I cheated myself,

Like I knew I would,

I told you I was trouble,

You know that I'm no good

~

Trigger warnings: sex, degradation, mentions of abuse, confusion, name calling, orgasm denial, spanking, mentions of suicide and homicide, sadness

~

Y/N wanted to hate him. She really did want to hate him. She tried, she tried really hard. She had decided that she wanted to hate him when he had come in this evening and seen her and looked at her, as if he was happy to see her, as if she was somehow special. The problem was that it made her feel special, it made her feel like she was more than just a whore - when in reality she wasn't.

And then he had taken her up to her room and he had looked so shocked when he had seen the bruises on her face and Y/N just couldn't comprehend it. Why did he care? Why did he act like she didn't deserve them? She had gotten paid for this after all. Yes, she hadn't liked it. Who would like something like that? But she had gotten paid. Other people didn't like their jobs all the time either, right? Of course she knew it wasn't the same and that something like this shouldn't be happening to anyone, but usually she could push these thoughts away. Shouta just brought all of that back into her mind.

That's why she had asked him to hurt her. To call her all those names. To degrade her. Maybe then she'd finally be able to get over him. Maybe she wouldn't get this sense of hope anymore, she wouldn't feel like she meant something to someone. Maybe then it wouldn't feel this bad anymore. If he was like all the other ones, maybe she'd be able to hate him, just like the rest of them.

But when he started asking her all those questions and kissing her roughly... she didn't hate him. She felt herself wanting all those things - actually wanting them. For some reason it felt different if it was him... and she just couldn't comprehend it.

Y/N was confused, but only for a split second, until she felt pleasure washing over her, as he started sucking on her neck, until it got painful and then some more, before softly biting the hickey he had left. He was careful not to touch any of her bruises, too. She knew exactly where they were, because they were painful, but he seemed to almost effortlessly make sure not to hurt her even more.

Y/N whimpered quietly, as his hands wandered down to her breasts, pinching her nipples harshly and pulling on them. It hurt, but it also felt so good. She closed her eyes, focussing on the feeling, the slight pain and the jolts of pleasure it sent straight down to her clit. It wasn't fair. Why was it so good when he did it? Why couldn't it be this good with everyone else?

"You like that? You like the pain, huh? What a little slut..." she heard him whispering in her ear, before two fingers grabbed her chin, tilting her head upwards, accompanied by a tug on her hair. She let out a gasp, as she opened her eyes and looked right into Shouta's dark, lust-filled eyes.

"There you go. Look at me when I talk to you. Who do you belong to?" he asked her, his face so close to hers, their lips were almost touching. Y/N's eyes darted back and forth, her heart beating quickly.

"I... You. I belong to you, Shouta." she breathed. Shouta's lips curled into a smile, as he ran his fingers through her hair appreciatively. She couldn't believe that this was happening, that she had asked for this hoping she'd learn to hate him, and he still made her feel this good. She felt like she could completely relax. Turn off her brain and just mindlessly do whatever he told her to. And she knew she'd be fine, afterwards, because Shouta had never ever hurt her before.

"That's right. You're mine. Only mine. My little slut... and I can do with you whatever I want, isn't that right?" he said with a smile, before moving further down on the bed and getting her to pull her legs up, running his hands along them, as his eyes lingered on them hungrily, before wandering back to her eyes.

"Spread your pretty legs for me, whore." he told her. Y/N moaned quietly as she quickly spread her legs in one fluid motion. She wanted him. She wanted him so much it hurt. She wanted to be his and only his. There was no point in trying to hate him. She couldn't do it. No matter what he did to her, she couldn't hate him. Even when she tried and now that she asked him to do all the things to her she hated... She still couldn't hate him. She was enjoying it, even.

She knew it was too late for her when she felt his finger sliding down her slit, between her lips, as he was kneeling between her legs. She moaned loudly, her eyes fixed on his face, as he examined his finger carefully, his lips once again curling up into a small smile. He looked down at her, both his hands on her thighs.

"You're such a good little slut for me... And you're already so wet... I barely even touched you..." he said, before running his fingers down her slit again and hovering over her, holding out his fingers to her lips.

"Here. Taste yourself. Suck on my fingers." he said to her and she opened her mouth, taking in his fingers and sucking on them, swirling her tongue around them and tasting herself on his fingers. It was hot. It was so much hotter than she would have thought, especially when he started pressing the thumb of his other hand against her clit, while she sucked on his fingers.

"You like that? You like tasting how much of a slut you are for me? How wet that filthy cunt gets just for me?" he asked. Y/N could feel herself clenching around nothing at his words. Why was it so different with him? What did he do differently than everyone else who called her a whore and a slut? She didn't understand it. But it wasn't like she had much brain power left at the moment anyway.

