《Loving You Differently》Twenty Five

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I'm jolted awake by a deep voice rumbling out, "Aria."

My eyes flutter open to reveal Austin crouched down next to me, his hair rumpled from sleep, eyes tired, and concern etched across his features. I blink a few times, my eyes feeling filmy and dry. It takes me a minute to realize that I'm laying on the couch curled up on my side, facing the front door.

I forgot that I'd trekked from my bedroom to the living room after waking up from a nightmare at around 2 A.M. I remember carefully opening up Savannah's bedroom door to check that she was there and safe, and not long after I planted myself on the couch and apparently dozed off.

The sun timidly peeks out from the curtains that cover the window next to the front door, and from the way it's slow to make its appearance I have to assume it's only around six in the morning. Sav will be getting up for school within the next hour.

Austin's arm reaches out, his hand gently brushing a curtain of hair away from my face. "Come back to bed, baby."

My fists tightly clench the small throw blanket that barely covers my body. Tears prick my eyes, and I swallow harshly, trying to keep them at bay. You'd think I'd be all cried out after yesterday, but I guess not.

I shake my head, feeling small and powerless. Anxiety claws at my throat, permanently lodged there since Savannah broke down in the middle of the floor.

"I can't," I whisper shakily.

Austin's hand cups my cheek. I close my eyes as his thumb darts out, gently caressing my skin.

"No one's coming through this door and taking her from us," He rasps quietly.

I inhale sharply.

Before I can even blink, Austin is hooking both arms underneath my body and lifting me up. I open my mouth to protest, but before I can, he deftly turns his body to the side, taking my place on the couch and pulling me into his chest. A lone tear falls as he brings the throw blanket up to my chin and wraps both arms around me.

"Comfortable?" He asks quietly, kissing the back of my head.

I nod, too choked up to speak, but now no longer tired.

I stare blankly at the front door, my mind running a mile a minute. Child Protective Services opens at eight, and the first thing I'm doing after Savannah is on the school bus is marching my ass up there.

Realistically, I know that there's nothing I can do but wait, and that's the worst part about it all. The unknown, not knowing what will happen, not having any control over the situation. Hell, not even knowing when the hell a social worker will show up to do the dreaded home inspection.

The one and only time CPS showed up at our door, it felt like hours as the social worker inspected what felt like every inch of our home, even thought it probably hadn't been any longer than only sixty minutes. She held my sister and I's fate in the palm of her hand, and all we could do was sit and wait for her decision.

I don't blame Child Protective Services. I know that they're simply doing their jobs to ensure that children are being safely and correctly cared for. I blame my mother, and there's no doubt in my mind that she's the prime orchestrator in all of this. This situation has her name written all over it. All of it is so fucking terrifying, because I know that I'm more than well equipped to take care of Savannah. The only place she belongs is here, with me.

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I just hope the social worker knows that too.

"When I was eight, I begged my mom to sign me up for peewee football," Austin says quietly, snapping me out of my frazzled thoughts.

He pauses. "I told you she was protective, didn't I?"

I nod, the movement causing my temple to brush against his bare forearm.

"My mom thought football was too dangerous of a sport. Even though it was no-contact, because we were all so young. And I was little for my age. Even though I was eight, I looked about five or six. She was scared I'd get hurt," He continues.

Austin's left hand skates underneath my t-shirt to find my hip, and I relax into his body when his thumb gently rubs circles into my skin.

"I forged her signature on the parent-release permission slip. And I did a fuckin' awful job of it, because I found myself, her, and the coach sitting in the principal's office the morning after I turned it in."

A small grin tugs at my lips.

"I got down on my knees and begged her to sign it for me. I was tired of sitting in the house every afternoon, and I needed something to do. I think I even shed a tear or two, I wanted her permission so badly."

"Did she say yes?"

"Yeah," He laughs quietly. "She said yes. And then a kid broke the no-contact rule and sacked my ass at the very first practice. My mom immediately pulled me out."

I can't help but let a small giggle escape.

"My mom and Reed have held that over my head since the day it happened."

Silence settles for a moment. And then I softly speak up, "Whenever my mom and dad would argue, and they argued a lot, I would take Sav to my room and we'd hide in the closet. I'd let her listen to music on an iPod my cousin had left at our house and I'd claimed as my own. While she listened to music, I'd read the comic strips from a bunch of newspapers that I kept stashed there."

