Information taken from interviews with Karen Arthurton (from YOUTHLINK Inner City) and Bridget Sinclair, Youth Services Worker, St. Stephen’s Community House.

Written by Emma Brown

Other words for sex:

• bouncing

• doggy style

• screwing

• intercourse

• get laid

• getting me some

• missionary

• shagging

• slipping in the back door

Q. What is sex?

A. Sex is sex is sex is sex? There are a lot of different definitions for “sex”. For some people it can be fondling, hugging, and kissing. For others it is eating someone out or a blow job (oral sex), fingering, or hand jobs. Still others insist it is penetration, penis in vagina, penis in anus, or dildo in vagina. There is no one single definition that accurately includes every type of sex.

Q. When is it a good time to have sex?

A. This is a very difficult question. It really depends on the individual. A person has to ask herself a lot of questions: Does it feel right? Are you emotionally ready? Are you physically ready? Have you thought about safe sex and birth control? Do you trust the person you’re with? Is it something you want to do, or are you feeling pressured by friends or your partner? No one can tell you when it’s the right time.

Q. What is a hymen and what does it have to do with being a virgin?

A. When you are born, there is a thin membrane (like a piece of thin skin) that partially or completely covers the opening of the vagina. Hymens are different on every woman. People assume that the first time you have sex your hymen is broken, and that when the hymen is broken, you’ll bleed. But sometimes a girl’s hymen has already been broken during bike-riding or horseback-riding or other sports. Just because a young woman doesn’t bleed the first time she has sex doesn’t mean that she wasn’t a virgin.

Q. The first time you have sex, will it hurt?

A. It depends, because all of us are so different. For a lot of women, it does hurt. It’s pretty hard to feel relaxed when it’s your first time and you don’t know what to expect. If you are tense and/or scared, it may hurt. But that may not be the case for everybody. Some girls may find that their first time doesn’t hurt at all. Or it may just be slightly uncomfortable for a short time. If the first time is forced, it’s probably going to hurt.

Q. How can you say no to sex?

A. You can say it verbally. You can also let someone know with your actions. Whenever somebody says no, it needs to be respected by the other person. The best way to say no is to say it clearly, loudly, and strongly—”NO!” Try to look the person in the eye when you say it.

Q. Where can you go to talk about sex?

A. If you can’t talk to your friends or your parents, or you want more information, you could go to a local community center. Many community centers have youth departments that will have healthy sexuality information. See additional resources at the back of this book.

If you are thinkin’ that you’re ready to have sex, go through these question to think about how ready you really are.

1. Do you have a partner to have sex with?

2. Do you love yourself? --> Do you treat yourself well? Do you take care of yourself? Do you make sure you put yourself in healthy, safe situations? Your relationship with yourself is really the most important and should always be first priority. If you don’t know who you are and haven’t formed a good relationship with yourself, then how will you know how to be healthy with someone else?

3. Do you respect yourself? --> You have to respect yourself the same way you respect your friends and other people in your life.

4. Do you respect your partner?

5. Does your partner respect you?

6. Do you trust your partner?

7. Does your partner pressure you into moving too fast? --> It is pressure if your boy or girl tells you that “if you love me, then you would have sex with me,” or if they make you feel uptight or scared if you don’t move faster and farther. It is pressure if they get angry when you don’t want to go further.

8. Have you talked with your partner about sex?

9. Have you both talked about protection and do you have some?

10. Do you want to have sex?

11. Do you FEEL ready?

12. Do you have any doubts? --> f you do have doubts, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have sex, but it does mean that you should think about what your doubts are, and what you want to do about them.

13. Can you talk to your partner about your doubts?

14. Are you having sex for the right reasons? --> What are the right reasons: It’s something you want to do; you feel comfortable and safe. You feel respected by the person. You feel turned on by the person. You’re attracted to the person and care about them. You’re comfortable and excited about moving forward.

In the end you should have sex because you want to. No one can ever tell you when it is a good time to have sex; only you will know what’s right for you.

If you are uncomfortable about any of your answers to these questions, then maybe you should just wait. What’s the rush? Waiting is never a bad thing.

Know yourself and what’s good for you. You come first !!