to Los Angeles — his return to home — Benjamin Espinoza had sworn, not only to Dan, but to himself, that he wouldn't fall for Lucifer Morningstar and his charms. He wasn't the kind of guy to crush, to develop feelings, to stay and hold on. And yet, the flirtatious remarks had turned into this — a peaceful walk on the dark, surprisingly quiet streets of L.A as the sundown was painting the sky in purple and orange, his hand in Lucifer's, in a grip so tight he wasn't sure if he could ever pull away. If he even wanted to. Because indeed, it turned out that resisting the Devil was a fool's errand, simply pointless. After all, hadn't Benjamin been so enchanted by him the first time he saw him in Lux? Frankly, that feeling had never gone away.

It had only gotten stronger.

And that was precisely what was terrifying him to his very core, the wild child and the rebellious runaway being pushed deeper into his shell as new emotions replaced the ones he was used to. None. Perhaps that was why affection had kicked in so suddenly — there was so much empty space in his heart, ready to be taken over by the unique sensation of pure love. But even if it sounded so simple, even if it was supposed to feel so good, it was only causing Benjamin's chest to tighten, a ball of anxiety developing in the pit of his stomach and expanding with each passing moment.

"Your father wasn't in Hell", Lucifer suddenly broke the silence between the two of them, and with those five words, the events of the night came back to Benjamin as a rush of memories and relief due to the successful ending. His eyes widened as he turned to the man by his side, slightly taller and definitely the most beautiful thing Benji had ever seen. "Or, at the very least I could not locate him", he then added, and with a deep inhale, Benjamin looked away but made sure that Lucifer noticed his quiet nod.

"Thank you", he whispered, and squeezing Ben's hand gently, the man smiled, as if to assure that it was no big deal. But it was — he had told Benji everything that had happened in Hell, including seeing Uriel again and getting stuck in his own personal prison for a moment. But he was there now, and he was real and alive and warm.

"You know, for a second there, I thought I was going to lose you", Benjamin let out a breathy chuckle, devoid of amusement as his eyes darted to the ground where their feet stood next to one another. "I didn't really like that feeling", he added with a mutter, and sighing out, Lucifer shook his head.

"How could I leave, when I have so much worth my return?", he lifted an eyebrow, and as they continued to walk down the street with their hearts racing and their freezing fingers desperately trying to warm up in each other's hold, they fell into silence. But not for long. "Listen, Benjamin. About what you said... Your feelings...", the Devil began suddenly, and in an instant, the Espinoza turned red, forcing him to lower his head all the more.

However, Lucifer noticed this and he was quickly stopping on his tracks to pull Ben back and sneak a finger beneath his jaw, giving him the opportunity to lift it until their eyes locked together. "I have never said those words before, so it is most certainly not easy for me. But just know, that I care about you too. Deeply. Beyond my imagination and belief. Truthfully, I never thought I'd have this, but you've changed quite a few things in my life. For the better, of course", he gestured with his hands whilst a charming smile appeared onto his lips, pulling a chuckle from Benji.

"Yeah. Same here", he smiled in return, and before any more words could be exchanged in the dark night, Lucifer had leaned closer and pressed his gentle lips onto Benjamin's ever so softly, only for the kiss to instantly deepen, their bodies meeting in the middle and their stubbles grazing together. As they pulled away, the youngest Espinoza chuckled again, his tongue sweeping across his bottom lip before he spoke up with his eyes staring into Lucifer's. "It's scary, but I do love you. Never forget that", he whispered, his breath visible in the cold night, and immediately, Lucifer broke into a smirk whilst taking his hand again and continuing their stroll.

"I doubt I ever could."

—————

Or he had been. Maybe not anymore — maybe now, it was more like procrastinating, but he couldn't stop staring at the small note in his hands with his crappy handwriting all over the crumpled paper, nor could he make the nervous butterflies in his stomach go away. It was rather nostalgic really, reminding him of another time with a similar situation. But he didn't doubt himself or his decisions. This was the right thing to do.

Los Angeles had given him so much good — a reunion with Dan, and a stronger bond in the process, and he truly loved his brother endlessly. On top of that, he had gotten to spoil his niece a lot. He had met Izzy, his best friend by now, and he had met Linda, Mazikeen, Ella, Amenadiel — all of which were people he would never be able to forget. Especially when one was a demon from Hell, and the other an angel from Heaven. In all honesty, the truth was still something he occasionally struggled to grasp fully, but even if he had knowingly gotten involved with the Devil himself, he had no regrets when it came to that. He didn't regret kissing Lucifer, confessing his feelings for him, telling him things about himself he shared with no one... He didn't regret falling in love with Lucifer Morningstar.

But that didn't mean living in Los Angeles hadn't been a goddamn struggle, to a point where he was unable to handle all of the pressure and the heartbreak. Sure, he had met the man that was probably the love of his life and he had a loving brother and caring friends, but he had also played with death through a car accident, found out that his whole childhood had been a lie, that he truly was the black sheep of his family, only to then discover that his real father had been killed. He had almost lost Chloe, Lucifer too, and living in the knowledge of all the divine powers among them was getting too much for him. In Europe, he had been carefree and happy, whereas at home, he had never felt more lost and torn apart.

And Benjamin, he wasn't really the type to face his problems and feelings. He wasn't the kind of man to be brave, a mature adult. No, he was the type to run away, turn his back on everything, party and drink his troubles away.

That was, simply put, why there was a note in his hands, much like the one he had left all those years ago.

Dan,

I love you, and I love this city and the people in it. But I don't love the aching it's caused me, and you know me. Always the irresponsible kid of the family, huh? So, I'm leaving. I don't know when I'll come back. Many drinks later? I miss Europe and not worrying about everything, and if I'm being really honest, I can't deal with all this. I just can't. So I'm sorry, but for now, this is goodbye. I'll keep in touch, though, unlike last time. Tell that to Lucifer, too. This isn't his fault, I want him to know that. I love him, too. And, hug Trixie real tight for me, please?

Much love,

Not-Douche

Eventually, he dropped the note to the kitchen counter, grabbed his bag and his flask, and with his leather jacket over his shoulders, Benjamin Espinoza gave one last look to Dan's apartment before stepping out and closing the door quietly behind him. He knew he sucked for leaving in the middle of the night, with Dan still asleep, but he couldn't face him, do all the tears and the emotional goodbyes. He wasn't good at that. The one thing he was good at, was running, and that encouraged him to throw his bag into his Camaro once outside.

With a rock song playing from his radio, Benjamin then drove away from the parking lot, his hands gripping the wheel tightly and his vehicle headed for the airport, where he'd grab the next flight to Germany — a country he hadn't visited in a while. And he knew that it would be painful to leave this life behind, but he could always return, right?

And much like he had promised, he was going to keep in contact with Dan, Izzy, Lucifer — all of them. He'd hear all about his brother's complicated relationship with Charlotte Richards, Izzy's career development, Lucifer's latest celestial troubles. And sure, sometimes he'd be tempted to return, and maybe one day, that would become true. But for now, Benjamin Espinoza was going to drown his sorrows in alcohol, avoid feelings, be free and careless.

For now, this was goodbye.

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