I got home that night. I don’t remember how. I had my fix so I slept.

***

Thursday, November 17

I came out of sleep in the early afternoon. Sharon was out. My body moved me to the kitchen to eat, as it would on any normal day, but I wasn’t hungry. I stood there looking at bowls and cereal as if they were things out of my past. I remember using them, they were part of my old life. I stood there, confused, wondering how I had ever been hungry. I wasn’t now. Strange.

I moved to the bedroom and my desk. Again, out of bodily habit; this is what I did at home in the morning. I sat at the desk and looked at the computer. I saw emails but nothing I needed to do. I had no classes that day. I didn't read the emails, mind you, I just looked at the inbox and knew I wasn’t going to do anything with any of the emails there. They were calls from the past; there was nothing there for me now. I switched off the computer and got up to go. I didn’t know where, but the body had the old habits, so maybe out to the bike for a ride. The computer popped back on and began flashing. I don’t know if you remember the mid 90’s when banner ads were the thing on websites; you would go to a site from your AOL account and a big flashing ad would come up at the top of the screen. Something like: “CLICK HERE - YOU WON!” It was like a casino on the top and sides of websites, with flashing banners screaming at you to click them. I hated it, like you probably did too, but got used to ignoring the flashing because I had to find out how the Pirates were doing or to hate watch Bonds’ stats in San Francisco.

The computer turned back on and started blinking with a banner ad all red, white and blue. It was a patriotic fireworks display on my laptop with that federal eagle on both sides and the words: “UNITED STATES HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES DEPARTMENT URGENT MESSAGE CLICK HERE IMMEDIATELY!” Here comes the shared memory for this day: Mrs. Stern Government Voice. If you spoke to her, I know you have a special place in your heart or maybe the pit of your stomach for her. The flashing made me laugh. It was cheap. You remember how hokey it looked? Like a cheap-assed scam site trying to get you to a timeshare in Florida. It worked though; I clicked the banner and was led to the HHS landing page. On the top of the page was another flashing banner- why was the government stuck in the 90’s? - with a text box and a blinking cursor demanding: “ENTER NAME. LAST, FIRST.” Already, I was confused.

This one had the words: SAMPLE DETERMINATION - CLICK IMMEDIATELY!

Underneath were a few paragraphs of legalese with the government flavor that makes it especially dense and dangerous. Pennsylvania state legalese tries to have a happy flavor with a bunch of “Thank you for being a part of the solution!” and such but this was the federal style with no encouragement, just details about agencies involved, dates of when acts were passed and threats of imprisonment. Something in it worked though, cause’ I entered Last Name & First and was taken to the next page: YOU HAVE BEEN CLASSIFIED WITH A SIGNIFICANT RISK FOR VIRUS. YOU MUST UPLOAD YOUR SECOND SAMPLE IMMEDIATELY.

I remember actually looking around to see if there was another tube I got from the government behind the desk or under the bed. I was busy being devoured by a demon, so I knew I might be missing things in the normal world. Nope, no second sample tube around.

The site went on to tell me all the penalties I was in for if I didn’t get that second sample back: Imprisonment, fines, garnered wages. I actually felt frightened because if I was taken away I wouldn’t get my fix of Her; though I had a feeling she could find me behind prison walls if she wanted to. But still, I probably shouldn’t go to prison so I better follow the directions. Down at the bottom of the page was a number to call if: YOU HAVE LOST, MISPLACED OR DID NOT RECEIVE THE 2ND SAMPLE MAILER. That was me. There was a way out of prison and a life everlasting with Her- hallelujah! I dialed the 888 number.

I got good at the seven steps below after about the twentieth try. Got very adept at waiting just the right amount of time, without really listening to the recorded voice prompts, and finding my way out. How did you do? Did you time yourself? Remember how it began…? Mrs. Stern Government Voice welcomes you to her world: you are in the center of The Labyrinth. The Labyrinth from The Shining. It is cold, so you better get moving and find the way out. You hear Mrs. Stern Government Voice and know she will be your guide: “Welcome to the VIRUS INFORMATION COLLECTION INFORMATION HELP LINE.” She leads you, first, down a straight corridor with only one way to turn.

