Closing her eyes, Felicity steadied herself as she unfolded the damp paper she held in her hands. She had forgotten about it completely. She had found it in her suitcase after her flight out of the Phoenix Airport to her new home. The Belizean humidity had rendered the letter musty and frail, but that did not lessen Felicity's fear of its contents. Weeks of peace had pushed thoughts of that tumultuous time to the recesses of her memory, but the unassuming leaf of paper guaranteed to stir memories she had worked hard to forget.

Felicity, it began simply, and her stomach clutched as her mind spoke in his voice.

There are so many things that I never got to say to you, and things that have missed their moment so will remain unsaid.

Still, there are some that I think you ought to know.

First of all, I recognize how completely messed up I was in even attempting to win you. I had spent so much of my life with a myopic perspective, totally focused on the tiny lens of how my choices affected me.

I saw that in you which had never wakened in me before: selflessness. You lived it every day of your life, and I saw it lived out in a way that broadened my lens significantly.

Can you forgive me for falling in love with that?

I was an inconsiderate, self-focused fool who could believe that, in your weakest and most vulnerable moment, it was okay for me to try to sway you to love me. In my defense, that portion of me that pursued you really believed that I was uniquely able to care for you. That part of me was newly birthed and very immature, and so I beg you will offer lenience for it.

Fortunately, you were much more experienced in that one part of life. Your love is a mature and wise love, and there is a part of me that believes you held me in that circle despite my immaturity. As if you could give me credit for my motives and intentions.

I know you hate it when I point out how amazing I think you are, but that is just one of many reasons I believe it.

You were right from the beginning to refuse me. You would have continued in the right if your compassion had not softened you, and compassion is not the kind of love I pursued with you. It was a good love, and I see the value, but I saw that it was not the same for you as I had wanted for myself.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss you, that I do not curse you for leaving me and praise you for refusing me. I am a child and a lunatic. And I can adore you and revere you while knowing with everything within me that you were never to be mine.

All I can ask is that when you think of me, you place me back in the confines of your compassion. You have changed me forever, and I cannot lose that which you awakened.

Because of you, I will walk a different path. One with more compassion and mindfulness. One that subdues my own selfish desires under the needs of others – at least more than it had before you. I have not become a saint because of you, but I have known what a saint looks like.

Thank you for waking me up. Thank you for breaking my heart. And thank you for, rather than letting me corrupt who you are, shining your light on the darkness that had confused me for far too many years.

Someday, I hope to find my own light. In the meantime, thanks for letting me borrow some of yours.

Jase

For several seconds, Felicity didn't move. She had let his time with her pass into that same illusory portion of her mind as the lie of her time with her husband, though her time with Jase held an entirely different hue than her time with Brendon.

Felicity couldn’t regret Jase.

She had opened her heart just enough to hold incredibly tender impressions of him, but she had protected her mind – as had he – from believing the impressions to be concrete reality. Still, a tear escaped her eye before she folded the letter and set it down.

Through the open window, an intricate mix of guitar and marimba floated in with the salty breeze. Felicity wanted nothing more than to join her family on the nearby caye, and, shuffling to retrieve her keys, she turned to walk out the door.

Thinking better of it, she returned to the side table where she had placed Jase's letter. She picked it up and crossed determinedly to the small, open-flamed coconut fire which repelled the manifold insects that would otherwise invade her island home. For one infinitesimal second, Felicity hesitated. Then she dropped the letter onto the embers and watched as it flared up and smoldered into oblivion.

Immediately, she strode out the door and past the dusty courtyard to the boat which would unite her with her family.

“Time to go back?” the pilot asked pleasantly.

“Yes, thank you,” Felicity replied.

The breeze cooled as it flowed across the ice-blue waters that flew by beneath her - the boat could not move fast enough. Finally, after ten long minutes, Felicity spied the caye and smiled contentedly as the boat docked, and she leaped lightly onto the wooden planks. Felicity watched as her mother tied Noah's shoe and mussed his hair playfully before scooting him back onto the make-shift dirt dance floor before them.

Though the band played loudly, her children, having nearly lost her once, seemed preternaturally attuned to Felicity's approach. Little Nicholas’s smile turned to greet her, and he rose quickly to bridge the distance between them.

“Missed you,” he said in a soft voice.

Felicity laughed. “I was gone thirty minutes,” kissing his cherubic cheek. “I’m never leaving you again, not until you’re ready to leave me,” she assured him.

“I’ll never leave you, mommy,” he insisted, and Felicity let the innocence statement rest.

Alex coolly sauntered up to her mom, Noah wheeling beside her.

“Hi, sweetheart,” Felicity hugged her daughter, who flinched in her embarrassment for only an instant. Felicity bent to kiss Noah’s golden curls. “Watch them for a minute while I go wash my hands, would you?” Felicity smiled at Alex. “I'm going to get a drink, too. Do you want something?”

“A Coke, thanks.”

Felicity nodded. “Be right back.”

Felicity rounded the corner into the low, thatch-roofed café, smiling to herself at the sight of her kids where they laughed lightheartedly. Scattered around the room Felicity entered, citronella torches mingle with the dim light of the white strings which twinkled along the eaves. The effect was relaxing and soporific. Though the sun had not set, its rays could not penetrate the low windows which faced every direction but west.

