Well this is shorter than I expected.. Oh well.

So hope you enjoy it and sorry for the wait.

Mama is getting a little tired right now.. it's 6AM and her bed is calling to her! lol

Enjoy! :D

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I didn’t turn back. I should have turned back, I wanted to turn back but I couldn’t turn back. Turning back meant facing him and I couldn’t face him, not after saying those things to him, not after hearing him saying those things to me.

I couldn’t believe I had screamed at him that way and said those things. I couldn’t believe everything that had just happened.

And it was my fault because I hadn’t called. I had forgotten to call, that’s why Kendal had been there. But in a way, wasn’t it just better for me to know she was there, know about her? Wasn’t it better to know?

The whole him dating her still completely baffled me. What the hell was up with that? What the hell was up with everything? And why had I freaked out so much. I should have calmed down, breathed a few times, sit down and think things through. Why did I have to over think everything but then freak and not think at all? There was something obviously wrong with me.

And I was mad at Blake but I was even more furious with myself.

Had I screwed up everything? I had, hadn’t I?

It took me almost an hour to get back home. I had to stop many many times by the side of the road to control my choking sob and never ending tears.

And when I did get home, dad completely freaked out but I didn’t want to explain it, didn’t want to talk about it, I couldn’t talk about it. Talking about it just made me realize how freaking stupid I was!

But why couldn’t he had just told me on the phone last night? Why couldn’t he have told me it was Kendal that was there. Okay I still probably would have freaked but at least I would have had time to process things just a bit more.

But it didn’t make things completely alright though. Because Blake had dated his brother’s girlfriend and that was wrong in my mind. I couldn’t understand that. And she had been in his room, in a freaking bathrobe and wasn’t it normal to freak a bit if the guy’s ex walked out of his bathroom, almost naked?

And to top it all off the girl had been a total bitch. What kind of girl was that? Was that the kind of girl Blake liked? That were complete and utter bitches? If that’s what Blake wanted I couldn’t be that…

I locked myself up in my room, and basically just cried. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself because in a way what had happen was my fault, I had freaked, but I couldn’t help it. Maybe if Blake had explained, maybe if I hadn’t been shouting, things would have gone differently. But I hadn’t and they hadn’t.

And it hurt, it hurt so much because I loved Blake. I loved him but at the same time I was so angry at him and disappointed. I just wanted to punch something and curl into a little ball and cry all the tears in my body at the same time.

This sucked!

This sucked because it felt like breaking up with Alex again. Okay it was completely different but kind of the same at the same time. Because with Alex I had been aware that we weren’t going well, that he wasn’t the one, deep down I know that I knew that. But with Blake everything was perfect and floating-on-a-cloud worthy! But both had been a freaking bitch-slap in the face.

And I hated this, hated to feel this way again, to feel worse!

Dad knocked at my door multiple time, Tyler too. Daphnee came over but I didn’t let her in. Alex called, Vanessa called but I didn’t answer to anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, anyone but him. My heart skipped a beat every time my cellphone rang, but when it wasn’t him I didn’t care.

And it was stupid, so so very stupid because I could call him, I could go back to his house and maybe we could fix everything but pride wouldn’t let me do it. Pride over the fact that the stupid bitch was probably still there. I had expected so much from Blake, I expected more from Blake then having girls in his bedroom like that. Maybe it was wrong of me to do so, but it just was the way it was.

And I was incoherent in my head and I cried to a point where I didn’t really have tears anymore, I just had my face squished and I was so exhausted and sad and completely desperate and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and forget about ever knowing Blake.

I didn’t go to the football game that night, obviously, and pretty much stayed locked up in my room all weekend long, only coming out to get myself something to eat.

All I did was stay curled up in my bed with my cellphone in my hands writing texts to Blake but deleting them before sending, wearing his dark blue t-shirt, the one I had kept after our morning waking up together.

And I cried.

And to top it all off, my runny crying nose turned into a sore throat. After being thrown in a pond and walking around in wet clothes four almost four days I had obviously gotten a cold.

All I wanted was a freaking time machine so I could go back in time… and what? Tell myself to not go in his room? He still would have dated Kendal… Go back in time to tell myself to never talk with Blake in the first place? That was unbearable to even imagine. I couldn’t picture a life without Blake but wasn’t it what was happening right now? I wished for the time machine so I could go back in time and tell Blake to never date Kendal.

Hadn’t he said once that he hadn’t loved her enough? The only girl he had dated? Thay they were meant to be friends and nothing more? With that thought in mind it was a little easier to not want to murder Blake for dating his dead brother’s girlfriend, but it still angered me, angered me so much!

The whole situation was just completely ridiculous!

I just wanted for things to go back and be perfect like the last day at the camp. Waking up to Blake’s face, kissing Blake, holding his hand, feeling his heart beat under my fingertips…

All I wanted was for Blake to call me and say he was sorry and say he didn’t care one bit for Kendal, that he thought she was an annoying bitch or something and then I could tell him how so very sorry I was and I could tell him I loved him like I had been writing in my unsent texts all weekend long.

