"19.11.14

Dear Diary

What is the truth about life?

One moment you feel like you're on top of the world and the next it's like you've hit rock bottom.

I cannot believe that it was just yesterday that my mom was sitting in the gallery with me, teaching me how to mix the colours and put my ideas on the canvas and today she left me. Forever.

I cannot process this even as I look outside the window to forget it all, I'm unable to digest this. The moment I look anywhere else it all comes crashing down on me--how mom fought for every last breath.How her last words were, "Can't breathe , I love you ." And once she finally closed her eyes, her hand dropped from mine.I remember my dad and brother's horrified faces as they called upon the doctors but I knew it was too late. 

I remember them bringing me home and trying their best to hold their emotions but it was impossible, every single tear that fell from their eyes made the reality even worse. So I shut everyone out and refused to cry.

Does this mean I didn't love mom? 

Everyone here for the funeral is saying that I am in denial or I am shocked and cannot process this. But deep down I know what has happened, maybe I am just not ready to accept it otherwise it will break me--break me to a point of no return.

I remember my aunt coming in with the black dress, and with a tear-stained face she asked me, "Get ready dear, the service will start soon." I didn't respond to her. She then gently proceeded near me and asked if I'd like some help.

That was all I remembered before I fainted.

After the doctor's visit I was back on my feet , seeing my brother's and father's concerned faces should've made me feel guilty but it felt like all my feelings and emotions had evaporated. Even after reaching the cemetery there was not a single tear on my face. I remember my cousin, Emilia patiently standing by me like a rock, as if waiting for me to break.

I had tuned everyone out as I mindlessly gazed at my mother's closed coffin which was descending into the 6 feet pit. My family and I threw handfuls of ceremonial soil after the prayers were finished and then I left with Emilia. 

This is my last memory of the last day with my mom.

Nothing will ever be the same.

S."

A single tear drop leaves my eye as I look back upon my 7 year old entry, my last diary entry. My life was like a void after her, there was nothing to write about. Mom's death was something that broke all the three of us , she was the glue holding this family together, our strength, our support system--our everything. However, this incident brought my dad , me and Asher closer than ever as a family.

"Skylar, honey, where are you?"My dad's voice travels from downstairs.

"Be right there dad!" I shot back and hurried down after slamming my journal shut and throwing it in my desk drawer.

"Hi Dad, back from work already? When I left the office you were immersed in some paperwork." I question looking at him

He gives me a big smile before waving a folder in his hand,"Yes, remember the project we were working on with Carter Inc.?"

"Yes." I say narrowing my eyes.

"Well, our blueprint got approved today!" He was practically skipping as he came near me and handed me the file

"Oh my god, congratulations dad!" I said while flipping through the pages and holding his hand.

"Celebrating without me, already?" Asher said as he walked in into the hall.

"Obviously." I said sarcastically as I grabbed the box of chocolates from his hands, he scowled at me. For someone who is 2 years older than me he used to be very careless and immature, but after the incident he changed for the better--taking responsibility and actually understanding his role.Although, he still never misses an opportunity to throw sassy insults and sarcastic remarks at a given situation.

As Asher swipes the folder from my hand I shake my head and smile while looking at my little world--Dad and Asher. It was perfect.