The first thing I wake up to when I open my eyes is Austin's broad back. And I have to say, it's not a bad sight. He sits hunched over, his head dipped low and his elbows on his knees as he quietly converses on his phone.

I blink a few times, trying to clear the filminess from my dry eyes as I listen to his raspy voice. I still when I hear him ask, "Has he been to the infirmary?"

I'm unable to hear whatever the person on the other line says, but I get a pretty good understanding of the topic of conversation when Austin frustratedly asks, "How can you be sure it's even Stage Four if there's no one there to properly give a diagnosis? I know he's in prison but he's still a human being. He deserves treatment."

It's quiet for another moment, and Austin releases a frustrated breath. "Just have his lawyer email me the doctor's notes. Yeah. Thanks."

"Fucking bullshit," He mumbles, tossing his phone on my nightstand.

With wide eyes, I sit up and quietly ask, "Is everything okay?" Which is stupid, because obviously it's not, but I think we've established that I'm awful at comforting others.

Austin clears his throat roughly and stands, hastily pulling on the pair of discarded jeans he'd stripped off after crawling in my bed at three o'clock this morning.

"Just stuff with my dad that I have to get straightened out. Gonna see about doing a video-call with his lawyer later, hash out some of the details regarding his early release. Fuck," He sighs.

I sit up on my knees and awkwardly crawl across the mattress towards him. I sit back on my haunches as he distractedly pulls his belt through the loops of his pants.

"I gotta go, but I'll see you tonight, right?" He asks, rubbing a hand through his hair.

I nod, and he leans forward and lays a chaste kiss on my lips. And before I can even blink, he's gone.

I stare at my open bedroom door, stunned at how Austin was here one moment and gone the next. I'm unsure about whether or not I should reach out, unsure about what I'd even say if I did. Sighing, I check my phone for the time and decide to get out of bed and make a late breakfast for Savannah and myself.

After a quick trip to the bathroom I head to the kitchen and start pulling out ingredients and a skillet. Savannah rounds the corner and takes a seat at the kitchen table, looking at me in confusion.

"Is Austin not staying for breakfast today?"

I lower the heat on the stove, watching as a sausage patty sizzles loudly against the metal pan. "He had some personal stuff to take care of."

"He looked like he was in a hurry," She adds, tilting her chair back on two legs.

"Stop that before you bust your head open," I lecture.

Savannah rolls her eyes. "Why is everyone in a mood today?" She mumbles.

"Being an adult sucks the life out of you, I've told you that," I murmur distractedly, flipping the sausage.

"Anyway," Sav says. "Since everyone's being weird today can I spend the night at Anna's? Her mom can pick me up and drop me off."

I pause, thinking it over. Sav spending the night at a friend's would work in my favor, giving Austin and I a night to ourselves. A night for me to make sure that he's okay.

"When's she coming to get you?" I ask.

"Yes!" She yelps. "Sleepover time, baby."

My thoughts exactly.

——

Hours later, dressed for a shift at Vice, I sit perched on the couch in a quiet house staring at my phone in confusion. I reread Austin and I's text chain from today.

"What is going on with him," I murmur, debating on whether or not I should send a text or wait until I see him at work.

A part of me is annoyed by his abrasiveness, but a larger part of me is worried about him. I know things with his dad are progressing pretty fast, and he has a lot of mixed emotions about it. I sigh, my mind reeling.

A car horn blaring knocks me from my thoughts and I reluctantly stand, not at all looking forward to Sidney's driving but grateful that she was able to give me a lift on such short notice. I lock the front door and make a mental note to try to talk to Austin before my shift starts.

His distant behavior is familiar, and I'm holding it to myself as a top priority to make sure that he's okay before the night ends in another fired employee like last time.

——

Like the last time that I made it a personal mission to find Austin before a shift, we're absolutely swamped right from the get-go, which shouldn't be surprising considering it's a Saturday, but it's still annoying and unfortunately prevents me from finding him.

Kaia and I work together to shell out drinks and food orders as quickly as possible as the guys swiftly mix alcoholic beverages beside us. I cash out the usual crowd of customers, an array of fancy dressed women and stuffy looking men in polos and suit jackets. The music thumps loudly in my veins as strobe lights flicker and people cheer loudly in various corners.

It's like my body is going through the motions, my brain on autopilot as I work and mentally count down the seconds until my 'lunch' break.

I'm scooping ice from the built in bar cooler when Kaia lightly nudges me to get my attention. "Isn't that Austin's brother?"

I snap my head up, narrowing my eyes in confusion as I spot the youngest Delaney brother making his way up the spiral staircase, a medium-sized cardboard box with a lid in his hands.

"Yeah, it is," I answer distractedly, sliding the glass of ice down the bar to Wyatt, one of the bartenders.

"He doesn't usually come around twice a month. Wonder what that's about," She shrugs.

Me too, I think silently.

We continue working side by side, and I briefly pause when I feel my phone vibrate in the pocket of my jeans. I step to the side and pull my phone out, my eyebrows furrowing in thought when I read Austin's text.

I hesitate, my thumb hovering over the keyboard. Another text comes through.

