who am i without meaning? who am i without a purpose?

you asked yourself this again as you crawled your way to your bathroom floor. laying there contemplating if you're making the right decision. laying there thinking about the next steps of your life. you stared at your greyed-out low lights, the flickering stinging your eyes. seeing, searching to find an answer in them.

or just trying to blind yourself before you do anything stupid.

it's not like you didn't want to see bucky and make things rights. that's like the only thing you wanted to do. run up to him, apologize, and live happily ever after.

but this wasn't a fucking fairytale. you were sober, drained, mentally incapable of forming the right words to tell him how much he means to you. you felt like if you went right now, you would make a fool out of yourself and embarrass the hell out of yourself. the words were sounding right in your head, but the way you spit it out.

never sounded right.

"bucky, i'm sorry for what happened in virgina, i was just — bucky, you mean the world to me i — i love you, james barnes..."

"...fuck!"

you flipped yourself around on your belly, laying your hands on your chin, "i.....love...you...bucky...god, i sound so stupid." you jumped up from the floor. shaking off the chills you had, trying to wake yourself up from this depressive slumber.

you leaned on your bathroom counter, thinking about bucky's laugh, his voice, his face, the way he would scrunch his nose to hide his face from blushing. he perfections and imperfections that made him, him.

his body, his thighs, his tattoos, the way his voice would make you weak to your knees. making you tremble in fear and excitement, knowing whatever he did next would drive chills through your spine.

you shook your head, shaking the horny thoughts away. turning your body around to face your reflection. "alright, y/n, clean yourself up. and go over to his house and just tell him how you really feel and stay sober 'cause you'll do better that way," you spoke to your reflection and nodded like you were replying to yourself.

you walked up to your bathtub, ripping the curtains to the side and stepping inside.

you were ready for this.

—— ❦ ——

you weren't ready for this.

the hot steam of the shower covered the whole bathroom in a white-thick fog, letting anyone who walked in here know it's been over an hour. you were sitting in the bathtub for the past hour, thinking again about bucky and going to see him again. and you were planning to sit there for another hour, and the only reason why you got up was that the hot water became cold.

you were wrapped up in your raggedy towel, sitting in the darkness of your room, only the sun illuminating your skin. looking at bucky's leather jacket from across the room.

if your wondering, you got it after the fight you and bucky had. you picked up a random jacket from the table, not knowing if it was yours or his and not caring, because the only thing on your mind at that time was, getting the hell out of there.

and after a couple days later, you saw a red star on the side. knowing that bucky's biker gang symbol was that exact symbol. you realized you have taken his jacket. and kept it like it was the only piece of him you had left.

it was pathetic, yes, but you held onto it. you didn't know if it was because you missed bucky or you just didn't want to be lonely, and bucky's jacket was the only thing at the time that brought you comfort.

you were staring at it for about thirty minutes, still thinking and staling yourself. and at the very moment, your impulsivity kicked in, and you knew what you had to do.

"fuck it."

—— ❦ ——

"fuck this."

you have been looking staring at this brown door for at least ten minutes, regretting each step you made walking to his house.

you tried your best to look good, fixing up your hair, slapping makeup all over your face, making you look more healthy and alive rather than dead and slowly dying inside. you paired it with some clean blue baggy jeans, a sleeveless black turtle neck to cover up your bruised neck, and bucky's leather jacket covering your arms.

you took a deep breath, "all right y/n, just give it to him straight. tell him how you feel. that's not hard. it's not that fucking hard."

you took three-step forwards and knocked on his door.

bucky lifted his head from his tea, the sound of the door startling him. he wasn't expecting anyone to visit him, especially after he and steve talked at the bar. he's been isolating himself. staying in his house more often and drinking his tea. just reminiscing.

he walked up to his door, grabbing the door knob, opening to see you staring right at him.

the first time seeing you after the fight. he didn't know what to say. his eye widened, and his jaw dropped. he had to clutch onto his cup handle, knowing he was about to drop it. he saw your outfit, how cleaner you looked.

he didn't know if it was an act or for real. he was just in shock seeing you, more specifically, you and his leather jacket, all in one piece.

you smiled at him, your eyes telling him that y'all needed to talk.