"One time," I continue, my voice cracking, "The arguing was so bad that I snuck us out of the window in my bedroom. I think I was ten, and she was seven. I walked us to the park, and we stayed there until sundown, just playing. When we got back to the house, she told me that it was the best day ever. They never even noticed we were gone."

Austin's arms tighten around body. "Baby," he whispers gently.

"I love her so much," I croak. At this point, hot tears are silently streaming down my face and I don't even care. "She's the only person who cared about me growing up. She looked at me like I hung the moon, because she knew I'd try to do whatever she asked me to. I always found a way to make it happen. It was us against the world, and I know she's turning eighteen in a few days, so it's not that big of a deal, but the thought of losing her, even for a day or two...I'm so scared."

"I know," He rasps. "But you won't, alright? You said it yourself, you always find a way to make it happen. You're the only damn person in this world who should be taking care of her. You and I both know that, Sav knows that, and the social worker is gonna know that, too."

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I sniffle and rub my cheek against the sleeve of my t-shirt.

"I'm in awe of you," Austin says quietly but firmly. "Since the moment I met you, I could see how much you care about Savannah. It's in everything you do. You work so fuckin' hard to provide for her, and she even does the same for you. Y'all are a team. The social worker will see that."

With those words, I sink into Austin's warm embrace silently cry myself to sleep, again.

When I wake up for a third time, it's to murmuring in the kitchen. Austin and Sav.

I sit up, pushing the blanket off of me. I rub my eyes and stand, yawning as I walk into the kitchen. An "oomph" escapes me as a tiny force barrels into me. Arms wrap around me, and I look down to see Sav burrowing her face in my stomach.

I quickly embrace her, and my eyes dart to the stovetop, noting that it's almost time for her to catch the bus.

"I'm gonna get dressed and head up there as soon as you're gone. I'll get it taken care of," I assure her quietly.

Her head snaps up. "Can't I just stay home today?"

I immediately shake my head. "No," I say. "The worst thing you can do right now is stay home. You need to be in school, and we all know that. Austin and I will pick you up at the end of the day though, okay?"

She nods reluctantly, apprehension swimming in her dark brown eyes. With a quick glance at the time, she shoves a pop tart in her bag and hikes it on her shoulders.

She hugs Austin and I bye, and before she can walk out of the door I say, "I love you."

Savannah looks back, a small grin on her face. "Love y'all. See you later."

The door slams shut behind her, and I immediately want to chase after her, to bring her back in the house and lock us in from the outside world where no one can intrude or split us up.

Arms wrap around my body. Austin leans down and kisses my temple. "You gonna be ready to go in thirty?"

Nerves swarm in my belly. I nod reluctantly. "I'll go get dressed."

——

The first thing I notice about the Department of Human Services building is that it's extremely old.

It sits dauntingly in a barren parking lot with what feels like every single pot hole in the world dented into the cement, a lone, dark building of worn-down brick. The 'T' at the end of 'department' is missing from the name on the side of the building.

It feels like I'm marching to my death as Austin and I walk through a hall of metal detectors and stoic-faced security guards. The directory in the lobby indicates that CPS is on the third floor, and there's no elevator, so we unfortunately have to walk up all three flights of cracked and peeling speckled linoleum.

I think I'm holding my composure pretty well, my usual resting bitch face in place to hide how I'm really feeling, until we round a corner and I spot a teary-eyed mother hugging two twin girls, who look to be about four or five, through a glass window. A woman stands a few feet behind them, a lanyard around her neck with her accreditation on it and two Dora the Explorer backpacks in her hand. The plaque next to the door reads "Visitation Room 1". I avert my gaze, and Austin squeezes my hand as we walk past.

Continuing our way down the hall, a sign on the wall points us in the direction of the office we need. I sign in at the front desk, give the old secretary who looks like she'd rather be anywhere but here the name of the social worker I need to meet with, and take a seat next to Austin in the very overcrowded waiting room. I rest my head on his shoulder, mindlessly watching a few children play with blocks and legos at a small wooden table in the corner of the room.