But he never called or texted or appeared at my bedroom window.

And on Monday when I had a slight hope to see him and maybe talk, he wasn’t at school. And I was pissed because the only reason I had gotten my crying sick self out of my room was to see him. But he wasn’t there.

On Tuesday he was there though. But when I tried to go and talk to him in the halls he just stared at me blankly and walked away. And just like that anger surpassed my longing for him and I wanted to punch him again.

Daph and Alex tried to say something, to cheer me up but I was barely aware of their presence. I just felt numb and out of it.

Wednesday, after sleeping with his t-shirt on, holding his grey hoodie the missing surpassed the anger again and I tried to go to him again but he did the same thing. So anger came flashing back again.

That evening after school thought, my hope of talking with Blake suddenly rose when Tyler screamed from downstairs while I was in my room, “Someone’s here to see you!”

I rushed downstairs to find… Josh standing by the front door.

I sulked a bit seeing him. I had hoped for someone else, of course.

And what the hell was Josh doing at my door? Was he looking for his cat?

“Come on, we’re going for a ride” he just said, standing by the doorstep sighing.

I don’t know why, but I grabbed my jacket on the hook by the door, slipped in my shoes and followed him. I hadn’t even asked my father or anything, I just followed him. I was going mad I think…

“What? No dragon?” I tried to joke when I saw his car, a silver Audi actually.

I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on? Was he kidnapping me? Technically it wasn’t kidnapping if I had accepted to go with him. Would he bring me to see Blake? That’s basically all I really wanted, even though I was still in the “pissed at Blake” state. After sleeping in his clothes with his smell around me I would miss him again either way.

I really was a glutton for punishment, wasn’t I?

“You’ve been too naughty to get a ride on my dragon” Josh answered me, unlocking the doors.

I tried to laugh, to show some kind of sentiment but the feelings just weren’t there anymore. I was just tired of everything.

The car ride was silent, especially after I realized we were going on the right road to go to Blake’s house. I just stared outside, not so sure as to why I was here. Sure Josh was amusing and Daph kinda had a crush on him and he on her but I hadn’t accepted to talk with Daph or Alex. Why was I following Josh god knew where?

After a not so long car drive we finally parked in front of a big park surrounded by a forest and then Josh got out so I followed his lead.

“This was my mother’s favourite park…” Josh started to explain as we walked side by side “Have I ever told you she was a photograph…” I shook my head. He might have mentioned it at one point, but my mind wasn’t really thinking lately “ya… My parents, they met at one of her exposition. My father he had this little infatuation, well more like big infatuation on her and he came up to her, trying to impress her I guess by explaining to her what he thought all her pictures meant, their deep meaning and all and when he asked her what it really meant she looked at him, trying not to laugh and said “Well I was just walking one day and I saw this coin on the ground and thought “Hey that would make a pretty picture” and it did so I took more” He had looked like a fool. He wasn’t used to that. You know my father was this all achieving student, he rocked all his class and he had, still has a pretty big ego.”

We both stopped walking as a kid rang right in front of us, and another followed suit, chasing him.

And then we kept on walking and Josh kept on talking, “So my dad hadn’t made the impression he wanted. But my mom had found it cute, and of course my dad had felt this sort of thrill from being put down his pedestal. But nothing really happened because they didn’t exchange number or anything. Until my mother went to a lecture at the University my father was at. It was about the restoration of some old unimportant art piece. My father was giving it. He was an all achieving student after all. But the minute he saw her he started to screw up his speech.” Josh took a pause and a smile formed on his lips “That’s definitely something I would have wanted to see. Anyway, at the end he went to talk to her. In my version of the story he begged her like one of those obnoxious dogs to go to dinner with him. And because my mom was just an awesome human being she accepted. Even though she was a cat person. Cats are awesome.”

I couldn’t help but laugh silently at the way he said it.

“So yippidi yippida, fast forward a few years later, they got married, loved each other deeply and had awesome Josh here. And then my mother died. Shot by some burglar in this park.” I tried not to gasp when he said that.

His mom had died here? But it was so pretty? With the trees changing colours , surrounded by forest, swinging chairs and sandboxes for the kids further away. Trails everywhere to walk in. It was hard to believe someone had died in this place.

“There’s a lot of stray cats that hang around here and my mother loved to take pictures of them since she loved them so. She was working on this big exposition with only cats in it, but it wasn’t cats the way she was presenting them, anyway it was brilliant but she never finished it. She died. And I was sent to live with the Eaton and when I came home to my dad, this lady kept coming over, staying late. She was always there and I wanted her gone and I wanted my mom back but she never left and my mom never came back.”

At this point we had reach a spot with a picnic table and Josh sat on the table, his feet on the seat and I sat beside him.

“After that, when I was old enough to be aware of things, I needed something, I needed to know my father had loved my mother. He replaced her so quickly. I was young but it was still painful and I couldn’t understand it. And many years after I still couldn’t. Why would he do that? He had loved my mother. And the woman he married, the woman he had my step-sister with, she had known my mom, very very well, they were like super close, best-friends actually. Almost sisters. I couldn’t understand it. Why the fuck had they done this to my mom? How could they disrespect her that way and so quickly to top it all of?”