“Enter your social security number, using the touchtone keypad.” Mrs. Stern Government Voice is on your side. She is here to help you through the Labyrinth. “Enter your date of birth” She leads you to another turn, simple. You are going to be fine. 09 -15 -1974 # . Gotta press the # after this one. Mrs. Stern Government Voice didn’t tell me that. The first five times I entered my DOB I just waited. Alone in the cold staring up at the ivy covered walls and the snow growing higher around me. Where was she? Why has she left me? Then I hear her and she is angry: “Enter your date of birth. Now.” I do it again. I want to make her happy, she is my only way out and it is getting cold. Long pause again. Then she leaves me: “Goodbye.” She hung up! Wait, I don’t want to go to prison. I call back. I make it through the first two turns, I remember the way. Then I discover the magic # and am through the third turn. The first doubt begins to creep in: Isn’t she here to help me? How come she didn’t tell me to press #? Maybe she just forgot. She has a lot on her mind, with plague time raging and all the people calling. It just slipped her mind. “Enter your Virus Control number. The number can be found on the printed paper which accompanied your sample collection vial. If you have not received a Virus Control Number or a collection vial press the star key now.” This was a tricky corridor with multiple ways to go. It got me the first three or four times. Mrs. Stern Government Voice is a little confusing sometimes; am I relying on a confused guide to lead me away from jail? This is getting frightening. Remember this part? If you press the * key here because you didn’t get the Second vial then you are screwed. Mrs. Stern Government Voice sends you down the path where people who didn’t receive the First vial go. It is cold and winding; you are led through corridors of “Enter your home state” then, “Enter your date of birth” (remember the #?) “Confirm Address on File” “Social Security Number” and finally: “Enter your Race” with a list of eight to choose from. You are so cold by the end of this when you finally come to the place where she reprimands you for wasting her time because: “Our records indicate that you have returned your specimen vial. Goodbye.” There is no way to speed through the sequence; you have to listen to the full recording for each question before you enter your information, only to come to the end where she hangs up on you. I was afraid of Mrs. Stern Government Voice now but I needed her to get out. Just got to be more careful how I follow her- this is on me. She will lead me out, I just have to know how to follow her. I can do this. I am a Second vial man. I found the paper with my control number-Sharon had them kitchen magneted to the fridge prominently- and entered my number. I am through! “You are required to submit a second sample. Failure to do so will result in a fine, imprisonment of both, of up to ten thousand dollars and seven years. Press 1 if you believe you have not received a sample vial. Press 2 if you received a sample vial but have not returned it. Press 3 if you are unable to return your sample. All other callers, hold for further instructions.” Five more times into the cold and around to where I started. I learned to Just Wait. Don’t press anything here; if you do Mrs. Stern Government Voice gets pissed and sends you to the Didn’t Get a Vial path. Just Wait. There is silence and it is frightening, like she left you because she is tired of you not knowing where to go, but just sit it out. She comes back eventually. “If you believe you do not require testing press 1.” You aren’t stupid enough to press this right? I was but only once. Back to the beginning and fifteen minutes of daylight wasted. “If you have received a virus determination press 2.” I really thought this was the way out a couple times. Nope. If you got the “You will be contacted by a representative of the HHS department” message we did after we entered our first sample, well then, my friend, that is NOT a Determination. If you press 2 here and back you go to the Name, SS, etc. path and you are lost. Mrs. Stern Government Voice will give you the way, but you have to know how to listen.... “All other callers press 3.” Press it baby, press it…. “If you have not received a second vial press 1.” You see a light that looks like the end of the Labyrinth! You press and…. She doesn’t respond for a moment...makes you wait, Here’s where you know that she savors the anticipation, the fear...Mrs. Stern Government Voice feeds on your fear…. finally she comes back: “You need to speak with an HHS representative.” Another savoring pause, then. “All representatives are busy due to high call volume. Call back during the hours of 8am to 6pm Eastern Standard Time. Failure to speak with a representative will result in a fine, imprisonment or both.” She hangs up.

