Chapter 4.

I put on my favorite outfit, full of colors and patterns, so that I'd be forced to be positive. I wasn't writing much, which is exactly what I came here to do. I was too disappointed in myself to get up and start not disappointing myself . And at the same time I felt like I always had a deadline, like I should be doing something, or doing something more. I had to keep reminding myself that I was in no rush, that nothing was wrong. And that nothing was wrong with me.

I saw Harry a couple times more at the café, he seemed to be doing well. With the album. I realized it had been too long since we had spent time together. But I wasn't the type of person to take action, and the bursts of bravery I had previously had were not present.

I got Harry's usual order ready. He came in a little later than breakfast most days, the days that he didn't were few at this point. He walked through the door and my spirits lifted. I'm pretty sure everyone in the café's spirits were lifted, he just has the effect.

He saw me behind the counter and gave a wide smile. He stopped walking towards me and pointed in my direction. "I love your outfit, Darby."

He turned to Anna, who was standing only a couple of feet from me, "Don't you love it, Anna?"

Anna nodded with a "mhm" and a lot of laughs. Harry came up to the counter and began to ask for his usual. I casually handed it to him before he fully finished ordering.

"Why thank you." He said, pleasantly surprised. "It's simple." I said, smiling a little bit bigger. He turned to leave, but swooped around before getting far. I saw him nearly drop his coffee, but it was a smooth save. I covered my laugh with my hand.

"Um, Darby, do you want to go on a drive tonight? Maybe up to the Giardino Delle Rose? Stars?" I adored that it was his favorite thing, the stars.

"Sounds great." I nodded. "As long as you bring... " "Music. I know." He answered, and he did know. He turned to leave again, but seemed to remember something.

"Oh, and as long as you bring whatever you're writing right now." I definitely couldn't have guessed that one. "Okay." I laughed, wondering why he'd want that from me. I didn't care. And that's saying something.

...

The sun was already setting on the drive. It was orange today. "Oh, it's my favorite color right now, look! I pointed at the clouds that hugged the lowering sun. With the complimenting city that we could already see most of, it was lovely.

The sun peeked through the windows of Harry's car, and kept finding Harry's eyes. I noticed that they were green, but the sun made them glow this beautiful ripe lime green.

"Harry this light is doing wonders for your eyes!" I said, leaning over the middle console to look closer. He fluttered his eyelashes to show them off. His laugh afterwards was unmatchable, and could not be explained into writing. I'll just have to keep that one in my head and not on paper : )

The breeze was fluttering through the windows I'd cracked open, we were nearly to the spot but we were still trying to figure out exactly where to go. The night air felt so crisp, I opened the window a bit more and let the air flow into my face. The moon shed a light so bright it was as if the earth was afraid of the dark and the moon was it's nightlight. I laughed at my own simile.

"It's perfect outside." I was near speechless, the moment felt so surreal and I simply could not be angered. It felt selfish to even think about.

If I am honest, my past is very unclear, though it's unclear to me too. It's hard for me to know just how I got to this point. If it was luck, I am lucky. If it was fate, I am a favorite.

...

"I brought a blanket, if you don't want to sit on one of the benches." He pulled a blanket out of the trunk. I hopped out of the car, I was still wearing the same clothes as earlier, but I held my cherry cardigan in my hands. I was only slightly chilly, but I wanted to feel every bit of it I could.

Harry laid the blanket down on a grassy hill that was placed only a couple of yards away from the rose gardens. I didn't notice it for a bit, considering that I was stuck being mesmerized by the sky, standing on the hill with my head straight up. "Darby?" He called, I turned abruptly with curiosity and he gestured towards the ground.

"Oooooh wow this is a very official... thing isn't it?" I teased, he nodded in return with a grin playing from his lips and cheeks. I sat down, as Harry pretended the ground was a restaurant seat and pulled it out for me, waiting for me to sit down before he joined me.

"Very official." He repeated, brushing off his pants after sitting. I turned my head from the sky to him and something caught me off guard once more. It made me smile involuntarily, but I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. All I saw was another human being, and all I felt was my chest being... overwhelmed with something, something much bigger than me and my simple existence. It was all so overwhelming, but I was completely calm. He made me feel calm. I am okay.

His little curls were gently flying all over the place with the breeze, and there were dimples placed very carefully on his cheeks as he looked up. "Do you see the one super bright star," He tried to point, but ironically it was pointless. "It's followed by three other stars, that's the tail, and then a wingspan-type shape made by the, uh, five other stars." "I'll be honest I can't find it." I said, making Harry chuckle. He looked at me, completely in awe of the constellations, "It's Cygnus. One of my favorites, it looks like a bird."

I layed down on the blanket completely, and Harry followed. "Even just looking at them makes you feel freed." I said.

"I couldn't have said it better."

"Is that why you love them so much?" I asked, genuinely curious. "I do think so, yes. I've been through some things that have completely diminished my personal, uh, agency? Is that the word?" He giggled.

"Yes." I answered. Today he was wearing a floral silk button-up, and some flared, definitely 70's-esque, pants. He must've changed, because he wasn't wearing that earlier today.

Cherry by Harry Styles (more for the instrumentals and vibe, not lyrics)

I cannot lie to myself, there is something there. It felt like home and I adored it. The feeling I got from him.

"Tell me something about you. Something completely random, please." Harry asked, his eyes were glued to the moon with awe, and I saw the reflection in them.

I was slightly taken aback by his question, not knowing just how personal I should go. "Well if you want something odd..." I began. I wanted to tell him about my dad, my past love, my dear Anna. Maybe the little boy I used to babysit or every landmark on my way to school I developed an emotional connection to. My favorite hairstyles throughout the years of my childhood, or the fact that I would always only drink lemonade as a kid and absolutely nothing else. But it scared me to show so much. Vulnerability was not a strong attribute of mine though I wished to succumb to it. I needed it desperately to write.