In the restroom, Felicity quickly scrubbed her hands, drying them on her jeans in her hurry to return to her brood. The barman called out to her with a cheerful greeting.

“How are you, Miss Felicity?”

“Great, thanks, Milton. How are you?” As she spoke, Felicity approached the bar to order her drinks.

“Wonderful, Miss. What can I get you?”

“I need a Coke and an iced tea.”

“No problem.”

Felicity smiled pleasantly at Milton while he prepared her drinks, and he returned her smile as he handed them to her. “Thanks,” she said and, keeping her eye on the full glasses, she turned slowly toward the main exit and started across the room. As she passed the window that opened onto the courtyard, she caught sight of her children and set the tray on a tall table so she could lean against the window sill to watch them. Noah perched next to the musicians and clapping to the beat, Nicolas ran around on the dancefloor, laughing and running away from his big sister, and Alex hovered protectively over her baby brother, corralling him away from the little road that ran beside the restaurant. Felicity’s heart lifted, and gratitude tugged her to join them as quickly as possible.

“Watch out, Miss!” Milton called as she began to spin toward the exit. In an instant, her body registered new information, and she sensed the heat of a presence which stood entirely too close behind her. Her pulse rate sped, and every instinct awakened by her new life experiences jumped to full alert.

Though she had sworn to herself that she would never use it, her hand flew – almost without her permission – to the small pistol she now wore strapped to a belt at her waistband. Adrenaline pumped speed into her motion, and with one swift turn, the gun rested against the brow of the last man she ever expected to see. If she had not that day read his letter, Felicity had no doubt that she would have screamed. Instead, her breath hitched in her chest, and her hands began to shake as he threaded his arm around her waist and lifted his hand to push the gun toward the ceiling.

“You’d better learn to take the safety off,” Jase offered with a subtle and heart-stopping smile. “But that was an impressive move.”

Everything in Felicity quavered at the vision before her, at the warmth of his arm around her as he gently tugged the cold metal from her hand.

“Jase,” Felicity barely whispered, her heart thundering as she considered how close she had come to hurting him.

“Liss,” he hummed, setting the gun down on her tray of drinks before raising his hand to her face.

Forcing herself to calm, Felicity stared into his eyes for a moment. “Why are you here?” she demanded, her tone finding strength as she registered the lack of danger.

Hurt flashed across Jase’s face, and he loosened his grip on her waist before stepping back and resting his elbow on the table. “I just wanted – have you heard about Bill?”

“Bill?” she managed. “Hopefully thrown off a four-wheeler on his flight from the cabin.”

Jase smirked, and Felicity found herself smirking back at him.

“Bill had a stroke two weeks after his flight. He's lying in a hospital in Switzerland, an invalid, unable to feed himself. You’re pretty isolated out here, and so I thought you would want to know – to get some peace.”

“Well, I guess there is some justice in the world after all.” Felicity leveled, her eyes finding a fixed spot on the wall as she considered the ramifications. When they found their way back to Jase’s face, Felicity peered at him, searching for the new determination he had promised. “So, have you made it to someday?” she wondered.

For one instant, Jase's practiced performance melted into vulnerability, and his tone softened to match. “You read my letter.”

Abashed, Felicity stared at the ground, remorse enveloping her as she thought of the ashes of the note. When she finally looked up, he had stood straighter, stepping toward her with a gaze that stopped her heart. She couldn’t move.

“Liss –” His voice kissed her name. “I shouldn’t...” Still, before she could process his words, his arm had wound again behind her waist, and he was pressing her to him.

Without a word, Felicity raised on her toes as he lowered his lips to hers. She closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of him.

“I was wrong to come here,” he whispered against her mouth. “I have to leave you now, or I never will.”

Though she wanted to beg him to stay, Felicity just nodded, and she kept her eyes closed as he released her and his warmth evaporated from before her. For several seconds, she didn’t move, fighting the massive bout of dizziness his presence had wrought.

It wasn’t real, she told herself, it was a dream. In answer to her willful thoughts, when she opened her eyes, he was gone, though she caught a familiar scent in the air where the dream had stood.

She retrieved her drinks from the table, noting the slight amusement on Milton’s face when she peered back at him through the dim light of the cabana.

Not really a dream.

Collecting herself, she pressed forward, the loss palpable but not regretted. Both of them had known, and the last kiss had not provoked regret – it had offered resolution. God had brought Jase into Felicity’s life as a knife, to sever her connection to the myth she had lived before.

Once Jase had served his purpose, he withdrew beyond her reach. Whether Felicity herself had served a similar role in Jase’s life or someone else would present to give him peace, she prayed that God would offer Jase a similar resolution to her own.

With somber assurance, Felicity turned back to the light that waited for her outside – the light that had freed her from years of illusion. Even with its imperfections, she knew that the beautiful reality of her life, outside in the tropical sun, had proven the best reality she could imagine.

As if in confirmation of her thoughts, her kids rushed to her as soon as she rounded the corner, dragging her into the gold of the setting sun, to the music and the beauty of the life she had chosen – of the life that she loved.