《Because of Karson》Chapter 29
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I anxiously paced around the park as my tongue ran over my paper white teeth. I gently kicked a rock as it moved a few inches away from me. The dirt flew into my face from the wind that was kicking up the debris. I walked in front of the bench I once sat on a few weeks ago and narrowed my eyes at it.
I huffed, giving in as I sat down on the familiar bench I sat on when I ran away from Jason. My leg moved up and down when I heard an engine roar from behind me. My body tensed, immediately knowing whose car that was.
I kept my eyes downcast as I heard someone's feet crunch on the gravel beneath them. I didn't dare to look up as I felt their presence sit beside me on the bench.
The musky smell invaded my nostrils as the familiar smell made my stomach twist with anxiety. I felt the heat of his gaze on the side of my neck, but I didn't bother meeting his eyes.
"Why did you ask me to meet you here?" I quietly asked as my feet dragged in the dirt to make a solid line below us. I still didn't look at him.
"I wanted to talk to you," he admitted as he sat still beside me.
I finally raised my head and turned to look into emerald eyes that were only inches away from mine. Karson wore a blank expression, no emotions visible anywhere. He met my gaze as I sucked in a sharp breath. He looked so good.
He wore a graphic t-shirt that showcased his large arms and paired it with baggy jeans. His shoes were an off white color, but it matched with his outfit perfectly. His midnight black hair rested perfectly across his forehead, the light gust of wind blowing a few strands out of his face.
"I'm so tired," I admitted, finally saying it out loud. I was tired of feeling mentally drained every single day.
"I know you are, princess," he sighed, looking ahead at the two young boys that chased each other near the swings. One boy was laughing, a huge smile covering his face as he ran away from the other boy. One of the two caught up to the other and tackled him to the ground, both of them falling into the wood chips as their breathless laughter filled the air.
We both stared at the young children having the time of their lives. Oh, how I wished I had the freedom of running around without a care in the world. I wished for just one moment, I didn't have to worry about anything.
I broke my gaze away from the young boys as I glanced down at my hands folded in my lap. My stitches were healing well and they haven't really been giving me a hard time. In a few days, the stitches should start dissolving.
"I wish you would talk to someone," he briefly stated, breaking the silence between us.
My eyes furrowed in confusion. "Why?"
"I'm not stupid, Dakota," he grunted as his emerald eyes caught my gaze. "I saw the way your mother treats you and I know something fucked up happened between you and Jason."
I sucked in a sharp breath as a lump began to form in the back of my throat. I felt sheer panic seep through my veins as I stared at Karson with sad eyes. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
"I see the way you treat your siblings. When I saw how your mother acted yesterday, it's almost like something clicked in my brain," he admitted as he averted his gaze to look past the swaying trees to his left. He took a deep breath and shakily exhaled as his jaw tightened. "You're mother obviously doesn't do shit, so you're the one who has to step in and do everything for them. You're so protective over them and it makes so much fucking sense now."
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I felt a single tear fall down my rosy cheeks as I felt too embarrassed to even look in his direction. "How did you figure this out?"
I felt his body shift as he slowly moved closer to me. I stiffened, my eyes wide as I continued to stare ahead of me. I focused on the children swinging back and forth on the swings. I focused on the leaves slowly falling one by one off the beautiful birch trees. I focused on anything to get my mind off of his body near mine.
"I notice things," he simply shrugged, not saying another word as his body relaxed against the bench.
"You do?" I asked suspiciously, slightly glancing over my shoulder as I watched him rub his jaw.
"When you had that nightmare," he paused before continuing, "You mentioned something about Jason and the way he touched-"
I abruptly stood up, my legs trembling beneath me as I turned on my heel to stare into his eyes. I narrowed my dull eyes at him, my breath coming out shaky as his eyes bore into mine.
"D-don't," I started, slightly shaking my head as vivid memories of Jason began to resurface. Karson knew way too much and I didn't like it.
"Dakota," he warned, his eyes swimming with a brief glint of concern as he carefully stood up. Gravel crushed below my feet as I took a step back.
"Karson, why did you really want me to come here?" I asked, my jaw clenching as I anxiously ran a hand through my hair.
"I want to help you, princess," he gently whispered as he walked towards me. His voice didn't hold any ounce of sarcasm or pity, just sincerity.
"Why do you want to fucking help me?" I bitterly spat out, my voice raising in anger as I thought about the possibility of him just trying to make a fool out of me. "You hate me."
