WARNINGS ⎯⎯⎯⎯ viewer description is advised

people see and hear about their favorite actors doing cocaine and glamorizing it on TV but don't know the fucking reality of it. you think those first twenty minutes are the best feeling in the world, floating off the planet type shit, and feeling at peace with everything in your life, all your problems washing away.

then you crash.

and when you crash, you crash hard, and when you crash hard, life feels meaningless.

you fall into this state that feels slower than before. and you would do anything, anything, to get that high again.

you slowly try anything else, knowing cocaine is bad for you, but nothing else brought you that feeling like cocaine did. then you start using maybe twice a week, and god, you feel thrilled, feeling like you are on top of the world, feeling you could do anything, feeling proud of yourself, knowing that this was the best decision you ever made.

and then you keep crashing and crashing, frustrated because you wanted that high. you needed it.

then you find yourself using it every day, using it to properly function, and you at least snort five-plus lines every day just anything to feel that high one more time, even if it was just for a second.

and by the time you want to quit. you can't.

you're stuck in the "best decision you ever made in your life."

—— ❦ ——

muscle aches, paranoia, chills, headaches, depression, all symptoms of cocaine withdrawal that you experienced, and more.

you were about twelve days sober, and all the cocaine from your last high had completely left your body, and you felt like shit, physically and mentally. it's not like you weren't happy that you were doing this, but god, did you feel fucking awful, you didn't know how bad this was going to be, and you mentally wanted to kill yourself.

bucky did his best, and you appreciated his efforts. you and he decided to move in together in his house as you guys wanted to do this together, and him being here this last eleven days gave you a reason to stay sober.

you got to know him better in those eleven days, knowing his fears, truths, and everything in between.

you found out he hated shrimp but loved mac and cheese. he was afraid of high places, used to play the flute. and, god, he was funny as hell as well as he was charming.

he made you crack up a multitude of times even if you weren't in the mood for it, all his stupid but clever jokes made your day, and his commentary on movies like 'reality bites" and '10 things i hate about you." was one of the highlight of your days with him.

then when you weren't in the mood for sex, he listened and understood and would just cuddle with you, hold you and kiss you. he didn't have to do anything to make you fall in love with him any more than you do now. everything he did in those days really solidifies what you and he had.

you told wanda and pietro that you were getting sober and many other things, like that you and bucky made it official, and you will introduce them to him soon.

also that you won't be visiting their place any longer as there were too make risks, and you knew you wouldn't be able to resist

wanda and pietro understood and sent so much love to you. wanda practically cried and screamed, i love you on the phone. but you did plan to see them later that day after you called, deciding to go the park that you guys used to go to as kids, practically making you cry on the car ride there. it was a nice and calm day full of random surprises of yall going to other childhood places than all of yall crying at the end. it felt like you were leaving them, and in fact, you were.

the past y/n they grew up was gone, but they were ready to say hi to a newer version and welcome her into their arms.

you found yourself writing these past days. on day three, everything ached, and you physically couldn't even get up for the first two hours after you woke up. after those pains were gone, you noticed bucky was gone, and you didn't even know why but you broke down, crying and screaming all over the floor, like a fucking baby. you really wanted to relapse, just run to pietro's house and eat a whole fucking bag of cocaine.

but then your hand found its way on a pencil and paper, you didn't even know how but it did, and when it did. you found yourself ranting and writing notes to yourself. just expressing everything that you couldn't tell anyone at that time, and by the end of the day, bucky found bunches of paper scattered around his living room while you sat on the floor, tear-stained and flushed out, just writing and writing.

—— ❦ ——

"hey."

you jumped at the sound of bucky's voice, trying your best to cover up your recent writings. you weren't embarrassed that you were writing now, knowing that it helped you. you were embarrassed about the contents, what deep shit was written inside.

"shit- you startled me, barnes!"

bucky chuckled as he ruffled your hair, you grumbled as you slipped your papers in the drawer of your own personal vanity, and hit bucky in the arm.

you mouthed, "jerk," then walked out of yall's room.

bucky and you started renovating his place as it became both of yall's place. and what you meant by renovating was getting everything back from bucky's storage unit and buying some new things for you.

bucky surprised you when he brought back a vanity from a yard sale not far from here, and it made you so happy on the inside. that you screamed and jumped onto him, making him fall back onto the bed, and then you know what.

you liked how the place looked as you brought some stuff of your own, which basically was your clothes, essentials (toothbrush, shampoo, hairbrush, etc.), and personal items that you kept from your childhood.

the both of yall went to your old place and ransacked the whole site, and bucky was by your side that whole time, keeping watch in case chase wanted to pop in.

bucky made you feel safe, and you made him feel safe. it was refreshing.

"what are you writing?"

bucky snapped you back to reality as he entered into the kitchen, you making your way to the couch, "my memoir," joking as he looked at the back of your head confused.

"why? you aren't dying anytime soon...."

you turned your head back, laughing at his expression, "i'm kidding, dummy. it's just something for my dad," you turned your head back to the TV, scrambling to find the remote, "i always forget he's in jail, so i'm trying to tell him something."

"and that is?"

