When I was just a kid, I would just sit in a chair in front of the TV and just watch cartoons whenever I am bored but, now, I'll be sitting in a chair and could just stare blankly, do nothing at all but still, my mind is filled with a lot of things- good things, terrible things, naughty things and some fucked up ones. It just won't stop. At some times, my mind will think about punching someone in the face, or jumping from a cliff or from the top of a building... or stab myself while in a public place- it's either I kill someone or I kill myself.

I cannot imagine how fucked up my mind is right now. How damaged it is. I am totally losing it. After all, what happened hours ago, I am truly scared of what I can do, to myself and to the people around me. I just sit here in the silence of my own, staring blankly into nothing, people won't stop moving around, talking with each other, munching their foods and all those stuff. No worries, no sorrows, no pain to suffer, they're just there, doing their businesses.

Boy, I am so upset right now, about the fact that it is so unfair- that this is unfair. Why does life suppose to be this hard for some people? Why is there suffering? Pain? Sorrow? Regrets? Why does it need to be part of our lives? Can we just live without those? These questions are not for me, nor for other people to answer. It's just... It's hard you know. It's hard to accept that we live in a reality where you cannot be happy all the fucking time, there will always be some bad days- for fuck sake! Why?!

You must not cry...

You must fight it...

I told myself those words while I sit here but it didn't work. To imagine that I am the only one who can uplift myself in this kind of situation, even though I needed someone to be with me right now is sadder than Jack Dawson's death in Titanic. I grabbed my towel and wiped my whole face with it, just to hide my tears and the emotion so that other people could not see that I'm crying like a little girl.

I wanted to kill myself, right here, at this very moment. I really do. But all I could do is imagine, just picturing myself with the knife on my grip and stabbing myself as hard as I can... that is all I could do for I am scared- damn it, I am scared. I could just do it right now, I have my knife hidden in my bag, wrapped under a thick cloth but, I didn't. A part of me wanted to leave this screwed life of mine while the other wanted to stay because it was scared, afraid yet there is still something that I feel; a tiny hint of hope, here, somewhere inside of me... I just gotta look for it and when I find it, maybe... maybe I will grab it and hold onto it.

Yeah, maybe I'll do that...

I am in a very dark place at that time and I also feel so far from others, like I'm in a very high place- a cliff, let's just say that I was in a cliff and I have the opportunity to jump off and just kill myself but, like what I said, it is dark, yet I know that I am on a cliff, standing on its edge. I have the will to lift myself and toss my body willingly and just fall, 'L Appel du Vide' is the thing that came into my mind on that particular situation. It is also known as The Call of the Void in which you feel that jumping on a cliff is a good idea. In my situation, I could just easily stab and kill myself but, I was scared- scared of what I did not know yet. I was scared of the unknown. If I kill myself, what would happen? If I did not kill myself, what would I do? What happens next?

You see, I would love to jump on this cliff but, I should see what is underneath before I do. I cannot see clearly what lies below, that is why I decided to put my new book inside my bag, stood up, and began walking. I went home and decided not to kill myself, for I am a coward, a foolish man who tried to defy his own belief and faith for himself.

Yes, I made a mistake...

Yes, I am sick...

Yes, I have mental problems...

Yes, I consider myself 'insane'...

It is amazing how life could be a hell for some people sometimes, it's just like that. I do not understand some things in this reality and I hate it but, you see, I am broken, and my perspective would be different from how it's supposed to be. I walked for miles and miles that Saturday and almost killed myself but, I do understand some parts of it- one of them was life is not meant to be easy nor perfect, there will always be ups and downs included in it but, it is not for us to suffer or to be punished, it is because we need to learn and to know some part of ourselves that you haven't been seen or discovered, without our sufferings, we will not see the true worth of our lives, we will not know how to live it or cherish it. Knowing some of our own weaknesses can be one of our strengths at some point in our lives.

I know that I am a different person now. I have my own personal issues. I get anxious, depress, or feel like a complete psycho and I will never recover or be healed, I know that. There's a wound inside my mind and it will never be fixed, not by anyone or anything but by myself. When I decided to go home- alive -I got into our house, knocked on the door three times like I always do and the door was opened for me and my mom asked me about what book I bought and I told her and went directly into my room. My little sister was a bit jealous and wanted to buy her own book too. My brother was fixated on his phone. I had my coffee and took a shower... and felt totally fine at that moment. I went home because it's my choice... after all, you just gotta choose the cliff where you would want to jump and take a risk just to see what lies underneath, even if you do not see it at all.

THE END.