"I don't hate you," he growled as his eyes turned a shade darker. There were only a few inches separating us. "Do you know how it feels when you see someone you care about get hurt, but you can't do anything? It fucking sucks."
I felt the breath get knocked out of me as his words echoed in my head. It fucking sucks to see someone you care about get hurt. He cared about me?
"You're fucking with me, Ryder," I denied, shaking my head as I gave a dry laugh. Why would he ever care about me?
In the blink of an eye, he had his hand wrapped around my waist as he pulled me closer. My eyes widened as my breath came out in short, ragged breaths. I had to control myself to not let my eyes fall to his lips.
"I'm not fucking with you, Dakota. I know how we act around each other. I know we argue all the time, but deep down in my fucked up brain, I care about you and I hate that I do," he growled, his eyes never leaving mine as his grip tightened around my waist.
I couldn't breathe. My mind was spinning as the warmth from his hands seeped through my thin clothes. My heart hammered in my chest as he just held onto me. I felt safe in his arms.
"Why do you care about me?" I breathed, my voice light as I kept my head low.
He finger lightly grazed beneath my chin, gently pulling my head up to meet his breathtaking eyes. I gulped, trying to swallow any fear that climbed its way up my body. His soft touch sent shivers down my spine as my breathing got shallow.
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"If only I knew, princess," he whispered, his eyebrows furrowed together, looking as if he was trying to figure out the answer. He gently traced over my jaw as his eyes dilated.
I leaned into his touch, giving into the warmth of his palm. I closed my eyes, finally letting myself forget about my mother and Jason. I only focused on this moment between Karson and I. That's all that mattered right now.
I didn't know what changed between us, but I knew something was different. Now, for some reason, I enjoyed the bickering between the two of us. I looked forward to talking to him any chance I got. The way he looked at me made my insides melt and made my stomach flutter with a new sense of nervousness.
We were different. I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He puts on a hard exterior for the world around him, but when it's just us two, he completely crumbles. He acts tough, like nothing bothers him, but deep down, he's just a broken boy who doesn't know how to heal.
"Sit down," I gently advised, slowly stepping away from his touch, but quickly grasping his hand in mine as I pulled him along. His fingers wrapped perfectly against the back of my hand, sending odd jolts of electricity up my arm. He lightly rubbed the back of my hand in comfort as we sat down on the bench.
I let go of his hand, placing mine into my lap as I fiddled with my fingernails. I turned my body, sitting butterfly style on the bench as we faced each other. His face was straight, not even a sly smirk pulling at his lips. His lips were pressed together in a thin line, but his eyes never left my face.
We sat in a comfortable silence, neither one of us bothering to break it. I inhaled a breath, trying to contain my nerves that piled in the pit of my stomach as I began to speak. I need to talk to someone, and for some reason, I felt oddly comfortable talking to Karson. "My nightmare that one night, it was about Jason."
He frowned, his jaw clenching as his eyes held a look of concern. "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want-"
"I want to," I interrupted him, shifting uncomfortably as I tried to find the right words to tell him about Jason. I needed to get something off my chest or else the pressure would soon suffocate me.
He hesitantly nodded his head as he gave his full attention to me. No smirk, no smug expression, no snarky remarks, nothing. Karson was letting me be vulnerable around him.
"As you can tell, my mother isn't...well," I chuckled dryly, trying not to let my mind drift off to how much she's truly hurt me over the years. Karson slightly frowned, but nodded his head to tell me it was okay to continue. "Well, when my dad died of cancer when I was 14, she started using drugs and alcohol."
"She didn't know how to cope with the loss her of husband, and I didn't know how to cope with losing my dad. I'm the oldest, so I had to stay strong for Olivia and Jace who were only 12 and 2 at the time," I swallowed, my mouth dry as I wasn't able to stop the words from falling out of my mouth. I felt a few pounds fall off my shoulders as I continued to open up to the boy next to me. Who would've thought I'd be opening up to the boy I once hated?
Once?
"Jesus," he whispered under his breath, slightly shaking his head as his eyes visibly darkened.
"That's not even the worst part," I snorted, trying to keep the mood light even though I was opening up about my fucking life story. "We would never see her. She would be gone for a few days, sometimes she'd even be gone for weeks. While my siblings were still mourning, I had to mature real fucking fast because I had no other option but to take care of them. I thought for the first time she left, she was gone forever, and I was fucking devastated. When she eventually came home days later, I cried happy tears, I felt so relieved. What my young mind didn't realize at the time was that it would almost be an everyday occurrence."
