Chapter 7.

I got home in only 10ish minutes, listening to Slow Burn by David Bowie. It never left my mind. And by it I mean him. God, I really let myself fall for him. Like every other teenage girl on the planet. Nice move on my behalf, really.

I did know him though, I thought I did. I knew the real him, I knew that he'd been through too much to be as gracious as he is. I knew his eyes by memory, but especially when the sun cradled them. I knew that the stars reminded him that he was free, and it made him feel alive. I want to be that for him.

This is not what it was before. The last so-called love was childish. I wasn't anywhere near declaring it so, but it felt different. Safe.

I adored the safety I felt standing there. There was all of this uncertainty huddling around us in a bubble but I felt safe.

I wanted him to know me. I hated being nervous but it was a habit of mine. I promised myself to not hold back when I remembered what Anna said. It was cruel of me to waste such a lovely existence.

I had only been home for a couple minutes before my doorbell was rung.

I rushed down the stairs to get it, really hoping that it wasn't some terrifying stranger just trying to kidnap me with a van on the curb waiting to stuff me in it. Instead I opened the door to find the boy I had just nearly kissed, standing on my tiny porch with a wildflower and a leaf in hand, wearing pajamas. There was something off about him, but he still managed to pick a flower off the grass outside. Classic.

He reached out a hand to give me the little plants, and I let him inside. We stood a couple moments in the apartment complex foyer without words before going up the stairs to my house. I couldn't see him very well, but I heard a small sniffle and my heart sank just a bit.

The Archer by Taylor Swift

After I closed and locked the door, I turned around and he was crying, right in front of me, right in my living room.

I rushed to hold him, to calm him down and maybe see what was going on. "Harry, Harry..." I kept repeating his name, which probably wasn't helping all that much. I didn't want him to start hyperventilating. I brought him to the couch, where he laid down beside me.

"Hey can you tell me what's bothering you, H?" I ran my fingers through his hair, brushing his damp curls out of his face. "I- had some sort of anxiety attack. After you- left. Not- your fault." His breathing slowed as I continued to rub his hands and stroke his hair back. I was the only person he could come to.

"I'm sorry, Harry. Hey why don't you tell me about your favorite films again?" I painfully knew what to do, I had too much experience. And it was really scary.

"You already k- know I love The Notebook," He said. I squeezed his hand, smiling though my eyes were blurring and I was trying with everything in my to stop it.

"But I also really enjoy La La Land like you- mentioned. Earlier." He was calming down, I noticed that he was pretty calm nearly the whole time, but I had no idea what he endured by himself before he came. It made me nervous. But I had to stay calm for him right now.

"I'm going to get you some water and then we should watch it. Sound good?" I asked. He lifted his head off my shoulder and I put ice in a cup for him. I took multiple deep breaths myself.

I got back as soon as possible, he was crying again, trying to hold it in this time. He buried his face in his hands. I set the water down on the table and pulled him as close to me as possible. He wrapped his arms completely around me, I felt his hand gently holding the back of my head.

I pulled him back so that I could see his face. "I'm so sorry." He tried to say. "Don't say that. You can't go around feeling sorry for having emotions." I said in his own words. I placed a hand on his cheek.

"Distractions for now, okay?" I said, softly. He nodded his head and moved to lay down in my lap. I turned the movie on, and although we both adore that movie, he had fallen asleep shortly after, as did I. Falling asleep with my fingers running through his hair was the most peaceful I had ever been.

...

I woke to the sound of rain. I took a deep breath and it felt nice. The morning felt like Meet Me in the Hallway, though I had no idea why I associated it with the song. But it shed an identical tone. It was foggy outside too. I lightly moved Harry from my lap, he was still sleeping, and I knew he needed the rest.

I walked over to the tiny balcony that faced the street in my apartment. There were a handful of people with handheld umbrellas, some smushing two people under just one. I stepped out, not caring that I would be soaked in a matter of minutes. It was calming.

I watched the tiny cars pass by, there weren't many although it was raining. I looked behind me, into the house, and Harry was waking up. He came outside and sat down next to me.

"You're going to catch a cold." He said, with a warm smile. I shrugged, returning the blushing cheeks and cheesy grin.

"Thank you for helping me." He said, watching the rain hit the streets as I was. There really was no doubt in my mind. "It's okay, Harry, it happens all the time. I'm happy I was the one you chose to come to."

"I didn't even think about it, I couldn't think straight at all. It was just a natural reaction. I could hardly drive here, luckily you're not too far." "Thank God you're safe." I whispered.

I wanted to stay out there, watch all of the people on their way, but we were getting soaked. Harry reached out a hand to me and helped me up.

He texted Mitch, to tell him where he was. He replied with a simple, "😏" It made Harry laugh.

...

"You need to meet my mum, she's a complete diva and the sweetest person I know all at the same time." He laughed as he cut up some strawberries. "It seems that's a Styles' family trait." I leaned into him laughing, he gaped his mouth open sarcastically.

I fixed his hair for him, it was a complete disaster, but it was completely adorable.

I watched as he carefully placed every bit of strawberry on a toasted bagel with cream cheese. It was one of my favorite things to eat, so I showed him how to do it. He took it very seriously, making sure that everything was placed and spread perfectly. The best part was that with all of his efforts, it was very apparent that my bagels looked much better.

