WARNING — lots of strong language

the sound of the teapot kettle whistled as the trickling sound of the rain rang the town. the silence of the white home was evident. making all and any movement louder than usual, like an asmr video. the smell of the rain trickled in as you kept a window open. the sweet smell of moss and coins filled your nose as the vanilla smell mixed with all of it. it was like a warm feeling, never really hitting a boiling temperature.

you loved that rain, the stillness, and calm of it all. it brought you back to "better" days. when all the noise and mess in the background happened. you would find yourself looking to the rain to find yourself silence, shutting the loudness out, and keeping yourself in a mental state that you were okay with.

bucky was sitting on the dining table, his eye deep into his book. the crisp edges feel sharp in-between his fingers. bucky never really caught onto his hobbies, like reading or cooking. his dad declared it as girly or not man-like, which was fucking stupid. he hated the old man for that, pushing ridiculous stereotypes on him and his sister.

you poured the hot water from the teapot into the cup, the teabag steaming up and puffing as you watch it hiss the herbs into the water. you sighed, looking at bucky.

his eyes were still on his book, scanning it like a machine. he looked determined, focused, maybe even stressed, and just working it out on the book.

he rose his head up, catching your eye contact. you quickly looked back down, slightly embarrassed. you felt some awkward tension with bucky after seeing that. and bucky sensed it too.

he didn't know what was wrong, and he wanted to figure it out, but every time he asked, you said along the lines, 'no, i'm fine, barnes.' with a smile just to prove it to him.

but he knew something was up.

you grabbed some lemons off the counter, picking up the knife from the side. you took a deep breath, feeling your mind push away from the box, focusing on the now rather than the then.

you started cutting the lemons into the slices, the juice of the lemon slightly spurting out with every slice.

bucky lifted his eyes from his book, seeing your back of your frame cutting up the lemons, immediately was pumping with adrenaline. your hips were swaying so lightly with the wind, matching the song the rain. blood went straight from his brain to his pants. as you kept cutting, you felt a pair of arms snake around your waist, sending tingles straight to your heart. you knew it was bucky. his touch was so comforting to you. his hands were rough with touch but were so gentle to you. he buried his face into your neck, pecking it with little kisses, you laughed, shaking your head.

"what are you doing?"

"c'mere," bucky pulled you away from your drink, pulling himself down into the chair and resting you on his lap. he bit his lip, looking you up and down. you were wearing his boxers and a basic tee shirt, but he was obsessed with it all. seeing you in this own clothing was like a kink to him. it sent blood straight to his dick, and he really wanted to just rip everything off you and fuck you right on this countertop.

you bit your bottom lip, staring down at him, curving your mouth into a smirk. he was in a daze admiring you like you were a goddess.

you liked that. you liked that you had this "power" over bucky. your feminity and liberation controlled him into your command. he might be in the driver, but you had a hand on the wheel.

bucky gripped onto your waist, rubbing his hands against them, slowly bring them lower and lower. he looked straight into your eyes, those steel blues hypnotizing you. they were glistening with a hint of sadness but love at the same time. but he kept his cheeky smile as he spoke, "i can't see myself doing anything in this world without you by my side, i feel like i can take over the world when i just look at you, and i thank the universe everyday because i got to meet you."

your face crimsoned, you shook your head, looking back at him, "you really make me feel better about myself bucky, and i'm glad i got to meet you, and i'm sorry that i didn't say-"

"no! it's fine, doll! i shouldn't have said it when you were in a vulnerable state, and you don't even have to say it cause i already know you do."

you chuckled softly, lightly hitting his shoulders.

it was true you really did love bucky. you don't know how you do, but for now, you know you do.

"now do you wanna continue what we started? 'cause i've been dying to fuck you on top of this countertop," bucky spoke roughly, his brooklyn accent slipping it. his hand was on your chin, pulling you closer for a kiss.

you doughed his kiss, biting your lip as you got off the boy's lap. bucky opened his eyes, his puckered lips still empty. he saw you standing over him with a big grin. he scoffed, "what a fucking tease."

you laughed, walking away from him, "as much as i would love that, i really think i want to drink this before it gets cold," you pointed to your tea, turning your body away from him. you grabbed the kin

you lied, you absolutely did love bucky, but those pictures of bucky and e, you assumed, from yesterday never left your mind. you wanted to ask bucky about it last night, but he's like a horny fuck robot, wanting to fuck you every fucking minute.

