Chapter 21

"Why does every single muscle you move has to end up with me touching you?"

That was perhaps Professor Ren’s first sentence, considering he was silent for the entire ride. After arriving at his place, he put you in the elevator while he used the stairs up to the top. He just didn’t expect you to end up sitting on the stone flooring. And if you had to be honest, neither did you.

And just as you lifted your head, the elevator door closed in front of his resting, grumpy face.

It’s not that you did everything in your power to get him to touch you. It was more that you probably would have ended up on the floor if he hadn’t. Sure, once or twice he had to hold your arm or hair while you threw up in front of his apartment and couldn’t stand properly. After all, he was the one who had offered to take you back to his place. So basically, he could imagine what he was getting himself into.

Making sure you didn’t die was not the hardest thing to do. And in this case, Professor Ren has done a great job so far.

Time passed slowly, and the strength to get up became harder and harder. Why didn’t he hold the door? And before you shakily got back up on your bare feet, with a cling, the elevator door opened again.

Professor Ren’s face glowed in relief. “I see you got back on your feet without my help.”

You held on to the grab bars. “I’m trying, just gimme… hic… some time. What took you so long?” With your head spinning, you made it out of the elevator.

Professor Ren led you to the left, where a bright light sparkled from a large open door. Just as you were about to enter, his hand softly patted your shoulder. “Hold on,” he said, and pointed his finger to the floor. A small path of different dark tones of towels were leading straight to the bathroom. “Follow the towels.”

You squinted your eyes. “Are you — are you a germanophobe?”

Shock crossed his face. “What? I hope you mean a germaphobe.”

“Yeah, that’s… hic… what I said.”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “No, I’m not a germaphobe. I just don’t want my house to get dirty. Especially not after I’ve been cleaning it all day.”

“Ah, I see, I see,” you smirked, rubbing your hands together. “Wiping away the traces.”

“Just follow the path,” he said, annoyed.

You let out a silent laugh and stretched your arms to both sides. Like a circus artist, you stuck up your nose and stepped on the soft and luxurious towels. As you arrived in the bathroom, you couldn’t help but complain about the bright light that splintered in your eyes.

“I don’t like your mirror lights,” you said, trying to block it with your hand.

You recognized Professor Ren in the mirror standing near you and pushing up his sleeves to his elbows. “Oh, really? I’m sure it feels the same way about you.” To your wish, he turned them off with the only light coming from the ceiling.

Staring at him in the mirror was not nearly as fascinating as simply turning your head to him. His strong arms, and how his black shirt, that pulled slowly upwards, hugged his muscles. And his concentrated gaze...

“I see you.”

Frighteningly, you turned your face forwards. When Professor Ren finished, he plunged his hands onto his hips and let out a breath. Although you continued to look at him in the mirror, he turned his gaze downward to you. “Your turn.”

Your eyes widened. “I beg… hic… your pardon?”

He pointed with his finger at your legs. “Your pants are too long.” It took you a while to understand what he was planning on doing. Or better to say why he was doing it. “I’m going to push them up to your knees.”

You nodded your head without guessing his next move. He kneeled in front of you and started pushing your pant legs. For the first time, you were taller than him. Yet this all seemed kind of familiar…

You hesitated. “Maybe you should let it be.”

As you wiggled your leg, he stopped and looked up in confusion. “But it’s going to get wet.”

“That’s fine with me.”

A thought flashed through his mind. “Oh, would you rather do it yourself?”

“No, it’s just—” You glanced at his eyes, noticing how a golden inner ring was peeking out of his forest eyes. It really surprised you how Ms. Rey could resist them. Oh right, because of his shitty personality. “I forgot to shave.”

Professor Ren stood up and knitted his brows. “Are you embarrassed?” He then let out a chuckle. “Why would that bother me? It’s just hair that keeps your legs warm. I have them too, and even more than you.”

You clasped your arm as your gaze passed through the air. “Yeah but—”

“But what? Hm?” He crossed his arms, waiting for an argument. His coldness disappeared. You didn’t know if it was because of the apartment where he suddenly changed into a nice person or he was just a talented actor with a lot of patience.

You couldn’t tell him how embarrassed you felt, for the teacher you dislike the most taking care of you. He didn’t want to do this, and you wished you had chosen a different place. Even standing with him so close in the same room felt so illegal.

