The seven stages of human grief had been part of Asmodeus’ demon training curriculum back in the day. Along with opportunities on how to best exploit each one. Feeling a mixture of fear, uncertainty, and trepidation he had been reflecting on each stage now, thinking how they were affecting him personally.

Shock – definite check. If I’d been any more shocked, I’d have died.

Denial – Hmm, yes and no. I knew it was coming but nothing could’ve prepared me for this.

Anger – Huge check. I’m pissed. Very pissed. He chuckled. Given half an opportunity I wouldn’t mind pissing ON old Frick and Frack. Spineless fucknuts.

Bargaining – Yup, tried that. Nobody listened.

Depression – Yes, I guess so. It’s lonely. I even miss talking to old Pyriel.

Testing – Oooh yeah, I’ve been testing, he thought. He glanced at his cast. But either nothing works or when I do, it hurts.

Acceptance – Nope, not there yet. I think I will go back to bargaining a few more times. Maybe some more testing too. I WILL NEVER SURREENDER.

Hmm, like the famous last words of many leaders before being slaughtered. Now I feel like a lamb going to the slaughter. OH man, its finally happening, I’m going slightly mad.

***

Clickety clack noises accompanied by squidgy shoes brought a sought-after distraction for Asmodeus as a nurse pushing a metal trolley appeared.

‘Good morning my dear. And how did we sleep?’ asked the homely looking nurse with a smile.

‘Um, OK, I guess.’

‘I need to change your dressing. We don’t want to get an infection now do we?’

‘No, I guess not,’ replied Asmodeus apprehensively. What the hell is an infection? ‘Is it going to hurt?’

‘I’ll be as gentle as possible, but it may be a little uncomfortable,’ she replied with a shy smile.

‘No worries, I’m a man, I can take it. Do your worst.’

‘Really? You sure?’

Asmodeus nodded. Smiling confidently.

‘Ok then. Can you please lift your gown? I need to get to your chest.’

‘No problem.’ Asmodeus lifted his gown, exposing a moderately hairy chest that had been shaved around the wounded areas. Two large, bloodstained cloth bandages covered most of his chest. He could feel another on his back. By the shoulder blade.

The nurse began by dipping a small sponge into a silver bowl. Soaking up its liquid.

‘I’m going to soak the edges of the plasters first, they come off more smoothly that way,’ she said in a subdued tone.

‘Never mind that. Just yank it off. How bad can it be?’ came Asmodeus’s cocky reply.

‘OK.’

Hmm, she was very quick to agree, thought Asmodeus, feeling a little less confident. OK, so she’s rolling the corners with her fingertips. That’s not so bad. Yeah, I’ll be OK. Hang on. Why’s she smiling like that? That sparkle in her eye… I know sadism when I see it. Oh, shit why is she grabbing the corner like that? I think I may have made a big mi —

‘FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK - BY ALL THE EVIL IN THE UNIVERSE. HOLLY SHIT. THAT WAS SORE!!!!!!’

The nurse’s eyes still sparkled malevolently as she stood back with a satisfied expression on her face. Croaking and coughing noises emanated from Pyriel’s side.

‘Hmm, not so tough after all,’ the nurse said factually. Her eyes gleamed with anticipation and her lips pulled into a sly sneer as she dropped the blood-stained bandage into a yellow container marked Destroy by Incineration. ‘Shall we continue?’ she asked in a sugar sweet tone.

Asmodeus held up his hands. His eyes pleading. Beads of sweat started pooling on his forehead. ‘I – I’ve changed my mind. Please can you soak the edges. Pretty please.’

‘Sure, all you had to do was ask.’

***

Smiling gratefully at the departing nurse, Asmodeus lay back gingerly. His chest and back were on fire.

There was no shame in screaming, he decided. Not the first, second or any other time. That was just hell. A first-hand experience of torture. No wonder humans aren’t afraid of hell. Being human is far worse, he decided.

***

Still not ready to accept his predicament, Asmodeus decided to investigate. Seldom had he taken detailed notice of the meat-suits he wore on a night out. This one, being more permanent, he decided to get to know more intimately. After all, this was not a temporary, one-night-out-on-the-town body, this was a, “Hey I’m YOUR new body and we need to work together, or all kind of shit is going to go bad”, body. Loosing limbs or the head on this one would present severe consequences for him.

Having acquired a mirror from the nurses, Asmodeus was getting to know himself. He had seen part of his new face in the ER, but the mirror completed the picture. Brownish hair, brown eyes, and a pudgy nose. A small amount of stubble covered his cheeks, chin, and upper lip. It could be worse; he told himself. If Haniel or Alastor had any imagination, they would have forced me into a female body. He shuddered. Then I would have to put up with those droopy booby thingies. Not cool. I have no idea how Pyriel does it.