I spent the afternoon with Mrs. Stern Government and would've probably continued into the night if Sharon hadn’t come home. I heard the front door open and close while I was pressing through the Labyrinth and vaguely knew there would be trouble. I was still in the happy hangover haze so, nothing really bothered me, but I knew Sharon was going to bring something else to me as she came through the door. I felt her standing behind me and looked around after Mrs. Stern Government left me again:” You’re home.” I said. Sharon stood with a bag of groceries looking at me. She was mad. Furious. I wondered why she wasn’t yelling or screaming at me; through my haze I knew she knew something. How much or what I couldn’t tell but she knew I had been unfaithful. Sharon turned away without a word and went to the kitchen.

Silent furious Sharon was serious. I had only seen her like this once before. After a visit to Newark. I don’t think she told me the specifics of why she was so white-hot angry after that trip but I remember her coming home and radiating fury. She went out that night without telling me where and I was glad to see her go, even though I made a show of asking what was going on and getting all indignant about her stonewalling me. But I didn’t push too hard because I didn’t really want that anger erupting all over me and wasn’t brave enough, loving enough, to want to go through it with her. I let her go and counted my blessings. Tonight she was pounding groceries into cupboards and slamming the fridge; maybe she would go out again- I could hope. The slamming stopped and I noticed I was still holding my cell phone in my hand. I had been frozen looking out the bedroom door and listening to the rage tearing through the kitchen. I put the phone down and stood up. Didn’t have a plan after that so I just stood there, waiting. I heard the office door slam shut.

Underneath my haze, I knew I should go to her. I wanted to go to her. Underneath. The part of me that remembered the Obama speech and fought wanted to go to my wife. But that was underneath. On top, easier to stay with, was the hazy, easy, slow-rolling hangover. I stayed with the slow roller- you knew I would, right? I stayed hazy and no pain. Sat back down and stared out the window. Maybe I got back on the phone or I slept. I don’t remember. It’s almost another CUT but not quite; I have some memory of that night. I just don’t know what I did. I knew I was there, in my home and that my wife did not speak to me.

***

Friday, November 18th

Woke up. My soul longed for Her. The hazy, easy hangover was gone. Had gone a day without Her; I needed a fix worse than ever. Got up, headed straight for the door. Ran straight into Mrs. Ella in the hallway. “Morning Curt, how you feelin’?” What was she doing here? She iced in NC, right? Why was she standing in my Pittsburgh hallway? I mumbled something and moved past her to the door. Heard Sharon’s voice behind me. “Curt, you need help.” Turned to see my wife holding a book. The look in her eyes is very clear; fury and determination mixed with disgust. Like she was looking at a rug covered with dog shit from the new puppy. Diarrhea dog shit, strewn all over her beautiful rug. She had to clean it- it had to be done but she was near to vomiting disgusted with the smell. I was the dog shit. “Come in here and sit down, Curt.” Sharon said this through gritted teeth. Mrs. Ella standing there in my hallway for some reason and my wife looking at me like I am dog shit. I ran out the front door.

I literally ran from a whole mess of conflict imported from North Carolina featuring a disgusted wife in my home. It was cold. Pittsburgh November cold with the almost frozen rain shooting down out of the sky and whipped on by the wind. I didn’t have a coat but luckily I was wearing the jeans and sweater from the day before so there was no exposed skin at least. If I book I can make the walk from our home on Ellsworth to campus in twelve minutes, I time these things cause, if you haven’t noticed yet, I am a nerd. Riding my bike, which I wouldn’t do if I were in my right mind in this weather, I can do it in six. I was in my very wrong mind so I got the bike on the way out and made my way to campus. I hit the ground, the first time that day, trying to take the turn onto Moorewood. Wiped out taking the left way too fast and ended up skidding into the middle of the street. A bus almost hit me, apparently, and the driver had to slam the brakes so fast that one Mr. Thomas Dalember hit his head on the pole he was holding. Mr. Dalember gave an affidavit about this incident. He remembered it and me, clearly from that day. It is the first affidavit the government used to show my “pattern of terrorist behavior” in Shadyside over the weeks preceding the bombing.