off and he even had her bring up dinner for me and other things like a few fans to keep me cool. That made me smile, surprisingly. It appeared as if she were his bitch for the day. I could at least imagine. He sat in that chair all day, droopy eyes just getting more and more tired and exhausted. The only time he would leave was to go to the bathroom so he had to handcuff me to the headboard for a few minutes. It wasn't long and I knew it. Every time he did it, he said he was sorry and he would be right back - and he was within two minutes, often bringing back a wet rag to help keep me cool as well. But those minutes seemed to stretch on and bring so much fear out of me that by the time he let me out of the cuffs and was back in the room, I either tried running again or threw up into the basket he brought in besides my bed. So just picture how I was feeling now with him trying to handcuff me for the rest of the night. If you think I'm dandy, you can shove it up your ass. Because I wasn't.

"I am very sorry," he said again. He could have finished the job any second and handcuffed my wrist to the bed by now, even as I was thrashing under him. He could. But he didn't yet. He was trying to get me to understand first. A flick of his hand would be all and I would be in hell again, trapped against my bed. But not yet. My eyes watched it, waited for the terrible metal claws to lock me here. "I am going to handcuff you, Albany," he said quietly, his face right above mine in a whisper, his body not giving me a chance to move anymore. "Just get through tonight. This was your worst day of withdrawal and tonight will be your worst night. But by tomorrow and forever after that, it will be easier."

I knew he was right. I was almost finished with this shitty withdrawal and after tonight, it would get easier. This was the height, the climax of this suffocating situation. After this, after tonight, it would get better gradually.

But tonight was just beginning and the heat in me, longing for the sweet relief, took over all my willpower. Numerous times today, I would bolt for the door, even with him sitting right by me. Try, try, try. And it all ended in seconds before I even got to the door. He would pin me to my bed, tackle me to the floor, grab me and throw me back to the bed, block me.... He did all of that today to keep me here. Despite how tired and off guard I figured he would be, he was fast, strong, and ready. He wouldn't let me slip by him again after this morning.

It didn't matter to me though. I was going to die! Going to suffer and die if I didn't have it in my system and that felt like such an incredibly true fact. I knew it would happen, no matter what he said. No person could go through this hurt and live. Which is why I tried countless times, needing to at the very least give it some attempt.

But now, it was the worst moment in my life. The pain was something I wasn't going to, couldn't, get through. I was going to die and I was so sure of that. The fire was too strong, the feeling in my head overwhelming. Agony filled me and was released with screams. But it never stopped coming. Suffering to the full extent, the sickening realization came to me that Luke must be lying. He must be wrong because there was no way I could handle this, get through this!

"I will die!" I screamed up in his face that was no more than an inch away. And as I screamed, the only thing i could successfully do was wait. Wait for him to cuff me here and leave me to die.

His eyebrows dipped through my blurry vision, hurt on his face and so much sympathy. "You will not die. I promise you."

He didn't understand. The pain was just too much. Deep down, no matter how much it felt like I would die, I knew I would be okay. I would wake up in the morning. Somehow I would get through the pain like he promised. But he didn't know of what else would happen to me, internally. He wouldn't know the reason I was going to end up in tears tonight. Not from the pain, no matter how much it hurt; I could get through it and suffer with no tears. Tears would come from a much deeper pain.

My eyes flickered from his face to where his hand was, ready to move it down and lock my wrist under the cool material of my own hell. One of the two ratchets were already locked around one of the bars of my headboard. All that was left for him to do was my wrist. My breath was hard, panicked and I didn't even care if he knew I was scared and weak anymore. All that was racing in my mind was the knowledge that I needed drugs and that I might truly lose my mind if he handcuffed me.

"You can't promise!" I yelled in his face. "You don't know! You will never understand! Just don't do this, don't handcuff me!"

No matter how much my mind was focused on my situation, I couldn't help but notice that something happened to his eyes. They widened, lit up at my words and I recalled earlier my thoughts.

He helped me with so much since I have been home. Pretty easy on me, if you ask me. But the one thing he refused to do was give me an alternative option when it came to being handcuffed. Well, he pushed for the reason I needed to be handcuffed and if I didn't give him a good one, he would leave me handcuffed. I wasn't sure why, but he wanted desperately to know my reasoning behind not wanting to be handcuffed.

"Then tell me why," he pushed like before.

Yet... no matter if he saw this scared me, if he saw that this hit a nerve, I wouldn't tell him something that would make me lose my dignity. My whole life, I have been teased, accused of wanting attention. People coming up to me and asking me if they could see my self inflicted cuts; wanting to know why I wasn't in a mental hospital. I was an animal at the zoo.