"I write best in inconvenient circumstances. One time I formulated an entire subplot line at a Rolling Stones concert."

"Rolling Stones! How iconic." He laughed, as did I. The city lights had turned on, and it was simply dazzling.

He was only smiling at me, it wasn't as if I'd done something grand. The atmosphere was so calming, I found myself at quite a loss of words. It was one of those few circumstances where the universe gave you an extra moment, one to breathe and think without feeling any pressure. And I couldn't ever get enough of the stars. I couldn't describe them, but I could describe how I felt. I felt euphoric. I'd been waiting to use that word for so long. I kept it stored in my head only to use for a situation so endearing as to deserve it. This was completely it.

I pulled out my phone, very quickly. It was all I had on me, and I needed to write it down. Harry didn't ask me what I was doing, it was obvious. He only watched.

The two lines were still floating on the note document, I put them in my phone and in my journal just in case. I was very glad that I did that. If I could buy feelings, this is the one I'd desire. For the light at the end of the hallway is lonely and needs as much fulfillment as I crave.

I didn't know what I wanted to write, but I began to find it along the way. And the heart is too fragile to be the strongest piece of me, but I fear that it knows nights like these all too well. I cling to stars like never before and I can hardly reach them.

Harry read over my shoulder, but I shied away. I pushed it off with a delicate smile, but I was still mildly terrified of giving him yet another part of me . Everything was okay, I reminded myself. Nothing is holding me back but myself. Though I would trust him with it, I would. It was only a natural reaction.

He respected that. He understood privacy and the intimacy in writing that made it so vulnerable. "Is this an inconvenient time for you? Because you're writing?" He asked, his dimples making an appearance.

"Not necessarily," I blushed. "It only is a wonderful feeling that I feel I should document."

"And what feeling is that? If I'm allowed to ask." His curls were hanging low onto his forehead and I casually pushed them up and out of the way. Casually.

"Well, you aren't allowed to know. But I'll tell you." I turned away from him, mostly to hide my face. There were dozens of rose bushes not far from where we were, accompanied by stunning Italian architecture.

"I am feeling blissful, and serene, and completely at peace. And whole and content with myself." I flipped my head towards him, "I feel at home." I said, as if it were something simple.

Harry took a deep breath. His cheesy t-shirt made my smile grow warmer as he slid himself closer to me. "And I feel proud and... sweetly inspired. Anxiously hopeful." He was nearly whispering the last words. The moment was sweet. I felt too anxious on a daily basis to call this that, but I knew he wasn't lying. He was so positive it made me actually feel something? Odd.

"You know how I said you were intricate earlier?" I asked. He replied with a simple nod. "Yea maybe you're just super cheesy." I got up and started running towards the gardens, the wind blowing in my hair as I laughed so hard I was weak.

He chased me through the small mazes of buds, calling out my name as I flipped hair out of my face. I was out of breath at one point. I really did think I had lost him, but it was suspiciously quiet. I shouldn't have stopped.

Suddenly he grabbed me from behind, scaring the life out of me but ultimately sending me into fits of laughter. He suffocated me in a bear hug, leading straight into some smooth twirl.

"Oh?" I said, playfully. "Ohoho!" He laughed back.

...

"What's stopping you from grabbing what you want. It's gotta be right in front of you Darby." He asked, and I took a deep breath. We were sitting on the picket blanket again, facing each other with our legs crossed. I kept messing with my hair and tapping my fingers about, feeling the anxiety rising. I was good at forgetting about my worries temporarily. But they always found their way back.

"I really wish I could tell you. I want to." I said. I think he noticed my fidgeting. I tried to stop it so that he wouldn't, but it was too late because he took my shaking hand in his own and held it there to ease it.

My hands were so cold against his, I felt slightly bad. My thoughts were turned away from my cold hands very quickly. "What's holding you back?" He delved.

I hadn't any words that were the answer to that. "I'm really not sure. It seems my own self happens to be the answer." I talked slowly, hoping to find the words as I went. "But if you want to know me so badly," I began. He perked up.

"You should know that I find myself very connected to music, I'm very passionate-" "Tell me something I don't know." He chuckled. I smiled.

Taking a deep breath, I started over. "I never stop mentioning to people that I'm left handed. Quite odd that I've never told you. But I guess another thing you should know about me is that I'm not very well versed in being social." He nodded his head, furrowing his eyebrows once more. He didn't say anything though, he only listened.

"I guess I learned that from my mum. She's completely incredible." I grinned just thinking of her. "She's back in London." "London, wow." He said, amused. "The heart of London." I cheesed. I cherished his dimples.

"Anyways," I said, bringing myself out of distraction, "She raised me all alone, with Anna of course. Anna's been with me my whole life."

"Anna's not related to you though, right?" He asked, and I shook my head. "No, but she might as well be." There was a bit of silence before I asked him the same question.

"What about you, Harry?" "You didn't give me very much information, huh." My cheeks blushed as I smiled, "Maybe another time."

He shook it off. "Let's see. I write songs. I am right handed, I have a cat named Evie... " "Oh come on." I pushed at him. He was doing it on purpose. He grinned.

"Well I guess you should know that I'm a singer. I was in a band," I glared at him again. "I'm getting there, I'm getting there!" He laughed. "It's been nearly my whole life. I grew up in the spotlight, tried to stay completely grounded. I couldn't have done it without my mum." He scratched his eye, I could tell he'd been through a lot.