heap of clothes and closed the wardrobe. She brought it over to the bed and searched for the pen in the bedside drawer. The drawer was filled with random folded papers and small things like sewing needles, coins, paper clips and colored buttons. When dadi was alive she sometimes used to sew clothes. She often needed these things, so instead of asking Zoha to bring her this and that, she kept them near her in the drawer.

It was kind of messy. She couldn't find any pen in there. She closed the drawer and checked in the shelf drawers. Probably by chance she found one. But she didn't find it there either. So she took her diary and went down to the study room.

Outside the day was nice and cool. The breeze was blowing in through the main door. There was no need of AC nor fan. It was just perfect like that. Zoha thought, why not she took her diary and wrote in the lawn. No one was out there. She could be all alone, relishing the beautiful weather.

She put the diary against her chest and stepped out in the lawn. It was absolutely tranquil. She loved it.

She strolled around for a little bit, thinking where everyone else was. It was a blessing evening without the chiding sun. Manal would had loved it if she was out here. Perhaps she was resting or doing something else. Zoha didn't want to disturb her. She was fine alone.

She pulled the lawn chair away from the table and sat down. A relieving sigh escaped her mouth. She was amazed looking at the sky with scattered clouds and streaks of ultraviolet light in the west horizon. It seemed dream-like. She mentally counted the fading colors from brighter pink that dominated the sunset to blue and purplish hue that blended in. All the colors of rainbow were there except for the green that showed very little among them; it was pressed between yellow and blue, nearly non-existence.

She opened the leather bound diary in her lap and carefully flipped the yellow pages. Towards the end of the diary, she found a clean, lined page, dented with the pen point impression. She uncapped the pen in her hand and closed her eyes. Her thoughts were loud and clear in her mind that she could almost feel their vibration in her skin.

Opening her eyes, she moved her pen to the top of the paper, the first line and began.

Two days ago Shehryaar spoke to Bari ammi and Baray abu about our proposal. He already told them. But before he told them, he told me. I was surprised that he was going to tell everyone in the house. I thought he was probably only going to tell Baray abu and then Bari ammi. I was afraid. What was kept as a secret was going to be revealed. Everyone in the house was going to see us differently. We were more than just cousins.

I didn't talk to anyone, neither anyone talked to me. I had a feeling that something big was going to happen like always. Nothing ever passed Bari ammi so easily. She always exaggerated the matter and found ways to prove others wrong if things didn't go the way she wanted them to. She always spat the unnecessary anger.

But what happened yesterday took me by surprise. Bari ammi came to my room and politely asked me what I thought about the proposal. I was confused at first. I needed to register the fact that she was standing in front of me, questioning my choice. How was that possible? Was it even real? She said, she was talking to me as a mother. She understood what I was going through.

I knew she was just acting. She never really meant it. But why? Why did she walk up to my room to talk about the proposal? She was suppose to be against all of this. She never really liked me. Then why? I kept wondering. I couldn't think of any reason that caused her to be that way. Beside, a possibility, that Baray Abu convinced her. But despite that I didn't feel like that was the reason. It seemed less believable because she never really cared about anyone's opinion beside her own.

It's a mystery to me. I don't know what Baray abu and Bari ammi talk about. I wonder what they think about me after Shehryaar's proposal. Is it that I wanted for all of this to happen? Or I hid it from everyone? Yesterday when I came home from college, I saw Manal doing her therapy session in the lawn. I went to see how she was doing. When she saw me, she gave me a mystifying look, but didn't say anything. I read her expression. I could tell she wanted to say something. But she didn't since the therapist was there.

After yesterday I didn't see her again. She has been in her room the whole time. I saw Bari ammi in the kitchen. Then again in the living area with Baray abu watching TV. I didn't go talk to them. I thought what if it was inappropriate.

Zoha stopped. She was sitting crossed knee, elbow propped on the chair arm, holding her temples. She pondered for couple of seconds. The jumble of thoughts were crowding her mind. She wondered what else could she write.

She dropped her pen on the opened journal and sighed. The sky was growing darker. Crows were flying home. In the remote distance, call to prayers replaced the noiseless air. She pulled the dupatta from her neck and covered her head.

After when the adhaan was over, Zoha closed her journal. It was time to go inside. She had to pray and ready her clothes for the next day.

Zafar grabbed the prayer rug from the shelf and spread it in the direction of kaba. The clock was showing eight twenty four. The time for praying had just happened. He raised his hand to make his intention and began the namaz.

Saliha was lounging on the bed, paging through the magazine. She was clung to looking at a photograph of a bedroom theme. She studied the image for a while, biting at the corner of her pinkie nail.

When Zafar was done praying. He folded the prayer rug and neatly placed it back on the shelf. He slid off the scalp cap from his head and put it in the bedside drawer where he kept his medicines and branded wrist watch.

"What are you looking at?" he asked Saliha.

"I was looking at this bedroom set," she said without taking her eyes off the magazine. "There are some really good ones, especially the colors."

Zafar sat on the bed. "Are you planning to change the bedroom set?"

