After Nikah

she pulled over the comforter. She was still swinging in sleep and wakefulness. Her head was pounding from not being able to sleep all night. She had been counting the tick tock of the clock and occasionally watching over Shehryaar sleeping sweetly in his own bed.

Zoha didn't expect to face such difficulty falling asleep. She had found herself feeling uncomfortable sharing bed with another person, especially after dadi. She got used to being alone in a big space. Shehryaar asked if he could take his pillow and go on the couch. But Zoha felt that as an insult to him. It was his bed first then hers. If anything, she had to be the one to adjust.

Catching hardly half an hour slumber, she gave up pretending. She realized it was just a waste of time. It wasn't alleviating her headache. She flipped the comforter aside and rose from the bed.

Just as she was headed to the bathroom, fetching her dupatta from the side of the pillow. The room door opened and Shehryaar walked in with calm steps. He was clad in Calvin Klein black sweatshirt and gray sweatpants. His body was tensed up from running the morning laps.

"Good morning, madam," he said, teasing.

Zoha did not hear him call that the other morning. He seemed to be in a little mood today.

"Good morning," Zoha replied. She let her hair loose open and wrapped them back in a tousled bun, while Shehryaar stood there watching her.

"Did you get any sleep?" he asked, a bit concerned.

Zoha looked at him, frown on her lips, and said, "hardly. My head is blasting with pain."

Shehryaar came over and felt Zoha's forehead with the back of his hand.

"You are kind of warm."

Zoha didn't feel any fever coming out of bed. She just had a headache. A bad one.

"Am I?" she said, surprised.

"Feel it." He grabbed her hand and made her touch her own forehead.

"No I am not," she said.

"Really?" he wondered.

"Your hand is cold. This is my normal body temperature."

Shehryaar scratched the back of his head and laughed. "Oh acha."

Zoha laughed too.

"Then I guess you should get some rest," he addressed. "Don't worry about the breakfast today. Rumina will take care of that."

"I'm sorry, Shehryaar," Zoha said. Her eyes were weighed with heavy sleep.

"Nahi, jaan. I am fine." Shehryaar held her shoulders. "I don't want my sweet wife to work when she is not feeling well. You need rest. I can handle it. It's not a big deal."

"Still." Her body was depressed and sluggish.

"How many days has it been since our wedding?"

"Two."

"Exactly."

"But I don't want you to eat breakfast made by Rumina. I am your wife now. This is my responsibility."

"Not until you feel better." He looked in her eyes. "Okay?"

Zoha was quiet in return. Then nodded.

"Good." Shehryaar smiled and dropped a kiss on her head. "Now relax and I will go change."

When Shehryaar went to pick clothes from the wardrobe, Zoha stood and watched her gentle husband. How sweet was he. How much he cared about her. Not for one second did she regret choosing him for a life partner. When he said he loved her, he showed that he genuinely meant it. Zoha was the world to him. He would go through anything and do anything for her.

Just as Shehryaar closed the wardrobe and started heading to the bathroom, Zoha shook her thoughts about him and walked over to the window to fully draw the curtains. Then climbed back in bed. She thought if she could sleep for at least an hour or little more, her head would feel much better.

*********

When Zoha swam out of subconsciousness, she felt her body heavy and idle. She slowly opened her eyes and and faced the blank ceiling above. Her vision was hazy. She lifted her arm from the side and touched her head. The pounding feeling was gone, but the residue of the blasting pain was still sitting in her temples. Instead of laying back deep in the sleep, being sluggish. She rubbed her eyes and flipped aside the comforter.

"How are you feeling?" Shehryaar asked, who was previously lounging on the bed next to Zoha.

Zoha took a deep breath and let out a sigh. "It's better."

"Mummy just came to see you five minutes ago."

"Really?"

"She hadn't seen you so she was wondering how you were feeling," Shehryaar said. "It's three fifteen now. Must be hungry."

Zoha didn't feel like talking. She was mostly quiet. "I will eat lunch with everyone then."

"Hmm."

Going to the bathroom, she passed glancing herself in the mirror. She didn't look a mess. When she came out, she realized she had her clothes in her room. Shehryaar's wardrobe was full of his stuff. She needed to make the adjustment to save herself from going back and forth.

When she went to her old bedroom, her own beautiful place, she realized how lonely it felt, dearth of noise. Everything was in its place, organized, how she left it the day before Nikah. Her bed was neatly tucked, with unrumpled sheets. The curtains were fully drawn, leaving the place in shadows. And the floor was sparkling, immaculate.