Down neck, he already knew that he had a moderately hairy chest. Most of it covered in plasters and bandages. Still burning after being manhandled by that sadistic nurse. The one that had smiled sweetly, acting all innocent while her sparking eyes revealed her true intentions. Shivering with fear Asmodeus recalled that thin malevolent grin as she cooed sympathetic things like “you poor dear” or “it will soon feel better”, all while desperately trying to hide her true sadistic pleasures. He had already decided to reserve a special place in hell for her. But she had also confirmed his theory. Humans are indeed E-V-I-L.

Under the sheet he had discovered legs. A set of two. Thank goodness for small mercies, he had thought. The feet he could only make out the tip of the toes. They seemed complete and aren’t they all ugly? he had thought.

But the body part that fascinated Asmodeus the most was the penis. He had never quite understood the need for it. Or its dangling counterparts. When wearing a meat suit, the penis would just hang there, flopping left, bouncing right or just point forward depending on its size and shape. In fact, he had often thought about cutting it, and its turkey necked friends off, if they got in the way. But this penis was different. This one was his to keep so he felt an urge to get to know it better.

After half an hour of fondling, he was none the wiser, but more confused than ever. Urination he had already experienced. In a strange way it made sense that what goes in must come out. So, the penis was used to pee with, but just when he thought he understood the little fellow he discovered that this obelisk shaped appendage had a mind of its own. It was a rebel of sorts. A rebel without a clue, like himself. But this rebel came with floppy friends, whose purpose still eluded him. More mysteries were to come he feared.

***

Startled, bathed in sweat, Amadeus felt himself being shaken forcefully.

‘Detective. Wake up. You’re having a bad dream.’ He could hear a man’s voice drift through his minds misty haze of confusion.

‘Get away, no, leave me…,’ Asmodeus shouted, lashing out violently. His eyes wild, filled with terror. Sleep, although still foreign to him, had come quickly and easily after he swallowed some little white things the nurse had brought him with some water. Still wide eyed, he scanned the room. His eyes darted from side to side. Finally, he focused on the muscular male nurse standing beside the bed with a terrified expression

‘What — what happened?’ he stammered. ‘Where’re the clowns? I need to get away. Please help me,’ Asmodeus shouted. He extended his arms and lunged sideways. Ignoring the shooting and burning pain, he grabbed the nurse’s shirt and held on for dear life. His knuckles white. Their faces near touching. He whispered: ‘Please you’ve got to help me. They’re coming.’

The nurse spoke softly and calmly as he took Asmodeus’s hands into his. ‘It’s OK. You’re safe. It was just a dream.’ He guided Asmodeus gently back onto the bed.

‘What you mean, a dream? A horde of axe wielding clowns was chasing me. One of them chopped my arm off. I tried to glue it back on, but it kept falling off. Hang on.’ Frantically Asmodeus began to take stock. He first checked the arms. Two present and accounted for. He sighed with relief and continued checking. Using his hands to validate. Legs, check. Chest, check. Head? Yup, still attached, and hairy. Relaxing somewhat, he gazed questioningly at the nurse. ‘How did I get back here? Was it some type of magic?’

The nurse’s professional demeanour crumbled. He let out a heartfelt laugh. ‘Hardly. I heard you screaming. When I came in I saw you were fast asleep. Tossing about, screaming from what looked like a nightmare. So, I woke you. Dream — awake. No magic.’

‘What’s a dream?’ asked Asmodeus sheepishly.

‘You silly man. You know. Dreaming,’ said the nurse but only got a bewildered expression from Asmodeus in response. ‘Um, you know, um it’s when your mind is semiconscious thinking about things. Some people say that dreams are the brains way of processing unresolved issues. Others believe dreams could be glimpses into the future or things we are afraid of or wish to do.’

‘So, it wasn’t real?’

‘No, definitely not.’ The nurse chuckled. ‘Lie back, close your eyes, think of something pleasant and all be OK in the morning.’

‘If you say so.’ Still unconvinced, Asmodeus rolled over onto his side, winced from a stabbing pain, sighed, and fell asleep.

Several hours later, he woke to the voice of a nurse who was tending to Pyriel. The curtain had been drawn for privacy. Still weary from the nightmare he took stock to reassure his paranoia.

Arms? Check. Head? Check. Still attached. He lifted the sheet. Legs? Wowzah, what the hell? The penis stared back at him. It had grown, a lot.

‘What are you doing, little man?’ Asmodeus whispered to the penis. ‘What’s this? A good morning salute?’ With that the curtain pulled back. A nurse stood grinning from ear to ear. Sheepishly Asmodeus let go of the sheet which undulated ceremoniously down to re-cover his essentials.

‘Good morning detective. I heard you had an exciting night. Would you like me to ask Bobo, our resident clown to come down and make you some balloon animals?’

