the weather was calm today even though the sun was shining bright. a light breeze passed through the brooklyn skies once more, as the winter days were already heating up. bucky eyes gleamed in the light as he played around with his fingers. you were enchanted by him like he was something out of this world, a hard to believe thing that you have your hands on. it wasn't like most days that you felt like a little girl again, where you would squeal as you saw an attractive man in your sights. bucky made you stutter, blush, and mush up words just like you would in the past with chase. it you feel nostalgic in some way than others.

you wiped the sweat from your forehead as you ate the plate of waffles you ordered earlier, the syrup dripping down your chin unannounced to you. bucky grabbed a napkin and wiped the golden sap dripping from your chin. you started into his eyes as he did while he stared back at you with a glint, something which made butterflies go wild in your stomach.

the waitress disrupted this as she brought down one plate of the breakfast special and two cups of black coffee, placing them by y'alls sides. you grabbed the creamer from the jar at the middle of the table and poured a miraculous amount in the cup, ripping a couple of sugar packets and sprinkling them in too.

you grabbed the spoon beside you and swirled it around as bucky kept his coffee black without any milk/cream or sugar and drank it straight.

"just black coffee, bucky? wow, you really are an old man."

bucky chuckled at your running joke, "then you're a child for consuming all that sugar."

you looked at him, placing your spoon back on the table. giving him a glare, then you smirked, "fair point."

you shook your head as you took a sip of your coffee, bucky keeping himself strangely quiet but never taking his eyes off you. you placed your cup down and grabbed the syrup again, dowsing the syrup down onto your untainted waffles. you released yourself from bucky's interlocking and grabbed your fork, scarfing your waffles down.

as you were carelessly eating away, bucky, on the other hand, barely touched his plate. he would only sip his coffee, occasionally look at you or the ground. at some times, he would eat one piece of his scrambled egg or take a small chunk of his pancakes, but other than that, he left most of it untouched.

and at that moment, you felt like you didn't know much about bucky, yeah you guys acted like a regular "normal" functioning couple, kissing, having fights, etc. but you never really got the time to know him, yeah he told you a little, but you wanted to know his fears, his truths, everything in between. you felt like you spilled your whole life to him but never got a crumb of his.

you took your fork and grabbed a piece of his egg as bucky played with the rim of his coffee, ignoring your sudden action. you looked at him, confused-eyed.

something was wrong.

placing the fork down, you moved his coffee away from his hands, interlocking his hands in-between your own. bucky looked at you, asking you what's wrong, as you kept staring at his own. hints of guilt and pain, lingering along, trying to be pushed back but very much present.

you knew what this was about.

"you want to talk about it?"

"hm?" bucky kept his head down, oblivious.

"do you wanted to talk about evie?"

bucky's head shot up immediately, wide eyes and all. his hands were slightly trembling, between yours as he was tight-lipped. he knew that he shouldn't be thinking about evie after all this time. he felt like he should be over her.

but he knew, and you knew that wasn't the case.

grief works in many ways, slowing killing from the inside, trying to remind you that the one you loved is gone and never coming back. he felt like he dealt with it. he felt like he was over it. but bucky knowing that you were going down the same route as evie and might end up the same as her, he couldn't stop thinking about it.

he couldn't get that pit in his stomach to go away.

he nodded silently, taking a deeper breathe and holding your hands tighter.

"can i take you somewhere?"

—— ❦ ——

the wind was now reeling in more as the sun kept beaming down on the both of you. your eyes were glued to the bunches of new and old flowers and photographs showered on the grave below you. and you saw her picture again, the bundles of gold locks attached to her head, her smile piercing at you, her graceful smile being the standout feature making you grow a tiny grin.

her joy radiating from the grave.

"i know i should stop thinking about her, but i can't. i never really dealt with her death correctly, and i thought i did. when i met you, i stopped visiting her grave... i thought i was done grieving...that it finally hit."

bucky grabbed your hand, holding it tight, "i thought i was finally ready to move on, but we both knew that wasn't true."

"she was the first person i ever said i love you to besides my mom and sister. and with that, i carry this huge weight on my shoulder to show her every day i meant it."

bucky grew silent again, containing in his tears. you turned your head to look at him, seeing how much pain he was holding in, the slight trembling in his moments, and in the way he spoke. it made your heartbreak with each word, you felt his pain, and you wished you could stop it.

"we can stop if you want."

"no. no... and when i decided to join the army, i failed her. i left her all alone without any way to show her that i loved her and i missed her. and if i knew, if only i knew, then i wouldn't have left in the first place."

"bucky, it isn't your fault at all. you just wanted to do the best for yourself."

"i know! i know! but why does it feel like it!" bucky lets go of your hands, now pacing, the tears finally falling down, you stumbled back from his unexpected outburst, mouth ajar.

"i feel like everyone in her life tries to blame me for her death! the constant looks and glare that i got from them, god! her parents hated me from the beginning, thinking i was some stupid dirty kid from brooklyn, not knowing i carried so much love for her, so much. and when she died, they loathed me, wanting me nowhere near the funeral and thinking she did these things because i left. feeling like i stole them from her because we basically ran away together..."

"i just wanted to be like my dad, y/n. i just wanted to be this great man that everyone told me he was. and my mom put all this pressure on me, and i wanted to be great for her when he died. and when i realized i didn't want that anymore, it was too late as i was already deployed, so i got hurt because i wanted to be with her."

"i wanted to stay here with her."

"but not even knowing we had very little time, all we did was argue, scream, broke plates, cried our tears out, the whole time. god, we were stupid kids."

bucky slowed down his pace and walked back to you, grabbing your waist, placing your forehead against yours as you held him, "i wished i did something, i really did. i choose to ignore it because we had a few good times, more than the bad ones."

he was silent once again. his deep breaths, only breaking the silence a little as you stood there, surprised from all his sudden emotion, his love that he had for others. how he would do anything just to be with his loved ones.

"i'm so so sorry, y/n. i thought i could be your savior because of the mistakes of the past. i thought i could have a do-over, but life doesn't work that way, and you showed me. i still want to help you y/n because i care about you, and i love you, but i don't want you to think that i want you to be a little miss perfect, the embodiment of whatever was presented before. no, i want you to be you."

you gave him a small smile, holding his cheek, "buck...addicts have a mind of their own, their own endgames planned in her heads. they think the white cane will soothe all their pain and help them shut out all the problems of the world, and it does for a while but not for long..."

"and bad people take advantage of vulnerable people in low states just to get more profit from them. evie seemed so amazing and bright, and i'm sorry the world put coke in her hands, and i'm sorry that i said all those hurtful words back then, i'm sure she was marvelous," you softly spoke, trying to soothe him.

"i got introduced to drugs way before chase, but it was nothing like cocaine. yeah, i would smoke a little of my dad's weed stash and maybe pop a few oxys my mom kept on the table, just to see and feel how my parents felt, just to relate to them."

you held his cheek, rubbing it softly, "i want to get better bucky, i always wanted to get better, but i was scared that i would lose this battle. i dug a hole too deep to get out of my own, but i think i'm ready to climb up it again...with help from you, if thats fine."

bucky looked back into your eyes, rubbing your thumbs as he placed a kiss on your forehead then on your lips. the pure love placed into the kiss made you wrap your arms over his neck, bringing him closer into the kiss. after a while you both separated from each other, then looked onto evie's grave, then back at each other. you both nodded at each other, then slowly smiled.

"let's go home, alright?"

and with those words, bucky felt peace, with himself and with you. you grabbed bucky's hands once more, interlocking them with yours, and left the grave, alone but loved by many.

© HQYLOFT