WARNINGS — talks of body image, abuse

life always threw rocks on your path that stops you from truly finding happiness.

stopping you from truly healing and becoming the one person you thought you would never become.

but now you want to become that person, and you don't know if you can.

you found yourself walking to the bar, looking at the night sky. the stars shining down at you, twinkling every once in a while, smiling at yourself but not feeling happy.

yes, you did break up with chase, but what did that mean to you?

freedom? certainty of an adequate future? you didn't know at the time, and you didn't understand it. but now you wanted to, but that would take a long time.

validation that you sought from others was pathetic, wanting to show them that you are better than this or that you can do that. and no matter how shitty they were, you still wanted that validation, wanting them to be reminded of your presence. from chase, your parents, random people.

bucky.

you wanted to see yourself as he saw you the past couple of months you're spent together. he saw you as this broken girl who can do no wrong to others and does nasty things to herself. he saw you as a person who grew up in a broken home. and you wanted him to see you like that again, longing for his comfort. but knowing after that argument. you knew his perception changed for the worse.

but it wasn't that easy.

you mess up. you always mess up.

you weren't going to just become magically sober by breaking up with chase, and you knew that. but in actuality, you wish that was the case. you knew you had miles to go, and it was going to be a long journey. but you didn't know if you were going to make it to the end. you knew the smallest things will make you crack and ruin your progress, banishing you into this darkness that you already suffered through, just to suffer again.

you sighed, wanting to have a drink, not alcohol, just water. you felt your throat dry up and swell from all the past yellings, sobbing, and anxiety that happen in the past hours. you knew the bar was not far away, but you still had a couple minutes to go, leaving dehydrated and alone in the outskirts of brookyln.

"...n! y/n! y/n!"

you whipped your head around, hearing a sudden noise of your name being called from behind, almost cracking your neck in the process. you widen your eyes on the person who was just screaming your name.

"oh my fucking gosh!" you turned away, rolling your eyes at the same time, and started fast-walking your way to the bar. or anyone close enough to be protected and not in the same space as him.

"y/n!"

"chase, i am not fucking listening to you, i thought i meant this cle-"

before you could even say another word, you felt your mouth be slapped shut and your body being shoved into a corner. you tried to fight back against chase, but of course, he was stronger than you. you were already drained of energy, and at that moment, yeah, you were scared. why wouldn't you be? you just broke up with your crazy abusive ex-boyfriend, and he just dragged you and restrained you from screaming.

he had you against the wall, his arm restraining you from the wall and the other still on your mouth.

"promise me you won't scream or yell when i take my hand away, okay?"

you looked at him, blood rushing to your head, your veins popping out, heart gushing. you slowly looked at him and nodded your head.

he released your mouth from his grasp, and not to any surprise, you started yelling immediately, wanting anyone, anyone, to get you out of this situation. chase was yelling at you to shut up as his instinct started kicking in, and all the yelling earned you chase t was a slap and a kick to the gut.

you fell to the ground with an oof, holding your stomach, groaning. it instantly felt like chase just kicked your organs and jumbled them all around, and all the pain and embarrassment made you nauseous.

even after you broke up with him, he's still here, controlling and throwing you around. you didn't know what to fucking do. you didn't know how to get out of this fucking game. you were weak, frail, you were almost fucking bone, you weren't eating well at all, and you weren't doing any better even if you tried to force yourself. cocaine may give you a feeling of rush and fulfillment, but in the end, it rots your brain and your body.

"i told you to not fucking scream!" he started lifting his leg in the air, anticipating to kick your even more and harder, but you interrupted him before his foot touched your limp body.

