I was weak.

A coward.

"Just one more step." I willed myself to take the last step, the one step separating me and her.

It had been more than a week already since I had last heard the voices. They had gone away just like they had come, unannounced.

But I wasn't glad even though that's what I had wanted for my whole life.

I found myself craving their presence. I wanted them back.

Because I had finally realized, insanity was a blessing in disguise.

It allowed me live a life without

guilt. It allowed me to be ignorant of my sins.

It allowed me to be sane.

And now that I was finally me, I no longer recognized myself.

I could no longer recognize the man I had become, the monster I had turned into, the path of sins I left behind.

And as I stood before the gates of cemetery, I was afraid she wouldn't recognize me either.

That she would hate what I had become.

She would detest me for not keeping my promise even though she was the one to break them first.

She would loathe me for hurting her children, for ruining the angel she died for.

But I knew I had to do this.

I had to stand accountable for the crimes I committed, no matter how unwilling I was.

Taking the last step, I entered the cemetery, walking to where her grave was.

The tombstone was clean, a fresh bouquet of orchids already lying there, making me wonder who had visited.

Stephen was too busy ostracizing my downfall, Diego wasn't home. Ezra didn't even have the time to sleep with how stressed he was about finding a cure to save me.

Noah and Eve both were holed up in their rooms, grieving, even though I was yet to die.

And Kai, well, he just didn't give a fuck.

I knelt before Selene's grave, shifting the flowers to the side so I could place the bouquet of orchids I had brought instead.

"I'm going to meet her today." I confessed.

The silence that followed was deafening. It made me wonder why I was so adamant on chasing after it until now.

"They named her Lili." I shared, realizing how so many years had passed and I never bothered to tell her about it. "It's short for Aylin."

A droplet of water fell, creating a wet patch on the smooth graphite.

I looked up realizing it had started raining.

A part of me was glad.

Glad that nature decided to help me out. To camouflage my tears, to let me pretend I was resilient.

"I don't know what to ask forgiveness for." I admitted.

Do I ask forgiveness for all the things I never became?

Or the things I did?

Do I ask forgiveness for disappointing my thirteen year self?

For breaking the vow my naive self had once swore.

For becoming a father even worse than my own.

"You will understand, won't you?" It was a plea, a prayer, a last desperation of a dying man.

"I never understood what she saw in you." A familiar voice spoke from behind me.

"I knew you were bad news since the start." He mused. "But the stupid girl never really listened to me."

I turned around, my eyes colliding with hazel ones, identical to my Selene.

But the vengeance, hatred and bitterness it carried was something my Selene never had.

"Sean." I acknowledged. He was Selene's fraternal twin. He always was against us.

He hated the fact that his twin sister would choose to live her life with an unstable man.

"Thank you." It had been a while since I had seen him. "For looking out for Diego."

Even though we weren't supposed to play favourites as parents, we broke the rule regardless. Selene, more so.

She denied it when asked but it wasn't exactly a secret that Diego was her favorite.

Sean followed her steps, deciding to save him from my claws. He encouraged him to join the army like him. And despite the risks it entailed, I was grateful to Sean for showing Diego hope of a better life.

"Someone had to." He scoffed. "You should have given her to me, too, if you hated her that much."

I wondered why I didn't. I should have just agreed when he had demanded Aylin's custody.

He would have kept her happy, raised her better than I had.

"I heard you have been diagnosed with cancer?" He inquired.

"Brain tumor." I nodded. "I don't have much time left. Two months at most."

Something akin to pity flickered in his eyes. "Diego got married last month." He shared.

I wanted to laugh at the turn of events. The child who had once looked up to me so much didn't even bother to share something so important to me anymore.

"Do me a favor." I requested, getting up to leave. "Tell Diego I'm sorry. Tell him it wasn't his fault."

Sean nodded, walking away.

He died during a mission a month later, his body too mutilated for anyone to even recognize.

In the end, he never did manage to convey the message.

... ... ...

"Lili." I spoke, reaching her. She was sitting in one of steel chairs, the room empty except the guard observing our exchange.

Aylin stayed quiet, not even raising her head to look at me.

"Lili?" I repeated, hoping she hadn't heard me the last time and wasn't intentionally ignoring me.

When she still stayed quiet, I decided not to bother her anymore and instead occupied the empty chair beside her.

We sat in silence for the next thirty minutes. She was intently playing with the bracelet in her wrist, adamant on ignoring my presence beside her.

I sighed, my mind screaming at me to leave, to stop making her uncomfortable.

But my heart refused. I wanted to stay, a little longer even if it made her uneasy.

"Will you take me back home now?" She asked when the visiting time neared it's end.

"No." Not yet.

She nodded, despair overtaking her features.

I wanted to tell her it wasn't as easy as it seemed, that it wasn't upto me to decide.

And all I needed was a month and I would get her out of here. But I didn't want to make that promise, knowing my track record at keeping them wasn't really praiseworthy.

"How is Kai?"