"y/n what are you-"

"bucky, before you say anything, please hear me out. i know that i'm not the best at words, and i know i'm not the best at expressing them. but i really just want to speak. i'm sorry for everything i did back in virgina, being irrational, not letting you help me because i know i should stop this addiction, but it's an illness, more like a disease taking me over. and i didn't mean to fuck things over. and i didn't mean to bring bad memories up i'm-"

bucky held his hand up, interrupting you and stopping you from rambling on, asking a question, "are you sober right now?"

you paused, looking right at him, bewildered and confused, "are — are you really asking me that right now."

he kept a straight face, "are. you. sober. right. now."

"yes! yes! i am sober right now — i can't believe you're actually asking me that. i came here to apologize and maybe reconcile what was broken. and you're asking me if i'm sober."

"i'm just asking because i know how vulnerable and impulsive you get when you're high. i wanted to know if i'm talking to the real y/n and not the cracked out one."

"cracked out? real one? what the fuck are you implying!"

"when you're high, you're not yourself, and you were high most of the time we were together. i don't know the real you, y/n."

"your acting like our talking at the bar or us at the farmers market wasn't me. all the shit that came out of my mouth is me, barnes!"

"is it?"

you scoffed, "why are you acting like a fucking jerk! i came here to do something nice, and you're acting like a baby!"

"oh, i thought you liked assholes since you want to keep sticking with your boyfriend, and then the second he leaves you. you drop everything for me. was i a pawn for your satisfaction y/n?"

"bucky.... i'm sorry that you feel that way. but i don't know why your acting like i was the one who dragged a drug addict on a wild goose chase and then being surprised when she doesn't like being a part of your "fixing" experiment."

"oh god! y/n! all you did is think about yourself. it's always about you and your drug addiction, and yeah, admit i was shitty about doing the whole thing in virginia but don't you think about how i feel! how i feel that you implied i killed my fiancee even though you should know her addiction was not my fault!"

"don't you think i know that! i know that i'm not in the position to act like i'm the better person, and i admit what i said was shitty but don't pretend like your the good guy here. you're the one who wanted to "fix" me. you're the one who wanted a redo! do you even still love me!"

you both stayed silent after that, only looking at each other. tension thicking the air around the both of you, tears slowly falling from both of your eyes, bloodshot and weary. you saw how his face was painted with betrayal, anger, passion, and disappointment.

bucky didn't say anything after that. he didn't know how to answer that question.

you really wanted to make this work. you didn't know what to do. you knew bucky was going to leave you. you were panicking inside, a knot closing in on your throat making it harder to breathe. you felt like you were running out of options.

you didn't know what to do. you didn't want to be alone again.

you impulsively acted out, leaping towards him, grabbing his face, and smashing your lips onto his. it felt right. it felt like a wave of comfort and love all mixed together, concealing you from the hideousness of the world, telling you everything was going to be alright.

bucky was surprised, shocked, he didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to feel about you anymore. in his mind, he was still mad at you, but his heart wanted to kiss you back.

kiss you back and make everything right again. kiss you back and have you back in his arms again. his mind was scrambled with the thoughts of you, evie, everything he talked about with steve. but before he got to decide anything, you broke this kiss, looking back into his eyes, glimmering with the tears from both of you. flushed with the embarrassment of him not kissing you back.

his decision was made. your decision was made.

you stepped away from him, looking him up and down. you were out of breathe, holding in your sobs, keeping composure.

"i'm sorry, bucky, for fucking up your life," you walked away from him. bucky kept silent wanting to say something else, but not knowing what to say. at the end giving up and letting you go for the best.

hearing his door creak, you looked back at the brown door seeing a slither of his face, ultimately shutting you out, letting the both of you go your different ways.

❦

sad sad sad i just love making chapters that make me cry.

yeah bucky is being an asshole but i swear he'll be sweeter later

anyways do yall have any questions about this book! ill try my best to answer them in a non spoilery way.

© HQYLOFT