‘Don’t you dare’ Asmodeus hissed, firing dagger piercing stares at the nurse who shrugged. She as still grinning from ear to ear.

‘OK, just trying to help. I’ll let you get back to your conversation or whatever the two of you were doing.’ Winking, her eyes moved deliberately to Asmodeus’s crotch. Glaring, Asmodeus watched as the nurse giggled and shook her head as she walked away. He lifted the sheet.

‘What the—?’ Incredulous he starred at his penis which had shrunk again. It now lay flaccidly on his left thigh. ‘Hey buddy, what’s happening?’ Asmodeus prodded the penis. Nothing. ‘Hey, you OK? Did that horrible nurse scare you?’ Several grunts came from Pyriel’s direction. ‘YOU stay out of this. This is a man…well it’s between me and— well it’s personal, OK. So you mind your own bloody business.’ More grunts emanated from Pyriel’s side which he chose to ignore. He turned his attention back to the penis. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t let any harm come to you. And if we see any axe wielding clowns, we run. OK? I’m no hero and it’s OK to run and live another day. I will look after you.’ Sighing loudly, he lay back and waved his hand toward the TV. Nothing. ‘Oh, bloody hell’, he muttered reaching over to the remote. ‘Arrgghhh, double bloody hell. Is this how its’s going to be now? No powers, lots of pain, plenty of discomforts, and general unhappiness. Damn, it feels like being back home. Only difference, here I feel cold.’ He looked up at the ceiling and shouted. ‘Really? Nothing? No gloating? No sly remarks?’ More restrained he grumbled: ‘Well, fuck you too then,’ and pressed the power button on the remote.

Morning shows, kids TV. He continued flipping through the channels. Ahh, a movie. Cartoon style. Liking cartoons, he settled back in his bed and started to watch. Then came that pain again.

‘Oh, bloody hell, how often do humans pee?’ he mumbled as he pressed the call button. Moments later a male nurse appeared.

‘Good morning, Detective.’ The nurse smiled with a little too much glee for Asmodeus’s liking.

‘Humpf. I need to pee,’ he replied coldly.

‘No problem, I’ll get you a bottle.’ The nurse returned moments later with the same oblong bottle.

‘You know what to do?’ he asked smirking.

‘Yes, now go away. I’ll call you when I’m done.’ Asmodeus said as he waved dismissively. He did not feel comfortable performing in front of another man.

‘Suit yourself,’ the nurse said before walking away giggling.

Confidently Asmodeus lifted the sheet. The penis was gone.

‘What the —?’ he exclaimed. Straining his eyes, he noticed a little stumpy thing in among the large bush of hair around his pelvis.

‘What are you doing, little man? I’m not in the mood to play hide-and-seek with you. Pyriel is the one who likes to play games, not me.’ Asmodeus prodded the penis. Nothing. He prodded it some more. It grew a little, leaning to one side. ‘Seriously, I need to pee and could really do with some help here.’ Several grunts came from Pyriel’s side. ‘You stay out of this; this is between me and — ‘Asmodeus looked up. The TV showed a large cartoon man dressed all in black addressing a stumpy yellow minion.

“Bob, where’s Stuart gone?” The cartoon man asked the little minion. Asmodeus peered at his penis.

‘Bob,’ he shouted with delight. ‘Your name is Bob.’ Grinning like Pooh Bear with a full jar of honey, he turned to Pyriel. ‘This is between me and Bob. You stay out of this.’ He heard several grunts. ‘Me and Bob will come over there and pee on you when I can walk.’ Glancing down, Asmodeus noticed that Bob had grown a little.

‘Ok, let’s do this,’ Asmodeus said confidently. He grabbed the bottle and stuck Bob in as far as he could and let go. ‘Ooohhh yeah. That’s the stuff.’ Finishing off like a pro, Asmodeus pulled out of the bottle and pressed the call button. The same nurse appeared moments later.

‘You finished?’ The nurse asked, pointing at the bottle.

‘Yes. Yes, I am,’ replied Asmodeus proudly as he handed over the half full bottle.

Nodding approvingly, the nurse disappeared, leaving Asmodeus to settle back into his bed to watch the rest of the movie while patting Bob lovingly from time to time.

Maybe this human thing won’t be so bad after all, he thought as he gave Bob’s companions a good scratch. ‘Mmmmmm, oohhh yeah. Now that feels gooooood…’

***

Pyriel had been listening to Asmodeus’s conversation with his new bestie. Feeling slightly violated with a mix of jealousy she wondered when she would have an opportunity to explore her new body without excruciating pain every time she moved. Bed ridden, all nutrients being administered intravenously while hooked up to a catheter, she felt none of the bodily urges Asmodeus was complaining about. She knew her time would come, but would she be ready?