love. an intense feeling of deep affection.

you've never experienced love when you were younger. you felt like the word was absent your whole life. when the other kid's parents gave them love letters in their lunch that said many aspiring words and said, i love you, while they leave for school. you had to write notes for your mother every time you left so she wouldn't freak out, tucked your own parents to sleep and make your own lunch, which resulted in an apple and milk.

your parents weren't bad people in your eyes. even though they fucked up their whole life before having you and kept fucking up yours while you grew up, it made you grow a hatred for them.

they really tried their best, and you see that now.

you appreciated them, and you loved them for that. but it made you sick that they never took the responsibility of being a parent and made you grow up faster than you wanted to.

the first time someone told you that they loved you was chase.

and, yeah, maybe pietro and wanda would say it when you went out and bought them food, but the first time someone actually meant it in the way you wanted it to mean was chase.

and when he said it, you didn't even respond right away. you didn't even know how to feel. you were dizzy, almost sick-like. those three words ripped your heart out and repaired up at the same time. you at first you didn't want to believe him. but you said it back, and you actually meant it.

you thought it was perfect, you, and chase. living like it was paradise, parties, sex, the euphoria of a high every day when in reality, it was the opposite. your massive decrease in money, personal space, the toxicity of your relationship growing as the both of you kept using.

both of you would scream and push each other around every day, arguing and arguing over the stupidest things. chase being more manipulative as you kept seeing each other.

he was like a big baby, someone who would drag you down when you wanted to get better. you thought you were weak cause he told you that. you assumed that you had no one cause he told you that. you believed every stupid word that came out of his mouth, which resulted in you in this wasteland of life.

and when you met bucky, you thought love was so far from happening. he was too good to be true. you stumbled onto him like it was fate.

you played with him like a fiddle for a while until you actually wanted something. and when he said those three words to you, you really wanted to say them back, but you didn't know if it was true.

you didn't know if you actually loved him or you wanted to love him for your own benefit.

it didn't matter though, you didn't say it back, already causing an awkwardness for the rest of the trip. you guys had one more week, and you wanted to mend the crack that you broke. you looked at your face in the mirror, all the curves and imperfections you had. seeing how less greyed out you looked after putting some makeup on, you sighed, popping a birth control pill into your mouth, drowning it down with some water. you brushed out the wrinkles from your dress and walked out of the bathroom.

"okay, barnes, get your butt up because we're going to the farmers market," you entered the room, yelling at the top of your lungs. bucky lifted his face from his coffee, the fog rising from the cup.

his heart was beating enormously. he thought he ruined something with you after saying those three words. he felt utterly disgusted for even saying it to you in such a vulnerable moment, but seeing that you still want to go somewhere with him gave him hope.

"i'm not ready, y/n, i'm still in my boxers," he faced you while you were looking for some sandals. you guys only packed a little, stuffing as many clothes that can fit into your backpack. you were surprised though, they were many clothes and accessories still in the cabinets when you checked earlier, for women and men. you didn't ask bucky about it though, it could be his friends.

you were wearing a yellow with white flowers sundress with skin-colored tights hugging your legs and a white jacket covering your exposed arms. the sun was out, meaning winter was coming to an end, the birds were chirping, and fresh fruit just arrived at the market.

you crossed your arms, walking closer to him, "then you better get ready, or i'm going to steal all the fresh fruit and leave nothing for you," you smiled, showing him that you didn't mean the mishap that happened last night.

he smiled back, "you look gorgeous, you know?"

you chuckled, ruffling bucky's hair, "yes, i know, now get ready!" he laughed back, furrowing his eyebrows, nodding his head. you were clapping your hands like you were a mother with five kids. he got up, running to the door, his smile the last thing you see before he's gone

—— ❦ ——

"ooh! look, peaches!"

you grabbed some peaches from the stand paying the kind lady, you threw them into your wicker basket. "i absolutely do not know what to make with them, but i'll use them accordingly," you said to yourself.

bucky watched you from afar, seeing how giddy you were just for buying fruit in the market. your eyes glowed with the sun, and your smile was even brighter.

bucky just admired all your features, from far and wide. your small little characteristics on your face, all the bumps and curves it presents. he really felt like you were too good to be true. he felt like he was in a fever dream, already on the road with you and acting like everything was fine.

he was going to enjoy it while it lasts.

you ran over to him, showing him all the fruits you had in the basket, "do we need any more? i was thinking of making a pie, but i don't know how to, so i might just make a smoothie."

bucky giggled at you, grasping your waist with both of his hands. his fingers dragged across your skin as he held your chin. you bit your lip to a tint looking down at the fruits, embarrassed.

you were surprised at the amounts of PDA bucky gave you-- not that you didn't mind it. you were new to it-- you were new to all of this, the attention, the actual partnership of someone. it gave you hope for something more, something that you never had, you never experienced, that you have never seen in real life and only in tv shows.

maybe a good ending to all of this.

you and bucky were walking back to the house hand to hand, grasping each other palms as the sun hit the both of you. you both were silent, just enjoying the moment. you didn't know what to say or even ask. you really wanted to know more about bucky, other than his favorites foods and what he does for a living. that was the basics, and you and he went through all of that.

you wanted to know his aspirations, his dreams, his goals, his backstory, and why he was named bucky.