"okay! okay..." you gathered the strength to stand up straight again, rubbing your stomach and cheek, the stinging sensation still present, "what do you want chase. please tell me what the fuck do you want from me. you can find someone way better. why do you keep chasing me!"

he started chuckling, like a villain in his own fucking movie. he held your arms once more, surprising more delicately than last time, you flinched on cue, and he noticed.

he held his hand out and felt your cheeks, rubbing them as he didn't just hit them a couple minutes ago. pain is always in beauty. you always remind yourself of that quote. your mom used to say it every time your dad would scream at her or when he would break stuff then leave without a trace. she would always see the good in him no matter what he did. and at that time, you didn't know what it meant, but no standing here with chase close to you, you knew.

and stared straight into your soul, "what i need from you is to show me the biker who fucked you, so i can beat him up. the guy who ruined you."

you furrowed your eyebrows and spoke in a quiet tone, not wanting to fight with him, "what the fuck are you talking about?"

"we are going to that bar where you first met him, and you're going to tell me which biker made you like this! he ruined us, and i will ruin him. and if he isn't, then we're going to keep going the next day and the next day until i find that mother fucker who took me away from you."

your mouth was ajar, in disbelief. you ripped yourself from chase's grasp, scoffing, "you're so full of yourself that you think that i would do that for you. we broke up chase. that was my choice, not his or anyone else i don't know why you can't get that through your thick skull and who's to say that he or his gang wouldn't just kill you on the spot. "

he shook his head, "you wouldn't let that happen."

"oh, i would."

you both started at each other after each statement, looking at each other with love, anger, grief. he scoffed and grabbed your arm roughly, making you wince in pain, and started dragging you in the direction of the bar, "let see if you stick to your word."

you menally slapped yourself, as you looked at him. he was right. even if you didn't want him to be, he was. you didn't want to see him die or even get hurt, even though he did all those sick things to you. you felt you were scared if you tried to find yourself and left this town, and it wouldn't work, and you will come to brooklyn broken once more.

and, yeah, wanda and pietro existed, and you loved them very much, but you saw their stares, you knew their worries and inner thoughts, and you didn't want that pity. you wanted someone from the past to still be there for you to run back to, who wouldn't judge you even after you failed.

i guess your mother was right. pain is always in beauty.

—— ❦ ——

"i- i need a drink, please, just shut the fuck up."

bucky rubbed the god-awful headache currently spreading through his brain. he grabs his mellow drink flatly, sitting in front of him, and chugs it down like no tomorrow. this was his third beer in a row, and he wasn't planning to stop.

the place was loud, the music was pumping, and the crowd was intense. it was a usual friday where bucky and his biker gang all gathered at the bar, doing their regular rowdy shit, watch the game, and drink up until the daylight breaks. which bucky forgot, and he was glad he was reminded. after what steve told bucky made his mind in this state, which made him want to scream, cry, or do anything to just calm himself down, but bucky knew he couldn't, so going to the bar and forgetting all about this was the next best thing. but all he did was started rambling about it, wanting to be sure.

"are you sure, steve, like really fucking sure?"

"yes, bucky," steve kept jumping around like he regular cracked out self, feeling paranoid. the blond lowered his voice, getting closer to bucky, "i really think he hits her." steve went back into his seat, grabbing some vodka shots that he ordered from the table, and started drowning some down.

"i know, sometimes you may not trust my word, but i'm the golden boy! i never lie, i even try to talk to the guy considering i was high out of my mind. and all the loud noise they were making was making it the worst trip i ever had," the brunette looked at the boy seeing if he had a point to all of this, "sorry! i'm getting to it...now, where was i...oh yes, and when i asked what's going on, he started accusing me of something that didn't even make sense! calling me a liar and a junkie."

steve took one more shot, slamming it down on the table, smacking his lips with an ahh as he finished the story, "he just kept switching the subject even though i didn't accuse him of anything!"

as steve kept ranting, bucky tunned him out, everyone out, and stayed silent, thinking about what his blabbering friend just said. he knew chase was a shitty person but abusive? would he actually hit you? who would do that? which sane person would hit the person they loved?

bucky rubbed his temples. his brain felt on fire, every nerve just stinging each other. he sighs, "why didn't y/n tell me, i would've fucked that bastard up before she even said the next word," he said silently, only letting him and steve hear it.

did she not trust him with that information and how he would use it, or was he so blinded by love and hatred to figure out the clues?