I learned how to deal with it - and that I was stronger than anyone that looked at me that way. True, it wasn't their fault that they thought that I was insane. It was mine for being naive and listening to my mother. I took her very thoughtful offers on the way to the doctors office by the time I was three years old. But now, I knew better and saw the consequences. I have my dignity, my own sanity that was mine and mine only.

I had my self respect when nobody respected me. I have my dignity.

That's why I said what I did next to him. "I wont tell you anything. All I can do is hope you will take it to heart when you hear that I need you to not handcuff me and find another way. Please. I can't tell you why I can't be handcuffed! But can't you see that it hurts me? Can't you do something else? Lock me in the bathroom, make me sleep on the floor in here, lock my door from the outside and put bars on my window! Please!"

I felt my stomach roll, my chest jumping at what I heard as I watched his expression. And it was that of the gradual clicking of the ratchet as he slowly closed it around my shaking wrist. Every click caused his eyebrows to dip lower in slight hurt. Secured tightly now, my hand forced up above my head permanently for the night, he sighed in sadness at what he had forced himself to do. With no point in being over me any longer to hold me down, he braced his hands on my bed and lifted himself up, moving his legs so he was kneeling on my bed, looking down at me.

"Fuck you!" I yelled, voice harsh as I was forcing my eyes full of pure anger at him. I wouldn't tell him that this was my worst fear, that this was going to be the worst night of my life because I had my dignity. I wasn't sure if he would have locked me in the bathroom or done something else if I told him just how bad this was going to be. I would never know now.

He swallowed hard, biting his lip and clearly hating that he had to do this. And he should; I hope he feels guilty. He didn't say anything else about it even though I saw he wanted to. He took a deep breath, looking down and away from my gaze as he moved off my bed and back on his feet. He stepped towards the bedside table and bent over, picking up the waist basket that held my vomit. I was so pissed off at him, I wanted to dump it all over his nice brown hair and watch him suffer like me.

"Ahhh!" I growled, thrashing against the handcuff, panicked and scared and sick with pain. "Fuck! Oh god, I need it! Get me out of here!" I screamed, rolling and turning over with the burn in my body driving me to move. With only one hand trapped, I was able to toss and turn even though it hurt my wrist more. I was scared out of my mind and was hurting badly. It would only get worse during the night.

As I yelled and groaned, somehow hoping he would change his mind, he grabbed the ends of the plastic bag in the bin and raised the bag full of my vomit out of the bin. He tied it closed in a second, grabbing another bag that was on my dresser ready. He inserted the clean bag it in the bin. Without meeting my eyes, he set the now freshly prepared bin back on the floor where it was before and still in reach with me handcuffed like this.

"Ah fuck! Oh man, it hurts! Please, Luke! I need something! Give me something!"

Ignoring me, he grabbed something small off the dresser. Then he turned back to me, moving the few feet it took and setting whatever it was on the bedside table next to the glass of water (plus paper towels he brought in earlier). It was a pill but it didn't look like the usual ones he gave me for the withdrawal. Besides, he just gave me one of those about an hour ago. Didn't help a damn bit this time.

He looked up to me, meeting my eyes and where I was struggling to move. "Albany, this is an Ambien. It will help with sleep."

"I'll settle for cocaine!" I yelled at him, leaning towards him with what the handcuffs will allow.

He didn't say anything else. He was feeling more than worry but he didn't show it either. He sighed, turning around and walking towards the door as I yelled at him, screamed that he needed to let me go, that he couldn't do this to me and that I needed some drugs! Agh fuck! Burned so bad... Made the heat rise as I watched him; he didn't stop moving. In fact, in the few steps it took him to get to the door, his pace seemed to have increased slightly.

By the time he was out the door and closed it, I felt myself collapse back against the bed, breathing hard with rapid breaths. I moaned, running the wet rag he left me over my body, trying to calm down the best that I could. It wouldn't happen though. Clare could walk in at any moment, beat me. I could die with the fire that was torturing me and growing. The only cure would be for me to get drugs in my system or to just get me out of these handcuffs. I didn't have control over that at all. I had no control, no way to stop anything from happening. Panic and pure fucking pain! Such a pain that the hurting sensation alone would leave me thriving in turmoil. Now, on top of it, was my greatest fear in action.

Without another thought, I leaned over to the side towards the bedside table and picked up the pill that Luke left for me to help sleep. Though I didn't get any sleep last night, I knew that tonight wouldn't be different with all that was happening to me. I could only hope this helped.