"Y-yes..." she muttered.

"I can't hear you, you'll have to say it louder..." Shouta replied with a diabolical smirk, his fingers prodding at her entrance again. Y/N moaned, wanting nothing more than feeling him inside her. How the hell had her resolve faltered this quickly? How did he manage to do this to her?

"Yes, I like it. Shouta, please..." she whimpered. He smiled, before slamming his fingers all the way inside of her. Y/N cried out loud and bucked her hips towards him. It felt so good. It felt so, so good. Damn. Her hands clutched the bedsheets underneath her, as he continued thrusting his fingers inside her at a fast and rough pace. It wasn't gentle as usual, but rough and hard. And Y/N loved it. With him she didn't feel like she had to be on guard constantly, it was like she could let herself fall.

"You're so tight... and you're clenching so much... fuck, tell me when you're close... don't you dare cum, you fucking whore..." she heard Shouta muttering, but it almost sounded like it was far away. She knew she was close, but she wasn't sure if she should tell him yet or wait until it was almost too late. Fuck, she never wanted him to stop doing this, never, never, never...

"I'm close! I'm so close! Stop, please!" she cried out when she couldn't take it anymore. Shouta immediately pulled his fingers out of her and watched her, as she clenched around nothing. She was breathing heavily, her heart beating wildly and only slowly calming down. She looked up at him, still so desperate for him to make her cum. He was smirking at her and brushed some hair out of her face.

"Not yet. I'll make you cum, don't worry. You okay?" he asked and any worries Y/N may have had just dissipated into thin air. Right now, she'd do anything he asked. If he asked her to run away with him, she'd do it. If he asked her to kill her boss, she'd do it. If he asked her to kill herself, she'd do it. No hesitation. It was like she was under some sort of spell and he had full control over her.

"I'm okay. I'm okay. Please, Shouta... please..." she gasped. Shouta smiled and gently put his index finger over her lips. Y/N closed her mouth and leaned back, as his hands wandered down over her chest, along her waist and down her thighs until they rested on her knees.

"Undress me." he told her. Y/N got up on her knees, quickly opening the buttons of his shirt. Her fingers were so used to the motion, it took her less than a minute to have his shirt open and discarded to the floor. She wasn't even sure what she was feeling anymore. She was excited, she was maybe a little scared that he would turn out just as bad, and she was scared as hell that this wouldn't help her with what she was trying to do at all. But it was too late now.

She opened his belt and his pants sliding them off quickly, before taking off his boxers, too. All this time he was watching her and it made Y/N a little more nervous than before. Would he... actually hurt her? On the one hand, she hoped he would. That was what she was trying to prove with this, wasn't it? That they were all the same, that she wasn't special, that someone like her only deserved to be hurt.

But on the other hand... she'd hate it if he would hurt her. She'd hate having to think of him any less... She didn't want to hate him anymore, she much rather wanted to run away with him. Run away somewhere where no one would find them. Where no one would hurt her. Where she could live a normal life... But she knew she couldn't ask that of anyone. Who would want to give up their life for a girl like her?

She sat back on her knees on the bed, looking up at Shota, a little nervousness rising inside her, as she wasn't sure what was expecting her. His eyes still had this warm look to them, he still clearly wanted her. She could see it. But his eyes were also strict and scrutinizing, more than she had ever seen before.

His hand wandered to her cheek and Y/N expected him to slap her, but he just gently caressed her, running his thumb over her cheekbone and then over her lips, making Y/N shiver with anticipation. He pushed his thumbs between her lips and she opened her mouth a little, sucking on his thumb. A small smile formed on Shouta's face and it made Y/N feel safe and secure.

"You're such a good little slut, aren't you?" Shouta said. Y/N nodded eagerly and Shouta leaned in to her, whispering in her ear.

"Hands and knees, baby girl." he told her, before letting go of her and sitting back, as he watched Y/N get in the position he wanted her in. She wasted no time getting on her hands and knees, head buried in the pillows, her arms stretched out in front of her, ass up in the air, legs spread and her back arched as much as possible. She could feel his eyes on her for maybe half a minute, before she felt his hands on her hips, gently massaging, before one of his hands wandered down her spine gently, giving her goosebumps. She could feel herself dripping down her thighs... damn it. She was a fucking hooker and no other man had ever been able to do that to her.

"Look at you, already dripping for me..." Shouta muttered behind her, as his hand moved up her thigh, softly brushing against her sex, making Y/N moan. She clutched the bedsheets, hoping he would fuck her already and make her cum. But instead she felt his fingers brushing against her sex again, barely touching her.

"Such a fucking whore... what do you want? Tell me... Show me how much of a slut you are for me..." he said to her. Y/N whimpered. This was beyond humiliating. He... he wanted her to beg for him? She had never done that before, no one had cared about what she wanted before and she had never really wanted any of her clients before, but... she really, really wanted Shouta.

