Is it possible to be surprised but, at the same time not be? Or what about being filled with rage only for it to be watered down by sadness. So many emotions are rolling inside me, I can't even think strai-

Beep. Beep.

I quickly jerk the wheel narrowly missing the red Buick. I curse. I need to stop focusing on what Jared just told me. I need to focus on driving so I can make it back home. But how? How can I take my mind away from the pain and suffering my Rose had experienced? How could I not know? I mean, I knew that something happened but, nothing like this. The anger, the sadness, the desperation, the pain. How did she make it through? How did she hide it so well? Or did she? I think back to the time we went shopping. It was a good day but, all of a sudden she just turned...depressed. Which totally shocked me since she was literally bouncing around the store just a second ago. After, that she was quiet. Too quiet. Later that day she snapped and I'm guessing she had a mental meltdown. I was too busy trying to calm her down, too busy trying to get her to stay still that I didn't notice her screams were filled with pain. I also didn't notice that she wasn't just aimlessly screaming. She was saying some words too. I suck my teeth. Words I don't know, since I wasn't really paying attention to them. The worst part is this isn't the first time she's suddenly gone quiet, or turned sad. Jared and Dylan mentioned the same thing. She'd have this nice happy aura around her but then all of a sudden it would plummet and fill the air with her sadness.

How did we not notice this earlier? No. We noticed. We just brushed it off. We thought that it was because, she was forced to live with a bunch of strangers. So we tried to keep her happy, trying to prove that being with us won't be so bad. That maybe she could think of us as her forever men. But we were wrong. So wrong. So, so wrong. Why didn't we know? I know why Jared didn't know, but why didn't Dylan and I know? Dylan and I should've have known. We've had that same look in our eyes. I should have noticed.

I pull into the garage and place the car in park.

Maybe I did notice. Maybe I didn't want to notice. But, why? I don't want to be the person who turns a blind eye on someone else's pain. That's happened to me more than once, and never failed to break me. I feel my eyes burn, my mouth suddenly go dry and there's a lump in my throat I can't seem to swallow. No. I'm not going to cry. I promised never to cry. Especially after that day. I sigh. I need to get in the house. I need to see Rose. I need her presence. For being with her always calms with me. With that thought I open car door and don't even glance at the swelling paparazzi at the edge of the tree line. I take long strides to the door, unlock it and softly close the front door for I don't any strength to slam it. I drop my keys on the floor and walk through the living room, through the dining room,and into the hall. It isn't until I get to the spot where the halls intercepts that I have to stop. The pull that was once weak is now stronger than ever and pulling me in that direction. Come, it calls. Come and pay for your sins. Suddenly my feet move on their own and I'm walking towards the hall of misery, my largest sin. It isn't until, I hear feminine laughter that I stop and realize just why I came down here, and why I went to see Jared. Squaring my shoulders I turn around and walk towards the laughter which was now male. I feel the anger and territorial bubble up inside me. Why is she laughing? More like who is she laughing with? Speeding up my strides I slam open the door and all the laughing stops. I look at the television to see a blond baby in a suit and a little boy arguing on sucking a binky which, causes me to raise a brow.

I turn towards the 4 kids sitting on the couch. Well 2, the twins Kyle and Riley jumped up into a standing position as soon as I entered, their faces now filled with panic and fear. I feel a pang in my heart. My own kids are afraid of me and all I did was walk into the room. I look at Brian to see him squirming in Rose's arms. "Daddy," he squeals, squirming even more his arms extending and his hands opening and closing into fists. I look at Rose in confusion. She looks up at me with a hint of sadness although I don't know why. She gestures for me to pick him up and realization dawns as I figure out he wanted me to pick up and also why she looked at me with sadness. I don't even know when my son wants me to pick him up. I reach over, pick him up and put him on my hip. The twins, who were watching the exchange have a look of pure shock. There it is. That pang of hurt in my heart. I take a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. "I'm going to get some more drinks and snacks," I say. "Riley, Kyle why don't you sit down and continue watching whatever your watching." I then eye the T.V warily, causing Rose to giggle. Slowly Kyle and Riley sit down and after a few seconds I quickly turn on my heel and walk back out the door and to the kitchen.

When we get to the kitchen I put Brian on the counter next to the sink and far away from the edge. Once I make sure he's not in any danger of falling I walk to the counter across from the one Brian's settled on. "Sooo," I say slowly. "What candy would you like?" Brian shrugs, his smile gone. "I doe know." I tilt my head. "Well why don't you know what you want?" Brian's lip starts to tremble. "No won car wa Bwi wats." A tear falls down his cheek and I feel like a thousand needles just punctured my head and no amount force could take them away. "Aww baby boy." I close the space between us, pick him up and cradle him to my chest as his cries fill the room. I quietly shh him while rocking him back and forth while walking around the room. How did it come to this, I wonder. When did it get this bad? Another set of questions I already know the answers to. It happened when she died. When she died I noticed how empty life was. When she died I noticed how much Brian looked like her. How much he reminded me of her, to the point where I couldn't even look at him. I did the same thing to him, that I did to Riley and Kyle. I excluded him from my mind because, of the fear that he would turn out just like his mother. With a sigh, I pat Brian back and slowly begin to get the snacks together 5 words repeating itself in my head. I have to do better. I have to do better. I have to do better. I have to do better. I have to do better. No. I will do better.