Closing the door behind, she flipped on the light and walked over to her wardrobe. For couple of minutes she stood there, absorbed in her thoughts and looked at her hanging clothes. There were seven new pairs of shalwar kameez that Saliha had given Zoha as a wedding gift with their matching accessories. Zoha was unsure which one to pick. They all looked pretty and had nice soft colors with the balance of bright ones.

It took her while until she finally decided to go with pistachio green kurti-style kameez that had white embroidery, and white bell-bottom shape pants. It looked elegant and stylish. She pulled it out and laid it on the bed. Then went back to the open wardrobe and searched in the drawers for the matching jewelry. She preferred to wear something simple for home. The other heavy ones were for the wedding events, which was kind of odd, because she was barely ever invited to one.

As she was taking out her accessories, she stumbled upon a small paper, slipped out from under the pile of folded clothes. Her brows knitted together and she looked at it. It was not just the paper, but there was an envelope from which it had come out.

What could this be? She thought.

Curious, she put aside the jewelry stuff and drew the envelope out. There was nothing written on it. Pressing hard on her memory, she realized that this was the envelope that Faiza had given her on the mehndi. Zoha never got a chance to open it and look what was inside. One of the reason was that her hands were filled with mehndi and because of that she couldn't touch anything. She barely changed her clothes and crashed in bed. The next day it was all forgotten. She never saw the envelope. But there was one thing. It was unsealed, which meant someone must have had opened it and tried to look what was inside. Maybe it was Hoorain.

She took out the paper folded in half and began reading the hand-written note from Faiza.

I just wanted to tell you something before you go on starting your new life with Shehryaar who after all chose you instead of me. Mubarak ho tumhey. I knew from the beginning that he would choose you. You were always on his mind, even when you were never there, nor you did anything to attract his attention. You may know or not know , but I strongly liked Shehryaar. I had those feelings for him that he had for you. I looked at him in ways the way he would have looked at you. When Saliha Khala asked my hand in marriage for Shehryaar, I couldn't believe that it was all happening. That I was going to marry him. I began imagining all those things that a girl imagines with someone with whom she had devoted her every thought and every breath too. I fell in love with Shehryaar and day by day became really possessive about him. I couldn't stand him seeing you more than just his cousin. I was afraid. When I got engaged with him, I knew he was mine. I had won him. But after Saliha Khala told us that he in fact had rejected me, you don't know what went through my heart. I was shattered into pieces. My whole world came crashing down. Even then I never hated Shehryaar, I hated you. I knew if you weren't there, this wouldn't have happened. You were the third wheel.

But after I saw you today, I realized I had been the third wheel. You were always in Shehryaar's heart, I was just on his side. I had to go. I nearly lost my mind, when I realized he was never mine. I did not eat for days and asked weird questions about love and death. I wish I had died before I heard that. I wanted to run away. I wanted to kill all those people who came in my way. But after some time I learned to live with the pain and tried to forget Shehryaar, although it was impossible. I still imagined a beautiful life with him.

After what happened, I realized it was all my mistake. I had hurt myself by creating fantasies. I fell in love with the person who was never mine. I made a big mistake. Now after many months, marrying Azhar, I have drifted away from the thought of Shehryaar and have accepted the reality. You both are meant to be together. You are the luckiest girl I ever met. You didn't have to do anything to win his heart. He came to you and made you his. I hope you both live a happy life, as I will live mine with the person who loves me, but I am afraid I don't love him back. Those true feelings of love are gone. They are broken beyond repair.

Zoha was stunned by the paper in her hand. She didn't know what she thought about Faiza after this note. She knew Faiza liked Shehryaar. It was crystal clear. But the way she mentioned love shook Zoha. There was something about it that didn't sit well with her. It send her heart racing in her chest. Why would Faiza write this when she suffered from such heart break? Why did she want Zoha to know, especially after she was married to Shehryaar? What was the point of remembering all of that and writing about it? Didn't it give her more pain?

Maybe Faiza still hated Zoha and she wanted to make her feel guilty of stealing her love from him. She wanted to torment her by planting this seed in her mind. She wanted Zoha to remember this for the rest of her life. She was tricking her with her sweet words. Since she couldn't win Shehryaar, she would make Zoha emotionally miserable. This time Zoha wasn't going to be fooled by Faiza. She wasn't going to let that happen to herself again. She had no sympathy for Faiza. None.