"P-please... please fuck me, Shouta... I-I need you... Please make me cum... Please..." she whined, heat rushing to her cheeks. She heard Shouta chuckling and felt his hand grabbing her ass. God, she just needed to feel him inside her... she needed him so bad... why was he teasing her like this?

"And who do you belong to?" he asked her. Y/N wasn't sure how exactly to answer that question. She knew what she wanted to answer, but...

Her thought process was interrupted when she felt a smack on her behind. It wasn't like she hadn't experienced worse pain before, but it still kind of stung. Maybe it was because it was so unexpected. She whimpered and clutched the bedsheet tighter. She took a deep breath, once the stinging subsided.

"Don't ignore me, slut. Who. Do. You. Belong. To?" Shouta asked again and Y/N gulped, quick to answer this time.

"You. I belong to you, Shouta." she replied, with a light moan. She felt Shouta's hand on her ass again, softly rubbing the side he had spanked earlier. It made it feel so much better, but Y/N was afraid of being hit again, so she was tense.

"That's right... you're my little whore... my personal little slut I can do whatever I want with..." he said when she felt his erection at her entrance. Fuck, she wanted him so bad... why did he tease her so much?

"Please, Shouta... please..." she whimpered, just before she felt him push inside her, slowly going deeper and deeper until he bottomed out inside her, filling her out completely. God, why did he feel so good inside her? She loved feeling him, it almost made her forget about everything awful that had happened to her over the years. She moaned lowly, arching her back just a little more.

"Fuck, you feel so good around me..." he growled, before starting to move inside her, a few slow strokes at first, before he sped up, thrusting inside her fast and hard. Y/N moaned at how rough he was. Normally she hated it, but normally she also wasn't anywhere near wet enough for this. But with Shouta, it just... it felt so good. Y/N had no idea how else to describe it.

"Shouta... fuck..." she moaned, as she felt him hit just the right spot inside of her. He groaned and his hands wandered to her hair, entwining in it and wrapping it around his fist carefully.

"You like that?" he growled, before tugging on her hair, pulling her upper body upright, moving even deeper inside of her. Y/N thought she was going to die. Not because she was scared or because she was in pain, like so many times before. She thought she was going to die from the sheer pleasure she felt. Sure, being pulled back by her hair was somewhat painful, but the pain mixed so well with all the pleasure she felt from Shouta being so deep inside her, it didn't even make a difference.

"Fuck, please... please make me cum, Shouta..." she gasped, as he sped up even more. Her eyes rolled to the back of the head and she thought she couldn't get any higher from how good she felt, until she felt his other hand on her clit, slowly and gently rubbing circles around it, just as she felt him throbbing inside her. Y/N felt like she was going to explode from the sheer amount of pleasure building up inside her.

"S-Shouta... I'm... I'm going to cum... fuck..." she moaned, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss.

"Me, too..." she heard him groan, as she was pushed back onto the bed, her face in the pillow and her hand clutching the sheets again. It was kind of an uncomfortable position but she didn't even really notice, while she was cumming, feeling her legs almost going numb and shaking, as she felt Shouta thrusting inside her erratically, as he was cumming as well. It didn't take long, maybe half a minute, until they both collapsed on the bed, breathing heavily. Shouta pulled her close.

"Are you okay?" he wanted to know, still panting and breathing heavily. Y/N gave him a confused look. Why would he ask if she was okay? She turned over to him and looked into his eyes.

"I... I think so." she replied quietly. Why did he care? No one in their right mind would care. He didn't even do anything... and she had enjoyed it. She had enjoyed how he had called her a whore and a slut... She had no idea, why, but... she didn't have the feeling he actually meant it.

"Come here. Let me hold you." he muttered and pulled her even closer into his chest, running his fingers through her hair soothingly and kissing her forehead, before pulling the covers over both of them. Y/N felt so warm and protected, it made her feel sad. Why hadn't anyone treated her like this before?

She felt the tears welling up in her eyes, as she nuzzled her head closer into Shouta's chest, trying to stop them from spilling over, but it was already too late. Hot tears started rolling down her cheeks and falling onto Shouta's chest, her heart hurting even more when she felt his hand slowly rubbing over her back.

"Hey, ssh... it's all good, it's all good... you're so precious, Y/N. You're not a slut and you're not a whore. Come on, you can relax. You're safe with me. You're okay. It's all okay." he muttered into her hair, as she kept sobbing and crying in his arms.

"I-it's not you... I just... w-why are you so nice to me?" Y/N sobbed. Shouta kissed her forehead again and held her even tighter.

"Because you deserve it. You deserve to be treated well."