I'm not surprised by the wait, but I'm not thrilled about it either. As thirty minutes go by, I'm anxiously checking the time on my cell phone. When the forty-five minute mark passes, my leg begins to shake, the heel of my scuffed up, Doc Marten look-a-likes lightly tapping a dull thud against the floor.

Austin's hand on my thigh does nothing to calm my nerves. The hole in my chest grows larger as I watch person after person get called back. At this point, only one child remains at the wooden table in the corner, a little biracial boy with the biggest brown eyes and curliest dark hair I've ever seen. What I'm assuming is his father sits in a chair a few feet away from him, asleep and snoring away.

"Adkins?"

I immediately jump out of my seat. I look back at Austin, who smiles reassuringly.

"I'll be here when you get out. It's gonna be fine, Aria."

I turn to the woman standing in the doorway, a medium-build woman with striking red hair and dark green eyes. The most notable thing about her though, is the casual t-shirt and jeans she wears. Nothing like the woman in the pretentious pantsuit who inspected our home all those years ago. She smiles politely, holding the door open for me. I slide past her body and turn to face her, anxiously crossing my arms. My eyes just about bulge out of my head when I see that she has a plethora of colorful tattooes inked along her arms. The one that stands out the most looks to be Star Wars themed. I don't know why, but seeing that causes the tension to slowly leave my body, my shoulders dropping.

"Sorry about the wait. You can follow me to my office," She says, leading me down the hall.

The walk is quick, and she swiftly ushers us inside. The office is small and cramped, a wooden desk cluttered with papers and manila folders. On the wall behind it, an array of framed diplomas and degrees sit proudly on display.

I take a seat in the chair in front of the desk, noting the ripped leather on the arm rests. I glance at a placard that reads "Angela Farrish" in bold, and then meet her eyes.

"So, Ms. Adkins," She smiles reassuringly. "I can't say I'm surprised to see you here. Your sister spoke very highly of you during our meeting yesterday. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, and I want to do my best to answer them for you."

Tears prick my eyes. I clear my throat gently. "I.. I guess I just want to know why. Why is there suddenly an open case going on, days before Savannah turns eighteen? Who called you on us, and why?"

Angela averts her gaze. "Aria, I think you know that I'm not at liberty to tell you that. And even if I could, the call was anonymous, though I'm sure that doesn't make you feel any better."

"It doesn't," My voice cracks, my mind spinning with possibilities.

Angela sighs. "I was simply following protocol by paying your sister a visit yesterday. No matter what the reason for the call is, that's something that I had to do. We get hundreds of calls weekly. Some are serious, concerned people, and some are petty and uncalled for, made out of spite," She says bluntly, taking me by surprise.

"But what I can tell you is this," She continues, holding my gaze intently. "I'm damn good at my job. I love it, love what I do, love that I can make a difference in my community. You'd be surprised by the amount of home visits I make that result in me wondering why the hell someone would even waste my time and cause me to unintentionally scare a family, because there's nothing harmful happening in the household. However, if I deem the situation serious or urgent in any way, then proper precautions and actions are taken."

I relax a bit, knowing that Maeve has absolutely nothing on me. Since she was kicked out, I've done a damn good job of turning it around and into an actual home. We're fine, I think to myself.

"I understand," I say. "My little sister means everything to me. I would move the ends of the earth to give her anything she wanted. It might take a while, but it would eventually get done."

Angela smiles. "She said the same thing about you."

Her smile grows at the perplexed look on my face.

"She said you mean everything to her," She explains, a twinkle in her eye.

And, cue the waterworks.

"I'm sorry," I sniff, grabbing the tissue Angela extends to me. She waves me off.

"I understand," She says firmly. And by the empathetic look in her eye, I honestly believe that she does.

——

I exit the door that I came from, entering the now empty lobby. Austin stands from his seat, anxiety and concerned etched across his face.

"Everything okay?" He asks quietly, pulling me into his chest.

I wrap my arms around him tightly, burying my face into his t-shirt covered chest.

"It should be," I say, meaning it.

Austin exhales sharply and kisses my forehead.

I left the meeting feeling hopeful and confident in my ability to prove to these people that I'm what's best for Savannah. Now all I have to do is impatiently await Angela's arrival into our home, whenever that may be. I just know that it could be anytime between now and in three days time.

I look up at Austin, resting my chin on his upper chest. "Let's go home."

——

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