I remember the tears that welled up in my mother’s eyes as she held me. My parents had been fighting like they always do. My mother had taken me out to buy new clothes since I finally grew out of mine, and once father found out, he was mad. He screamed at mom about how she wasted money, and she had tried to defend herself. I remember hearing the sound of my father’s hand slapping my mother across the face.

I ran out of my room, panicked about what was going on. I remember the look of hate that was in my father’s eyes that day when he saw me. “You… If it hadn’t been for you being born then none of that money we needed would have been wasted!” He was screaming. I trembled as his huge frame stood over me, his fist clenching. I heard my mother scream but I couldn’t make out what she was shouting.

Pain. Blood. That’s what I remember next. I had been wearing my favorite light blue shirt that day. Now the front had puddles of red drenching it. I lifted my hand up to my face, feeling the blood coming from my nose. My mother screamed. It hurt.

“What are you doing to our son!?” My mother shrieked, running to me and pulling me to her. “We never should have had a kid! Do you see what kind of position we put ourselves in the moment he was born?!” My father screamed, walking towards us. I cowered into my mother’s arms, I was afraid.

This was the first time my father had ever hit me. I knew he got angry when it came to money being spent, but I had never seen him get this angry before. He grabbed my mother by her arm and she screamed. “Get off of me!!!” She tried pulling her arm back, but with no luck. “Give him to me.” He yanked my mother away from me, throwing her to the side. He grabbed me by the front of my shirt, balling up his fist, and hit me once more. There was more pain. Unbearable pain. More blood poured from my nose, pooling at my feel. I screamed at the sight.

“Don’t scream you little brat!” He threw me down onto the ground, kicking me in the stomach. I was crying. I couldn’t understand why the man who was my father was hurting me so much.

“Don’t hurt him!” My mother yelled, having gotten up from the floor and was pulling on my father’s arm. “What has gotten into you?!” I could see the fear in her eyes. I always watched my father hit my mother growing up, and she always tried to cover it up, but I was always able to tell that she wanted to leave. They used to never fight. My father lost his job not long after I had been born, and since then he was never able to hold a job, putting us in a position of poverty that I was unable to understand back then.

For the first time in my life, I hated my father.

“I’m sorry I went and spent money without asking you, it won’t happen again, I promise!” Mother sounded frantic as if she hoped her words would snap him back to his senses. Surprisingly, it did. My father stared at her, looked at me, then walked away.

Mother rushed over to me and held me close, crying. “Baby, I’m so sorry, are you okay?” I felt like I couldn’t speak. I felt detached from myself. “Oh no, baby… I think your nose is broken.” She gently touched my nose, I flinched away in pain. “Let’s get you as cleaned up as possible, okay?” I could only nod as she helped me up and walked me to the bathroom.

Four years had passed since the incident happened. My father got more violent towards me. I started practicing fighting so I could protect myself and my mother. Some of my fights with my father would get out of hand, and law enforcement had to get involved. I didn’t care, I just wanted my father dead.

“Honey, where are you?” My mother called out from the hall. “In the bathroom, you can come in though!” She appeared in front of the door. “What are you doing?” She questioned. I shrugged. “Nothing really.” She looked me up and down, spotting some blood on my shirt. “What happened? Why is there blood in your shirt?” I looked down at the spot and frowned. ‘I should have changed my shirt, how stupid of me.’ I shrugged. “I’m not sure what happened ma, but I’m fine.” She looked worried. “Well make sure you’re clean for dinner, you know that your father likes for us to be clean at dinner.” I rolled my eyes. “As clean as we can be, considering we haven’t been able to pay the bills to afford to be clean or have food.” “Just clean up, alright?” I sighed. “Okay, ma.”

The blood had actually come from an animal I had just put to rest out in the woods close to our house. Of course, I never wanted to do it. The poor thing was already bleeding out to death when I came across it. Its ribcages were exposed, I was surprised it was still breathing. It panged my heart to see it like that, I wanted to help put it out of its misery.

Once she walked away, I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading on my face. I finally had a plan to get myself and my mother out of this dump.

Silence. That’s all there ever was at the dinner table, whenever we got to have dinner. The only noise was the sound of chewing. My father watched both of us closely, he always did. If there was even a crumb left on our plate, it would send him into a frenzy. I needed to keep my mother safe for just one more night before I could get her out of there.

I finished my food and washed my dishes. “I’m heading to bed now.” I kissed my mother’s cheek, giddy for the next day to come to finally be free.

For the first time in years, I woke up feeling alive. I was ready to get out of there, ready to go start a new life. Whenever my father wouldn’t be home I had gone out and done small odd jobs to save up some money. I finally had saved enough to get my mother and me away from my father. We wouldn’t have to go hungry anymore. We would be safe.

I waited until I heard my father leave, then I made a beeline straight to my parent’s room where I knew where my mother would be. She always hid away in their room when my father was going around the house, getting whatever ready so that he could leave.

“Mom! I want you to gather anything important to you and pack up. We’re leaving.” She looked at me in confusion. “What do you mean we’re leaving?” I stared at her. “I mean that we’re leaving this place and never coming back.” Her expression changed from one of confusion to one of shock. “But… How are we going to leave? We have nowhere to go, we have no money.” She bit her bottom lip. It was obvious she was uneasy about leaving. I could understand that she didn’t want to make our situation get any worse than what it was.

“Ma, trust me, we need to get out of here, and now is our only chance!” She stood there frozen, I had to stop myself from getting aggravated. “Ma, please. I wouldn’t try and get us to leave if I wasn’t sure about it! Just… Wait right here.” I ran back to my room, grabbed the cash that I had saved, and brought it to her. “Look at all of this, ma! I saved enough to be able to get us out of here for good. We no longer have to be beaten and used, we could have a better life!” Her eyes widen at the sight of the money, hesitation flashed in her eyes.

“Ma, I have the money, so let’s leave. I already have my important stuff packed and ready to go.” She nodded. “Okay, I’ll get my stuff together, and we’ll leave. Wait for me in the living room.” I nodded, going to my room and grabbing my stuff, heading to the living room with a practical hop to my step.

It wasn’t long before mother met me in the living room with her stuff. She had a faint smile, the look in her eyes made it obvious that she was relieved to be leaving. “Are you ready? There’s no going back.” I glanced at my mother’s hand, noticing that she still had on her wedding ring. “What are you going to do with that?” I pointed at her ring. “I thought we could pawn it, that way we could get some extra money to help us out.” She spoke softly, looking down at the ground.

I grabbed the front door and held it open. “After you.” She walked out her door holding her two bags of belongs and she paused in the front yard. I grabbed my bag and followed her out of the house, smiling up at the sky. I felt free.

“Even though this place only has bad memories, it’s been the only home I’ve had for years. I’m going to miss this house.” My mother said, smiling sadly. I walked up to her and hugged her. “It’s going to be okay, we’ll find a new house, make better memories. You would never have to leave the place you call home ever again. You’ll never be hurt again.” I smiled at her. I just wanted my mother to genuinely be happy.

“Well, the longer we wait to leave the closer it gets to your father returning, so let’s head out.” She said with a nervous chuckle. I couldn’t have agreed more.

We both looked back for one more glance of the house, giving it a silent goodbye. We were never coming back.

Not by free will.