"why bucky?"

bucky turned his head to you, furrowing his eyebrows, "hmm?"

"bucky is such a weird name to name a kid. you're the first person i know who is even remarked with a name like that."

"buchanan," he simply said, his face dead flat.

you stopped in your tracks, furrowing your eyebrows this time, "huh?"

bucky laughed at your confusion. he took a deep breath, his mind rumbling with all the secrets he wanted to tell you, including you more into his past life and actually opening himself up, bucky wanted to do it, and he wanted to do it now. he took a step closer to you, "james buchanan barnes is my government official name, and bucky is short for buchanan. my ma used to call me that and all my friends do, only really one person called me james."

"james? james... has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

bucky eyes widened hearing you say that name, his mind immediately flashing to evie. he tried to bury all the similarities that you and she had. not wanting to compare you to her, but it was hard. you and she had the same laugh, the same smile, the same eye twinkle that made him fall to his knees. the same charm that pulled him to you. he felt like he was breaking seeing you fall down the same path as her but even further. he wanted to change that he wanted to change everything to do with her.

he wanted a do-over.

he shut his eyes, taking in some slow deep breaths, finally opening them up, flashing his signature smirk.

"yeah, doll, it does. yes, it does."

—— ❦ ——

you washed your face in the lukewarm sink water, feeling it wash over you. your make-up-- your mask, dispersing down the drain. you stared at the blank canvas of your face, feeling empty.

you and bucky got to talking while walking back. talking about what seemed to be the future with you two, but you didn't even know if that would happen.

a drug addict and a biker. if your parents would see you know they would laugh. it's deemed to be a misfortune. you knew you two would not have a good ending.

you snapped back to reality, hearing the sound of the blender crushing the organics and nutrients of fruits. you splashed more water over your face, trying to keep yourself sane. you tried to not even think about drugs after the three words incident. you knew this might lead to you drowning yourself in drugs next week, but you didn't care. you wanted to enjoy your last week with bucky and going back to brooklyn to see how this will end.

you walked out of the bathroom, stumbling into the bed. you were jumping your butt up and down, crushing your toosh into it. the bed was soft, and it felt old, made vintage-like. it made you nostalgic even though you never been here before.

thinking of the interior, you felt like everything was vintage, like homey. you studied it, seeing all the curves and bumps of the bed frame, the wooding pannel of the floor, which led you to the closet. the exterior was gasping, the whiteness complementing the rest of the room. you grasped onto the handles, contemplating on opening it up

you looked around, seeing if bucky was still making the smoothies, the sound of the blender came back on. you didn't want to be a snooper, but you were dying on seeing what's inside. you already saw the girl's clothing in the cabinets.

now what would be in the closet?

you took a deep breath opening up the closet. and what you saw made your eyes beamed up in glory. you saw bunches of dresses, from blue to white. it made your eyes light up. they were all so beautiful. each to its ruffles and patterns, you were jealous even thinking of another girl wearing these but thinking of how astounding they would look on her.

you were digging now. looking at each of the dresses, just admiring the uniqueness of them. you were a little rough with it, sliding one each by each down the poll mesmerized by all of its own until one dress fell onto the floor.

it was one of the most gorgeous ones of them all, the blue one. it shined brighter than the others, white ruffles outlining its rim. you felt like you just killed someone's baby by dropping it.

"fuck!" you cursed at yourself, scrambling to pick up the dress, scrambling, and scrambling, it seemed like you couldn't find the dress. you were all on fours, emerging yourself into the closet. you kept searching until your hands landed on something hard.

your eyes brows knitted closer to each other, clutching onto the object. you crawled your way out, seeing the blue dress on the way, sparkling at you like it was giving you a sign.

but this wasn't narnia.

you sat on your knees, observing the object.

it was a box.

a dirty one, in fact.

you blew off the dust, coughing as some entered your already damaged body system. you wiped the residue with your hands, trying to make sense of it.

E and J was all it said.

you opened it up, seeing many pictures of bucky...

and a girl.

she was stunning, her hair looked golden in all the pictures, matching her complexion, and her smile was the first thing you noticed about her. it struck your heart, making you quiver in jealousy but awe in admiration.

god, she was gorgeous, and she knew that. she flaunted herself in every picture, and that made you smile. her confidence really shined through, and it seemed so comforting?

but then you stumbled on pictures with her and bucky. which made you titled your head a little. who was she? and friend, a sibling, cousin?

you stumbled onto a picture of him and the girl kissing, his hands on her waist, grasping her with his whole life, her hands on his face, deep into the kiss that you could feel from here. you felt the emotion through that picture, ripping just a piece from your heart, you didn't want to jump to any conclusion, but it looked like they have been doing this forever.

it's like how he kisses you.

oh.

"y/n! the smoothie is ready, and i also made some pie!" bucky voice broke down the walls that you created, snapping you back to where you were.

you quickly put everything back, throwing the box right back in the closet, back in the darkness, and you slammed it shut. your mind was quiet, yet your body was otherwise. you connected the dots but didn't know how to interpret it.

is this her house? why did he bring you here? who even is she? has he brought her here before?you took a deep breath, sucking all those questions into the back of your mind. you closed your eyes and opened them back up with a smile plastered on your face, carved in and forced you.

you called back to him, "coming, buck."

© HQYLOFT