《Sub》Chapter 3
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End of the shift for today. Another day like any other. Uneventful and repetitive. But it was over, and the time there will be forgotten with time itself. With that being done, I am able to spend the rest of the day doing whatever I am led to. Nothing is set. Free with nothing tied.
"You don't have anything to do today, do you?" asked Lisa who was done the same time I was.
"Not that I planned," I answered honestly.
"Then do you want to tag along for coffee?"
"Didn't we just do that just yesterday?"
"What does that supposed to mean? I'm not forcing you. Just thought I'd ask if you had nothing else to do. That's all."
No reason why I should decline. I have said it already, nothing is set.
"Sure. Why not."
"Alright then! Come on."
Today is considered to be sunny. No clouds in sight. Should be a good day to most, yet I do not feel anything for it. My preference is the rain. The harmony of raindrops that ring into my ears are soothing, like melodic chimes playing in rhythm. The distaste others have over the wet world means less people outside. Something I prefer. Hard to feel at ease when so many others are out and about. Always felt as though the air was heavy whenever I found myself stuck around them. Was as though I was drowning in the crowd. Of course that is a simple exaggeration but the feeling could not be shaken off.
"Hey Rob?" Lisa shoots at me during this journey to the cafe. Eyes looking up to mine.
I respond, "Yeah?"
"You seem to have a really hard look on your face. Did something happen?"
"It's nothing."
"That's good to hear... Oh, that's right! Have you gone to college or anything?"
"Nope. Just haven't gotten around to it and by the time you know it, it just zooms by you."
"I mean, you're still young. It's not too late to start."
I desire to be honest but topics like this are best for me to keep shut.
I say, "There's nothing I can think of that's good for me. I'll figure something out eventually."
Lisa's expression goes quiet as her eyes are directed to the side. "Oh," is all she said about that.
Rest of the walk had Lisa talk about her daily life of saving up for college, taking it easy after high school, the simple things. Nice to listen to simple things. The world does seem a little brighter when you change the lens. To see for what it really is though, you have to take it off.
Before we knew, we were inside the cafe. Busier than yesterday. At least half of the seats were taken by others. Like the last time there was a waitress, the same from yesterday, who welcomed us and got ourselves a seat at a vacant table. And after that, Lisa's talk continues, now about a vacation she is planning with a few others, a concert she and her friends went to, and... Must be nice to have something to grab your attention on a constant basis. Never a dull moment for someone like her. I am admittedly envious.
The waitress was quick with us, "What would you like to order?"
Lisa came first, "I'd like the caramel latte."
And then it was me, "Coffee. Black."
"Caramel latte and a black coffee. Alright. I'll be back with your drinks."
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The waitress disappears from sight as Lisa returns to sharing her stories. It is okay this way. Never was a talker myself.
"So hey, Rob. You've done anything interesting lately?" Lisa said.
"It's only been a day since we last talked," I tell her.
"That doesn't mean there's nothing. You barely talked."
"Did I?"
"You did?"
"I thought I did. Do you have an objection?"
"Umm..." Lisa seems to have the expression of having question marks twirling around her.
"More importantly, how has your music stuff been doing?"
"It's only been a day, Rob," she said with her head turned away from my own.
"You are right," I lean back as I recall what I said yesterday.
I have said something that can take time to sink in. Telling her how she should simply give up on her dream she has been working on for some time. Was a bold statement. To give up on something that was supposed to be your future. Having spent many hours worked on. Actively making it a piece of you. It was tough to soak in. That was when I realized bringing that up was a mistake.
"I'm not going to give up just because you said something like that. It's my passion and making a living through it is my dream," Lisa said with her voice being much bolder than before. Her previous cheery demeanor has slipped away.
Stayed in silence as I noticed the waitress was moments away from serving our drinks but the few moments moved painfully slow as though my own blood flow slowed down with it.
"Here's your coffee and your caramel latte. Enjoy!" the waitress has come and now gone.
Back to whatever tasks are at hand and for me to go back to the conversation with Lisa.
I say without thinking, "The problem is not only because the market is saturated, it is the fact that studios are now at home and anyone who is slightly interested can give a shot. This can apply to a bunch of other shit that is a creative but impractical field like movies, comics, or music. The path you are on is a flood and is made even worse when your vision of getting there is so big. The world does not need so many people to work in such a field. There only needs to be a handful to keep the world afloat. There is so much competition, especially in this era that you need to be in the ten percent to get any attention, and also be in the ten percent of that to get the recognition you seek, which is being 'big' and 'famous' which I believe was your claim. Everybody else simply drowned from the high volume. They get buried and never dug out. They cannot be living off of that."
"But...I mean...yeah," Lisa responded.
"Dreams are not the most important thing in life. That is just a slogan to sell you the latest new gadget or a way to bury you in debt. There is opportunity for a much more practical and stable lifestyle and yet nobody wants to look at that."
"What about you, Rob? Have you found something outside of where you are right now? Are you happy with how things are for you?"
When I thought I was putting some sense into this girl, she had hit me with a question I am finding difficult to answer myself.
"I am happy in reality. Why would I not be?" I said with a convincing look, "I'm happy in reality."
