A day after, there was still no contact with Jaxon. I wasn't fairly angry at him but upset that he didn't come around to talk to me. I have finally processed what he said to me.

They were planning a rebellion. Very soon, I would be in danger and I needed to know when and where. But I couldn't. Jaxon was the one who could contact me, it would be harder for me to seek him. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the first move?

No. I had better things to do.

I watched myself in the mirror as my maids did my hair. They chattered and talked amongst themselves while I listened and reacted. I was grateful that they respected my space and never tried to speak to me when I didn't feel like talking. Only when they talked, was when I realised that ten people were almost always surrounding me.

"Your Majesty," Fen Ai dipped her head after my maids had finished with my appearance. "I have a theatre performance at the banquet today."

"Take care," I smiled.

I rose from my chair and looked at myself in the mirror one last time.

I made my way to the main hall in the harem. The concubines were expecting me soon, and I didn't want them to wait for me for too long. I sat in thought during my ride there. Four women were pregnant now.

Niu Lin was pregnant. This could've been the reason why she had turned into an introvert. I felt things were more peaceful when I was running the harem. It wasn't perfect, but Niu Lin wasn't poisoned yet. She was previously the gossiper and the bully so I expected them to harm her.

I wouldn't let them anyway. Under my eunuchs' surveillance, it wouldn't happen.

Rain poured on the roof of the sedan chair. The weather was gloomy today but it wasn't windy. It's been two weeks since it rained. During that time, I did find myself being concerned for the farmers. Agricultural is a common job for the peasants.

"Her Majesty has arrived!" Li Shu announced beside me.

The doors opened and I walked in slowly. Quickly, they took a few steps back to form a path for me to walk through. All, dipped their heads to bow. I took a few steps up to my throne and settled myself comfortably.

I leaned back. They knelt, all synchronized with each other, and bowed. "Warm blessings to the Empress!"

"All rise."

"Thank you, Empress."

I watched as they lifted their heads off the ground. As I waited for them to settle, I scanned all of them. Hua Fa wasn't here today. She usually attended to make things less suspicious, but she wasn't here. She could be busy or had to do something, but I was slightly concerned.

My eunuchs didn't inform me, but neither did I ask. It was better off not mentioned just in case. I looked over to them. "Provide chairs for the four pregnant women."

"Yes, Your Majesty," they bowed and hastily started placing the chairs in proper positions.

The room smelled like hot brewed tea, a scent I will forever enjoy even if it was almost oxygen to me. My mind was empty while sitting here. Maids around us were quiet, but almost all the concubines wanted to say something.

I wanted to talk about the weather, just small talk to stir things up. Usually, I'd let the concubines speak, and I reply, but I needed more distraction from the things going on in my head. The tranquillity of the small drops tapping against the roof over our heads had eased me.

"Are you all doing well today?" I asked.

They nodded. Su Yin let out a soft sigh. "I've been losing sleep, though, Empress. It's been hard for me to sleep during the past few days."

"You must be stressed then," I slightly frowned. "I believe you all should drink plenty of water and relax. Take a nice evening stroll if you are very full, that way you can digest properly. I want you all to be happy and healthy."

The rain continued to pour outside.

"Yes, Empress, we will follow your orders and teachings," they chanted in unison, bowing their head.

Niu Lin scanned the audience and turned to me. "Your Majesty, where is Consort Hu?"

A eunuch stepped forwards and dipped his head. "Empress, Consort Hu isn't feeling well. She will be staying home during the remainder of this week."

"I suppose I'll have to visit her at one point," I said.

"Could it be that she is pregnant?" Niu Lin looked away in thought while rubbing her baby bump.

"She's been acting very strange lately," an Imperial Concubine spoke. "She hasn't been in contact with me for days now."

The concubines were now thinking and assuming. They discussed whether she was pregnant, whether she was up to no good, and other inane things.

