AN: As anyone who reads j0nn0s' 'Noodle Knight' fiction know, I am one of the leeches that hides in the corner, coming out of the dark whenever something catches my interest.

Now, j0nn0 once remarked that he wasn't going to give bob a, "Milf, Loli, and Yandere harem," in response to a persons comment.

This makes me very sad.

Thus, I have taken it upon myself to do what has been done several times before. Whether it be because of my raging disregard for peoples' intentions, my spiteful nature that seeks to turn the words of everyone against themselves, or perhaps my inner desire to take all of the good things in the world and cut them up, crush them, drown them, and then set it on fire, I have determined to myself to do what all responsible users of the internet dare not do.

That's right, gentlemen and G.I.R.L.s, I'm breaking the taboo.

THIS, IS, FANFICTIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!1!!11!

*For the duration of this thread, I will be staying completely PG.

Any inappropriate phrasing you think you see is entirely your own filthy imagination, and is in no way the fault of the author. Please take up all complaints with j0nn0. He loves it, really. Please enjoy the long, probing, thick with disease story that follows. Feeling violated is a common and usual result of viewership, if you experience coughing, sneezing, diarrhea, vomiting, butthurt, heartburn, or even death, please contact your local doctor and ask for something called bleach, or any other type of strong cleaning liquid or type of pesticide, and ingest immediately. If none of these are available, climb the nearest place of at least thirty feet of height, close your eyes, and perform a trust fall with the pavement. Concrete'll catch you every time. Author is not liable for any form of injury resulting from following the previous instructions, and any attempt at lawsuit will be responded to with an elite team of cyber-punk ninjas. For delicious pastry confections, please visit our brand-name-store, 'NotMadeOfPeople.' or visit our website at www.PleaseStopThisPsychopathFromPuttingMeInTheseCupcakes.com.

Our slogan is, "As long as you don't ask questions, you'll be happy!"

Done without j0nn0s' permission, nothing contained is confirmed canon. Go read the actual fiction already, weirdo.*

-Shortly after Bob introduces the kids to the city, taking place after chapter 9 and before chapter 10-

Haa-

Those kids sure were a handful. Now that I've sent them off to purchase some camping gear, they're finally out of my hair. I'm sure that they won't get lost in this sprawling metropolis that they've never been to before, nor do I think they'll run into any trouble with unsavory folk.

Now, time to sample the local cuisine. Let's see if they've improved any from last time!

...

"Hmm...Mhm?...MMM!"

I raise my fork high, and proclaim my verdict.

"This steak is worthy of 4.3 stars! The way it invades my mouth and fills every part, the tender yet firm flesh, and the excellent use of sauce are all exceptional! However, the meat does leave a salty aftertaste, which does take away from the overall experience. Perhaps a lightening of the seasoning would serve to improve your dish?"

The comfortably large chef of the rather famous restaurant I have come to sample bows several times, a large smile breaking out. He wipes away the sweat that came from the anticipation of my opinion, and lets out a large breathe.

"Why, thank you! It is an honor to receive such high praise from you, Sir Bob. I stroke my meat every day to encourage tenderness, and make sure to marinate all of my flesh in moist, warm vats of wine. It was all worth it, to hear such warm compliments from you!" The chef continues to elaborate, but my mind wanders as the conversation deviates from my favorite subject-food.

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-hm?

The sound of a plate shattering reaches my ears, and the splat of food spilled on the floor. A loud, high-pitched and extremely childlike voice rings out along with the breaking china.

"Unforgivable!! You stupid idiots brought me m-meat! Can't you blind morons see that I'm a herbivore!?" Saying so, the young girl furiously wiggled her long white rabbit ears. She rebuked and scolded the servers, her diction becoming more and more risque as time goes on.

"And next time, I'll have all of you penetrated from behind with giant p-"

I pick her up by grasping both of her ears, and lift her to my eye-level. "Let's stop there. Little girls shouldn't say those words, and most of all, you shouldn't waste food."

She struggles furiously, not at all in pain, but completely in tantrum mode. "I'll have them stuck with pikes! I swear! And you too! Let me down, stupid!"

