《The Unspoken Heart》Chapter 35: Manal
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- breezy and sunny. Manal's physical therapist a sweet lady, with so much patience, pulled Manal out in the lawn to do the therapy. She asked her patient about how she was feeling, like was there any difference in her leg movement? Manal simply nodded at first, then said, "It's little better."
"That's good," therapist said. "It shows that you are making an effort." She smiled.
"But it still hurts when I try to move my right leg," Manal said.
"Don't force it if it gets painful. Just relax. It will take time. But you will eventually get there." She reassured.
Manal looked at the lady- long, straight hair, tied in a ponytail, wearing a black patterned kurti and trouser. She wore a light brownish eye shadow that showed in the sun and pink lipstick.
"Okay. Now."
Zoha stood on the side and watched. Manal didn't seem to mind her presence. Instead she was busy listening to her therapist and answered as she asked. Zoha took a stroll in the lawn, passing by the plants and flowers. They were freshly watered in the morning. Rumina did a good job taking care of them. Zoha really liked the purplish hydrangea. She bent down and picked one. The smell of it reminded her of some moment; she couldn't exactly recall it. It sure was long time ago, probably when she was way younger.
She brought the flower closer to her nose and tried to remember it. The more she smelled it, more her mind darted toward that memory. She closed her eyes. Her breathing sounded like a hum to her ears. She was slowly feeling it. It was near. Her hand mentally reached for it and attempted to grab it as if it was touchable. Just then she opened her eyes in excitement and it vanished.
Taking the flower, she walked away from the boundary of lawn. Manal was there in her wheelchair with the therapist. Zoha felt bad about her cousin the way she had to struggle to move her legs. It was awful.
Suddenly there was a loud honk at the gate. Zoha's eyes followed the driveway. She saw Sajjid motion towards the main gate. The car drove in and Shehryaar hopped out of it. He straight went inside the house without bothering to even look at his sister.
Zoha fell worried. What was Shehryaar going to do? He had been distant from everyone from past two days, even Zafar with whom he shared everything. Probably there was something going on his mind that he wouldn't tell anyone. Zoha was afraid of the time when the secret held between them was revealed.
After fifteen more minutes, the therapy session was over; it had been running down from an hour and half. Next time Manal would see her therapist again was on Saturday. Today was Thursday.
When the therapist left, Zoha thought to go inside. But Manal called.
"Zoha."
Zoha stopped and turned around. Manal was looking back at her.
"Can you stay with me?" she said. "Please?" Her hands were resting in her lap.
Zoha was lost in her thoughts. "Why not?" she said absentmindedly.
Manal cracked a soft smile on her face. "Thank you."
Zoha sauntered over to her. She folded her arms, chiffon dupatta hanging past her chest, hair garnered in ponytail rested on her shoulder. She looked simple and pretty without the glamor of any sort of makeup.
"You must have work to do and I stopped you right?" Manal said, kindly.
"It's okay," Zoha said.
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Manal pursed her lips and lowered her gaze. After seconds, her hand reached the wheel and she started moving the chair. Zoha who was standing nearby helped her out.
"Oh no, I am okay," Manal refused assistance. "Ms.Zareen said that I have to learn to do it myself."
"But I am here."
"I know, but still-"
"You will get tired."
Manal didn't say anything after that. She sat quietly as Zoha drove her in the wheelchair. She toured her around the whole lawn, sometimes paused and took a breath.
"I am probably bothering you right?" Manal said.
"No."
"I know you won't say it."
"How did your therapy go?"
"It was okay," Manal gave a bland response. "I like to spend more time with Ms.Zareen than actually doing the therapy. She is so sweet. I really like her personality."
"She is not married yet?"
"No."
"Where does she come from?"
"I never asked. But I think she was born in Karachi."
Zoha started driving the wheelchair and took another turn around the lawn.
"I really don't like wheelchair. I hate that I can't move on my own."
"You will be able to soon. In Shaa Allah."
Manal tried to look Zoha behind her. "You think so?" She was unlikely surprised.
"In Shaa Allah."
"Do you really think like that about me?"
"Meaning?"