I took the pill and even though nothing distracted me from the pain, I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and the thought of sleeping... well, sleep could hopefully make it pass much faster and I wouldn't go through the pain the same as if awake. But going to sleep... that left a panic of its own too.

If I go to sleep, who knows what will happen to me. If Clare comes in and beats me, it will be without choice on my part. I am here through force. But sleep... it was going to take me completely off guard if anything happens. I could feel the effects of the pill on me about half an hour later and even though my panic and worry and pain just grew, I could feel it working and it really did scare me. But at least I had the control of making myself go to sleep. That's what counted.

I had pride in myself; it was all I had left so I needed to hold onto it. That's why I didn't tell him. But right now, with all of the suffering that I was going through, pride was such a small thing.... I made a mistake in not telling him.

***

"Albany, darling, I have been looking for you everywhere," I heard a light voice say, one in which I could feel make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Oh god, oh no. Through the darkness of the familiar forest, I turned around in search of the ugly source of the voice. With the beautiful moon lighting up the woods below, the brush and foliage bright in the dark, I found what else was visible too.

My eyes landed on Clare there, standing a few feet away from me. She was smiling at me, her lips dark with lipstick, her thick brown curls framing her face perfectly as they fell around her shoulders. She was supporting a faded blue dress, a pattern of flowers scattered over the material. Even in the light of the moon above, I could see that in strange detail.

She wasn't the only one that was very clear to me though. In front of her stood a short little girl, her height reaching just past Clare's hips. Clare's hands resting on the girls shoulders as they were both facing me. I felt my heart jump and my eyes widen at the sight of her and the little girl standing with her.

I knew her right away. She had thick dark brown hair that cascaded down her back, the little girl's brown eyes meeting my same colored eyes. I saw the similarities and it broke my heart. Her eyes, the shape of her face along with the formation of her lips.... The only thing that was different was her hair really. She had Clare's hair.

She wasn't wearing any proper clothing. A black plastic garbage bag was wrapped around her torso, the material slightly lit up in the moonlight. It rested on her shoulders, all the way down to where it stopped just above her naked knees, her legs and feet bare on the dirt floor of the woods.

"Emily...." I moaned in a gentle whisper, not believing my eyes. She was actually here.... Right there, as clear as can be.

At hearing her name softly on my lips, I saw that her small smile on her pretty pink lips grew into a bright grin. Her small teeth white smiler lovingly and it killed my heart. She had a few freckles that sprinkled over her smooth cheeks, I noticed when I stepped forward a little.

"Do you love her, Albany?" I heard Clare speak softly.

Looking up at her, I felt my stomach turn. My eyes quickly fell to where she was grasping Emily's shoulders and was holding her against her like that. Like she was a real mother to her and loved her. I found Clare's eyes again and saw she was smiling, coming off very nice but I knew not to be fooled.

"Yes," I whispered as I nodded, glancing back down at her innocent little brown eyes. I stepped forward more, slowly and full of caution. When I got close enough to her, I could feel my chest tighten and a lump grow in my throat that I hadn't felt in ages. Kneeling down before the beautiful little girl, making it so we were at the same height, I took in her little nose and her top row of teeth biting her bottom lip; she gave me a cute smile with it. She was so close to me now.... I met her eyes and felt myself smile brightly back at her. "I love you, Emily."

A breeze moved through the forest lightly and it made her thick hair brush in the wind. And to see what a soft breeze did her hair, her alive skin, I wanted to touch her. I wanted to feel her and know she was real. Lightly, so carefully, I raised a hand and moved it forward and made contact, my finger tips on the side of her face near her ear.

I felt myself sigh. She was real; and this was happening. Her pale skin was so cold while smooth as I pushed my fingers back towards her ear. I caught some of her hair that was sweeping in the breeze and tucked it behind her ear.

"I miss you so much," I said, happiness and so much love growing in me. Taking in her eyes, I spoke softly. "Do you remember who I am?"

I watched her cute smile with her top row of spaced out teeth biting over her bottom lip. It turned up into a full smile and it made my whole being ache. She nodded and she leaned closer while still under Clare's grasp. I was close enough that she was able to lean forward and towards the side of my head. Her small hands moved up to her mouth and pressed them together in a circle against my ear. A moment later, she pressed her mouth to her covering hands and whispered so lightly in my ear.

"I believe you," she said, her pretty voice high and warm, young and innocent. So innocent, I wanted to cry from that and her words. God, it was like I could feel her voice rattling inside me!

I turned my head to look at her close to me. I bit my lip, my smile so true. "You do?"