Chapter 27, Lights Are On

I used to wish that you would change but soon I realized that wishing isn't the same as doing..

The carnival is two days from now, I've been practicing my confession to Miguel because I didn't want to mess in the moment that I'm actually confessing.

So far my stuffed animals have been nothing but polite, accepting my confession and reciprocating the feelings back to me, not like they had much choice anyways.

When there was a knock on my door, I threw my phone to the bed and grabbed my stuffed animal, I shoved the thing inside of my closet and closed the door before running to my bed and plopping down.

I needed to catch my breath so it didn't seem like I was doing something that I wasn't supposed to but I had already told whoever that was at the door to come inside.

"Get dressed, we're meeting dad at the park."

Venus murmured, she didn't even bother to make eye contact me with me when she told me this, instead she stared at the ground before walking out of the room and down the stairs.

I'll be sure to ask her about why she didn't look at me later but now, I had to worry about seeing my father again and speaking to him.

When it came to him, I didn't care how I looked because he didn't deserve my try hard outfits, my efforts in hoping that he would change and be the father that I always wanted him to be, change into the father I could only dream of.

It sucks, it really does.

If I was going to see my dad and possibly lose all faith in humanity then I might as well do it looking and feeling comfortable, I put my sneakers on and walked down the stairs where my mother and sister sat down at the couch waiting for me.

When I reached the last step, we all had the same depressed looking on our faces as if we had watched the boy in the striped pajamas and were now going to meet someone we strongly hated.

I got into my mom's car, I was sitting in the backseat so my sister didn't feel alone and just put my airpods in.

Cancelling out all sounds that weren't my music, that's how I liked it and how I'll always like it.

Refusing to make conversation and/or eye contact, I stared out at the window at the blurred houses that we passed, I didn't want to see my father.

I had every right to feel the way that I feel right now, I didn't want to see him, not after that day.

Sometimes at night, I'd sit on my roof and think about the good moments that me and my father had, because those were the only moments that I'll hold on to.

But the good memories will never be enough to cover up the bad ones, no amount of good memories could replace the scary, bad ones that had tattooed itself to my brain.

Forgiveness becomes optional when you have been through enough, forgiveness becomes mandatory when everything in your past comes back to bite you and eat at you, harming your health now.

Some choose to let the pass eat until you have nothing more to lose, then you have the others that forgive because they want to keep their good, happy self.

I haven't chosen which one I wanted to be yet, instead I'm so focused on getting the hell out of here and living on my own once I'm older.

It's funny really, anyone who were to hear me would joke about how young I am to know what I want and that I should just be happy that I have mommy and daddy to help me out through the tough times.

Then they give you the sympathy and pity when they realize that daddy was the reason that you began to have tough times in the first place, the reason why everytime you see a happy daughter and a happy father you want to run away, the reason that you feel as if you're never good enough for anyone.

My feelings and thoughts are not to be pushed down for invalidation, not every parent is a damn Superbowl winner and not everyone deserves a rotten tomato thrown at them either.

It's simple, if you don't have the mentality of a stable adult then do not have kid, or don't bring your frustrations out on your kid.

That becomes way more damaging and then you wonder why you're kid becomes the way they are.

We arrived at a park, the same park that I always go to.

You could see my father sitting on a bench waiting for us, but I couldn't care how long he's been there waiting for us anymore.

I got out of the car first but waited for my sister to walk to the front of the car, I walked beside her and looked at her, we shared the same bored expression before out mother told us to walk over to him.

Reluctantly, we both groaned and walked sluggishly to where my father was, he spotted us and a smile broke out on his face.

"My girls! How are you?"

He greeted us both, he went in for a hug but we both just stood there without moving, almost like the standing man emoji.

I guess he got the hint because he let and walked back a bit awkwardly, now he knows how I felt when I hugged him and he didn't want to hug me back.

"Depends, did you bring your new family here?"

Venus asked sassily, I looked at her and looked down at my shoes to keep myself from laughing at her bluntness.

You gotta love her, she keeps it real with you even though it could come out mean.

"No, they're at home."

My father informed us, I nodded my head slowly and looked around the park.

"So what do you guys wanna go do?"

"We wanna go home."

I answered for the both of us, I didn't want anything to do with my father.

He's not a good man and he deserves to know that, I'll have it tattooed on my chest if he forgets.

It was no secret that Venus and I were acting cold towards him, we have our reasons to be the way we are with him and he should know that.

"I saw a fountain just some feet away, let's go make a wish!"

My father walked to where the fountain was, Venus and I trailed behind him talking about him behind his back, literally talking about him behind his back as well.

When we got to the fountain, we were given a quarter and asked to make any wish that we wanted but it was then that I had noticed that my father had been acting a little suspicious.

I started looking around and had saw two familiar girls, sitting on a bench not far from us and my father had been eyeing them for a while and it was then that I had knew, he brought his family, again.

I grabbed the quarter and threw the damn thing into the fountain, making the water splash and gaining weird looks from my father and from my sister.

"God, things don't change with you, do they?"

I asked my dad before telling my sister that he had brought his second family, Venus didn't waste a second before throwing the quarter at dad's feet and running off to my mom.

I used to wish you would change but soon I realized that wishing isn't the same as doing..

With that being said, I turned around and began to walk to my mom so we could go home.

I didn't need this, I didn't need him and I certainly didn't need to worry about my father right before the carnival.

I just need some peace, that's all.