I'm shaking so bad. Apparently, all of you are standing on the porch. I walk over with the deputies. Oh look. Your stepmommy is there. "You can't enter this property without a warrant. I have my attorney on speed dial. You will not enter here without a warrant."

Honey what do you think we have? Not a warrant but a court document signed by the judge stating that your foolish family owes me money and I will get it one way or another. Sheriff sales are legal by the way. Is it really worth getting arrested? The deputy has stated probably six times that you will be arrested if you don't move.

"Who are you?" "I don't have to tell you that." The urge to butt in and say "That's their stepmom, Jennifer." was sooo strong. But I bit my tongue.

"But we never had our fair chance in court! They didn't even look at our evidence! She brought all these documents and the judge looked at her stuff but not ours!"

"Why didn't you appeal?"

"Because Kellie broke her ankle and she needed surgery and she's 6 or 7 months pregnant! We didn't have time!"

But you had time to tell your attorney that you wanted to make a fake agreement?

"WE DON'T OWE YOU ANY MONEY!!"

"WE DIDN'T TAKE OUT THE LOAN! IT WAS HER AND HER GRANDFATHER!"

But you threatened my aunt because she said no and made me get the loan. We wouldn't have been able to get the house without the loan.

Okay! Let's get the process started! All the items are on the porch. You don't think I'll legally be able to enter the property and sell your items. You threw everything on the porch to keep me out. Of course you flipped the furniture with shitty stuff from Jen's cat piss barn out in the country side! The nice couches? Gone! The nice lamp I thought I was getting? Gone! Did you really think I was dumb enough to want to take your old matresses from the previous house? Honey that one has a massive hole in it from where the dogs ate it. They all reek of piss and shit and vomit from the dogs.

"BUT YOU TOLD US WE HAD TO PUT THEM OUT FOR HER SO WHY ISN'T SHE TAKING THEM!"

"Because she legally has the right to say what she does and does not want to take."

The 55inch television tag is now on a tube TV that is MAYBE 48 inches most. I'm not taking that. Mattresses, nope. The broken nasty lamp? Nope. The barstools from my uncle, yes. The televisions and Firestick, yes. Wow! The deputy is really marking up these items. This dining room table that is busted is definitely not worth $220 but whatever. I'll do as I please with everything!

Okay so you failed to meet your total with the items on the porch. Time to go inside!

"I do have three exemptions but everything else in the house is up for grabs. The dining room table is property of this lady, the dresser is the baby's, and you can't take the sister's bed because she's 6-7 months pregnant and I'm not going to make a pregnant lady sleep on the floor."

Fine by me. I don't want the nasty mattresses anyway.

"There is a five year old child in there."

I know. I don't fucking care. I want my stuff. Screw the whole family. I already said I'm not taking anything out of the child's room.

Alright I've been on camera from fake mommy's phone the whole time, can we get this process started? Let's go! Okay the house is exactly as I remember it but emptier. Your fat sister (I think the pregnancy is a joke and she's honestly just lying to keep her stuff) is sitting on a folding chair with her broken ankle in a cast.

I want that lamp.

On to the dining room as I tune out the ogre's hysterical comments. But wait! I can't because the toddler is in there. I have to wait until they move him to a different room. Common sense says put him in his bedroom upstairs as I already stated I wouldn't take anything of the child's. He's with his grandfather, put them both up there for the time being. Nope! Instead, let's be idiots and shove the two of them into a tiny cramped bathroom just off the kitchen and make them hide in there for the next 30 minutes as I search the house. I'm surprised you didn't lock him in the basement the way you neglected him when I was with you!

I want the toaster oven and this nice wall art! That will look nice in my dorm!

"Hope you enjoy my toaster oven! I cooked some fire pizzas in there. Some bomb ass pizzas. Some fire ass food."

Okay we get it chubs, you eat alot of frozen pizza. Your 400+lbs frame shows it. Let's move on to the kitchen.

I want this vegetable cart.

Upstairs time! The moment I've been waiting for! Let's hit your sister's bedroom first. I want the collectible figures.

"Those are the baby's. You know he plays with them."

Lies. Whatever. Keep them. Ill take the nightstand and the bookshelf then!

Oh the screams of the ogre from downstairs as she realized I'm taking her nightstand. Weird that her bed isn't on that nice white and brown frame you had when I lived there!

"MY NIGHTSTAND! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF BED! I'M PREGNANT WITH A BROKEN ANKLE!"

Roll you whale. Roll.

Your bedroom now! You know that unhinged Goofy meme where it says "I'll do it again"? That's how I felt taking your bedframe for the second time! *blows kisses* Suck it!

"I want that bed frame"

Your new white trash girlfriend that is yet another spitting image of your sister but 200lbs lighter: "I can call my mommy right now. The bed and blankets are mine. I can call her right now to tell you that they are mine!"

The deputy: "She said the bed frame not the bed and blankets"

The harpy getting increasingly upset: "BUT THE BED AND BLANKETS ARE MINE SO YOU CAN'T HAVE THOSE BECAUSE I CAN CALL MY MOMMY RIGHT NOW AND SHE WILL TELL YOU THAT THEY ARE MINE!!!!!"