I shake my head at her voice. Children can be so loud. "Listen, you spilled your food all over the floor. Now Hotdog has to clean up."

She pouted, and folded her arms. "Who cares what you think. I'll say what I wan-when did that dog get in here?"

I ignore her protests, and leave the building with the heartfelt thanks of the waiter. "Let's go find your mother, little girl."

"Wha-little?! I'm the crown princess of Fuzzadonnia, Princess Cutit! I turned eighteen yesterday, so put me down stupid!"

I carry the kicking and screaming girl for five straight minutes before she gets too tired to yell. I then allow her to walk behind me as we continue looking for her guardian.

While passing an open-air cafe, a voice full of maturity, wisdom, and experience calls out. "Yoohoo~over he~re~"

I take Cu-something over to the older woman, a fulsome and curvaceous beauty. I push the self-proclaimed princess forward, and give a salute or whatever it's called. "Hello, is this yours?"

Cutit looks at me with her seeming trade-mark pout, and yells, "HEY! Is that any way to refer to the crown princess of f-"

"Oh, my darling Cutit! Jizabel has been so worried about you~" Cutit practically disappears within the older woman's' bosom, as intense a hug as ever I'd seen it. I wonder if Cutit can breathe?

"Oh~I was so worried, for you to go missing so sudden~ever since your parents entrusted me with your care, I've just been s~o happy!"

I decide to exit as quickly as possible, as Cutit has stopped struggling and is slowly being swallowed by the endless cleavage. I hope to escape before I befall the same fate. Food is too delicious to die so young. I begin to walk silently away.

"Oh~ Where are you go~ing, Sir Knight~~I must express my th~anks~"

"Ah, I really have to get back. I have some kids of my own to take care of, you see."

"Oh~? But I ordered far too much cake~won't you stay and he~lp m~e?"

All that is visible of the crown princess is one small shoed foot. But, she said cake...

...

"Oho~ho~ho~ho~ho~! You are far too funny, Sir Bob. Would you like another bi~te?"

"Why not? Ah-"

I accept the delicious Flagelité into my mouth. Indeed, this cafe is top-quality. In a distant world, far away from my ecstastic universe full of taste and flavor, the sound of an immense procession coming to a halt reaches me. I briefly return to reality to see what could make such noise.

A proud line of knights holding pennants, an elderly steward, and a horse bearing the livery of the king. Sitting upon the pure white horse at the head, is no other than Princess Edith.

"Hm? Strange to meet you here, Edith."

"Bob...wHaT iS tHiS aBoUt?!"

I smile, and pat the seat next to me and Cutit. "Oh, we're enjoying the local cuisine. Would you like to join Jizabel, Cutit, and I?"

Suddenly, her expression becomes like steel, and a rigid curve appears on her lips. "Oh, is that so...? Well, how about I meet these...'frIeNdS,' of yours. Would you mind?"

Jizabel returns a smile exactly like Edith's, and gives a grand gesture. "Not at all, Princess Edith. Please, come and sit."

For the next half-hour, the three ladies take turns feeding me cake.

"S-stupid, i-it's not like I'm f-feeding you or anything! I-I just got too much..."

"Open wi~de and en~jo~y~~"

"I hope you like it, Bob~"

I get up when it's time for me and the kids to meet up. As I leave, an almost visible lightning bolt zips back and forth between the three ladies.

Huh, they all have the exact same smile on their faces. Perhaps it's a girl thing?

I reach the fountain where the three kids are supposed to meet, and find a dirty Nathan, an exhausted Serina, and a bandanna-wearing Riley. I'm not gonna ask.

In the near-distance, an explosion occurs. Nearby, screams and yells accompanied by running fill the streets. I whistle, and check my wrist.

"Okay, kids. Ready to go?"

"Aren't you going to check out what's happening?" Nathan asks.

I shake my head. "Nah, I'm sure Edith will take care of it. Let's go!"

And with that, we set off for adventure.

j0nn0, I'll delete this in an instant if you ask. Just say the word, and -BOOM- gone forever. Not from my nightmares, though...

Continued never, please kill me now.

I'm so, so sorry.