"No, I love them, really." I covered my mouth, hiding my smile. He knew it was there, he pulled down my hand and I burst into laughter. "Why are you laughing??" He said, laughing himself. "I'm glad you tried, they're still going to be scrumptious." I giggled walking over to the small table I just put into my kitchen space.

Harry followed me and sat down. He loved the bagels, I didn't doubt that he would. His eyes were tired, mine did that too. The morning after I spent a significant amount of time crying, I was always swollen.

Harry picked up my mom's guitar from its stand in the corner. "Didn't know you played?"

"I don't really. Anna gave that to me. It used to be my mother's." I watched as his lips mouthed "wow". He sat down on the couch again, I skipped over to him to sit and listen.

He started playing a soft tune that I soon recognized as From The Dining Table. The one he had shown me a couple weeks ago now. I always loved the simplicity. He didn't sing along, only played and listened. I loved seeing the guitar being used, I always wished as a kid that mum would play it more. I knew she had a hard time after what happened, so when I reached a certain age and I came to understand, I stopped asking.

My mum gave the guitar to Anna to hold onto for safekeeping when she moved here. I once saw it in Anna's house, and she asked me to be the new holder of it. I could only say yes.

"It's gorgeous." He said, talking about the guitar. It was gorgeous, with detailed flower engravings lining the edges. I agreed with him.

"My dad gave it to her before he... uh, left." My voice had broken a bit, so it was hard to hear. He heard clearly but didn't know exactly how to respond. It was understandable.

"We never learn, we've been here before. Why are we always up and running--" Harry mumbled out a couple of lines with soft strums of another song. He stopped playing before I could pick up on what song it was. Instead he pulled out a game of scrabble, turned on a stevie vinyl, and challenged me to a duel. I beat him easily, hands down, no questions asked. He was a worthy component though, I had to admit.

You Are In Love by Taylor Swift

He flipped the board. He flipped the board. I was not ready for that one. I laughed so much I forgot to take the time to breathe and remember the moment for every night that I was ever alone again.

Something I caught myself doing an unhealthy amount of times. But I hardly needed any help placing this memory alongside every other one with Harry's name written all over it.

Harry's name written all over it. I thought about it as I watched his movements. I had come closer to this random ex-band-boy than I did with any one of my high school friends. He made me feel like the sun I always wanted to be. But couldn't grace myself with that title just yet. But I was rising, and I felt so certain about it.

His laugh glowed from his eyes, they always crinkled up at the corners, something about that felt like real joy to me. I watched him put his rings back on earlier this morning. Specifically the peace ring. It was a spinner ring.

I was so invested in details I didn't realize that he had asked me a question. And an odd one at that.

"Have you ever been in love with someone, Darbs." He said it so lightheartedly it was a little bit stunning. He kept doing that, the whole ask-a-super-serious-question-like-it's-nothing ordeal.

It was mid-afternoon by then, we'd been playing little games and dancing to music all day. We rewatched La La Land, I cried a lot. But he held my hand. How odd is it that I am smiling over a boy holding my hand. I felt like I was in another dimension.

"I have, yeah. I think so." I cleared my throat. He tilted his head, waiting for more of an explanation. I picked up on it.

"It was years ago and I genuinely don't think I even knew what love was. Back in high school." I said as he nodded. He added a quiet, 'Do you know now?"

I panicked a little, "No, no no. No, I definitely do not. I think I like to imagine that I do when I write. But no." I laughed a little like it was funny. I didn't want to lie to him. I hated lying more than anything. It wasn't the time, though.

He sat his head on his fist, not saying anything. I wanted him to tell me, but I was a hypocrite.

"His name was Josh. It was so immature, it's embarrassing." I laughed to cover it up. "I loved him, but it was more of a first love ordeal. Those are always different than..." We made a questioning eye contact, both of us the same look in our expressions. "Different from anything else."

Harry went to sit on the couch with me, choosing to fall into the spot right next to me rather than any other. "I can understand that." He sat facing me, pulling up his legs almost overtop of mine, on my lap. We were both sitting in silence but nothing was uncomfortable.

"I have but not like thi-" He stuttered, "the real thing. I don't think I have the capability to love someone justly. It wouldn't be fair to them to have to live with everything I come with. The media, that whole world. It's sick." I could pinpoint the devastation in his voice. It was something that really really burdened him.

"We all come with our downfalls, it only matters that the person finds you far bigger than them."

"Yeah... yeah." He said, his voice was deeper, it was mesmerizing. And I felt something again. An urge, someone whispering in my ear that was definitely not myself. And it told me that I was unstoppable.

Harry laid his head down on the back of the couch. I inched closer to him, doing the same. Both staring at the ceiling.

Both probably thinking near the same thing. And some forcefield wall that takes one irrational decision to break down.

I'm not sure what I was waiting for. Every second that passed told me to do it. But I just kept waiting and imagining. Thinking that the time would come where I wouldn't imagine it anymore.

It didn't come. It physically pained me until the second it did. But that second wouldn't come just yet, so we'd have to wait.

Harry noticed that the sun was setting outside and grabbed my hand, yanking me back to the balcony. "It's you!" He said, with his usual cheesy expression.

I gazed at the sky. The feeling it gave me I wanted to keep with me forever, but the sun kept going down. Nothing ever really stopped, I couldn't put time on pause. I think Harry saw my smile dimming. He grabbed my hand and spun me around, bringing my smile right back out. The spin brought me closer to him than I'd imagined it would, but all that phased me was the feeling of his beating heart. I didn't think about it after that. The answer was simple. I only need one thing.

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😏