We will now have a brief inquiry in sexuality.

When people feel love, they first doubt it. I, too, doubted my own feelings. Even more so since it was the first time it happened for me. How I finally realized the fact that my feelings toward Song Sori were ‘romantic’ was when I started having sexual desires about her. Some people might’ve had the opposite experience. Certainly, I’ve heard people say they realized it was pure love when they didn’t feel any sexual desires for someone. But I’ve never felt sexual desires for men. And even amongst women - the few that existed - Song Sori might’ve been my first. (The choice of wording is deliberate.)

I also have a few words to say about this word, ‘pure.’ It is a word even more foolish than love. (Is there a term for words about things that don’t exist?) Humans are not pure. We aren’t clean either. Humans are dirty, rough, and treacherous. There’s not a single instance where a human won’t have a million different kinds of thoughts for any given situation. (Most of them sexual, of course.) Our bodies are hideous and constantly discharge secretions. We vomit for nothing at all and spew liquid from their eyes while watching images that mean nothing.

But something that does apply to humans is ‘gentle.’ The skin of humans is comprised of very thin cells. These cells aren’t much useful besides for their regenerative purposes. Humans can die from the slightest wounds. Indeed, there isn't an animal more susceptible to death than humans. We don’t even think of death as just a physical phenomenon. There’s social death for when you’re abandoned by comrades, historical death for when you're forgotten from memory, etc. They categorize it further, like that. This word, ‘pure’, then you can say, is a form of standard for when you meet this ‘social death.’ But humans are so mentally fragile that this veil known as ‘purity’ is soon torn apart.

Why do people enforce this concept of ‘purity’ unto ‘sexuality’? It’s like putting ‘equality’ together with ‘capitalism.’ It’s an oxymoron. I’ve never fantasized about Song Sori’s body as clean - in other words, ‘unkempt.’ (I’ll try my best not to objectify her.) I imagined her dirty parts. It was difficult. Not because I’ve never seen them. But because I didn’t want to. Though, that desire to shatter the glass wall was also an element of the fantasy. I imagined doing rough things with her. I got depressed even thinking about it. It was partly because it was unrealistic, but also because I didn’t deserve to have those thoughts. I thought I knew her better than anybody else, that I treated her more human than anybody else; but in the end, I was treating her like an object as well. But Song Sori was the first person who I’ve thought of like that. So I was sure this was love. I kept thinking of these things, even though I didn’t want to. Thus, love was something I couldn’t help but follow, despite not wanting to.

Perhaps this’d be better described in literal terms. But first, a disclaimer. Even if this is from when I was young, as an adult now, going back to these memories and describing them is not a good look. So I will try my best to keep them short.

I first started looking at Song Sori in a sexual way when I saw her naked.

Perhaps I mentioned this before, but I was in charge of the attendance record. Which meant I was the one to lock the door when it was time for classes outside the classroom. And once it’s done, I had to hurry back and unlock it before anyone else came. Nobody could even remember there was such a role after awhile. It wasn’t necessary either, because it’s not like there was anyone trying to sneak in during a class. But I did my task as it was given.

It was right before gym class. I waited in one of the stalls until everyone got out of the bathroom. I hated changing clothes in a dirty place like this. But most of all, I was disgusted by the thought of changing with everyone else. And I knew I would be the last one to go out. So no one ever noticed if I came to the gym a little late. I decided I would head back to the classroom to lock the doors and get changed at my leisure.

I opened the door and looked inside without thinking. Standing there was Song Sori, in a classroom that should’ve been empty. The lights were off and the sunlight was shining on her as the only source of light. She was taking her top off. It looked like she was done with her bottom already. I saw her breasts. The light was illuminating that part clearly. They were small. Why weren’t there any underwear over them? I didn’t have time to think about that. She lifted her arms up. I saw her armpits. Her body was clean. Song Sori’s physique was petite. Like I could just grab her. Maybe it was because I saw her from afar. But every part about her was small.

(Oh my God. What am I even doing. Why am I alive. Fuck, what the hell am I doing with my life.)

Just up until then, Song Sori didn’t know I was standing there. I tried to turn my head and walk away. To where? That’s a good question. My gym outfit was in my bag. But is it even time to think about something like that? I wanted to run away. It still wasn’t too late. I could still pretend I didn’t see anything.

“Is that you, Sia? What are you doing there?”

I turned my head. Song Sori was already in front of my eyes. I almost screamed. She had her gym top in her hand. She probably saw me standing there, rolling my legs like a dumbass. When I saw Sori’s body, everything else in the background went white. I held my breath. I couldn’t see my face, but I was probably making a terrible one. A horrible, bright red face.

“You!” Now that I think about it, I did scream.

“Yeah?”

“Why... Why isn’t there anything?” I chose the wrong words.

“What? Is that a joke?” Song Sori frowned. She didn’t think it was funny.

“I can see everything!”

“Oh...” She didn’t even try to cover them with her hands.. “Well, it’s itchy.”

“Are you mad?!”

“What's with you.”

“You really are.”

“Okay, Sia, you’re being really...”

“Cover it! Cover!” I covered my eyes with my hands.