No one here knew that she had technically left the harem. After I granted her wish, she had to try her best to keep her profession as covert as possible. If not, I might be the one to blame which isn't a good look on me.

This was my reputation on the line as well. I set my cup down next to me and smiled. "Consort Hu is ill. I believe she is a good person. She wouldn't lie about such things. We will give her the benefit of the doubt."

"Yes, Empress." they dipped their head in unison.

"Perhaps there is a rebellion involved, that Consort Hu is in," Li Mei whispered to the girl next to her, loud enough for me to hear. She giggled. "Maybe Her Majesty is in it as well."

I thought this would go smoothly but I thought wrong. Never was there ever a concubine to disrespect me when I sit in this throne, in this hall. The entire room could hear her chattering. Niu Lin, sitting below, but close to me, turned to look at me as well. There was concern in her eyes.

Li Mei could be a masochist. I could see it. I already ordered a punishment for her, and she was still talking bad about me; in front of me, as well. Maybe she did like getting flogged and it turned her on so much that she had to do this. If she was totally into it, I could just ask the Emperor honestly.

I make myself laugh.

"The assumption of me helping someone usurp His Majesty's throne needs to end here," I motioned for more tea to my maid while directly making eye contact with Li Mei. "Consort Wei, you have such a mouth, I wonder where you're getting your ideas from?"

She quickly looked at me and bowed. "Empress! I apologize! I was just making a light-hearted joke. I didn't mean to offend you."

"It doesn't offend me, rather... it just amuses me," I took the teacup and the saucer. "I'd like to think after your last punishment, you'd know your place in the harem before talking nonsense."

"Her Majesty is right," Roasted Duck nodded. "Sister, you have offended the Empress and deserve proper punishment."

Another had chimed in. "Agreed. Many would hold their tongue when they speak ill of Her Majesty, but you do not hold back."

"Thank you. I am pleased to have such great women around me," I took a long sip of my tea to ease the anger building up in my system. Li Mei wanted a reaction, I refused to give it to her. It's plain and simple.

Li Mei was like a gaping fish now. To see more people go against her, was amusing. She got up and quickly stood in the middle, only a few meters away from me. It didn't take a toddler to know that she was insincere if she ever apologized. Perhaps this was her wanting to die.

She slowly kneeled and pressed her head against the ground. "I apologize, Empress! I may have gone overboard, but the evidence is accessible to almost anyone!"

I raised an eyebrow. "I beg to differ."

"Your Majesty, you know how to fight, you worked your way to this title in a short amount of time," Li Mei let out a sigh. I couldn't figure out if she was mocking me or not. "Empress, you also meddle with state and court affairs. Everyone knows this. You cannot deny the fact that these things are quite suspicious—"

"You have a lot to say for someone who is not in importance," I shot back. "I can admit that there are some that dislike me, and due to that, they make up these senseless conclusions to make me look bad."

I was burning. Everything inside of me was on fire. I wasn't angry, just heated up. I had too much to say, but I didn't want to say everything on my mind. But, I was almost glad that she brought this up so I can debunk it again.

The conspiracy theories about me were just absurd, to say the least. I was surprised that the Emperor didn't keep an eye out for me. But then again, the other theory about me being secretly a man was just absurd as well. Of course, the Emperor wouldn't believe in that.

Li Mei burst into a mixture of apologies and nonsense. She tried to justify herself again, but I couldn't take it.

"I order twenty lashes!" I demanded.

To do this in front of a group of women was just sad and embarrassing. Li Mei deserved it, anyway.

Fei Ruo stood up from her chair. She walked right behind Li Mei and bowed to me. Ah, here we go again.

Two women who bring me stress was teaming up or something. They had to be. There was no reason for this to happen. They were probably working together to annoy the living hell out of me. I assume that after this is dismissed, they will conspire against me.

"Your Majesty, I remember when you came into the harem so kind," Fei Ruo dipped her head. She tried to show me respect but the mocking, phony sweet sound of her voice was contradicting her actions. "What happened?"

