WARNINGS —— mentions of abuse

the streets of brooklyn never looked so clean. the skies bluer than usual, the patches of grass actually growing from the ground, the streets looking lively. cars going down and up the road, people walking on the sidewalks, and many others just sitting on their porches also looking at their other town folk. spring has already approached this god-forsaken town bringing out people from their caves and enjoying this new season.

you sat outside of your motel, a cigarette sticking out of your mouth, you blowing the steam out like a train. the gray fog dispersing so little by little like taking a piece of your aura and letting it out in the world. wanda sat beside you, eating her takeout, the noodles covered in generic soy sauce going into her mouth and leaving a unique taste. you both just sat out on the steps of the motel, the wet wood seeping into the cloth of your bottoms, the humidity of the air making your little hairs stick out. you looked out to the townspeople, especially the families, smiling at the kids, seeing how their eyes sparkled and their auras shined bright. seeing their parent look down at them proud of making something unique to them

maybe you wanted kids. would they make you a better person? knowing that you created something and raised it with the most protection. and they go off to be the best they can be. or you turn out to be your parents and drive them into a wasteland of drugs and kill all the happiness they ever had...

maybe it wasn't for the best.

"so you're in love with him."

your head whipped to your left, wanda keeping her attention on her noodles. you took in a deep breath, taking the cig out of your mouth, leaving it to hang on your fingers, the ember burning out.

"don't know. it's complicated."

it's been a week since you had that embarrassing argument with bucky. you thought you were stupid for keeping track. you felt stupid for even loving bucky at all. you really wanted to tell him. spill all the loved-up shit that was going in your brain and just live happily ever after and get over it.

but this wasn't a fucking fairytale.

as you said, you weren't great at expressing your feelings. you felt like your better with actions than words. but at the time, you should've used words. knowing that you gave him that kiss with all the love you had in you, and he did nothing. slapped something into your mind.

he didn't love you anymore.

but would that even change anything? if you told him? he looked disgusted in you, like repulsed. he looked at the one person he loved and saw something change. the whole fight was stupid, but the impact that you left was stronger.

as a result, you went on another drug spiral, not knowing how to deal with your feelings. and you felt pathetic that you did. knowing that's all you do when one fucking thing goes wrong. with chase gone again, and bucky gone too. you felt hopeless. you felt like you had no one in the world. you felt like you were on your last fucking string and cocaine was the only thing that made you happy.

wanda came over to talk about the distance between you two. knowing that you guys barely spoke to each other for the past couple of months. which was mostly your fault, but you were happy for her visit, even though all you guys did was say a few words then sat in silence.

it was a good silence, not the awkward kind, but the one that you know you and your best friend have peace with one another.

"how is it complicated! your eyes sparkle whenever you talk about him. you had a whole ass breakdown just because you lost him. i know he means something to you."

you chuckled, puffing the smog out from your lips, "it- it's complicated, wanda. okay? let's leave it at that."

wanda sighed, "well, that last time i saw you that happy is when you started using-"

"cocaine," you both said at the same time. you set the cig down, crushing on the wood plank. you both looked at each other and somberly chuckled.

you looked back down, bitting the bottom of your lips till it tinted. you kept picked on your cuticles, anxious for the next words that come out of your mouth but yearning for an answer, "wanda? am i a shitty person?"

wanda whipped to her head back to you, gulping the rest of her noodles down, "y/n. honestly, i don't know how to answer that question."

you looked back at her with your eyebrows raised, "what do you mean by that?"

"y/n i know you want me to say, 'no, you're so amazing,' but i can't just lie."

"lie?!"

wanda licked her lips, shuffling against the wood. you felt the uncomfortableness coming from her, knowing that whatever she said next was going to sting, "y/n this past couple of months ever since you got with barnes, and even before that, you ignored me. you stayed secluded and stayed in your house until that one time you needed drugs you came over. then once i got you that job, i thought we were going to fix that broken connection that you broke. but then you disappeared for a whole month, doing god knows what, and then calling me back when you're at your lowest point. then you went back to chase, and then when he left you again, you tried to go back to bucky. you go back to shitty men, then after they leave you, you go on a drug spiral. and at your lowest point, you either call me or pietro for more cocaine. like a fucking cycle. i only came here to try to fix what's going on in your head and maybe try to help you stop this addiction, but then i remember how shitty you treat me and how shitty you treat everyone around you. and you think you're so self-aware of your addiction, but your not, you don't see how sickly you look every day, and you do see how impulsive you get around others!"