“Did you think I would judge you for what you choose to do with your body?” he continued.

You bit your cheek. “Sort of.”

He rolled his eyes. “I really don’t want to know what else you think about me.”

“It’s just — you look like someone who judges people as a hobby.”

He took a better look at you, slowly tracing his eyes at you from up to down. “And yet you’re the one who judges me,” he said in a dark tone.

There is nothing you’d rather do than to sink into the ground right here and now. As he went back to pushing up your pant legs, you lost your balance and braced yourself with your hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry,” you let out in a squeak.

He grunted. “If it keeps you from falling, you’d better keep your hand on me.”

A shiver ran down your back. Maybe he was not such a scumbag after all. Maybe he could guess that you are not exactly comfortable with him in your current state? It felt wrong. Even more wrong than being at home with Vicrul.

Professor Ren straightened and clasped his hands. “Alright. Now carefully get into the bathtub.”

You gasped in surprise. “What did ya just say?”

“Get in the bathtub, so I can wash your feet.”

You scrunched up your face and scraped the back of your head. “I don’t like how this sounds. Why don’t you just let me take a full shower?”

He chuckled while scratching his neck. “So, you slip and pass out?” He continued, lifting his voice. “And then I have to explain to the ambulance and your parents why their daughter was with her teacher in the middle of the night? No, thank you.”

That you have not thought of. He was just as obligated as you to keep his mouth shut. Which basically meant you both had from now on the same secret. And God forbid if anyone found out…

He frowned as he calmed down. "Look... I'd rather sell my soul to the devil than do that. But if you're not even capable of standing on one leg, how am I supposed to trust you enough to let you shower alone without accidentally killing yourself?"

“I'm not a flamingo, so I'm not even supposed to stand on one leg," you protested. "And my feet aren't even that dirty."

He clenched his jaw. “You literally stepped in your own puke!” He took a deep breath and clasped his hands together. “Please do me the favor and don't make this harder and more awkward for me than it already is.”

He did indeed feel the same. And he even used the word please. Looks like today was your lucky day. Letting him do the thing would indeed be the easiest way and was probably the safest option.

You sighed and stepped with one foot into the bathtub. “Fine.” The wall was too far away to lean onto and before you landed with your nose in the bathtub, Professor Ren grabbed you by your waist.

“Do you know what carefully means?” he taunted in a furious tone.

The blood drained from your face. He had a pretty fast reflex and a firm grip, just like Finn said. As you placed your second foot straight in the bathtub, he let go of you.

“Forgive me,” you heard Professor Ren say in all earnest, narrowing his gaze to the floor.

“You have, uh…, you got there something,” you mentioned, pointing at some dirty spots on his shirt.

“It’s nothing,” he assured while scratching it. He didn’t look at you, and why would he? He felt just as embarrassed as you did.

He switched on the faucet so that the water came out of the rain shower. Carefully, he reached for the water to find the right temperature, without burning or freezing your feet.

If you used to think that during a car ride there would be an awkward silence, you would have never guessed that you would end up in a position where there could be something worse. It’s not every day a teacher rinses his student’s feet when they’re drunk. Although you could imagine Ms. Rey doing this.

Even your bubbly drunk was too ashamed to say anything. With the strength you still had in your arms, you held on to the wall behind as securely as you could. Not wanting to make it even more embarrassing by having to hold on to his shoulder again. Thank God he didn’t have to touch your feet.

Professor Ren’s eyes and back must have hurt from how long he was bent over. He sighed in delight and went through his hair when it was finally over. He took a new towel and passed it to you. As he realized what you intended to do, he said, “You can hold on to me. The wall is too moist.”

You swallowed thickly. “Uh, thanks.” With one hand, you reached to his shoulder while with the other you tried to dry your feet one by one. You liked how the both of you avoided eye contact when your bodies were too close. It made it feel less wrong and much more professional. When you stepped on the floor, you didn’t notice before how two pairs of white slippers were already waiting to warm up your feet. And just like Cinderella’s glass shoes, they fitted.

“I have to pee,” you blurted out.

He rubbed his eyes. “Thank you for the information. Suit yourself.”

“Wait!” you yelled as he was about to leave the room.

You hesitated for a second, feeling how your heart raced for what you were about to say. “I — I need your help.”