I stared at my hands in my lap before locking my eyes with his. He never left my eyes as he gave me a reassuring smile. It's okay Dakota, just push through.
"Anyways, skip the shitty details and we fast forward to Jason," I growled, my mouth having a filthy taste as his name rolled off my tongue. "My mother loved to bring random, creepy old men home almost every time she would eventually come home. But of course, Jason just had to be one of her favorite fuck buddies."
"Did..." Karson slightly coughed, wincing before he hesitantly continued. "Did any of them ever touch you?"
I shrugged my shoulders, shutting my eyes as I thought of the brief memories that danced around in my mind. They weren't as vivid and clear, but I could still remember the men's faces that towered over my young self. "I mean, a few times. I didn't really know what it meant though, since I was only 14. I fucking hated it, but it was an unusual, weird feeling so I didn't know what to do. I kind of got used to it."
"Fuck, got used to it?" Karson growled, his hands gripping his hair in rage as his eyes shot to mine. His eyes held a look of hatred and pain. "God, Dakota, this is so fucked up. I'm so sorry you had to go through this."
"It's okay, it's the past," I shook my hand in the air in a dismissive manner. I didn't want him to worry about me.
"No," He fumed, his eyes almost pitch black. "It's not okay. You were 14 for fucks sake. No one should ever go through that, and at such a young age? Jesus Christ."
"I'm okay now," my smile faltered as the lie easily slipped past my teeth.
"No you're not, Dakota. When will you see that? You keep telling yourself you're okay, but you're not," he sighed, his forehead creasing in frustration as he clenched his fist in his lap.
"Okay fine, I'm not fucking okay!" I hissed, my guard falling down as tears began to well up in my eyes. "It's hard, it's so fucking hard to keep everything in, but I have to do it for my siblings. If they find out how much I'm mentally struggling, all they will do is worry about me. I want them to live a happy life, I don't want them to have the childhood I had!"
My chest rose up and down as my hands began to slightly shake. I changed the subject back to what we were talking about before. "Jason is one of the men who touched me, okay? You were right that one night when you barged into my house saying those were Jason's hands that choked me. He fucking assaulted me sexually and physically. H-he choked me and touched me. I fought back, I promise. I tried so fucking hard to get away from him. I fucking tried."
"Dakota, baby," he held my face in his hands as he gently ran a thumb under my eye, catching a tear I didn't even know fell. My stomach fluttered when baby fell from his lips.
My lip trembled as more tears began to rapidly fall. I was proud of myself for finally telling someone. Although I didn't tell him everything, it was a start.
"I'm not done," I whimpered, my voice scratchy as his facial expressions contorted with worry. He gently shook his head as his eyes scanned every part of my face.
"I can figure out the rest," he whispered. "Don't say anything else, okay? You've said a lot, and I'm so fucking proud of you for opening up."
I slightly whimpered as more tears fell. I just nodded my head although it was hard as his hands still held my red face. I could feel the salty tears graze my lips, but it was soon replaced with the warmth of his finger gently wiping them away.
He let go of my face and pulled me towards him. He wrapped one arm around my waist as my head fell perfectly into the crook of his neck. I inhaled his expensive cologne, the heavenly smell invading my nostrils as I squeezed my eyes shut.
My legs were draped over his as we sat in silence. He held me as silent tears fell down my face one my one. He gently rubbed soothing circles against my waist, slightly grazing my skin as my shirt lifted up.
I kept my head in his neck as he rested his head against mine. The trees swayed around us, the young children disappearing one by one as it got darker. I listened to his heart beat, the loud noise echoing throughout his chest.
I tired calming down, but my mind was racing as I thought about how our bodies were pressed against each other. I also couldn't stop thinking about how I had just told the person I hate, about something no one else knew.
I gripped onto his shirt as he continued to rub my back. His other hand slowly reached out to grab a few pieces of hair that fell in front of my face. He tucked them behind my ear before wiping the last tear that traveled down my chin.
My insides were crawling with an odd feeling, and I slightly tensed in his firm, yet comfortable hold. I was beginning to realize what was happening, but I couldn't even admit it to myself, not yet.
I couldn't grasp the feeling that pulsed through every bone in my body. It felt so odd, yet somehow I knew it was something good. At least I thought it was. God, I really fucking hoped it was.
Maybe I didn't hate Karson.
Maybe, just maybe, Jace was right.
Like Jace said, there is a thin line between love and hate, and maybe we were one step closer to crossing over that line.
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