Manal sat straight and looked ahead. "I thought you hated me. You might have wanted me dead in that accident."
Zoha was astounded. She stopped driving the wheelchair. "I never wanted that. How could you possibly-"
Manal interrupted her and said, "I remember what I have done to you."
"Manal, believe me. I never wanted that."
"Why?"
"Why are you talking like that?"
"Because I don't like it," Manal paused. "I don't like when people show that everything is alright which in fact nothing is alright. I haven't done any good to anyone. And yet no one complains."
Zoha stood quietly behind her and listened.
"Maybe all of you are lying."
"Itna mat socha kara karo," Zoha said. "Jo hua usko bhool jao."
"Kiya tum bhoola sakhti ho?" Manal looked up at Zoha.
"Kiya baatein lay kar bhet gayi ho." Zoha took a turn on left as they reached the one end of lawn.
"Let's go inside."
"You still haven't answered my question."
"I try to."
"And does it work?"
"I have already forgotten what happened."
"But I can't. I am guilty."
Zoha inhaled a breath. "Don't feel guilty. Galtiyaan insaano say hoti hain."
"My mistake is so big that I sometimes can't even sleep in night. Shayd yeh meray saat sahi hua. I deserve all of this."
Zoha went in front of Manal and lifted her chin. Looking in her crestfallen eyes, she said, "whatever happened you still don't deserve this."
"Why not? Everyone gets punished for doing the wrong thing."
"Do you ever feel like you are the same Manal anymore?"
"I feel guilty of what I have done."
"You don't know how much you have changed. Hearing these words from your mouth makes me think twice, am I really talking to the same Manal or its someone else?"
Manal slipped her chin from Zoha's hand.
"Have I ever said anything to you?" Zoha asked.
"I want you to say something to me. Remind me what a bad person I am."
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"Manal, you are not. It's enough that you have realized and admitted your mistake." Zoha pressed her hand. "Look at me now."
Manal didn't.
"Please?"
Then she did, appearing heartbroken and pale.
"Say that you will forget everything about the past?"
Tear rolled down her cheek.
"Please, Manal, don't cry." Zoha tried to comfort her. "Please." She picked her hand and patted.
"I am really a bad person. How much I have hurt you."
"This is enough for me." Zoha wiped her tear from the cheek. "Don't cry now."
Manal sniffled her nose. "Itna bura honay kay bawajood tumney kuch bhi nahi kaha. You stayed quiet the whole time."
"I could never do anything."
"Were you afraid that you would be forced to leave?"
"Maybe. I don't have anyone else beside you all. For how long could I have lived with my khala."
Manal clasped Zoha's hand instead. "Mein bohat buri hoon. I made you homeless, broke your heart and did all of those terrible things. This is the best punishment for me."
"There is no point in repeating all of this. Whatever happened happened," Zoha said. "I can't think about this my whole life. What good will it give me. Nothing."
"By destroying your peace, I have lost my own." Manal lowered her head in humiliation. "I can't even look at you. I hate myself."
"Manal, don't repeat what has passed. Kuch cheezein ko bhula dayna hi bhetr hota hai. Dukh bhi waqt kay saat guzr jata hai."
"I am really sorry for hurting you so badly. Really really sorry."
Zoha watched different Manal talking back to her. It felt unreal. She disbelieved the fact how Manal was apologizing her. Was her heart really softened for Zoha? Has she learned from her mistakes? After sharing her feelings, Zoha felt as if her burden was lightened. She didn't expect for any of this to happen.
"Forgive me if you think I deserve it," Manal implored. "I am really really sorry." Her eyes teared and water released on her cheek. She wasn't directly looking at Zoha.
"Manal, please don't cry. What will baray abu or bari ammi think if they see you like this?"
"I will say that I have hurt you so much and I am really sorry for it."
"No, you won't say that."
"Why not? Isn't that the truth?" Her voice was drowned by tears.
"You will never tell them that," Zoha said, sternly.
"Everyone should know what you went through because of me."
Zoha shook her head. "Don't do this to yourself. Tumhari takleef kuch kam nahi hai. Mujhey bohat bura lagay ga agar tum aisa waisa kuch karogi to."
