Six months prior

I had been on two dates with Alex already. We haven’t shared our first kiss yet. Who knows maybe tonight will be the night! We are going to a symphony performance tonight. Alex arrived at my apartment dressed in a charcoal button down dress shirt and matte silver tie. His hair neatly slicked back yet a slightly messy fringe.

I wore a wine red ankle length dress. The sleeves were quarter length I had rented the garment specially for this evening.

We sat sixth row from the front, the music was breathtaking. I forgot how powerful music could be until that night.

Our first kiss was one I could not forget . We had just arrived to his house from going grocery shopping. One of my bags broke tomato’s we had bought for the pasta Alex planned, yes, planned. It did not get made. Tomatos spilled onto the floor. One of them split open. Bending down to pick it up he looked up at he with a smirk he said.

“ awesome sauce .”

I stared blankly at him .

” What .. do ..”

Alex burst into laughter squishing the tomatoe in his large hands.

“ I said awesome .. sauce .. now we have sauce..”

hold on a minute .. I should mention we had a few drinks on our walk back from the store.

I laughed hard watching him with tomatoe guts strewn at his feet while he took at hand towel cleaning his hands off then cleaning the floor.

“ here’s a great idea .. no. An even greater idea.”

He walked over to me pinning my frame between his and the refrigerator. He leaned in close to me his voice low.

“ let’s forego dinner tonight ..we could just be .. you know .. be.”

His accent was so cute as was his silly joking even in romantic times.

I nodded pushing past him picking up the tomatoes off the floor. Finally all the groceries put away we sat on the sofa to watch a movie. He must have been as disinterested as I was. He looked at me meanwhile I had been looking at him for the past five minutes, I was sure of it. He put his hand on my shoulder. He leaned in drawing nearer to me whispering in a seductive deep tone.

” I’d so rather be caught up in your starry eyes. May I kiss you? Just one kiss? Maybe a little more..”

His words were like heat to my melancholy heart. I let him draw even closer until our lips touched. We began to kiss deeply. I lay down pulling him alongside with me. On the way down he placed his tongue at my lips in a gentle caress. My lips parted allowing him to dive his tongue into mine. I remember how he tasted like bourbon blueberry tea. He moaned in the softest tone causing me to feel weak benieth him. My body had compleatly surrendered to him.

Late one afternoon I was late to see Alex because the shared washer and dryer was in use and I had yet to take care of my laundry for that week. I had just loaded my laundry into the washing machine when I turned around hearing a knock at the door. There was Alex beaming at me.

” Your not sorted today now are you .”

He walked over to me looking me up and down. Then turning to check the door.

He whispered inching close to me.

“ all clear .”

I looked at him feverishly tucking my hair behind my left ear. I knew he was thinking something kinky but what exactly ?

Alex placed his hand at my waist as he looked into my eyes. He sucked his bottom lip briefly. He eyes fixated on my naked small lips.

“ Alex..”

I fingered his T-shirt pulling him close to me. He smirked tilting his head to the side speaking darkly to me.

” You look so deliscious .. I want to taste your kiss on my tongue”

I was intrequed sexually at his words. He took me in his arms our foreheads touched for a short moment before he lunged at my mouth with his sloppy wet kisses. He breathed hot little sighs into my kiss while he picked lifted me up on the washing machine. I laughed at the loud noise our bodies made bumping the machine washing my clothes.

“ right here?” I laughed into his ear as his began sucking at the base of my neck. He breathed into my neck saying in his strong Scottish drawl.

” Oh yes... right here. I want you so hugely right now. .let’s have have some fun while we wait .”

He pulled at up my knee length skirt massaging my inner thighs. I blushed hard pushing his chest close to mine. I burried my face into his neck stifling a moan. I grasped at his hair while he swooned my body with his delicate fingers. I bit against his shirt collar as I moaned heavily against him.

“ a.,Alex . ..HA!”

I exhailed sharply. He giggled in my ear. Not the kind of cute giggle he usually had. Oh no. This was a haughty turned on giggle. His voice was deep and airy at my ear. Small breaks in his voice as he groaned.,

“ you like that ..”

My lips paused against his neck.

“ Gah! Fuck . Yeah ..”

unfortunately we were interrupted by the some young teens who warned down the hall high. Thinking they could have a conversation with the couple enjoying a passion moment in the laiundry room ...

present day

I spend the day fixated on his written words in that letter for me. Fear and frustration keeps my mind unable to focus on tasks required for that work day. Lunch break comes around I found myself cradling my head in my hands. My face screwed up in mixed emotions of heart- ache. Buzz/ buzz a text message had dropped in my mail box. I half excited reach for my latest edition smart phone he bought me. I looked through a series of unread messages many sent from my estranged sister. Marty who lived in Florida with some rich arse hole for a husband she loved pushing my buttons despite her being the older sibling. No messsge from Alex. I slumped over in my chair hoping something bad hadn't happened. Fearing the worst that he's left me for someone new.