"Thinking about it. Not the furniture. Just the color of the bedsheets and curtains. What do you think? Should I? " Saliha peeled her attention from the photo and looked at Zafar.

"Whatever suits better. How long has it been since we have this color theme?" Zafar surveyed the curtains and furniture around him.

"Around fifteen years."

"That's pretty long."

"I know that's why I was thinking about changing them. They look boring and out of fashion."

Zafar sighed. "Are you planing anything about Shehryaar?"

"Like?" Saliha closed her magazine.

"His marriage."

"Oh. But nothing is fixed yet. I am waiting for the response from Zoha."

Zafar turned on his side so he could speak face to face with Saliha. "What did she say?"

"She needs sometime."

"About how long?"

"Didn't say anything about that. But I will ask her again."

"That's good." Zafar swam back in his ocean of thoughts.

"What are you thinking about?" Saliha noticed.

"Just...how hard it must be for Zoha to decide this. She is all alone. No one to give her an advice."

"I asked her that she could share anything she wanted to share with me." Saliha put it as if it wasn't her fault. "But she didn't."

"Why would she? You are not her mother."

"Then who will she talk about it to?"

Zafar was quiet.

"You know what I think. She will say yes to this proposal. They like each other."

"I want this to happen on Zoha's choice."

"I didn't even realize when all of this happened. Shehryaar didn't break the engagement just like that. He was already interested in Zoha."

"And even if that was not the reason. It wasn't still right to force it."

Saliha put the magazine on the bedside, and lowered her feet to the floor. "You father and son are after my one mistake so much. I know I was wrong." Saliha appeared guilty.

"Probably you wouldn't have understood this if Shehryaar didn't blackmail you that he will not come back once he went to California," Zafar said. "It took you so long to understand the wrong you did."

Saliha got up from the bed and fixed her dupatta around her neck. "Forgive me for what happened," she irked. "I will never force anything on anyone. Do whatever you want. I won't say a word."

"Now you say that." Zafar leaned his back on the pile of pillows, easing the tension in his spine.

"After today I don't want to hear about this. End it here. Whatever Shehryaar wants will happen. I have no objection over it." Saliha watched Zafar laying on the bed. He didn't say anything in response. She, then, headed to the door.

"Where are you going?" Zafar asked.

"I will check on Manal and then see what Rumina is doing for dinner." She had a huge frown on her face.

"Okay. I will have some rest. My back is hurting."

Zoha hung her ironed clothes in the wardrobe and closed the door. She was done with the last task too. There was nothing else to do. She looked at the time. It was almost nine, which meant she was soon going to have dinner, with everyone.

Exhaling, she sat down on the bed. She didn't want to go until she was called. She relaxed back on the pillow and thought about the possibilities. What if they brought the topic about proposal? What if they asked about what she thought so far? How would she answer then? If was hard to speak on this matter all on her own.

She wished she didn't have to face this. She was too scared. There was a lot of pressure. Zafar and Saliha were waiting to hear from her and she had no courage to talk back to them. How could she tell them that she agreed to this proposal? How could they understand her silence?

Why am I always stuck in difficult situations? I can't face anything and yet there are so many things to face. What should I say? Ya Allah they don't ask me anything at the dinner table.

She got up from the bed and went by the window. Maybe fresh air was what she needed to feel better. To ease the anxiousness.

She stood there and looked out. The night felt cool on her face. She liked it. The blowing wind was enough to drift her worries far far away.

As she was looking, she thought, I shouldn't be afraid. I am always scared. I need to stop this. I don't like living in fear. She realized that it was all with her. She over thought about things and they made her uneasy.

I can't.

If she wanted to live freely, she had to stop taking the burden on her mind. And had to stop confusing herself.

I will say yes if they talk about the proposal, she made up her mind. Because Shehryaar is my everything. I will not have a greater life with anyone that I will have with him.

Zoha turned around. She saw the phone was buzzing on the bed. It was on silent. Perhaps she forgot to raise the volume. She went over and saw the incoming call. It said Fariqa calling.

Fariqa? Zoha was surprised. Was everything okay? She didn't expect that.

She received the call and put the phone against her ear. "Hello. Asslamalikum?"

The line wasn't clear. Zoha waited. Then Yumna spoke. "Walaikum-Salam. Zoha, beta, kaisi ho?" She coughed.

"Khala, mein theekh hoon. Khairyat?"

"Everything is good. I was missing you so I told Fariqa to dial your number. It was good she had it. How's everything?"

"Khala, everything is good. How are you?" Zoha took the phone by the window to have a better connection.

"I am fine. Alhumdulilah. What were you doing?" She sounded elated to hear about Zoha.

"Nothing much. I ironed my clothes for college and was standing by the window. The weather is nice."

"Haan. Bhetr hogaya hai. Allah ka shukr hai. And how are your studies going? How's everyone else?"

"They are all good. Baray Abu phir Pakistan aaye hain."

"Does he visit very often?" Yumna asked, curious.

"He came to see Manal. Actually..I never got to tell you. Manal got into a car accident and her legs are paralyzed. But now she is much better." Zoha felt like she said a lot.