I didn't understand why she insisted on asking the same question every time I visited. Because no matter what I responded, she would become sad.

If I said he's fine, she would conclude Kai no longer loved her, didn't miss her and become sad.

If I said he's miserable, she would blame herself for being the cause, for hurting him, for stealing his chance at happiness and become sad.

And if I stayed silent, she would conjure a much more worse theory in her mind and become even more sad.

"He's fine." I answered. Over the years I had realized this was the response that made her the least dejected.

"He asked me about you." I lied. Kai hadn't talked to me once in the last six years. He wouldn't even spare me a glance, much less say something to me.

"He asked me if you were doing okay." I added, hoping that would make her less broken hearted.

She raised her head to look at me, silently studying my expression before looking down again, crestfallen.

"Lying doesn't suit you." She sighed, looking down at her shoes.

"My birthday is in three months." Aylin mumbled. "Can you bring him to meet me? Just once?"

"No."

"Oh." She turned pale at my blatant rejection. "Can I talk to him then? Just for five minutes."

"Two minutes is fine too." She quickly compromised.

"Okay," I wanted to deny but her hopeful gaze forced me to give in.

Her eyes intently watched me, looking for any traces of deceit. When she failed to find any, her eyes sparkled with happiness and she passed me a rare smile.

"You'll really let me talk to him?"

If you smile at me like that, I would even claw out my heart for you, princess.

I didn't answer, instead handed her my phone. She all but snatched it, afraid I would change my mind.

"How-how do I call him?" She asked hesitantly, clueless on how to use the device.

"Give it to me." I offered but she shook her head, holding it tighter, her sharp nails digging into the screen.

Is that really how little she trusted me?

"Go to contacts." I instructed. "Search Kai's name and his number will appear. Then just press on it."

She followed my instructions, calling him swiftly. I watched as she pressed the phone against her ear, patiently waiting for the ringing to stop so she could hear his voice.

Pick it up.

She bit her lip, tears forming at the edge of her eyes as she struggled to not let them fall.

When the call got disconnected, she tried again. And again. And again.

"Are you sure it's his number?" She turned to me, desperation clear in her eyes. "Maybe you got the wrong one."

"Why don't you try calling Stephen?" I suggested. "They both might be at home right now."

Her eyes lit up at my words and she quickly typed in Stephen's name.

"It-its not even ringing anymore." She cried, no longer attempting to stop the tears. "Does it mean they don't want to talk to me?"

No, it means your bitch of a brother blocked me.

"Try Noah." I appeased. "He will pick up."

She handed me the phone, still crying. "It's okay. You tried." She muttered blankly, glancing at the watch impatiently, waiting for this to end.

"A princess doesn't cry." I told her gently, raising my hand to wipe her tears.

But the next moment she flinched back. She might as well have stabbed me in the heart. That would be much better actually, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt as much.

"Keep your hands away from me." She glared, inching further way in an attempt to create more distance between us.

Don't do that.

"Time's up!" The guard announced approaching us so he could guide me out.

I looked back one more time, my heart hammering against my chest.

And I wondered if it would calm down if I walked back and hugged her tightly.

I wondered if she could take away all my pain, whether she would be able to kiss it better again.

And no matter how far fetched the idea was, a man was allowed to dream, wasn't he?

I turned around, again, and for the first time in a long time I smiled, genuinely.

"I'll see you soon, princess."

I didn't.

... ... ...

Why was it regret always came late?

Why couldn't realization hit us a little sooner, when we still had hopes for redemption?

I had craved the embrace of death my entire life and yet now when I was moments away from it, I no longer wished for it to happen.

I had so much more left to do.

So much to ask forgiveness for, so much to fix.

"Was I a good father to you?" I asked, my heart desperately hoping she would say yes, even if it was a lie, even if she didn't mean it.

"Mhmm." Eve nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "You were the best."

I smiled.

She was too kind for her own good. But I still chose to believe her, even though I very well knew how miserably I had failed at being a father.

At being a decent human being.

"Will you bring Kai here for me?" I requested, my heart yearned to see him. To repair the burnt bridges between us even though it was next to impossible.

But hope was a violent emotion.

And even after the despicable things I had done, my heart still hoped for forgiveness.

Hope that they would have an inkling of understanding of why I did what I did. That I was just a helpless man held captive by my mind.

Hope that they would hate me just a little less.

"He doesn't want to come." She answered, pain flickering in her eyes. Pain for me.

The thought that someone in this world still loved me, cared about my pain after everything I had done made my heart feel lighter.

"Will you do something for me, Eve?"

"Anything." She instantly nodded.

"Will you ask her to come to my funeral?" I implored softly. If I can't meet her alive, I hoped I could do that in death at least.

Eve leaned forward, wrapping her arms around my waist. "I will." She promised, her voice muffled against my chest.

I remember when she was a kid, she would cling to my legs everytime I came home, refusing to let me go, afraid I would leave for another of my trips and she wouldn't be able to see me for months after.

"Tell her I love her."