Professor Ren almost choked on his own spit. “To um — take off your pants?” he suppressed with a nervous laugh.

“Something like that.”

It was hard not to notice how your teacher turned into a statue, whose cheeks were flushing red. He was probably having an internal panic with himself, with the only wish to have never invited you. He loosened his collar where sweat was already gathering under his sleeves. “Listen, uh,” — he cleared his throat — “I hope you can understand—”

“It’s a jumpsuit, and I can’t reach back to unbutton myself,” you explained, showing him your back. “Could you please be so kind and carefully do it for me?”

A shaky laugh escaped from him, and he loosened his stiff posture. You heard him whisper something in relief to himself as he walked over to you.

His fingertips touched the back of your neck, and out of reflex, you went stiff, bitting your lower lip. Usually, it wouldn’t take that long, but he seemed to have a hard time.

“Damn it, why do the buttons always have to be so tiny?” Professor Ren raged, fiddling with it from all the sides.

You smirked, “Probably because they’re not made for large hands.”

A tearing sound and a sudden cold filled your naked back with a long silence.

“Did you just —” you gasped heavily as the upper part fell into your hands with whom you quickly covered your chest. With wide eyes and full of embarrassment, you turned around only to find Ren with closed eyes and both palms raised in surrender.

“I swear it was not my fault,” he explained immediately, stepping slowly back.

“Not your fault?” You raised your voice. “Who else is there to blame?”

Professor Ren finally opened his eyes. “The people who sew these damn clothes!” He took a breath. “Look, I understand that you’re upset—”

“Upset?” you repeated with the hint of a mock. “I’m not upset, I’m furious! You broke my jumpsuit!”

“I didn’t do it on purpose!”

“Well, do you know what carefully means?”

It was ridiculous how one screamed at the other in such a casual way, both of you completely forgetting your positions. As if you had been a couple for years.

“You know what?” His voice started off strong and full of confidence yet, the further he thought, the less confident he appeared. Seeing your face in all shades of red, ready to throw the toilet brush at him if he would say anything more, was not a risk he wanted to take. And just without finishing his sentence and an imaginary grey cloud dangling over his head, he left the room and slammed the door behind him.

You ended up spending much more time in the bathroom than you thought. The fear that any time Professor Ren would just rush in and catch you naked was your biggest fear. Wearing jumpsuits and trying to pee while being drunk seemed like a mistake you would rather avoid in the future.

When you rubbed your eyes, you were unsure if the black you saw was your mascara or if you were about to faint. A nice warm blanket and a glass of water would do you better. Professor Ren came after a while, checking up on you. In his concerned tone, you could almost think he was ready to call an ambulance if you didn’t respond to him straight away.

He had brought you his dark green bathrobe that you could wear instead of your broken jumpsuit. It was way too large for you, but it looked and felt very soft. You just had to give it a good tug with the belt, and it would somehow fit. Just don’t trip over it…

You expected it to stink of disgusting men sweat, but probably nothing could top your alcoholic mouth odor. It was difficult to ignore how good his scent smelled all over his bathrobe. It was almost exactly like his car, but in a much sexier way. There was no doubt he knew what to spend his money on.

You wondered how many partners got to wear his bathrobe after some steamy shower sex or a secret one-night stand. Hopefully, he washed it before. The thought of your teacher having a sex life disgusted you. But in the end, it was a gracious gesture from him, and you were more that grateful for what he did and not did. Mr. Hux would probably be quite the opposite.

After accepting that you looked like a ghost, you set out to find your teacher. Stepping out of the bathroom, you found on the left side two closed doors and on the right side a small corridor with a shimmer of light coming out of the room.

There was a reason they mention in fantasy books to always follow the light. And that’s exactly what you did. As expected, his guest room had a connection to his kitchen, but compared to your house, it was much smaller. And the furniture much darker.

Professor Ren sat behind the closed kitchen counter on a bar stool, glaring at his phone. You were still mad about him ripping your favorite jumpsuit, but somehow, you believed him.

“You know if you would lend me your sweatpants, I could make a jumpsuit out of them,” you said, trying to ease the discomfort with some humor.

He couldn’t help but smile for the first time. “That would remind me of those cat videos, that are being wrapped in carpets to get their nails trimmed.”

You blinked in doubtful amusement. “You watch cat videos?”