which, you didn't mind, you liked that you were very fuckable, but you felt confused and a little bit nauseous of the thought of bucky bringing another girl here, fucking her with on the same bed like you or even if he's still attached to her if those pictures are still around.

you knocked that thought of, laughing at how stupid the probability that is. you turned your head back a little, seeing bucky's eyes still on you. you sighed with joy, seeing he wasn't pissed off or anything. all he knows is that you are just being your playful self.

you shook your head, opening the cabinet, looking for some hiney, as bucky stared at you like a hawk, watching you like he wanted to pounce onto you right now. he gulped, getting up from the chair and grabbing his book from the dinner table.

the book he was reading reminded him of evie. he laughed at himself for that. he knew he should tell you about her, especially in this house, but he felt like the "right" time was always the worst. he didn't know how you were going to react. were you going to be mad? fine with it? he didn't even know if he should ignore it and forgot it ever happen. but he knew that was wrong. bucky felt he choose you cause you resembled her, and he felt sick about that.

he wanted to make sure that you didn't find out on your own. he found all the photos in the house with pictures of both of them and hid them away while you were sleeping. he cried at the thought of evie having so many pictures of them together, not knowing that she got to stay in this for a while, preparing it for them. he just took a deep breath in, going back to his book.

"who's e?"

bucky laughter faded away, and his face was left with an awkward smile. he held his breath, looking down at his feet then back at you, "wha- what are you talking about?"

you kept quiet, sipping your tea, the hotness scorching your throat, you bit your lip looking back at him, you felt bad about telling him you snooped, but you wanted this awkwardness to be done. your mind was guilty, and you didn't want to be on this jury any longer.

"i- um- i was just admiring the bedroom's vintage look, and then i stumbled on the closet. i saw these gorgeous dresses, and i accidentally dropped one ad when i went to search and picked it back up, and i found a box," you rambled all of this like it was one word, bucky titled his head as his smile faded little by little.

you diverted your eyes to bucky, seeing his blank face, " i know i shouldn't have snooped, but i just- i- i found pictures of a girl, and then i saw pictures of you kissing the girl, and i don't think that's a big deal. i mean, we all have exes. but i was just confused, you know?"

bucky was dead silent. the sound of the rain trickling was the only thing emitting sound waves in the silence. his eyes were wide like they casted a screenshot. he saw your trembling stance, picking your finger cuticles, and he knew you were sober, anxious, queasy. he didn't know what to say next, tell you the truth? duh, he had to. you already saw the pictures. and you seemed fine with it. however, he didn't know how to explain the whole evie situation. he already fucked up, bringing you here to her house, and bucky feared he would fucked it up more if he spoke.

"y/n let me explain," he quickly got up for his chair, speaking slowly like you were a child, waiting to tell you the truth. while you just looked at him, sombered eye, mouth slightly open, waiting for him to continue. he went up to you, holding the side of your arms to stop you from shaking. you didn't know how to react. you felt you were going to overreact or underreact in this situation. your breath was staggering, and bucky being this close to you was making your shaking even worse.

bucky stared into your eyes as you stared into his, his filled with deep regret and sorrow, and yours filled with confusion and melancholy. he took a deep breath, "e is evie, she's technically my fiancee, and she overdosed over two years ago from cocaine, and she apparently left this house for when we decide to get married, but that never happened. and i hid all those pictures because i didn't want you to figure out and i was going to tell you but-"

"wait," you shook your head, "cocaine? she overdosed on cocaine," you furrowed your eyebrows, tilting your head slightly.

bucky nodded quickly, "yes- yes, and i wasn't there for her because i went to war, that's when she probably started, and then i didn't help her while she was in the deep depths of her addiction, and i felt like such an asshole for not being there when she's in need. i- i wanted to tell you all of this bu-."

"wait, you were in the army? okay- okay i- i- please let go of me. i need to breathe," you yanked your arms from bucky's grasp, feeling overwhelmed. you felt hot, almost sick. fiancee, overdose, army veteran? you were fucking dizzy from all the information you gathered from the past five minutes.

"y/n i'n so sorry that i didn't tell-" bucky tried to grab your hand, but you harshly pushed it back, holding the temples of your head, feeling them throb and ache whenever bucky spoke.

"shut up, bucky, please, let me think, god!"

you were both were silent, the aching of your mind making everything louder, but regarding your wishes, wanting to get his point across.