People happened. Envy and betrayals happened. Individuals that displayed false happiness for your thriving, but wished you harm, happened. I am a product of my environment—a little less intense, but I still was.

I scoffed. "You don't think I'm kind anymore? Am I not benevolent enough for you?"

Fei Ruo shook her head. "No, Your Majesty, you are always the virtuous Empress! But, don't you think the punishment of twenty lashes is too harsh? It is only an unwise remark she made, I doubt she meant any harm."

"No, it is easy to understand," I pursed my lips. "If anyone insulted the late empress, I believe they'd get flogged so many times, that they'll die."

"But—" Fei Ruo began.

"You're pregnant, I know that," I interrupted. I cocked an eyebrow. "But as a pregnant woman, I believe you should watch your mouth. There is no special treatment."

Niu Lin chimed in. "Twenty lashes is a light punishment for this behaviour. Consort Wei should be thanking Her Majesty that she let her off this lightly."

"Your Grace—" Li Mei looked up at Niu Lin.

"Drag her out!" I demanded.

Eunuchs rushed to grab her. Fei Ruo, now in defeat, slowly walked back to her chair. If she thought she had done something significant, she was wrong. Li Mei was still going to receive the punishment I had given her.

It was like punishing a child.

As they tried to get her to move, she screamed at me, "Empress, you're a monster!"

I was, wasn't I? There was always the punishment of kneeling but it was an easy way for forgiveness. The Empress Dowager had never given me the punishments I was giving out to the concubines.

I guess I was a monster. I schemed and plotted against anyone who went against me, even going further by framing them for something they didn't do.

Li Mei wasn't wrong. She wasn't wrong when she saw me as someone like the late empress. I wasn't as bad as her, but I was close to it. Or like the Star Wars quote, "You have become the very thing you swore to destroy."

Or I could go even further with it.

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, "...when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."

I did all I could for power. I did it because I wanted to go home. But maybe there was an element in which I wanted to become an empress. Maybe my subconscious mind had longed for the validation in which I never had.

And who I am right now; sitting on an empress throne, sending a woman to get twenty painful lashes... It was still surreal to me. But if my Imperial Concubine self had seen what I've done, would she approve of it?

It was survival. All I did was for survival.

Han Ying Yue. Empress Han of the Great Wang dynasty. That was me. Here, I wasn't Carmen. I was the Empress—the Empress who had to sacrifice a lot to get her position and some of those sacrifices were not in my hands.

Guan Shu and Rong Er, I'd have to let them go as well. I will forever be grateful for them, but I needed to stop dwelling. And still, they cross my mind then and there, but how I feel is now neutral. They've gotten justice. It was time to stop worrying.

The same goes for Chen Xi. Although Chen Xi betrayed me, I still understood her. I've chosen to forgive her.

I will never say I'm not a monster. I had to do things differently to get my way. It is time to shed the snakeskin of my guilt and let the past wash away.

It is time to face that I wasn't perfect and I wasn't someone who will be reactive in this environment. It is time to face the fact that I had to do what I had to do. In an environment like this, in no way in hell would I sit back and 'enjoy the ride.'

I gazed into the abyss, and the abyss gazed back into me and for that, I am not sorry.

"I was a monster. But I wasn't one before I came here," I looked directly at the consort. My eyes were moist, I could feel my temper rise and my breaths shaky. "Blame the system, but do not blame me."

After I dismissed them, I was off to visit Hua Fa. She would never skip morning assemblies even though she didn't belong.

But when I visited, she was taking a long nap and I didn't want to interrupt. Whatever she was dealing with, I hoped that I didn't catch it...

Fen Ai was away preparing for the banquet. I wasn't officially told that I was coming, so I laid in my seat all day playing chess and talking to Hua Er. I've become above decent in chess that Hua Er praised me.

