WARNINGS — smut, drug use, weight talk

desire and lust, the aching of each other touch, the strive for the other companionship. it makes you yearn for the rightful pleasure you deserve and weep when it's lost. a high additive and unexpectedly, dopamine seeping in your brain. the highs and lows of something better than drugs. keeping you off your toes, your mouth ajar, your eyes blinded. it's like you were off-planet, floating off the earth, not even feeling real. the building up of a bubble under you, wanting to be free, the gnaws and bites of someone dear to you. owning you, claiming you with the likes of them, not as a "property" as a partner.

you weren't new to this, no- but this. this was something new.

sweat dripped off your temples, your body mushed together, the closeness of each other, feeling up against each other.

bucky grasped onto your waist, pushing down on the mattress even more, your breath staggered, your stomach pushed in and out.

bucky breath hinged as you whimpered and moaned into his ears. his dick was deep into your pussy, a fully committed act, not like a one-night stand or anything. with every move, you were crying. you were sensitive, your bud only holding out for so long. the simulated sending waves up your spine, making your experience amplified by a thousand.

it was 1 a.m., and you two were at it like dogs. something about tonight made you closer.

it's been a week since you and bucky headed down to virgina, and you had to say it was one of the best- no, the best week of your life. it has consisted of morning sex, baking competitions, and late nights on the porch.

but if it was not any of that, it was just you and bucky getting to know each other more. bucky felt more connected to you this week. he felt like he could tell you everything about him. and he wanted to. but bucky had guilt, eating him on the inside.

bucky realized that he has taken you to the house that he and evie were going to grow old in. evie's grandparents left this estate to her, and she wanted to live there with bucky himself, but they never got the chance. and when she died, she left him this place. he was never able to step foot onto until that day he brought you down here.

he wanted the chance to tell you all about evie, but he felt like things were too good to be messed up with a drugged-up dead ex spirit floating around.

you, on the other hand, thought you were doing fine. not having to take the cocaine that whole week, but on the inside, you were struggling. every single time you would eat, you would have to throw it up cause your stomach couldn't contain all its contents. which didn't help the case of your weight loss. you wanted to stay healthy, trying to eat one bite at a time, but if it was a huge meal...

it would later be toilet mush.

you kept picking your skin, pulling your hair. your eyes were bugged out. you thought you looked hideous, sickly, but bucky didn't say anything. you tried to hide everything from bucky, waiting to puke when he's in the bathroom or eating when he's asleep. you didn't want him to see these tendencies that strip you of a being.

now on the third night there, you saw a pattern. every single time you had a tendency to snort some cocaine. you started kissing bucky, which leads ya'll to the bedroom, which leads to a full hour of sex.

you thought it was helping. seeing that it kept you calm and not picking yourself, but on the contrary, it was going make everything worse.

now you two were in this position. letting both of the pent-up frustration you both had on the inside out on each other.

"buck- i have-."

"shush, let it all out, doll."

and you listened to him, cumming one last time, as you both fell limp.

staggard breathing was the only thing filling the room, the silence after loads of screaming and pleasure. it was calming in a way, charming to say.

you caught your breath, turning your head, seeing bucky with his eyes close. he looked gorgeous, the sweat dripping down his temples slowly, creating a dewy effect on his face. his lips tinted pink and slightly ajar, which made your libido right up again. you shook your head, whispering, "i'm going to head to the bathroom."

bucky nodded as you got your sweat dripping body off the bed, the sheets peeling off your back. you skipped into the bathroom across from the bed. you looked over at bucky again before closing the door.

you took a deep sigh, scrambling your hands inside one of the draws. you look at the bag of death staring up at you. it drew you in like it was casting a magical spell on you to indulge in a short time of euphoria. you wanted to take it, you fucking wanted to, but you knew bucky was right outside that door, and you didn't want to look like a fool after not taking it for the whole week. it was slowly killing you inside, yes, but did you really need it?

you shook your head, walking to the bathtub. you turn on the fountain, water gushing down, filling up the tub with cold liquid.

your head was pounding with your own inner voices, screaming at you for what you did.

just fucking take it? who cares if you fucking overdose while bucky is resting. he'll just find you in the morning, then leave you here out of pity. he's doesn't even care. you see how he sees you.

"shut up," you whispered to yourself.

do as i say? you'll feel better, i promise.

"shut up," you whisper again, picking at your nails.

oh, you fucking addict. you know you won't survive like this? sex every day? making you even more pathetic than you already were.

"fine!" you quietly shouted under your breath. rushing over to the open cabinet, you grabbed open the white powder from inside. dumping it on the counter as the water keeps filling the tub.

you poured out a line, chopping it up with an used gift card from the trashcan.

your nose lowered, the fine line of white and elation entered your body. the cocaine turning into gold, seeping into your weak sober mind. your body felt hot, your mind felt amplified by a thousand, and you felt tired at the same time. you wanted to run and scream at the top of your lungs. you felt like a fucking alpaca, feeling like you could run a track race. at the same time, you felt like an astronaut on the moon, feeling everything was slow but fast at the same time.

as the water almost hit the top of the tub, you turned it off. you lowered your bare body right inside the cold water, feeling it immediately cooling you and your mind.

you lowered your head into the water. a calm reaching you, then closing your eyes, letting the water and darkness take you. your breath staggering as you kept your mouth and nose shut. you weren't trying to kill yourself, maybe hurt yourself a little. in your mind, life starts in the water and will end with water, and if you did accidentally killed yourself, then you found peace.

your headshot up from the water, feeling the skin of someone slipped in from behind you.

"hey! hey! doll, it's just me!"

you were heaving while bucky was saying words to calm you down. you took in a deep breath, "it's okay, it's only barnes," you thought to yourself.

you laid your body on bucky's chest. as both of your wet and bare bodies hugged each other in the cold water.

"you okay, doll," he strummed your hair, letting his finger gently run through it.

"yeah, why would you ask?"

bucky took a deep breath, "i know what you do to your body y/n. i'm not blind, the drug-taking, the sneaking around, the little nibbles and puking at night, it's hurting me, doll."

you stayed silent, the sound of the water sloshing, only making a chirp, tears raised to your eyes.

"when i first met you, and you snorted coke at my place, i wasn't worried. but now, your so fragile, i feel like if i even touch you, you will fall, i know you try, but i really want to help you doll. i want to be a part of your healing. i don't want you to get hurt."

tears slowly streamed down your face as you kept quiet. you knew you were damaging yourself, you didn't even know why, but could you even get better? were you already destined to die? it's not like you didn't want to eat, you fucking loved food, it was just like, if you didn't have cocaine, it's like you couldn't even function.

"i love you y/n, and i really want to care for you."

the room was silent after that. you weren't even crying anymore after hearing those three words from bucky's mouth. your mouth was ajar, you were numb, your movements were slurred. your mind was fuzzled from what was happening. you didn't even know what to think or say. you were blank.

only the water was sloshing, and the deep breaths from both of you.

the tension was killing barnes. he was waiting for you to say something- anything! he almost thought you were dead until you spoke.

"let's just go to bed, bucky, please."

bucky took a deep breath, stroking your face once more.

"alright, doll, anything for you."

© HQYLOFT