“Aren’t you getting changed? You’ll be late.”

“I’ll do it in the bathroom!”

Sori shook her head. “...Weren’t you just coming from the b-”

I slammed the door shut. The echoes spread across the empty hallway. I just sort of stood there. Even with the door between us, her image wouldn’t leave my mind. So I closed my eyes. It was actually easier to imagine her with a black background. I wanted to scream. I kept running out of breath.

I ran from there. I ran away to the gym. I ran to control my thoughts. I ran until I couldn’t think about anything. Everyone looked at me weirdly when I came in. But I couldn’t care less about that. I still couldn’t forget her body. In fact, I will not be able to for the rest of my life.

I told the teacher that I was sick and skipped that class. I sat on the floor, hearing the balls bounce. I saw Song Sori come in late, holding the attendance record. I ducked before we could meet our eyes. Throughout the whole class, I buried my face in my arms. When the bell rang, I looked to my side. The record was there. I waited until everyone left. When I arrived at the classroom with the record (which has the door key) everyone was standing in front of the door very confused. I ignored them and unlocked the door without saying anything. The next day, I had a fever and didn’t go to school.

The fever was a lie. But my parents didn’t care. My phone call with my teacher didn’t last more than a few dozen seconds. That doesn’t mean he was apathetic. He already knew of my ‘condition’ and would let stuff like this slide. I felt a great amount of guilt. I didn’t really mind not going to school. But I felt responsible for who I’ve become, not even seeing Song Sori’s face.

It was true that my body was heating up. I covered myself with sheets. I stared at the wall. I didn’t want to think about anything. It was hard to sleep, like I had gone back to when I hadn’t met Sori. I was anxious; my head filled with weird thoughts. I would have rather died.

I remembered her body. I moaned. My voice was muffled by the blanket. I felt hotter. When I tried to forget her body, I remembered her face. That was even more embarrassing. When I purged the memory, I remembered the day before. Song Sori, who had ignorantly showed her beauty. I moved my fingers.

I heard a door opening. I don’t know how much time had passed as I twisted my body around.

“Are you okay?”

It was Song Sori. She had her bag so she must’ve come from school. Are classes already over? I didn’t even realize the time. I was glad I was staring at the wall, and not the door. Though, I didn’t have much time to be glad.

I instinctively tried to cover my face but I soon realized how stupid I would look. I tried to look for a mirror. There wasn’t such a thing in my room. Sori let herself into my room and shut the door. I tried to comb my hair with my nails. My last ditch effort. I think I heard Sori laughing.

“Oh, your mom let me in.” Sori nonchalantly explained.

“What the hell, is she insane. Why are you here.”

“Yeah, I came to give you these worksheets. Our class doesn't get many absences, you know. This is my first time doing something like this. I’m the class rep, so I gotta do it. Didya know that, by the way? That I’m the class representative?”

“Do not care. Is that actually the reason?”

“Actually? Yeah...?”

“Leave that there. Please go, now.”

Sori put down the papers she was holding on a table. She looked around my room for a moment. Then she stopped after noticing my glare. I couldn’t look at her anymore, so I started staring at the wall again.

“Are you mad at me, Sia?” Sori said.

“What.”

“Did I do something wrong yesterday? You’re always sorta like this but... Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re usually not very talkative but I was worried after I heard you were sick. And it almost feels like you don’t want to see me right now.”

“That’s not it. I want to be alone.”

“Why?”

“It’s none of your fucking business.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? Why would you... I...” My throat started to hurt and I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Huh? Are you alright?”

“This is all... Because I... You-”

I felt like crying. Even so, I turned my head to her. She was standing right in front of me. I could even smell her scent. Sori looked me in the eyes. Her eyebrows were lowered; she looked incredibly sorrowful. What did she see in my eyes that made her so sad? I don’t know. At that moment, I just wished she would go away. To leave my mind.

“I am sorry. Okay? So please come to school tomorrow. Alright?”

“Okay. Go now.”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow, Sia.”

I went inside the blanket again. I only heard the sound of a door closing. I could hear myself pant. I closed my eyes. Song Sori’s voice lingered on, like a siren in my ears. I crouched my body like a cocoon. I felt my own sweat. My body was so hot that I couldn’t think properly. But I couldn’t sleep. I kept shutting my eyes. I could see her body. Her in a school uniform that I just saw and her naked which I saw yesterday - they overlapped in my eyes. I felt disgusted at myself for thinking such things.

My bottom hurt. I put my left hand in my chest and breathed roughly. I used that hand to fondle my breast. A simple manner of relief. Perhaps it was an accident in the middle of arousal, or plain instinct, but my fingers pinched my left nipple. I think I let out my voice. My left hand started touching my crotch. Electrical signals shocked through my body from my lower half. My body grew hotter beyond control. I panted. I remembered Song Sori’s scent. The fuzzy image of her body from yesterday became clearer. I moved my fingers and unconsciously shouted her name. Her voice, her scent, and her body - her everything broke me down. In that moment, it was as if all of my shame and guilt were being washed away.

I learned this that day. If you orgasm while shouting the name of the person you love, it feels better than usual.