"buck, don't blame yourself for this."

"yeah, i know," he raised his hand, signaling the bartender to get him another drink, "i blame you."

steve widen his eyes and got back up from his seat, "what! james! you gotta hear me out, i told you! i am high most of the time, and i don't know these people. they aren't going to be the first thing i remember, don't-"

"don't call me james, steven," bucky said with a stern voice with no emotion. he always hated that name.

steve furrowed his eyebrows, and shivered from that name in disgust, then sat back down, "and don't call me steven! i- i'm just saying."

"yeah, your right i actually don't blame you, i just..." he took the last drop of liquid from his old jug and gulped it down, the glass making a clicking sound as it hit the table empty, just like him right now, "wish you told me sooner that's all."

and bucky didn't lie, he didn't blame steve or you, he just blamed himself, killing he would've been down better at protecting you and keeping you away from that monster. all he wanted to do is show that motherfucker no mercy. but he didn't want to show up at your place. he didn't know if you were going to be there, and even if you weren't. he felt like he was invading your place. and all he wanted to do is give you the space you needed.

—— ❦ ——

you and chase are almost at the bar, and you have been wondering why you're still letting this clown dragging you here.

and then it clicked. there was really only one reason.

you wanted to see bucky again

you wanted to see bucky's stupid face and tell him how much you mean to him and how your ready to clean up your act and start this road of recovering with him by your side.

if he wants that too.

"chase, i already told i dropped him already. this will change nothing. i don't need you or him to help me with anything. i broke up with you cause i wanted to!" you partially lied on that sentence wanting to stop him before he does something he will regret.

he kept ignoring you as the neon lights started casting against both of your profiles. the blues and pinks mixed on both of your faces, showing the mix of emotions bubbling in your stomach. chase smirked, releasing you from his grasp, and kicked the door in, making his presence known. as the crowd changed their attention to the loud noise by the door. the boy walked in while you stayed outside.

you looked at chase's behind and licked your lips, sighing. your face was in a state of a constant frown and fear. this was your chance, to run away, run and run and run and never see this place again. just leave all our problems behind and just start over, so why didn't you fucking do it already. you were outside for about a couple minutes, and chase was distracted. you could've just left this all behind.

but you couldn't. you didn't want to leave him. not without saying goodbye.

you walked inside the bar and slowly looked around to see if bucky was even there. your heart was pumping. blood was racing. you were scared if he was there and scared that he didn't even show up. you didn't want to do this stupid shit with chase, but you wanted to see him. you believed you were searching for too long because eventually, a pair of icy blues met with your eyes. you started jittering, looking away, then looking back at him.

then the world turned slow.

you saw him.

he saw you.

just like it was the first time all over again.

your heart was pumping, his breaths were quickened, your stomach was turning inside out, and his eyebrow furrowed. it seems like the world made sense once again. the both of you were the perfect mix for each other, and you wanted to show that you both made sense. but you both didn't know what to do. you wanted just to run up and kiss him, do anything at the moment to show him that you weren't mad at him, you were never made, and that you loved him.

you started feeling nauseous, about to open your mouth and walk to him, but you panicked. you quickly dipped your head and ran to the barstool, shoving your confidence away and basically holding back tears.

you didn't care anymore. you took back whatever the fuck you said earlier. you didn't want to hear what chase was going to do. he can do whatever that fuck he wants. you just wanted to forget this painful night that kept getting more painful, you regret even coming to hear, and you wanted to drink on that. and if chase gets hurt or dies, then i guess that's on him.

hey old friends, sorry for this chap being late

ONCE AGAIN, i hope hope hope this

will be the last time but school is starting

so let's hope

(also reminder i try to post a new chapter

once every week or maybe earlier)

also PLEASE give me songs that this book

reminds you of, i want to fix the playlist a little bit

and i want my reader's opinion

so please please and maybe

you'll get a chapter early (wink wink)

© HQYLOFT