It has been a little over a month since I've gave birth. I was released exactly three days after but my baby had to stay. Even though I was almost full term, Zaire was still consider a preemie, so they kept him for a little while to be sure. Instead of going back to my house in Hempstead I came home, so my mama can show me some stuff. Im heading home soon though because school starts in a couple weeks. I'm already dreading it only because of my major. Computer Science is not for the weak. I won't be attending in class sessions until Zai is about five to six months though. Kai and I decided to rotate. The days she doesn't have to go to campus, she'll have Zai and I'll be on campus. I need to talk to Bri though because I think I want to graduate early. That way I can focus on raising my baby and my business.

It was around 5 in the morning and I was in the kitchen fixing both Zaire's and Sorayá's bottle. I was already downstairs fixing Zai's but I heard Sorayá on the baby monitor. So I just took the initiative to make hers as well. I shook both of them up and placed them in the bottle warmer for about fifty seconds. The timer beeped and I grabbed both bottles making my way up stairs.

This mommy thing is not so bad, I have my days but I know I have to push through. I stopped in SoSo's room, placed the bottles on the side table and walked into my room. I threw a burping blanket over my shoulder and picked up my baby. I smiled and shook my head. I grabbed his pacifier and walked out.

I don't know how I did it but I did it. I had both SoSo and Zai in my arms feeding them. SoSo was little bigger than Zaire but I had it. I was sitting in the rocking chair that was placed by So's crib. Her little greedy butt finished first. I positioned Zai on my lap and laid SoSo on my shoulder so I could burp her. I patted her back a few times before I heard her let out a loud burp.

"Woah mama." I laughed and she gave me a gummy grin. I pushed her pacifier in her mouth—laying her in my arm.

"Keria!" I shook my head because that was nobody other than my daddy yelling. I grabbed the baby monitor the best way I could and pressed the mic button.

"I'm in SoSo's room." I placed the monitor back and began slowly rocking back and forth in the chair. I heard foot steps and looked up seeing my daddy walking in the room. He stretched and scratched his stomach. He made his way to the bathroom I'm assuming to wash his hands. He returned a min later and grabbed Zai for my lap.

"You knew he was woke?"

I shook my head as my daddy grabbed his bottle. "No and you know he's quiet so, you'll never know."

"Lay her down and go back to sleep. I got lil man." I nodded my head and stood up. I laid SoSo down in her crib and pulled the blanket up halfway. I walked out the room and made my way down the hall to mine. My daddy talking about go back to sleep when I haven't slept in a month. I've been having nightmares and I don't think my parents know. I try not to sleep longer than a hour.

When I do sleep longer than a hour, I wake up breathing hard—drowned in my sweat. It's a different nightmare every time. One minute I got the gun and then the next Jaylen has the gun turned on me. He shoots me and then turns the gun on hisself like the coward he is. As the days go by, I wonder what went wrong? Like how did we end up here? I shook my head and walked into my bathroom. I plugged the tub and the turned the hot water on. Going under the cabinet, I grabbed the bag of calm and serenity epson salt—pouring a half of cup in the tub.

I returned to my room and grabbed my phone along with my speaker. I connected my phone and shook my head. Bey's Broken-Hearted Girl flowed through. Walking into the bathroom, I stripped from my night gown. My hair was already up in a messy bun so I stepped into the tub and submerged my body into the water. I brung my knees up to my chest and closed my eyes.

"You're the only one I wish I could forget. The only one I love to not forgive. And though you break my heart, you're the only one. Though there are times when I hate you, cause I can't erase the times that you hurt and put tears on my face." I belted out the lyrics and dropped my head between my legs.

"I don't wanna be without you, babe I don't want a broken heart. Don't wanna take a breath without you, babe. I don't want to play that part. I know that I love you, but let me just say. I don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no, no." This is the first time I've cried since the incident. You fucked me up with this one Jaylen. Like how could you. After everything we've been through? I shook my head. Maybe the love has been fading and I'm just now realizing it. Wish I would've saw the signs sooner. I hate me and my baby had to get in hurt in the process.

"I don't want a broken heart. And I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl. No, no, no broken-hearted girl. I'm no broken-hearted girl." I felt that wholeheartedly, because I refuse to let this break me. I know it's not gonna be easy and I'm going to have my days but I won't let it break me. I got bigger fish to fry.

After sitting in tub for about forty mins, I unplugged it and stepped out. I pulled a small towel from the rack and stepped into shower. I turned the shower on and wait until it was hot enough before I lathered up my towel in my Dove shea butter body wash. I washed up for about twenty minutes. I didn't want to stay in there too long. My skin was already looking crazy. I stepped under the water and rinsed off. As I was stepping out, I pulled my big towel from the hook and dried off—wrapping it around me once I finished. I grabbed my speaker and turned it off.

Walking into my room, I jumped once I saw my mama sitting up against my head board with Zai and SoSo laying beside each other. "What are you doing in here?"

"I heard you, are you okay?" She asked as she pushed So's paci back in her mouth. I sighed and shook my head. I knew this question was coming sooner or later. I took a sports bra, underwear and some shorts from my dresser. I went into my closet ignoring the question on purpose. I put my clothes on and walked back out. I threw the towel into my basket, sprayed on some deodorant and rubbed my body down in shea butter.

"I asked you a question Za'Keria."

I leaned against my dresser and folded my arms across my chest. "What am I supposed to say? Lie and say I'm okay? I'm not okay and it's going to take me a while to get back to myself. I can't sleep, I'm not eating and I'm trying so hard to be okay because my baby needs me but mama I'm not okay. I'm hurting and I don't know what to do. I don't care about the relationship itself, it's the fact that person I love tried to harm me and my unborn. Mama he tired to kill me! He tried to kill me!"

At this point I'm in full blown tears. I dropped to the floor and just cried. I was crying so hard my shoulders shook. I let out a gut wrenching scream.

"Dakari!" I heard my mama yell for my daddy. I jumped once I felt her touch me. I looked at her through my cloudy vision. She cuffed my face.

"God. My baby, my sweet baby." She got off her knees and sat up against the dresser pulling me into her lap. She removed the bun from my hair and started rubbing her fingers through my scalp.

"He sees the tears you cry. He shares your pain inside, and sometimes you wonder why he allows you to go through what you go through. Just know he has his hands on you." She started singing He Has His Hands On You x Marvin Sapp and I started crying even harder if I could.

"Your days are filled with dark clouds, even when the sun is out and from the top of your lungs you shout. Will there ever be a change, what shall I do? Just know he has his hands on you. He has his hands on you. He says he'll see you through. When you cry, he's holding you. So just lift your hands up high for he will provide. Just know he has his hands on you."

Between my mama rubbing her fingers through my scalp and her singing, I don't know what was soothing me the fastest.

🙌🏾

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