"You've been doing very well!" Hua Er exclaimed as she took her piece and placed it on a spot.

"I hope so! This was the most confusing game I've ever played," I slightly laughed.

It was. No doubt about it. I never touched checkers or chess because it was too complicated. I quickly placed my piece on a spot.

Hua Er took her sweet time deciding, and then placed her piece. She then let out a slight giggle and looked at me. "Look down, Empress."

And she wins again.

"You know what? You only won because I let you," I joked, crossing my arms like the sore loser that I was. "You should thank me."

"Thank you, Your Majesty, for intentionally letting me win," Hua Er laughed.

We shared a laugh until Li Shu interrupted us. Like said many times before, I could never relax in this place sometimes. People loved to barge in, don't they? Sometimes I'll be intensely writing and one of my eunuchs will interrupt me.

He bowed. "Empress, due to formalities, His Majesty is inviting you to accompany him to the banquet."

I took one short glance at Hua Er and made my way to my bedroom to be dressed properly. My maids followed behind me.

The banquet was different this time. It was more intimidating knowing that something could happen. I was very alerted, even more than I was before. My heart was beating. I could hear it even with the chatter amongst the men.

Something wasn't right. I was feeling bad energy from someone in the crowd.

Niu Lin sat slightly below the Emperor and me. She sat on the right of me. If anything did happen, I was afraid she'd be harmed during it. She was pregnant. I had to protect her.

The theatre performance had already attended, and now they were having discussions.

The officials talked to me for a little bit but that was it. There was nothing else to talk about, and I needed to figure out why I was being so cautious. I wanted to think that it was because of Jaxon's words, or because I've witnessed too many attempted assassinations.

My eyes slowly trailed to a chubby middle-aged man. Unlike the other men, he wore a sachet. A light blue sachet. His navy-blue hanfu was enough for me to see every shadow and light on the fabric.

That's when I noticed it.

There was a sharp object sticking out of the fabric. It wasn't hard to spot, but his arm was trying to cover it the best it could. I didn't know whether he was going to chuck it at the Emperor or me, but now wasn't a good thing to think about that.

I didn't want to embarrass myself either. If I make drastic assumptions, I could humiliate myself.

When I turned my head to slightly face Li Shu's direction, I beckoned him with my hand. He quickly walked closer towards me. The Emperor was talking and they listened intently. I waited for him to finish before speaking to Li Shu.

"Are any government officials allowed to carry a weapon inside the Palace? Especially during this occasion?" I asked.

Li Shu shook his head. "No, Your Majesty. That is forbidden."

"Keep an eye on the man with the light blue sachet," I looked down, staring into my wine vessel. "I believe he is up to no good."

Li Shu gave me a silent nod and slowly went back to his position.

I usually wouldn't be nervous doing this, but I was. Was this the so-called rebellion Jaxon was talking about? If so, then it would be too obvious. I scanned the other officials for weapons, but there was nothing.

Before I recklessly called him out, I caught myself.

I had to ease into it; subtly say something, and ease into it. Luckily for me, they all focused on enjoying their food and wine while I was planning. It shouldn't be this hard, right? So why was I nervous?

One last time, I made sudden eye contact with Li Shu. He rushed beside me. I turned to face him. "What is his name?"

"Colonel Shi, Your Majesty," he responded, dipping his head.

"Thank you," I slowly put down my vessel.

When the room was still silent, I fixed myself and plastered a smile. I cautiously faced Colonel Shi, eyeing his sachet as if it was the first time I saw it. "That is a beautiful sachet."

The colonel looked shocked at my sudden words. He cleared his throat and let out a laugh. "Thank you, Empress. It means a lot to me."

"You don't mind if I come over there and have a good look, do you?" I was already getting up with the help of my maid.

His arm shifted to hide the blade, but I could still see it very slightly. When I walked down the steps, I could feel the tension in the room. The Emperor kept his cool. He didn't speak until I made my way to the colonel.