《First Wins & First Kisses: Confessions of a K-Pop Stan》Fate and other Four Letter Words

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Chapter 4

Fate and other 4 letter Words

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GXY_Officialmembers

#Bren

Hi, my Dear Astras,

“Rock Galaxy” is here!

Do you like it?

#BrendanChoi #Bren #GXY #RockGalaxy #RockwithGXY

@BrensAngel @GXY_Officialmembers

Hi Bren! I absolutely adore it, especially your line, ‘When the moonlight hits your eyes, your voice is so lush. #RockGalaxy #RockwithGXY #Moonlighteyes

@Beechgirl @GXY_Officialmembers

The song is giving me life! I am buzzing.

@SummerKiki GXY MoonlightEyes @GXY_Officialmembers

Congrats on your comeback! GXY first win let’s go!

Bren

I paced in the waiting room like a mad man, the members outside monitoring our rehearsal and all I thought about was the time. As the seconds ticked by agonizingly slow, my heart caught in my throat and its all I can do not to scream. Just then Tony walked in and shut the door behind him, meanwhile I am still pacing.

‘What time is it?’ I asked him.

’10 minutes to 19:00,’ he said and he gave me a look like I’d grown three heads. ‘Hyung you look sick.’

I didn’t answer, just bit my thumbnail absentmindedly while Tony took a seat on my left. ‘Weil, I guess you have a right to look sick, knowing what you know.’

I froze and my eyes snapped to him.

‘Bro, keep your voice down,’ I warned him and checked that the door was indeed closed. ‘No one else knows, bloody hell you’re not even supposed to know.’

‘Know that our entire future is riding on this one song,’ he said lazily checking his hair in the mirror.

‘Why did I even tell you?’

‘Well, you were pissed at the time.’

‘Well, I just found out the CEO will basically give up on us if this comeback isn’t his idea of successful. You’d get pissed too.’

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There it was. Our fate dangling by a thin line, a line and numbers on a chart.

‘Our MV views are high,’ Tony argued.

‘MV views won’t get the CEO off my back, hell MV views won’t get my dad off my back.’

What convinced my father to let me push back going to university to pursue music I will never know. I was supposed to learn the family business and one day take over myself. But he said to me, ‘Youth is fleeting son, spend it how you like cause once it’s over, you’ll never get it back.’ But his patience was wearing thin. If I don’t deliver results, I can kiss my dreams goodbye.

‘Hey at least if this fails, you have a job waiting for you,’ said Tony possibly reading my thoughts and he kept the bitterness in his voice to a bare minimum. That was the reality of my situation. ‘No matter what happens today, you’ll bounce back.’ He didn’t look as downcast as I thought he should, still a note of sarcasm in his voice but no sadness.

‘How can you be so calm about all this?’

‘Cause. like you, I have a plan if this goes pear shaped. I’ll go back to the states. Get my degree and maybe start producing rather than performing.’ Tony was a talented and sought-after music producer, having produced tracks for other more successful artist including some soundtracks for hit dramas. He spoke with a nonchalant voice and with a weak smile on his face then his eyes turned dark. ‘It’s the others I’m worried about.’

My dongseangs didn’t have it as well as the two of us. Failure would mean something different to them both mentally and financially.

‘You’ll have to tell them eventually you know,’ said Tony. ‘Don’t leave it til the CEO tells us to pack our bags.’

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‘How can I tell them,’ I said, my voice rising. ‘I could only tell you cause I was pissed out of my mind.’

How can I tell Seungyoun, JT, Shou, Hyeon and Minho that their dreams end here? How on earth can I tell little Minho fresh off his successful webdrama that his career will end with this song? That 2 years, hell no 5 years of his life was going to go down the drain? That all his hopes and dreams were going to be washed away and he’ll be labelled a failed idol. No, I couldn’t do it. Not yet. Not until I know for sure that it is over. That there will be no turn around. When I can finally face it myself, I will have the courage to face them.

‘I’ll wait until our last stage, then break it to them,’ I said. ‘So, we can go out with a bang and make our last performance our best.’

‘Two minutes,’ said Tony checking his Apple watch.

What does success look like? Is it the amount of fans? The amount of money, the amount of passion for the craft? Success means something different to a lot of people. To me, it’s seeing the looks on our Dear Astras faces when we perform. Hearing their fanchants, reading their fan letters and reading how our music touches them. How lyrics I wrote got them to feel better about a tough situation or helped them cope with loss.

Unfortunately, my version of success isn’t shared by our CEO or my father. Success to OWE is charting high, selling high because those things lead to getting sponsorships. Sponsorships is how idols make money. And only successful idols are offered sponsorships.

Failure here means crawling back to my father and telling him my dreams weren’t good enough. That I wasn’t good enough.

‘Hyung,’ came Tony’s deep voice blankly staring at his smartphone. Eyes unblinking, mouth open.

Will fate give us another chance or will Moonlight Eyes be our final stage?

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