Folding the paper back in half, she ripped it into pieces and fiercely crumpled it in a ball. She couldn't stand it anymore. She knew if she gave Faiza even a small space, she would come back and haunt Zoha all her life.

She threw the bits of paper in the room's trash can and destroyed the envelope along with it. She did not want any traces of anything from Faiza. She despised her. Picking her clothes from the bed, she selected the jewelry she wanted to wear and left the room with a soft thump at the door.

When she returned to her new room, she saw Shehryaar was not there. His laptop was open on the bed. Zoha put the screen down and unplugged the wire. She noticed he had been charging it while using it. The battery was good enough.

Later she ironed her clothes and headed for the shower.

**************

In evenings, it always got colder. Manal was snuggling on the couch with her fluffy winter blanket, wearing mini striped socks and knitted sweater. She was half way through reading her novel called Oliver Twist, which she had picked from the study room shelf. It was really interesting. She never read classics, in fact never touched novels until recently when she stopped going to college due to her unstable health. Often times she got bored, having nothing to do. She didn't even talk much to her friends, even though they texted her and called her asking when she was joining them back. She wished then that she never had to.

After the sunset, Saliha came to see Manal. Not only to see her, but to show her something too. She was holding a big book, with solid brown binding, velvet that it seemed.

Manal bookmarked her book and put it on her lap. Then curiously watched as Saliha settled on her bed, and began opening the book.

"What is that, mummy?" Manal asked like a small child.

"This is Shehryaar and Zoha's wedding album."

"Really?"

"Come look." Saliha was already flipping through. "Ma Shaa Allah they look so good."

"When did they come?" Manal couldn't contain the excitement. She got hold of her crutches and slid her legs down from the couch.

"This afternoon."

"It came really fast."

"Han na, yehi toh." Saliha was rejoicing every picture she saw, scrolling her gaze up and down the album.

Manal plodded over to the bed and sat across from Saliha. "I want to see too."

"Here." Saliha rotated the album to her and showed her all the pictures from the beginning.

"These are the engagement ones," Manal pointed.

"There are all the pictures of engagement, nikah and walima." Saliha was looking at the album upside down.

Manal looked through few and said, "mummy, didn't Zoha look pretty?"

"She is pretty so why wouldn't she. Her mother was pretty like her too. You should have seen the pictures of her wedding." Saliha was wearing the smile like lipstick.

"Really? Aaliyah chachi was that pretty?"

"She was. Do you remember her?"

Manal halted and fell thinking. Then shook her with a hopeless frown. " I don't remember anything about her."

"I have the album in my wardrobe. I will show you one day. Then you will say she looks exactly like Zoha."

"I want to see now," Manal perked.

"I would have to take out other things too."

"Please?"

"Maybe some other day. Right now your daddy is resting in the room."

Manal skimmed through some of the same pictures and moved onto the Nikah and Walima ones.

She looked to see how her pictures came out. She was wearing maroon maxi dress for Walima with glittery flat shoes. It was her favorite wedding look. On Nikah she wore fancy boutique traditional style dress. She liked it, but it was unlike what she wore on Walima.

As they were looking at the pictures, the room door opened and Shehryaar and Zoha walked in.

"Arey," Saliha said.

Manal lifted her gaze from the album.

Zoha was dressed different from what she was wearing in the afternoon when they had lunch together. This time she was wearing black kameez with red thread and bead designing and the matching red colored flare pants, with light makeup on.

"Are you guys going somewhere?" Saliha asked, observing both of their dressing.

"Jee," Shehryaar answered. "Tonight we will have dinner outside."

"Oh that's good."

"I thought to inform you before we go. I didn't find you in the room nor anywhere else so I came here."

"Acha hai. Tum log jao aur araam se aana."

Zoha's eyes were planted on the album, smiling. "Manal, how did you like the pictures?" she said.

Manal glanced down at the album and said. "They came out perfect. In fact, me and mummy were talking about how pretty you looked."

"I wasn't expecting it to come this early," Shehryaar said. "Well it's good that it did."

"I know, me too," Manal replied.

Zoha came over and ran her eyes on some of the pictures. "I didn't get to look at all of them."

"You should. They are the best pictures ever," Manal thrilled.

After that a hush fell in the room. Neither of them spoke. Then Shehryaar looked at the time in his wrist watch and told Zoha that they should get going.

"Mummy, we are gonna go now," Shehryaar said.

"Sure. Have a good time," Saliha said.

"Enjoy the dinner," Manal said, as they left the room and closed the door behind.

************************************

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