"and i know it seems so fucked up, but you just reminded me so much of her. i was so caught in the moment, but when i started to learn more about you, i was-" bucky stumbled on his choice of words, not knowing how to make the situation better. he was never the negotiator, never the group speaker. his explanation just made you more confused by the second.

"you were what? amazed? lucky that you found someone who has the same fucked up addiction as your ex does?" your fingers dragged across your face, "bucky, am i sorry for your loss, i'm really am, but what the fuck did you think was going to happen with me huh? i was going to magically go to become sober because a fucking biker shows up on my doorsteps and fucks me!"

"the fuck y/n. that's not what i'm saying. i just wanted to help you, so you didn't go-" bucky cut off his own sentence and mentally slapped himself. he just realized how fucked up he sounded trying to justify this, knowing deep down inside that's what he felt.

he wanted a do-over, and maybe that was his true intentions were and cursed at himself out loud. he turned back to you, "y/n i am so sorry, that's not what i wanted, it's just- i don't want you to get hurt, alright? you live with that fuck up. that you call a boyfriend, who is clearly taking you down this rabbit hole, and you don't even want to listen to yourself or anyone."

"bucky, what makes you think i want to be sober. maybe i want to fuck up my life because people like you and chase always manipulate me into thinking i can or will get better when in reality i was already like this!"

you now had tears coming down your face, not from being sad, just being extremely angry, you were tired, you head fucked ache like a million nails were hammered into your head. you weren't wrong about your statement tho, you were born into a life of drugs and alcohol, your parents carrying addiction down the family line. your mom drank while she was in you, and your dad did cocaine while she gave birth to you in the living room.

and once you came out of your mom's vagina. your life was decided.

"i can't get better, bucky, and honestly, i don't know if i want to get better. i feel bad for evie, i really do cause that beautiful girl had to use drugs to cope with the fact of you leaving. and i know you didn't want to have that weight on your shoulders, but you should've tried rather than ignoring her because she could've been helped. i can't."

"you bit down of your lip, blood being drawn out, as tears came out from both of your eyes. bucky eyes were bloodshot. his cheeks were flushed, hair messed up, and stance staggered. you were both sweaty as the humidity of the rain didn't make it better.

"yes, i know i should've done something. but that's her addiction, and this is your i know you know that, but don't fuckling blame me for her death!"

bucky snapped at you. his tears were more prominent than yours. he was hurting, and he finally was letting his emotions on all of this out on you, "you think your so self-aware of your drug problem, not even knowing it's killing you inside!"

"i know it is!"

you both were now just screaming, yelling at the tops of your lungs, breaking shit, pointing fingers at each other, but you had enough. people basically men try to control you and how you live your fucking life, you didn't care if that was a life of peace or addiction. your dad, chase, now bucky, when will it fucking end.

you scoffed, "bucky, i don't know what fucked up savior shit, you have to figure this shit out before you want to ever fuck me or even see me again," you pushed past him, grabbed the closest jacket you found on the counter and ran outside. the loud claps of the rain immediately ht your ear waves, the loudness coming back to you like it never left. the fog was thicker than ever, creating a deeper meaning to all of this.

the loudness was never gone. you just muffled it out, using something or someone else to drown it out when in reality, you would always succumb to it.

bucky ran out to the patio. his body and mind were conflicted looking at you, not knowing if he wanted to call out to you or just leave you walking.

you kept going further from the house, your face emotionless from the last minute that just happened, walking off to the next part of your life. you looked back at bucky, seeing his greyed-out face walk back in the white house. you broke down a little seeing him leave, choking up on your tears.

your dreams, your swing, your farmer market, a dream you knew that. you knew how that dream end, walking up with a slap of reality.

"goodbye, james."

❦

ans thats the end of the first act! um this chapter literally got me crying even though i wrote it 🤕 if there's any mistake i'm going to breakdown

also y'all like the chapter layout? this is how im revamping all the chapters to look like so again please ignore all unpublishing and republishing coming soon. i know it's annoying but i want this book to look the best for all of y'all (and for me hehe)

anyways! act 2 is coming soon, since i'm revamping i might make a playlist for each act 🤞 we'll see.

again thank you so much for the love on this book and i can't wait to show yall what's coming next (spoilers warnings: lots and lots of angst 😁😁)

© HQYLOFT