"When did it happen? Did she get serious injuries?" Zoha could easily hear the shock in Yumna's voice.

"She got hurt in the head. That is better now. But she can't walk. They have to put her in for physical therapy. It's helping her get up from the wheelchair on her own."

"That is really sad. Hopefully she gets better." Yumna paused. She dealt with the background noise. "But this is proven true. Whoever hurts other, they also get hurt too. She kicked you out of the house so many times. You had to go through hard time because of her."

Zoha looked at her nails. "Khala, I don't want to think about all of that. If you look at her now, she has changed so much. She even asked me to forgive her. I felt bad."

"At least she realized what she had done to you."

"I have forgotten her mistakes and have forgiven her. I don't like to keep anything in my heart."

"You are a big-hearted girl."

"There is no benefit in remembering it."

Yumna coughed. Then cleared her throat. "Achi baat hai. Allah tumhey iska ajar dey ga."

Zoha got quiet. She fell thinking. Should I talk about the proposal? Yumna was her mother's sister, almost like her mother. Zoha would do wrong by not telling her.

She wondered how she could begin talking about it. They were talking about Manal and all of a sudden they moved onto talking about Shehryaar? Zoha couldn't imagine Yumna's reaction. She didn't know what her thoughts were going to be.

"How is your Bari ammi towards you?" Yumna asked, expanding the conversation.

"She is okay. Sometimes she is upset. Sometimes she is nice." Zoha was still figuring a way to bring in the proposal.

"But she doesn't say anything to you right?"

"No."

"Then that's good."

Zoha silently formed the words that were restless to shoot out of her mouth. "Khala?"

"Jee, beta."

"I have to tell you something." Zoha invented a grave tone.

"What happened? What do you have to tell me?"

"Actually the thing is.." She was hesitating. "You know Shehryaar? My cousin?"

"Yeah. You told me."

"He asked my hand in marriage."

"Really? When? He directly proposed you?" Yumna was exploding with so many questions.

"He told Baray abu and Bari ammi. And Bari ammi asked me what I thought about this proposal."

"What are your thoughts?"

"I haven't said anything."

"Do you like Shehryaar?"

Zoha balked to answer that. But then she said, "I do."

"Are you going to say yes then?"

"I was thinking about it. But-" Zoha trailed out.

"But?"

"But I am not sure if I should say yes. I need consultancy of an adult. I am scared to do this all on my own."

"You must be. You have no adult to talk about this. Tell me what do you think about Shehryaar."

All the thoughts about Shehryaar crushed Zoha's mind. But she hadn't had the courage to say everything. "He respects me a lot. He supported me when I was going through a hard time. He has done so much for me."

"He has accepted you that means. He is not like his mother, arrogant and egoistic."

"He is not. He is way different than her," Zoha assured.

"That's what makes him likable then."

"So, Khala, should I say yes?"

"It is your life. If you feel he is the right person for you, then you should say yes."

"When they ask me I will say yes."

"May Allah give you all the happiness in the world," Yumna said. "Anyways have you eaten dinner already?"

"No. But I think they will be eating dinner soon." Zoha looked at the wall clock to make sure. It was nine fifteen.

"Then you should go eat dinner."

"Khala?"

"Jee?"

"Why don't you ever come to my house?"

"In Shaa Allah zaroor. I will come when you become a bride."

"Waisey bhi aaya karayein. I will be so happy if you, Fariqa, and Shaheen baji come. Plan one day and tell me."

Yumna laughed. "I will see."

"Fariqa used to talk about what a big house I live in. She told me she wanted to see it. So if you bring her, she will be so happy."

"She is sitting near me listening to my conversation."

Zoha smiled. "Can I talk to her?"

"Oh she's been waiting. Here." Yumna passed the phone to Fariqa. "Hello?"

"Asslamalaikum. How are you, Fariqa?"

"I am good. How are you?"

"Good. What were you doing?" Zoha asked.

"I finished my homework and was watching a drama. I was listening to ammi. Are you getting married?" There was a rush of euphoria in her voice.

"It isn't fixed yet. But In Shaa Allah if I do, you have to come."

"I will be there without your invitation. Be tension free."

Zoha laughed. "Why don't you bring Khala over one day? Make an occasion."

"Wouldn't your Bari ammi mind if we come without her invitation?" Fariqa said.

"This is my house too. If I am inviting you, then you don't have to fear anyone else."

"Then I will totally come." Fariqa got excited. "I can't wait to see your house. I love big places."

"I know you told me."

A knock sounded at the door. Zoha flinched and turned to see. It must be a dinner call, she thought.

"Fariqa, actually someone is at the door. I probably have to go down for dinner."

"Okay, no problem. I will talk to you later then."

"Sorry for cutting the talk short. I will call you when I am free. Allah-hafiz."

"Allah-hafiz." Fariqa hung up.

Zoha put the phone on the bedside and glimpsed in the mirror to see if she looked fine. Then went to open the door.

It was Saliha.

"Zoha, everyone is down for dinner. Tum bhi aa jao."

"Jee, Bari ammi. Mein bas aayi."

Saliha left and Zoha closed the door.

**********************************