He sneered, "Not — by my free will. I always get them sent—”

As he glanced up from his phone, his eyes softened, and his lips pursed slightly when you sat down on the other side of the counter. He couldn’t help but mention, “The color… suits you.” And then, with grinding teeth, he walked over to the sink.

In a positive shock, your opened mouth turned into a grin. “I cannot believe what I just heard. Was that… was that a — compliment? From the one and only Professor Ren?”

He shook his head. “You’re hearing voices.”

You laughed loudly, “I only heard your voice. And it’s not like I just saw your mouth opening and closing.”

Professor Ren didn’t look at you. He only grumbled under his breath as he washed a glass. “I see your makeup suits the season.”

You nodded as the corner of your mouth quirked up. “Good one.” When he gave no response, you continued, “I still have to wipe it off, though.”

He gave you a skeptical look over his shoulder. “Then what have you been doing in the bathroom for so long, counting water drops?”

You rolled your eyes. “It’s not that simple. I need micellar water.”

His eyes darted to you in confusion. “What is that?”

“Oh, you know,” — you fizzled with the sleeves — “special water to clean my skin and my waterproof mascara.”

“I don’t have this type of special water.”

“Why?”

His forehead creased. “What do you mean why?”

You sighed, tracing your fingers on the white lines of the black marble. You watched Professor Ren dry off his hands and start cleaning out the dishwasher.

“If you’re wearing waterproof mascara, then I’m afraid you got scammed,” he continued, to which you shrugged. “There’s no way waterproof mascara turns you into a panda ghost.”

“Pandas are cute,” you answered in an opposed tone.

He stopped for a second. “I’m taking my words back. You look like you’re about to join the KISS band.”

You sneered. “I don’t look that bad. And I actually like their makeup. Makes them stand out from the others.”

He paused, taking you fully in with a formed smile. “Right, you look much worse. You’ll give me nightmares.”

Although he hopefully meant it as a joke, you let yourself sink into an unpleasant memory. Nightmares… Were you going to have one of them tonight? This time even worse than the ones before? The nails drilled into the palm of your hand, leaving marks behind.

“Are you still with me?” Professor Ren’s voice snapped you back. He propped his hands on the counter, trying to read you.

You gave him a weak smile. “Yeah, yeah, I’m just low on battery.”

His mouth twitched. “Do you want to explain to me what happened in the car?”

You rolled your eyes. “I was sad, drunk and lonely. Do you want me to continue?”

“You still are, but please continue,” he answered playfully, leaning in forward.

Your face went stiff as you clicked your tongue. “This is none of your business.”

“Fair,” he acknowledged. “But I’m serious. You shouldn’t consider this as normal. Do you have someone you can talk to about this?”

Finn was the first one to pop into your head. You have always told him about your problems. He was not only a good listener, but he also even got to be a good advisor. But since Qi’ra moved in with you, you felt a little detachment from him.

Even when you promised to call Finn if you needed help hiding a body, you knew he would only freak out and tell his mom. You didn’t think you’d encounter something like that in your life. And yet, the person who was completely chill about it was your mother. And of course, Qi’ra. Heck, they were so much more than professional gravediggers… But to talk to them about how you felt about the whole thing was going to be hard. Qi’ra would say you were exaggerating. And your mother would only agree with her.

“You’re not my therapist,” you said coolly.

He cocked his head. “No, not exactly, but I’m still your teacher,” he said gently but in a serious voice. “The person you should approach when you have a problem and no one else to talk to.”

You looked up at him with a fake smile. “Looks like no one ever told that you’re not as approachable as you think.”

His offended gaze darted to the counter. “I’m still working on that.”

You stared at the upper cabinets on the other side and looked back at him. “Do you think we should always have a solution for our problems?”

It was a question that had been on your mind for a little while. It was probably the stars with the influence of the night and alcohol that made you curious about his answer to this philosophical question.

He crossed his arms, taking a minute to think about it. As the answer occurred to him, his lips formed a thin smile. His eyes sparkled as he looked at you. “I’m a psychologist, not a philosopher. However, I believe if it is a burden in your life that holds you back from growing and enjoying your happiness, then you should take it more serious and seek for help.”

The corner of your eyes crinkled, feeling the tears already coming. You put on the biggest fake smile you could. “I don’t think I can solve mine and get something positive out of it.” You bit your lip as you nervously started picking on your nails.