Manal simply stared at Zoha, making her drop her gaze.
"Wipe your tears and forget this. It's for the better of everyone."
"I don't know what I might have done if I was in your position. Tumhara jaisa hausla nahi hai meray ander."
Zoha went behind the wheelchair and began to push. "Shaam bohat ho chuki hai. I think we should go in."
Manal sniffled and dabbed her eyes with her sleeves. She didn't say a word as they went inside the house.
Zoha pulled out her diary and opened it on the desk. She flipped to the unwritten page, picked her pen and scripted the date on the top right corner. Last time she wrote in it was nearly week ago-or even more than that. She felt she was missing the moment to write so many things that happened.
Taking a deep breath, her pen started moving across the paper.
From so many days I had been wanting to write, but time and work never permits me. At home it seems like everything is okay, but it's not. I am scared. Two days ago I heard baray Abu and Bari ammi argue over Shehryaar's proposal. Shehryaar have told them that he doesn't like Faiza. All I know this from overhearing their argument. I don't know what Bari ammi is going to do. She is very sensitive about her sister. But Shehryaar told me that he likes me. His confession of love has put me in trouble of all sorts. He is not afraid to even mention this to this parents. What if he tells them?
I don't know what to do. I want to talk to him. But I barely see him in the day. He is always in his room. And even if I see him, would I be able to say what I have to say? I wonder what's in his mind. At the same time, I have thought to stay quiet and not say anything in this matter; pretending that I am unaware. That's the best I can do.
Baray Abu has come to Pakistan for Manal. It has been more than five days since he is here. Four days ago we gathered for tea in the evening. Everything looked fine in terms of mood. They were all happy. Except Shehryaar was really quiet. I didn't think of this before, but I have a feeling that after I left to study, something happened. I am not sure, but it could be a possibility. At the same time I might be overthinking it, which I do very often these days.
If dadi was alive, then probably I didn't have the need to share my thoughts in the diary. If I did wrote in secrecy, she would have questioned and pried out my reasons. She was old but smart.
Today in the lawn, I spoke to Manal. It was after many many days that she treated me kindly and was very guilty of what she did to me. I wasn't expecting her to apologize. I always knew her as stubborn and conceited. But after talking to her today, I felt like I met a totally different person. She has changed so much that it's hard to believe. Should I name her Manal or something else. She cried and said she is a really bad person. She deserves the suffering of paralysis. I tried to tell her that she isn't a bad person from the heart. All of us make mistakes.
I sometimes don't even care about what she did to me. I feel mercy for her. She is bounded to wheelchair and highly depends on others to do things for her. It's awful. It's terrible. I have forgotten her past treatment and have accepted her as a new person. I am glad she was turned around that way. She seems real to me more than anyone, because she learned from her actions. She has grown into a better person. I like her like that a lot. She has finally understood me.
Maybe after today we might get to talk more often. I still can't believe I am talking about Manal who insulted and broke my heart many times. Sometimes life gets you to meet the unexpected that you never imagined before. I always saw hate in her eyes for me. She couldn't even stand me for more than a second. Maybe it was not much of her fault the way she was. It was Bari ammi who raised her such way. She gave so much freedom that she got spoiled.
If it wasn't for the time, I would have filled the diary till the end, but I am tired. It looks like I will get a good night sleep. Yesterday in the night I woke up twice. I got scared. I thought someone was in my room. But they were just my thoughts. I have been overthinking lately. I can't relax. The fear always keeps me at edge.
Zoha clicked the ball pen and closed the diary. She was really tired. Her eyes were burning from straining in dim light.
It was eleven past and she realized she hadn't prayed isha. She used the bathroom, changed into her night clothes and pulled out the prayer rug. After wearing the scarf she began.
When she was done, she grabbed the dupatta and covered her head. Grabbing the prayer beads from the showcase, she sat in dadi's rocking chair. The cushion of it was really soft and comforting. While reciting first kalimah, she leaned back and closed her eyes. She was weary- nearly in the sleeping state.
Up till eleven fifty, she read four tasbeeh and stopped. She couldn't keep up anymore. With bleary eyes she switched off the lights and collapsed on bed.
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