"why are you yelling at me like this is my fault? like i wanted this addiction?"

"i'm not yelling at you, i'm giving you reality. i want you to get better, and i want my best friend back. but i can't have both. you have to acknowledge whatever happened this month made you more of a user that you barely pick up my calls. and then you stumbled back to me like i'm just a liability to you! so yeah, maybe you are a shitty person!"

wanda stood up, throwing her takeout on the ground. she ran down the steps, fuming from the lies you were putting in her mouth.

you got up too, your face burning up, your head pounding with so many words you wanted to scream out at her. in honesty, you didn't even grasp the fact that she felt that way. you didn't know that everyone felt that way.

"i'm sorry that you feel that way, wanda i really am but don't i get an excuse for the fact i was caught in a random rabbit chase with some i thought i loved!"

wanda rolled her eyes, mumbling to the ground, "god y/n, you're so dumb."

you tensed up from wanda's abrupt switch up, "huh? and all this time, i thought you would be excited that i'm leaving that bastard for someone better."

wanda shook her head, lifting it up, she stared right into your soul, "yeah, but not with someone like him? maybe i thought a one or two-night stand but dating james buchanan barnes?" wanda laughed at the end of her sentence, shaking her head, even more, pacing around the sand road.

"why the fuck are you laughing? what's so funny, wanda."

"nothing."

you furrowed your eyebrows, running down the steps. you got up close and personal with wanda, "no, since you want to start something, finish it, man up and tell me what's so fucking funny about me leaving my mental draining, cheater of a boyfriend?!"

wanda eyes seethed as you stared back at her. she scoffed, "y/n. do you even hear yourself? you let chase step all over you, and every time me, or even pietro, tries to help you, you fucking disregard it like you have a better chance to stop him," wanda got even closer to you. her mouth blowing all the steam she ever wanted to say to you, "you're an addict y/n? have you ever thought about that. you say you want to get better, then try but then, who ruins it for you, yourself. and instead of balancing yourself, you wanna leave your boyfriend and go to barnes. who may i say is just like chase without the toxic tendencies. he smokes, he parties, and i see him at that diner with an abundance of girls all over him. he may seem calm and mild for a biker, but you don't know him like this town does. but then i remember you haven't been but of your cave for a while. so you don't know what the fuck goes on this town!"

you both stayed silent after wanda statement. wanda shook her head, slowly walking away from you, disappointment spreading through her eyes. you disappointed her, pietro, bucky. everything around you was falling apart, and you didn't know how to fix it. you didn't know how to be a better friend, to be less of an addict. you wanted to tell her, you wanted to tell her what chase did. you shook your head, looking down at the ground. tears welled up in your eyes, slowly falling down.

"wanda..."

wanda looked back at you, her jaw stopping in mid-air. she saw you shaking, your turtle neck pulled down to see the bruise that he made. you looked down at the ground, not wanting to see her reaction knowing it would break you. tears welled up in her eyes, and her hands covered her mouth, almost breaking down.

the red head ran up to you, holding you in her embrace. you both just fell to the ground, sobbing, letting all your emotions out.

you and wanda may have a broken connection, but wanda would never let anyone hurt you, and knowing that monster even put his hand on you made her sick to her stomach. she held your face, wiping your tears away.

"y/n. please live with me and pietro just for now. i know you don't want any help, and you want to think you can do this by yourself, but i need you to know that it's okay to ask for or accept help. it doesn't make you any less weak. it makes you strong, knowing that you were at the point which you need that help. please just until we find a way to lock that son of a bitch up."

you looked at the girl, seeing her cry with you established your whole relationship. you knew wanda would do anything to take care of you and would do anything to keep you safe. you slowly nodded even though it kicked you in the stomach. you never liked any help, wanda was right. you wanted to do everything yourself because that's what you've been doing since the beginning of time. you use any of your resources to get your way. you're smart, aware, you have tactics, you know what needs to be done and what doesn't...

maybe, you are a shitty person.

❦

i hope this chapter makes sense cause every single time i reread it it doesn't but at the same time it does but idk. if it doesn't ill rewrite it so i don't sound dumb 🤕

y/n and having arguments with her loved ones (a cycle) and she's lil manipulative omg 😭😭

© HQYLOFT