My resolve melts. I sigh and jam my phone back in my pocket before stowing the rag in my hand beneath the counter. I survey the crowd, noticing that it's thinned out some and that Kaia and Wyatt should be able to handle it without me until we alternate breaks. I let them know I'm taking mine and make my way up the stairs to Austin's office.

Per his request, I don't bother knocking and instead gently push his door open. I pause when I see that he's pulled one of the leather chairs that usually sits in front of his desk around the side, right next to his. On top lays my usual order, a six-inch sub from the sandwich shop down the street that Austin keeps in the mini fridge in his office for me.

I untie my apron and lay it over the spare chair, sheepishly taking a seat beside Austin. He reaches over and grabs a spare bottle of water from his fridge and twists it open for me.

He clears his throat, and I meet his eyes. "I'm sorry I've been distant today."

I avert my gaze and break off a piece of wheat bread. "It's fine, you were busy, I understand."

"I got some news this morning about my dad that upset me. And instead of talking to you about it, I shut you out. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry."

I sigh. "We're both working on letting the other in, so I understand. I want to be there for you, though. Will you tell me what happened?"

Austin runs a hand through his hair and leans back in his seat. He eyes the computer monitor on his desk, the screen displaying all the camera angles that surround the property. "He's eligible for parole and most likely gonna be released in a few weeks. Not because of good behavior or some cliche shit like that, but because he's dying and they feel sorry for him. They're giving him the chance to die at home instead of in his cell."

I inhale sharply, reaching for Austin's hand. He intertwines our fingers and gives my hand a squeeze.

"Reed's gonna let him stay at his house, but he wants me to drive down to New Orleans with him when Dad gets released. And.. I think I'm gonna go. I need to, ya know?" He meets my eyes.

I nod, agreeing with him.

"But I want to read the letters he sent me first. And I need you to be there when I do. Will you?"

"Of course," I squeeze his hand. "Whenever you're ready."

"Tonight," He murmurs, clearing his throat. "Will you come over?"

I nod again. Austin pushes his chair back and reaches around his desk. He pulls out the box I saw Reed bring in earlier and pulls the lid off, throwing it on top of his desk.

My eyes widen when Austin shifts around four huge bundles of white envelopes bound together by rubber bands. "Holy shit," I murmur in awe.

"Twenty years' worth," He says quietly.

It was gonna be a long night.

——

Austin's apartment was slowly becoming one of my favorite places to be.

The high-rise ceilings and exposed brick walls made the place feel warm and cozy, and the entire place was even encased in the signature cinnamon smell that Austin seemed to carry everywhere he went.

I eye the window from my spot on Austin's bed, the Memphis skyline lit up as the dark sky slowly begins to lighten. I'm wrapped up in a throw blanket, a cup of coffee in my hand and the box of letters sitting in front of me.

I hear the faucet in the adjoining bathroom turn on and moments later Austin appears in the doorway, a tired and almost scared look in his eye.

"I made you a cup," I nod to the mug sitting on his nightstand.

He runs a hand through his hair and walks over to me. I scoot up and he slides in behind me, pulling me into his chest.

"Cold?" He murmurs, rubbing my blanket-covered arms.

"It always feel like Antarctica in here," I tease, trying to lighten the mood.

He laughs, but it's strained. "Fuck," He says quietly.

I set my mug down and grab his hand. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Nervous?"

"I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

"Want me to read the first one?"

He leans forward and pulls a bundle from the box. He slides an envelope from underneath the rubber band and passes it to me. The envelope itself is light, but it feels so heavy in my hands. My eyes read over the return address, the words 'Louisiana State Penitentiary' in bold font with the name Jonathon Delaney written messily in pencil. I run my thumb over a Scooby-Doo postage stamp in the right side corner.

"Ready?" I ask quietly.

Austin rests his forehead on my shoulder. He sighs loudly. "Yeah."

I flip it over and run my nail under the seal. The ripping noise ricochets off the walls louder than it should. The paper itself is a single sheet of copy paper, yellowed at the edges. "April 19th, 1997" is scrawled in the same messy pencil, and the sight of it almost knocks the breath out of my chest.

I can't even imagine how heavy the weight that Austin has been carrying around for the last twenty years has been. I squeeze his hand and hold it close to my stomach, letting him know I'm here.

I clear my throat.

"Dear Son," I begin. Austin stiffens behind me, inhaling sharply.

"I want to first start off by apologizing to you and your brother. To put it simply, I messed up, and now I have to pay the price for that. You and Reed have to pay the price for that. I let my anger take over and made a bad choice that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, but that is nothing compared to knowing that my boys will now grow up without a father. I planned to teach you two all I know about vintage and classic cars, and even take you to car shows like my old man did with me. I planned to teach you how to play ball, how to fish, how to shave. I'm so sorry that I've let you boys down. I hope that when you're old enough to read this letter you'll forgive me. I made a mistake in a lapse moment of anger, of weakness, but that mistake does not define me. I promise that I'll spend this time in solitude thinking of you boys every second of every day. I promise that when I'm out I'll be better. I'll be the man you need me to be. I love you two with everything in me. Please forgive me. Love, your Dad."