Professor Ren had a calm face, analyzing the situation and what he could do to help. He finally sat back down and rested his hands on the counter. “Well, alcohol won’t help you with that either.” You let out a scoff, wondering if he expected for you to laugh. “Yes, alcohol makes the problem look tiny for a while,”—he trembled his mouth— “but the next day, the problem will only grow bigger. And the more you lose yourself in the pleasure of drinking, the more you turn into the major problem yourself.”

You shook your head, smiling as your eyes darted back to him. “My values are being challenged… disturbed…” You swallowed thickly to hold the tears back. “And I’m drowning in them.”

“And what lies at the bottom?”

You thought for a moment. “Fear…”

He tugged his brows. “Fear of death?”

You’ve never seen your teacher like this. So understanding and so nice. So gentle… His eyes sparkled all the warm Autumn colors, letting you know that indeed, here with him, you were in a safe place. You slowly nodded, lifting your eyes to him.

You had more than this one fear that at least everyone had for at least once in their live. He didn’t need to know more. It has come so far that it’s considered being normal. But in Professor Ren’s eyes, he would mark every other word that escaped your mouth as abnormal. The situation you were in was already sufficiently unusual. You just needed to rest. From all of it…

“Fear is no stronger than what you allow it to be,” he said with determination. “It’s how you deal with it that matters. You’re the one in control. See it as your rival, your enemy. You can imagine what fear has in store for you.” Then he raised a finger. “Fear, however, does not know what you keep hidden and prepared to fight it back. And do you know why?"

You shook your head.

"Because it doesn't expect you to go this far."

You attempted to think about it. As your head was getting heavier, you felt your own battery being seconds away from passing out. With the cozy bathrobe, you would have no problem falling asleep right in front of him. “And what should I do when I feel the fear coming at me?”

He pursed his lips and adjusted his position so that he could lean closer to you. “Instead of running away or relying on something or someone to save you from it, learn how you can rely on yourself and become your own savior.”

He talked as if you had another person sitting in front of you. The complete opposite of what he pretended to be at school. Maybe you were still dreaming and what you thought would be a nightmare ended up being a quite pleasant dream. If only he could always be like this… If you had told Finn that Professor Ren was the one who put on a genuine smile on you, he would have said you’re insane.

You scratched your nose. “Why didn’t you take off your watch in the bathroom?” you switched the subject.

He slightly narrowed your eyes with a coy smile. “Because unlike your mascara, my watch is actually waterproof.”

That little bastard did indeed make you laugh. And not even once. You have never seen his smile, but it was the most precious thing you could recognize about him. And those dimples… It was like a sparkle of light that made the shadows in him slowly fade away.

Again, you found yourselves in a silence that was not awkward at all. Rather in peace. Just like the night.

“I forgive you,” you expressed with a breath.

Although his eyes went round in surprise, he nodded in relief. “Thank you. I did not expect that from you.”

“Oh, don’t expect me to forgive you for all the other things you said and did to me before,” you maintained in a threatening tone, holding up a finger. “I forgive you only for today.”

He crossed his arms and set his mouth in a hard line. “I’m surprised you forgave me at all. Considering that you won’t apologize for the things you said and did to me.”

“Sorry professor, I’m too… hic… drunk to remember them,” you lied with a slight smile and a wink.

After a second, his and your mouth corners lifted at the same time. What a weirdly and yet comforting connection you felt with him. The power of a smile and a mutual conversation seemed to have solved your misunderstandings. The wall that you both built against each other collapsed at the same time.

To your right, on the side by the box of napkins, you noticed a glass of water. The thirst seized you and you couldn’t resist. “I should probably take a sip.”

As you were about to reach for the glass, Professor Ren snatched it from you. “No, that’s been standing there for way too long,” he said instantly. “Why don’t you sit down on the couch while I get you a fresh glass of water?”

You nodded and went over to the black couch. There was probably no furniture in his house that wasn’t a soft luxury. If the elegant couch was already more comfortable than your own bed, you were looking forward to sleeping in his guest room bed.

Professor Ren came with the fresh glass, handing it to you carefully without spilling it. You took it like a shot glass, watching his disappointed face as if he didn’t just lecture you why alcohol is bad for you. Within seconds, the glass was empty, and before you could thank him, the fresh wave hit you and send you into a slumber.