This fear soon turns over into anger. Irregardless of his sadness surrounding his fathers illness I found I could not fully comprehend this change that's come over Alex. He had not been authentic with me about his family nor had he displayed very much emotional distress until recently. Yes he's been more sensitive but certainly had he explained earlier in the relationship we have, that maybe just maybe , he had a tense possibly estranged relation with his father and now with his father not having a strong change to live to see another drinking ground. That the illness had brought up some unresolved issue within Alex. Of which Alex has clearly been in denial of or avoiding within himself . I thought he owes me an explanation. It's time he was honest. Suddenly my phone slipped through my fingers. I bent over retrieving the miniature tablet- like rose-gold device banging my head on my desk on my way from retrieving the phone. Lunch break ends and I haven't eaten out of guilt for having not heard from him. As angered as I was he enchanted me with his Scotsman charm not to mention that irresistible accent of his.

I headed home from work later than usual. Head across town to drop by his place and collected my misplaced charger to charge my now dead phone hoping to have some clarity about his apparent upset over the father of his whom he rarely if not at all mentioned. I decide to confront him.

I turned the deadbolt entering his suit. It's not long before I felt something not right in the atmosphere. Then I saw him he stood in the doorway looking disheveled holding back tears in his eyes. The sight of him sends a look of shock across my face the anger melts away when I watched as the monsoon of flowing tears spill fourth from his pretty almond eyes. Taking him in my arms as he cries. I sat with him on the bed on top of a feather duvet.,he curls himself into my chest. I cautiously ask him

" why are you .. so., broken ., so devastated about your father. You hardly speak about life back in Scotland ., your friends, you father ,, I have failed to meet such an emotional human being especially a man."

I found out had left early that morning on urgent request from the agency. He still dodged the topic of his reason behind his upset about his father.

I chose to confess something I've kept within my heart most of my life.

" I have not known what real authentic love is.. my family can be emotional but not often to me . If I felt loved and let myself truly feel it, allow it into my heart it was as my family noticed and they punished me for having feelings.. they would take back their kindness. As I grew older I had a series of crap relationships after crap relationships., when I feel for a man he would tell me I'm needy. Then become tired of me and leave. Just leave. I guess my lack of security in my family had caused me to when I did feel loved, to hold onto it. To be so afraid to have that love ripped from me that I appear needy. So over time I hardened my heart .. becoming cold afraid to show or feel emotions or accept them from another person."

I asked him again

" why are you so broken "

He explained how he had been given a new 6 year contract. Then he finally gave me insight into his brokenness.

"I grew up in a religious family ., I am no longer practicing because I felt there was no room for God in my acting profession. Christian's are well, less cast ., their roles a far and few between .. they were soley cast in Christian films. I felt I needed to broaden my field my repertoire. I felt a fraud as a Christian when I look back at the roles I have played to further my career. I chose to sacrifice my beliefs for my profession. My family, particularly my father when he disapproved of any matter.. he was rather .. hugely clear in his words and actions to show his dissatisfaction. I lost my fathers respect and now I may never have a chance to mend this."

Alex felt he had no choice but to submit to the roles he had been offered because He wanted to further his career however this contract renewal made traveling back to Scotland to see his father every three months now impossible. He starts weep within my arms. I knew whatever he had with his father would eventually come to light. Hopefully He would trust me enough to open up. Seeing his tears for his father reminded me of all the times I tried to please my family. On the day my father died a large amount of unacknowledged grief hit you at full force. I think back to all the years of hurt and unmet needs my own father failed to meet for me. My heart felt sorrow reflecting back to that time in my life now years later the man I adore appears to be in a similar time in his life. I think

" at least he can bloody damn well grieve, cry ., I hadn't shed a single tear even two years after my fathers passing"

Tears of compassion felt warm when they fall from my eyes.

Leaning back Alex laid on my now tear stained silk blouse. His hair sweeping against my face each time he heaved heavy woeful sighs.

Heavy tear drops slide down my chin

" honey don't hold back. Let the tears fall."

I said to help comfort the man whom I adored. Minutes go by as he calms down wiping his face he looks up at me.

”I do have a reason that's keeping me here in regards to the six year contract renewal."

He asks me stay laying on my back when he goes into another room. Alex emerged from the room with a document in hand.

" You remember I told you how 5 years ago was cast as a lead role in a series back home ?"

I nodded wonerding where his words would go. He leaned over me his hands above my head one leg between my thighs the other rest one the other side.

" My agency was contacted they are shooting many projects over 4 years time one of them is a recreation of that series, they want me to stay the remainder of the six years to help wrap up promotional bits.. I'll be the lead role!