Wow. Was he making this story up? Because I felt like I understood his point of vu perfectly right now.

“But you want to know why they did?” He didn’t wait for my answer. “They needed someone to hold onto her with them. Someone that knew her, someone that wouldn’t mind hearing stories after stories about her because they had both loved her. Differently yes, but they had loved her. They had needed someone to help them cope the loss, someone that would understand it, someone that felt pain over the loss, someone that they could share that pain with, and even sometimes someone that hurt more then them. It’s weird to say and it’s hard to explain if you haven’t lived it, but it’s just the way things work sometimes. I know if there was this girl out there who knew everything about my mom, I would want to be around her all the time to hear about my mother so I can understand the feeling to an extant and that’s why I accepted it at one point. That I understood why they did it.”

I couldn’t look at him as he explained those things, only look forward. My eyes were actually glued on a cat walking a dozen of feet away from us. Had his mom seen this cat? Probably not, it would be too old…

“And just like my father and step-mother, Kendal and Blake, they needed someone to hold on to Jayden with them. And they were both in a really shitty place emotionally, psychologically. From what I grasp Kendal never forgave herself for Jayden’s death, just like Blake. And in that particular period Blake was… well Blake was a real mess I tell you. It wasn’t pretty…. It was… I mean” Josh sighed running his hand on his face, a gesture Blake sometime did. When Blake did it, it was hotter… just because it was Blake probably though.

“He was in a really bad place and he needed someone that would listen to him and Kendal always had. And she needed someone that felt shittier then her, because she never got over Jayden and she never will, she will always be miserable. But unlike my father and step-mom, they never would have ended up together. Because Blake is not Jayden. He never was. Jayden could be a serious pain in my ass. Jayden was a little bitch sometimes. And Kendal was the only one that could really handle him. Those two were perfect for each other. But Blake was not like that. Blake is not like that. Blake’s the quiet kid, whatever he wants to let people believe, whatever he does he will always be the quiet little artsy kid, that’s who he is.”

My heart clenched thinking of Blake.

“And this shouldn’t be my story to tell and he never told me what I’m about to tell you but I know that kid better than I know myself sometimes so I’m going to tell you this little secret. If Blake could go back in time he wouldn’t be with Kendal again. He regretted it, from the moment he was with her he regretted it, he felt like the biggest asshole in the world and the worse brother. But just stopping things right away would have made the whole thing futile.”

“But why did he do it then” I exclaimed. I wanted to cry again, I think I was crying actually. Well my nose was definitely running but I was blaming my stupid cold. “Why couldn’t he have thought about it first, thought about it thoroughly before doing something he’d regretted” Couldn’t he have thought? I was always over thinking. Couldn’t he have just thought?

Josh sighed and looked at me with a somewhat wise expression. “You’re expecting a lot from a person grieving. From a person feeling a sense of desperation that let’s them do anything because they hate themselves so much, they can’t stand themselves and they want to punish themselves. He made a mistake. People, humans make mistakes.”

“Alright but that doesn’t change the fact that she was in his room getting out of the shower and she was a total bitch to me” I said in a pathetic almost whiny voice and I was definitely crying right now.

Just thinking about all of it made me cry.

“Well, okay technically that should make you piss at her not Blake. But anyway, ya bad communication on both part alright? And I’m sure that if you went up to her right now she would apologize for her behaviour. She’s actually the one who called me to say what had happened and for me do something about Blake first and she wanted to come and talk to you but I suggest it would be wiser if I went. And if it can make you happy, I met her for the first time too and I prefer you” He smiled at that, hitting my shoulder playfully with his own.

That didn’t really make me feel all that better though. Maybe that bitch had an agenda or something…

Josh sighed again. “He’s miserable Lexi. I think he’s slept four hours over the past few days and ran over a hundred miles on his damn treadmill. He’s going to kill himself. You made him god damn happy again, you were bringing back the little kid I grew up with. You know, the only thing Blake got from grieving, from losing his brother was that loving someone meant getting hurt and that however happy you were you always get crushed in the end. What I got though from the people I lost is that every moment is precious and you shouldn’t be wasting them because they are fleeting. I couldn’t make Blake see that, but for the last few weeks I actually thought we were finally going somewhere with him.”

And the tears were spilling up again and my hair was going crazy in my face because of the wind.

“Look, Blake and Kendal, they shared Jayden. I was close with Jay but never like them, Jay never confided in me the way he did with those two, they knew everything in his head, his deep thoughts and darkest secrets. So you and I, we can’t really understand what they went through because they lost a part of themselves. But Blake, Blake I know everything about that damn kid, and I know that you know more than you can possibly imagine about him. So we share him. And I don’t want to lose another brother just yet and in the hopes of not having to remake the history and for you and I to end up together, I mean don’t take it wrong I like you Lexi but you’re not my type” he said with a smile.

I half smiled. “You like them blonde and hippie”