Have you ever felt as though you’ve gotten yourself into an unexpectedly difficult situation, such as being stuck in the Schwarzschild radius of a black hole, or found yourself being reduced to component amino acids by the viral wraiths of Gwam? No? Then you probably need a small cluster of symbiotic sympathetic implants to identify with our latest dispatch from the inter-galactic. We have just the things. Fitting well now? Just give them a few moments to burrow under your epidermis. There. Now you, as well as the rest of your species, providing for a decent viral infection rate, should be able to keep up.

For those of you who’ve been xeno-experiencing on these upper galactic bands for the last few millennia, you might remember Supersymetrical Particle Filterer Phil. He’s an actual Balleeni energy pod filterer (a subset which are particularly uncommon) who’s made his mission to travel through all the major sectors of the galaxy cleansing zero-point energy filters literally station to station. When he reached the Okposo Dark Cluster, he decided to try out a servicing position at a free orbiting deep space brane puncturing facility. But in doing so, this would break the number one directive he has sustained over centuries of galactic transiting:

“Never work at a job I couldn’t wormhole my way out of the moment the motivation struck me. We Balleeni are an empathically and telepathically sensitive species, and to be trapped amongst any potentially powerful emitters of consentience for extended periods of time would have psychological consequences it’s best not going into.”

He’s rather proud of the limited number of close proximity consentients who’ve been disemboweled, cut limb from limb, ventilated, disintegrated or otherwise met their maker over the course of his travels:

“Nothing that a Medicvac couldn’t repair in a jiffy. Except for the disintegrations. You can’t fix that. Not really.”

In over 6500 years, and a journey which has taken him a quarter of the way around the galaxy, he had never broken that simple directive (that he has been willing to admit, anyway). But Dark Cluster space, with its many black holes and twisted clouds of black nebulae, the dimensional fluctuations are too dangerous for large craft to navigate. This means crews of the stations that pump differential energy from pockets of warped alternative space-time are compelled to long periods of sequestration in one of the most tortured regions of known space.

But as he had developed a hankering to explore the rigors of wide open space, figured if he managed in this environment, he could take on an even more extreme assignment – filtering supersymetrical residue for decades from the propulsion pumps of a superstring skimmer as it punches through the inter-arm along the long edge of the Legendary Apahomi Rift, reputed to be one of the most unpleasant long scale experiences to be had in the history of galactic transport. To each their own:

“Who doesn’t appreciate a good bout of space sickness? Clears the system. I’m telling you, clears the system.”

With that in mind, he set off to test his ability to handle long term close quarters telempathic radiation and therefore his most fundamental aspect of his biopsychological heritage.

An interstellar projection of yours truly caught up with Phil, after a fashion, at the Macrostatic Neuro-telempathic Rehabilitation Center for Seventh Factor Consentiences. Apparently things hadn’t quite gone as hoped.

As a warning to those species with a sensitive palate for the unseemly, please double or if you are very sensitive, triple the efficacy of your Familiarity Bacterium. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

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