If possible she started crying even more, the realization that I was really leaving hitting her with full force. Forever, this time.

I patted her back gently, letting her cry, hoping she wouldn't take my death as hard as I had once.

"That's enough, Eve. He needs rest." Ezra interrupted.

Eve nodded, pulling away from me. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She asked, pressing a soft kiss against my cheek.

I smiled, staying quiet.

I no longer wished to make empty promises, promises I was bound to break.

I had broken enough to last me a lifetime.

"I don't think I say this enough." I started. "I'm proud of the man you've become."

"Stop." Ezra interrupted immediately, his eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep and crying. "Don't talk. You need rest."

"You have a kind heart, Ezra. Don't ever think otherwise."

"I'm far from it." He scoffed, not believing me.

"You're too hard on yourself, son." I sighed, a little disappointed he had let self doubt win. He was always a confident child, one who was aware of his own capabilities and ambitions.

"We're allowed to have a few flaws. It makes us better. It makes us human."

The door abruptly opened and Stephen walked in. His eyes momentarily flickered to where Ezra and I was sitting before he looked away.

He leisurely leaned against the wall opposite me and looked down at the phone in his hand, pretending he wasn't hearing our conversation.

"Can you bring me some painkillers?" I requested. Ezra nodded before getting up.

After he left, I turned my attention towards Stephen.

"When are you bringing her back?" I asked. I had already dealt with all legal procedures and handed him the necessary papers to bring her back more than two weeks ago. But he made no move to do so.

Stephen shrugged in response, his eyes still scanning the contents of his phone.

"Stephen." I warned, my voice hard when he refused to comply.

"What?" He snapped, vexed.

"I want to meet her." I repeated. "Let me at least talk to her once, I am begging you."

"So?" He snickered, mockery evident in his voice. "Did you allow me to meet her? Did you allow me to talk to her? I pleaded, I cried. I begged too, didn't I?"

"But you're not me, are you?" I shot back. "Don't stoop to my level. You're better than me. Way better."

"Whatever made you think that." He laughed at the absurdity of my beliefs. "I aspire to be worse than you, Dad. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, does it now?"

"I want my lawyer here." I ordered. "Now."

"You don't have one." Stephen snorted. "He resigned."

Even at the adversity of the situation, I couldn't help but smile. How he had become such a cruel man was beyond me.

"How long have you been planning this for, Stephen?" I asked, wondering how I never saw it coming.

He had taken away all my power, the loyal people who worked for me, the dynasty I had painstakingly built, everything was under his control now.

"Too long." Stephen responded, his eyes carrying a faraway look in them. "Way too long. Yet your suffering is not nearly enough to make up for it."

"Am I not your father? Have I not raised you to what you are today?" I demanded. "How can you be this cruel to me?"

He chuckled, his eyes ridiculing me.

"Was she not your daughter? How could you be that cruel to her?"

"Let me just talk to her once. All I want to do is ask for forgiveness. Consider it as repaying all your debts to me."

"Oh, trust me, this is me paying all my debts to you." He sneered.

"Besides, I'm doing you a favour." He smirked, his eyes burning with pure vengeance.

"She's the embodiment of your sins. I'm saving you from the misery, from the reminder of your sins. You should thank me, really. I'm doing what's best for you."

I looked away, my mind replaying all those times I had said those exact words to all my children at some point in their life.

I scoffed, realizing I wasn't really creative with my excuses.

"Do you believe in second chances, Stephen? In redemption?"

"No." His response came immediately.

"I hope you remember that." I smiled, my heart filling with dread at the thought of what I was about to do. "I hope you don't forget that I'm not the only one who wronged her."

He staggered behind, his back lightly slamming against the wall as his face paled, anguish shadowing his features.

Its easy to forget one's own mistakes when there's someone more convenient to blame it all on.

It's so terribly easy to label someone the villain just so one wouldn't have to carry the burden of sins alone.

That's what I had done.

That's what he was doing.

That's what we all do.

Because we are all hypocrites. Some worse than most.

And we don't realize it until it's too late.

Until we are beyond saving.

I hoped I had broken free of my delusions sooner.

I hoped I had realized forever isn't a lie. That forever lies in the moments we live, the love we give.

And that Selene hadn't left me. For she was always in my heart. And I hoped I had learnt to accept that, to move on.

I hoped I hadn't been so obsessed with what I had lost that I failed to take a second to appreciate the blessings I had received in return.

Selene was right. One day I would understand why she chose to save her, save someone she never even saw.

But I didn't know realization would come this late.

If there really was something like a second life, parallel world, heaven, anything at all, I hoped she would be my daughter again.

I hoped if I ever get a second chance, I wouldn't fuck up like this time.

I would love her unconditionally, protect her with my life, show her what home felt like.

I would show her what family really meant. A safe haven. A solicitous sanctuary.

I would do it all over again. Everything I failed to do this time.

I'd be better than my demons, I'd rise above them.

Because this time, I had lost.

They had undoubtedly won.

just

you