"I don't want the nasty mattress, I want the bed frame."

My dad told me you flung that off the front porch and onto the sidewalk. It's going to the scrap yard anyway. I just wanted it to screw you over!

But did you know the deputy gave me permission to enter the attic? Remember what's up there? Let's go! All your precious baseball figures, your football collector cards, your signed Mets ball, your priceless sports memories that you loved so dearly and clearly forgot about when you moved. Mine, mine, mine! Oh, and I found your bong! The deputy thought that was hilarious! He told me to take it!

Now lets tear apart your room. I want those Playstations. Lingerie bin? Okay fine with me I'll sort through it and find....TWO NINTENDO SWITCH CONTROLLERS! Plastic drawer unit, I'll sort through that too and get...POKEMON CARDS! An envelope of cash? Really? And you couldn't pay me back?

Harpy: THAT ENVELOPE ISN'T JIMMIE'S IT'S MINE! IT'S NOT FOR HIM YOU CAN'T TAKE IT!

I want the cards dumbass. Shut up and go clean the litterbox that you have on the carpet in the closet. Nasty ass weirdos. Greasy ass hair and all. I'll root through your drawers and his and find the NINTENDO SWITCH JOYCONS, THE NINTENDO 3DS, THE CASE FOR THE 3DS, AND THE SWITCH CASE! Mine! Mine! Mine! Oh and I'll snag those Funko Pop!s on my way out too.

What does your sister say as I descend the stairs?

"blah blah blah THAT PCYHO BITCH NEEDS TO BE PUT INTO A FUCKING MENTAL ASYLUM BECAUSE SHE'S INSANE!"

Yeah. I'm the crazy one. I haven't said vulgar comments about your appearance at all even though I've thought them. Let's run through some of the comments Lord Farquaad, Chubs, and Ogre said to me and my friends/family as we peacefully took the items and loaded them into the two pickup trucks and my minivan.

"Damn she's really hung up on you Jimmie."

"Why can't she just leave Jimmie alone?"

"Look. Her meatball hoagie looking ass father is here."

"None of these people she brought can enter the house but her right?"

"None of these people have anything to do with this."

"I bet she can't even see what she's doing with that lazy eye of hers."

"Look! She's not wearing her eye patch today!" *monkey sounds from the excited crowd*

"Those are worth alot of money!"

"Damn she don't even know what that is!"

"Oh look she took *insert bong's name here*! Damn. There he goes Jim!" Lord Farquaad: "It doesn't even work! Hope you enjoy it!"

(There were alot of other comments that my friends/family heard that I chose to ignore because I lived with those comments for how long, I learned to tune them out. Also, some of them were alot more vulgar than I feel like listing in this story.)

One last run through the house, I'll take that knife set too and now I'm done!

"THAT'S A TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR KNIFE SET!"

But three are missing.

As soon as I step on the porch with the deputies, I spot my ex on the other side vaping. His new toy comes rushing out.

"Has anybody seen my boyfriend? I haven't seen him in forever."

"Oh, you mean your fiancé?"

"Oh yeah! My fiancé!"

As a powerful, strong, independent woman once sang "Even if the stars and moon collide, I never want you back into my life. You can take your words and all your lies. I really don't care."

Just because I'm not flaunting my boyfriend doesn't mean I don't have one. The rings on my left hand? From him. The necklace I'm wearing? From him. More than you ever gave me! So you can try and upset me all you want with your comment and non existent ring, it isn't going to work. I genuinely don't give a crap about you, your sister, her boyfriend, your new girlfriend, your step mommy, your dad, any of the people involved. Screw off. Also, I hope the harpy likes you enough to spoil you so you can then dump her and get into this situation all over again. I wonder what ever happened to Chelsea, you know, the girl you put on the lease and moved in less than 24 hours after I moved out? Her name was still on the lease as of April in court but your new girlfriend, Chloe, is living with you. I wonder how that's going! Have fun! Listen to Cowboy Casanova, sweetheart. And drown your sorrows in his cheap beer!

Whatever. Process is over. You tried telling the deputy that the Funko Pop!s are worth $50 a piece. I showed him they are $15. Fools. Go crawl back into you empty home. Actually, I didn't even take half the stuff that I should have because I didn't want to pad the total more than the deputies were.

"WAIT THAT BALL IS WORTH A LOT OF MONEY! IF SHE MAKES MORE THAN WHAT YOU LIST THE ITEMS ON THE SHEET FOR, DO WE GET MONEY BACK?!"

Are you serious? How stupid can you be?

Okay! Everything is all loaded up! I've dealt with so many comments from the lot of you and it's mentally worn me down. I even inquired privately with the deputies about getting an order of protection since you are all on drugs and have an unregistered illegal handgun in the house. They loved hearing that. Especially since there is a child at the home.

Let's see how much I can get for this pile of piss soaked crap!