I fold the piece of paper, tears stinging my eyes. I turn in Austin's hold, and my heart breaks in my chest when I see tears shining in his eyes.

I grasp his cheeks in my palms. "Are you okay? How do you feel?"

He tilts his head back and rests it against his headboard. "That letter made it all real. It's like.. I knew what he did. I knew where he was. But that letter made it real. I feel.. guilty."

"I don't think he wanted you to feel guilty," I say gently.

"I know he didn't," Austin says firmly. "I feel guilty because I didn't even hear him out. All this time.. Fuck."

"There's still time," I say.

Time to forgive. Time to mend. Time to make up.

"Do you want me to read the next one?" I ask.

He squeezes my waist. "Please."

So I do. I grab the next envelope from the bundle, and perched in his lap, holding it out where he can see, I read the next letter that's dated a month after the first one.

"Dear Son, whoever tells you prison is nothing like the movies is a liar. This place is as grimy as the fake movie sets. The showers have balls of hair larger than small dogs, and it's rare that the toilet actually flushes. The food here looks like slop, but after the first week you realize that you actually gotta eat it if you want to survive. The men here are just as ugly as the ones on TV, and the guards are just as shady. I've been here a month and have seen a drug deal go down every day. I see people trading everything from books, to cigarettes, to twinkies, and yesterday my cell mate showed me how he makes booze in the damn toilet. He's an alright guy, but I doubt we'll be friends on the outside, and when I told him that, he agreed. He said I'm a stickler for the rules, and I told him that if that were true I damn well wouldn't be here, would I?"

Austin's chest rumbles with laughter, and I carry on, a small grin on my lips.

"One guy I met at dinner told me he was a college professor before landing here. Even has a PhD. Now, I know he could be lying, but he was selling it to me pretty good so I feel like I should believe him. It made me realize that there's people of all backgrounds here. It also made me realize that I never want you or Reed to step foot in a place like this, so I want to stress to you boys that you stay in school. Whatever it is that you want to do in the future, I want you to set your mind to it and go after it with everything in you. You're capable of more than you think, and you've got Delaney blood in you. Us Delaney men are strong and stubborn, so I know you two are gonna take over the world if you really want to. I don't have to ask that you make me proud, because I know you will. You're gonna do great things, Son. I love you. Love, your Dad."

"He's funny," He murmurs.

I smile. "His humor reminds me of you."

"Yeah, I thought so too," He agrees. "Hand me the next one?"

He wastes no time in ripping it open, and I lean against his chest as his raspy voice reads it out loud.

"Dear Son, month number two is hitting harder than the last one. I think it's finally set in that I'm not gonna be able to pack up my stuff and leave any time soon. I know you can't even read these yet, but I have to let my frustration out somewhere. Your mom isn't answering my calls anymore. I know it's a bit of a drive to see me, but she promised she'd bring you boys down to see me. I hate that you'd have to see me in a jumpsuit through a plexiglass window, but it's looking like that's not gonna happen anyway. I was counting on my one visit a month with you boys, and now I'm terrified that it's not gonna happen. What do I have to live for if my boys aren't in my world? Nothing. You two and your mom are all I have. I know it's hard on her, I know the thought of my mistake is breaking her heart, but I need to see you two. My hope is that in the next letter I'll be able to tell you all about our visit. I love you, Son. So much. Hopefully see you soon. Love, your Dad."

Austin's hands are shaking. I gently take the paper from his grasp and pull him into my arms. He yanks me into his chest and burrows his head in my hair, breathing heavily.

I think back to how Austin told me he didn't even find out that his father was in prison until multiple years later, because his mom had hidden it from them. My heart throbs at the fact that he was deceived and withheld from a relationship that had the potential to blossom.

"I'm sorry," I murmur. "I'm so sorry."

Sorry for him. Sorry for the relationship that never got to happen. Sorry for them both.

It makes me wonder; if Austin's mother had allowed their father his visits with him and Reed, would their relationship be the way that it is today? Nonexistent? Had they been given that chance to bond from the start, would things be different?

Yeah, I decide. They would, because Austin wouldn't even be in Memphis right now.

I pull him closer.

A hot tear hits my collarbone. I close my eyes, bringing him closer as he allows himself to break.

Twenty years' worth of grief, anger, and guilt is released in one whoosh of air, and my heart follows suit with it.

Its in this moment that it becomes Austin's. His to do with as he pleases. It almost feels as if the pain of our childhoods are aligned as we hold each other, the sun rising in the distance behind us. It feels vaguely like a bittersweet reincarnation.

When I was younger, I used to eye my parents' marriage and wonder how the hell it was considered 'love'. They rarely showed each other affection and argued more than they talked. That visual, however, has allowed me to see what love actually is.

Love is wanting to take away your partner's pain. Love is wanting to make it better for them. Love is wanting to give them every goddamn thing good in this world so that you never have to see them hurt again.

Seeing Austin hurt made me want to rip my heart from my chest and swap his with mine, because I'd rather myself hurt than him.

Because I loved him.

——