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Lisa's eyes became sharp, "Hmm... You don't sound very convincing, and it's not the tone of your voice either."
"What is it then?"
"Are you really happy working at where you are right now? You're never enthusiastic. You're always quiet and only talk when somebody comes up to you first. That could just be how introverted people act but I can't ignore that it's like you're disconnected from everybody else."
"..."
"I mean, I'm not trying to offend you but I just want you to be honest with me."
"No. Everything's fine with me."
"Oh... Is that so."
The air between us has gone silent. We started having the small talks like before but there was a sense of unpleasantness above us. Lisa's voice has gotten slightly shaky and I couldn't help but let my eyes wander around, not being able to look at her.
Was not long until Lisa realized she had to go. We left the cafe and said our goodbyes. There was nothing else for me to be doing but go back to the apartment. It was during my walk that I began to think about Lisa. The fact that she has a cheap narrative of becoming famous swimming in her head curdles my stomach. Makes me want to ask how we got ourselves to a stage such as this. May sound nice to become a musician and play a role in many people's lives but why does she have to become so big, so famous? Is that what she is really looking forward to? Invite all the top celebrities to her "you made it" party? Be featured on trendy websites and be spread across the world. Seeing your name on a golden plate does sound nice but fame is a luxury and should be treated as such. I suppose we live in a time where such a thing is much more achievable than a decade ago but should it be something to be held on such a high standard? Must you seek the approval of others to feel your life is validated? Are there not smaller but better things that can be pursued? It may not sound like fun but should you continue blindly pursuing your dreams, stick to your passion and ignore the opportunities that may come? If that is the case, have I encountered a missed opportunity? Perhaps the seeds that were planted are simply taking its time to grow? They say good things happen to those who are patient. Do I apply? Does she apply? Perhaps none of us do?
The day is ending. The night is settling. Time to take a rest.
The mall's food court is where I ended up eating. Burger with fries and a drink. Sitting at this table by myself. Was the appropriate time for everybody else to be sitting down and chowing away their respective meals. Sitting in their own seats that surround mine. Really crowded now that I took a look around. But had to wonder why all the other tables around me were so far away from mine. The design choice was awful. There was nobody near me at all. Just me left by myself.
"He's always alone," someone said from the other tables.
"All he does is draw during recess. They're not even good. Even I'm better than him," someone else jumps in.
"He also talks weird," the chatter builds up.
"Why can't he be normal?" it builds up and doesn't stop.
"So creepy!"
"Probably messed in the head."
"Careful! It might be contagious!"
"I think he's looking at us!"
My eyes pointed towards everybody in this food court. Can feel the heat burning inside me. My anger reaches its limits. Wanted to yell, scream and make everyone here disappear. Had enough with the shit. Got up from my seat without care. Fists were clenched and there I punched the air in front. Nobody was there when I did but my fist hit flesh. I hit somebody. Whoever the unfortunate person was, I saw them fall to the ground. Back landing onto the floor. That is when everything went quiet. The noise halted. The people vanished, even the person I punched. Gone. I did not want this to happen. Just wanted everyone to stop. Why did they have to be like this? What did I do that was wrong to everybody? Perhaps I was meant to be alone. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. If that is the case...fine...
As I gaze back across the room there was a single person who was sitting in what I thought to be an empty food court.
"Hey, Rob. You got that guy real good," it was Elizabeth.
"Shit would not stop. Did what needed to be done," I told her.
"Creeps like us should stick together."
"No doubt about it. I would not know what to do if I ended up being truly alone."
"Being alone is a scary thing. I don't know what I'd do if I was trapped alone in my own world. Nobody to talk to, turn to, look to. Spend time with, smile with, just to be with. Left to be by yourself forever? Should drive anybody crazy."
"I agree. Sometimes I look outside and end up talking to myself because I am all on my own. Not even sure what I am even doing with myself."
"What do you mean, Rob?"
"I do my best following what I was meant to do and yet nobody wants to give me recognition. No support, no encouragement, nothing. Nobody sees me as anything. Nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. Everything is a mess and I am starting to believe I really do hold nothing. Not sure what I am supposed to do. They told me I had something, I was destined to do and be something great. Yet, here I am. Nothing to show for myself."
Without a notice, here I was. Standing in a stretch of darkness. The food court, Elizabeth gone. The only thing that remained was me. Nobody else. A chill was rushing through me. The cold fact that this was meant for me. To walk endlessly in solitude, unable to form anything with anybody. Could not put a smile on anybody's face. Pushed away until everybody was too far to make out.
When I was ready to accept the darkness to take me away, felt the presence of something behind me. Turning back, I saw it. The mirror from sometime ago. Have seen it before but I cannot remember when or where. Staring into its reflection, saw something fuzzy, muddy. Was it me? Was it someone else? Whoever it was, they spoke.
"Wake..." was what they said.
I was shaking. "What," is all that escaped from me.
"Up... Wake...up..."
And after that, it all stopped. Realized I was back in my apartment. My body came back to control. Tried to recollect what went on when I was asleep but there was nothing except for a food court, Elizabeth, and the mirror. The goddamn mirror.
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