Dr. Neil Curtis's pov

Mike decided to tag along with me today to the hospital. I have a few meetings to attend and a lot of paperwork to wade through. Thankfully, I have a fantastic administrative staff here that helps take some of the burden of being the CEO of a large hospital off my hands. I still try to come in at least twice a month, however, to keep my finger on the pulse of the day to day operations.

Mike still has privileges here as a physician so he decided to find a department that could use an extra pair of hands today and help out. Sometimes I think he misses the adrenaline fueling chaos of working here full time as a surgeon. Me, not so much. Don't get me wrong, I keep my license active and I'm still very passionate about the field of medicine but I promised myself never to practice medicine full time after what happened on that one day.

"Dr. Curtis."

I'm quickly pulled from my trip down memory lane as I hear someone call my name. I look up from my desk to see Andrea, one of the faculty advisors for our med students, standing in my doorway.

"I'm so sorry to interrupt you sir."

"Not at all, Andrea. It's always a pleasure to see you. What can I do for you?"

"Dr. Jonas was scheduled to lead the medical residents morbidity and mortality conference (M&M) today at 11am but he's home sick with the flu. Is there any chance you could step in? Please?"

"Sure, Andrea, I'd be happy to. Let me just move some things around and I'll push my 11:30am back."

"Thank you so much, sir. I know you made quite an impression on so many of our residents and physicians when you spoke at previous M&Ms."

"Really? I wasn't aware anyone was even listening, let alone actually being impacted by what I was saying at those conferences. Hell, I didn't even think half of them were awake."

"You're so funny, Dr. Curtis," Andrea replies, thinking I'm joking until she sees the serious look on my face. "Oh my gosh, you're serious. I'm so sorry, I thought you knew. At least half the staff remembers your speech on medical ethics and the importance of remaining impartial."

I had no idea.

"Oh please, can you make that speech at today's conference. I would love to hear it again and I know our residents would really benefit from your years of experience and wisdom."

I hate to admit it but I love how everyone kisses my ass just because I'm the CEO. It's such a great ego boost.

"Sure, Andrea, I promise."

The M&M conference

Neil's pov

After we hear the details of this week's cases and the review panel states their rulings, it's my time to shine, or at the very least educate and hopefully even inspire. Andrea gives me a glowing introduction, knowing several people here have no idea who I am. The room is packed. She must have done a good job putting the word out that I'd be speaking at today's conference.

"I'd like to thank all of you for participating in today's M&M. I'm a strong supporter of this process as I believe the information we acquire from analyzing our mistakes is invaluable. The field of medicine is fluid, ever changing and evolving. If we refuse to recognize and acknowledge our own weaknesses and incompetencies, we are not only doing ourselves a great disservice but we are stagnating the very profession we've chosen as our career."

I pause for a moment, honestly surprised that so many people appear to be paying attention.

"I'd like to take a few minutes to tell you about a defining moment in my medical career. Well, in all honesty, possibly more than a few minutes, as several people in this room can attest to my tendency to be long-winded due to the fact that I love hearing my own voice." That got me a few laughs.

"It was a Friday night and I was the trauma surgeon called to the E.R. in anticipation of two GSW victims arriving in critical condition. One of the victims was brought in essentially DOA but he still had a thready pulse. Having been shot in the chest twice, with one of the bullets actually penetrating the right ventricle, his chances of survival were less than 5%. I'll refer to him as GSW1. The other GSW victim, GSW2, had a better chance of survival, probably around 15% but was still considered critical. I made the conscious decision to operate on GSW1, knowing that delaying treatment essentially meant a death sentence for GSW2."

I once again paused, taking a moment to recollect on the events of that night. The memories still sparked strong emotions, even though it happened over six years ago.

"GSW1 was a police officer shot in the line of duty. He was responding to an armed robbery in progress, a robbery being committed by GSW2. He was shot twice and left for dead by GSW2. When backup arrived, a pursuit ensued and GSW2 was critically wounded by a fellow officer of GSW1. I knew all this information prior to providing treatment."

"I chose the long shot and decided to try to save the police officer, even though I knew it meant certain death for GSW2. Unfortunately, GSW1 did not survive, despite the best efforts of myself and my team. GSW2 did not survive either. There was a possibility we could have saved GSW2, had I not delayed treatment. I have to live every day of my life knowing I let a man die."

I paused again to take a sip of water.

"Don't misunderstand the point of my story, though. The point isn't that I was biased and that affected my professional judgment and my treatment decisions and as doctors we should be impartial. We're human beings, not robots. We can't possibly be completely unbiased when treating patients. There are going to be times when we are ruled by our emotions. As much as we all want to think we would offer the exact same level of care to a child molester as a saint, in reality it's not possible."

"In fact, upon garnering all the details of the crime and both GSWs, I would make the same clinical decisions again in a heartbeat. GSW1 had a beautiful six year-old daughter named Lisa and a wonderful wife who subsequently committed suicide due to depression brought on by her husband's homicide. GSW2 had a beautiful five year-old daughter named Carrie and a wonderful wife who was suffering from stage 4 ovarian cancer at the time of her husband's death. Unfortunately, she lost her battle with cancer about two months later."

"Anyway, I digress. Now, back to my point. I vowed after that day to give up practicing medicine. Why, you ask? Even though I believe I made the right choice and I would most definitely do it again if presented with the same circumstances, I played God that day and despite what most physicians and surgeons believe, we were not put on this earth to play God. IT WAS NOT MY CHOICE TO MAKE WHOSE LIFE WAS WORTH SAVING."

I pause again to compose myself, still overwhelmed by conflicting emotions when reflecting on that night.

"Ladies and gentlemen, that is the point I want you to take with you today. Thank you for your time and for allowing me to sit in on your conference this morning."

As the room started to empty, I noticed Mike standing in the back near the doorway. I wonder if he heard my speech. He knew Lisa's dad was shot in the line of duty but I never told him Carrie's dad is the one who shot him. I also never told him I was the one who essentially let Carrie's dad die.

"Did you just get here?" I ask, trying to find out how much he heard.

"No, Neil, I heard everything."

"Oh." I honestly don't know what to say to Mike. I never intended on sharing this information with him.

"I always wondered what made you stop practicing medicine, Neil. I guess now I know."

"Yeah, I guess so." I really hope he doesn't think less of me now. I truly value Mike's opinion of me.

"Why didn't you tell me about Carrie's dad?"

"You mean that piece of shit! He was a lowlife criminal who dealt drugs and committed several armed robberies. He never provided for his wife or child. The only worthwhile thing that asshole ever did in his life was provide the sperm that led to the creation of that beautiful girl."

"Hard to believe Carrie came from such poor paternal stock, considering she's such a sweetheart," Mike says, sadly shaking his head.

"Her mom was amazing though. She was one of my patients before I stopped practicing. Towards the end, she was so worried about what would happen to Carrie. She heard about the Center and asked to see me. I promised her Carrie would be well taken care of there. I actually introduced you to her at the hospital so she could meet the man who would be raising her daughter. Her name was Karen. Do you remember meeting her?"

"Oh my gosh, I think I do remember. I remember wondering why you were sitting in that patient's room when you weren't even practicing at that point, but then I just figured she was a former patient of yours. I did think it was a little odd you made a point to introduce me to her because I was just meeting you for lunch, but you insisted. I remember her holding my hand a little too long for a normal handshake too. God, now I wish I had memorized every detail of that encounter with her mom so I could share it with Carrie."

"Michael, I never told you about Carrie's dad because I didn't want you to be burdened by keeping that secret from Lisa and Carrie for the rest of your life. We both know they can never find out or it would destroy their relationship."