"i don't know yet...maybe that i'm getting sober or that i love him, something along those lines."

bucky shook his head and grabbed the remote from the dining table, walking over to you and dangling it above your head, "looking for something?" he chuckled while teasing you.

you tried to grab it as bucky played the fishing game with you by letting you almost grab the remote then pulled it away last minute. you grunted as bucky kept dragging you further and further away from the couch, you being determined on getting that remote.

"buck, come on! seinfeld is on this afternoon, and i need my seinfelid, buck. i! need! it!

bucky finally rounded out to the couch laughing at your persistence, then you tackled him, making him ultimately fall on the couch, you on top of him. you smiled as you finally screamed in victory, landing little punches on the brunette's chest.

as you kept laughing, bucky was just staring at you in awe.

bucky noticed he did this a lot like you were the only girl in the world. he loved every single thing about you, just obsessing over your quirks no matter how big or small they were

he loved the way your eyes light up when you were with him, how your nose would crinkle and eyebrows would furrow when you had an ongoing thought, how you bit your lip every time he made you fluster. how you would play with your fingers when you were nervous and how you would roll your eyes every single time a main character in the movies would do something stupid.

bucky landed a kiss on your lips to stop you from ongoing victory speech, catching you off guard. you melted into the kiss, dropping the remote onto the floor and pulling yourself closer to him.

sloppy kisses ensued as he wrapped his arms around your waist, making you whimper. you let go of each other lips with a pop and smiled as your foreheads propped up against each other.

"i love you, okay? just remember that. and i'm so so proud of you."

you shook your forehead against his's, "i love you more, dumbass."

bucky lifted his head from against your forehead, "why do you choose to insult me every time i say something nice to you. it hurts you, know." he said jokingly, trying to muffle his snickers.

"what? i'm putting my own flair in it, i don't wanna be one of those old couples, you know? but, alright, alright. i love you so so so so much, and i thank you." you said with a sarcastic tone, but with love at the end, smirking down at him.

bucky bit his bottom lip, looking you up and down with a glint of lust in his eyes, "that's better."

and before you and bucky could do anymore flirting and basically go down on each other, a knock at the door brought both of yall's attention away from each other.

you groaned, rolling your eyes, getting off bucky lap as he got off the couch. you sighed, feeling aggravated, sexually, looking at your boyfriend as he rushed to the door, "damn, he has a nice ass," you thought.

"well, i'm going to wash my face. if you want to continue, you know where to find me," you smirked in a flirty banter and then disappeared from his view.

bucky smirked, shaking his head, "fuck, i love her." bucky opened the door to a package at his doorstep, gasping in joy as he knew what was in the brown box.

"y/n!"

"y/n! i have a surprise for you." bucky screamed at the top of his lungs to no response.

"y/n?"

no response.

"y/n..."

...

the thing that movies forget to tell you is that there is no happy ending.

there are no glamorized endings of running away with your boyfriend hand in hand, staring at the sunset.

the tragic fake yet so true story never tell you that you don't get to be happy at the end, you don't get the guy, and you don't get to see that sunset ever again.

some do. they live out their fantasies after getting sober and run away to wonderland.

but the majority don't.

you wished and wished that you had a glamorized ending that made every critic in the movie theatres jump and cry for, but no.

you get the reality of it

bucky kept yelling your name as he ran to the bedroom, seeing no one. bucky thought the worst, as his heart sank to his gut, anxiety running in this head. bucky ran up to the bathroom door, trying to open it, desperately shaking the knob, not moving.

"y/n! are you in there?"

again, no answer.

"y/n. don't joke with me right now. please, open the door. what's going on!"

bucky used his body as a ram, beating himself up against the door it shifting with every slam. bucky hoped you were playing a sick game, he hoped that you fell asleep on the floor, he hoped you were okay.

with one last slam, the door busted open, and bucky's heart sank to the floor.

his eyes went completely white as he saw you on the ground twitching, barely breathing.

this can't be happening again. this couldn't be happening again.

he scrambled to get his phone, as he fell to the floor, crawling over to you. he kept screaming your name, begging you to stay awake. your eyes rolled to the back of your head, your mouth ajar with minimal gasping being produced.

"911, please, please hurry, my girlfriend she's- she's seizing, i think an overdose. god- i- i- don't know. please- ju- god y/n! please get here."

the dispatcher kept trying to keep bucky calm and giving bucky step-by-step instructions to keep you awake. but it went past bucky's ears as he tried everything and anything to keep you from dying.

and as you looked up at him, basically comatose, seeing his blurry face, his slurry words, his frantic state of panic trying to keep you alive.

you knew that you were as good as dead by the time an ambulance came. it was going to be too late. it was already late from the start.

but, surprisingly, you were happy with that fact.

you were sober for over ten days!

that was an accomplishment in your eyes. you lived your life to the fullest in those couple of days, being with the love of your life, rekindling friendships, and writing.

and as your eyes fluttered open and shut and you slowly stopped seizing, bucky held you against him, tears pouring from his eyes, his pleads never going quiet. he held your cheek, pecking kisses on your forehead, crying to anyone, anyone, up there who can help you.

"...y/n...please...please don't leave me...please, y/n, i love you...."

bucky had gone quiet, just holding you, cradling you, begging that you had enough fight left. and as the sound of sirens entered his ears, he didn't bother, he didn't care anymore, he didn't let you go.

he would never let you go.

© HQYLOFT